A little background: My mom is 79 and my dad is 83. My mom was outgoing and a workaholic. She did everything for my dad. September 3, 2021, my mother had a horseback riding accident leaving her with 4 broken bones in her back and a major frontal lobe TBI. While back and forth between hospitals and rehab, my mother got MRSA in one of the broken bones in her back that we still haven't got cleared up.
In the beginning we all had hope that mom would be able to bounce back from this as she seemed to have her mind about her and was participating in rehab, but as time went on she slowly began to stop eating, stop doing rehab, and her mind was slowly going.
Six months later we decided to put her in a nursing home. She can no longer get up out of bed. She has lost 70lbs and has no muscle mass. She still knows who we are, but you can't really carry on a conversation with her.
So here is my problem, my father wants to bring my mom home.
He says she begs him to bring her home so they can be together. My dad barely takes care of himself. I am the one who goes to the store for him, does all of his errands, takes him to his doctor appointments, cooks his meals, cleans his house, does his laundry, does all his yardwork, and I work a full time job and visit and care for my mom as well. Even if we were able to get some outside help (my mom and dad do have long-term care insurance which is a huge help), I still do not think I could care for both of them at home.
I do have a wonderful husband that helps and a brother that steps in when he can.
My dad is the master at making you feel guilty and he knows how to play me. He tells me that he will help more when mom gets home, but I know he will not. He has done nothing over the 6 months she has been gone.
I feel like he wants mom home more for him than her. This way he will not have to drive to see her and he can just sit at home and have me or someone else continue to do everything for him.
I do have POA medical and financial on my mother.
If she needs skilled nursing, and he doesn’t need that level of care, it might be difficult to find a facility that can/will take them both. You also have to be mindful that he may not meet the criteria to use his LTC policy to pay for an AL or SNF yet if he is still independent and does not have trouble managing “activities of daily living” (ADL’s). If your parents have the financial ability and assets, your Dad could buy into a “continuing care” community. Continuing Care communities have living accommodations for 3 levels: independent, assisted, and nursing home care. There, he could live with or at least live nearby your mother. But, CC communities do have a high “buy-in cost” up front. Or, if your Mom can qualify for assisted living then they can both go there for a monthly fee. Realistically it sounds like your mother may need skilled nursing making that idea moot and additionally your Dad may or may not qualify for his LTC to cover his AL cost. If either of the above are off the table, then he is going to have to accept that this life change is permanent and at their age could have happened to either of them anytime - anywhere. One of them could have suffered a major stroke. Then what? They would be at the same crossroads. Hard as it is, he needs to try to accept the limitations of this new life and show love for his wife by visiting as much as he can. You would need to be retired and hire at least 8 hours of help per day to even consider home care - unless your parents are very financially set and can afford to hire 24 hour care. If you end up doing some or all of the care it will dramatically alter your life because you will be tethered to the house every day that you provide care. You will have no life. My advice? Don’t do it. Your Mom is where she needs to be and your Dad needs to help you help her by adjusting his expectations. Hugs and prayers to all of you for this unexpected and unwelcome change.
Is he lonely? Fine -- time to move to AL where he can be around other people and possibly Mom if there's a facility for her attached to his place. If not, he can be taken to see her (or drive himself if he's capable).
Once the non-existent option of bringing Mom home is removed from the discussion, I think you'll have much more luck dealing with what's going on with Dad.
that way your dad could easily go visit your mom whenever he wants to.
there is also the possibility ... depending on the facility of course ... that for a charge he could eat a meal with her in the dining room or her room.
if you find something agreeable put their name on the waiting list immediately !!! if there are no openings when you visit.
He refused hospice help, wanted me to do more for him, and i continued on with the basics. If you've ever seen "diary of a mad housewife", that was me.
Men don't change much.... especially older men. They are stuck in their ways and no one is worth changing for. Not even themselves. PLEASE do not bring your mom home. Least he can do is get off his butt and go visit her. You've got a demanding life, don't complicate it by adding to it. Mom is in a good safe place just as she should be. You've done the right thing. Your dad will cry and beg you, try to pull your strings but stay strong girl. It's time someone tells him he's not going to win this argument no matter what because legally, you're the one in charge and there's nothing he can do about it.
Good luck and hope your mom gets better. Big hugs to you!
Even my Dad's daily caregiver tried to talk Dad out of bringing Mom home, as Mom condition needed a whole Staff to help out. Dad's caregiver said could not take on helping my Mom. She would burn out quickly. Dad would need to hire a second level of 3-shift caregivers per day.
I was also working full time, and doing pretty much what you were doing around your parent's house. Thankfully Dad was open to having caregivers help him. A new set of ears to hear all of his stories :)
If you Mom was brought home, and it turned out it was more work then your Dad ever imagined, chances are getting your Mom back into the same nursing home may be difficult. Some places have long waiting lists.
Let us know the out come.
It is hardwork & a struggle but we are going by his wishes I have been told by a Dr that if he is coming to end of life I will have support from an end of life team. Best wishes to you all
be there caring for her 24hours.
I know it’s hard for your Dad to admit but he won’t be able to care for her. He will only be there to keep her company but it definitely will be hard on you. It will be tough on you. Say no before you regret it. You can’t feel guilty.
There are resources out there you need to take advantage of. You cannot run two households for long. Dad has to do as much for himself as he can. Do not disable him. He should be able to get himself something for breakfast. A bowl of cereal and toast. Lunch he can make a sandwich. My Mom waited on my Dad hand and foot. I swore my DH was going to be more independent. I do do for him. But he doesn't rely on me. He washed his own clothes when we worked after retiring he still does. I do make breakfast but when I don't he is capable of getting himself something. I don't do Lunch so he will get a sandwich if he wants. I cook dinner or we go out.
You have meals on wheels you can get a least lunch for him.
Senior bussing will take him shopping and to appts.
Call your Office of Aging to see what is available in your County. Maybe Adult Daycare. At Moms there was a bunch of men who just sat around the TV and talked. They were served breakfast and lunch. A bus took Mom to and from. Maybe your county has a Senior Center. I am sure my MIL would have enjoyed ours because the ladies played cards. Or maybe its time to place Dad. You cannot be his solution.
You need to sit down in front of Dad and firmly but gently tell him that Mom will not be coming home. Her care is beyond what he or you can handle. You will not be quitting a job to care for her and you can't care for her once you get home. You have your own home and responsibilities. You understand he probably misses her. Maybe its time for him to consider an AL near Mom. Because to be honest, you can't keep at the pace you are going now. Remind him that you are now a Senior or will be considered a Senior in the near future. He can't expect u to do it all and u won't do it all.
Elderly tend to get self-centered. They forget what it was like to work a job, raise kids and keep up a home. All they know is they need help so why not there kids. Its up to the kids to say No and find ways to get parents help. My MIL was 60 when we married and she thought I could just quit my job.
Do not move him in with you especially if he pushes your buttons and tries manipulate you. I loved my Dad but he had a personality flaw. He could push my buttons. I told my brothers to never expect me to do his care. Either they take him in or he goes to a NH. Actually, he would love a NH. He would get waited on, 3 meals a day, laundry done and he could tell his stories to people who never heard them before.
You are going to have to set boundries or your going to burn out.
My new Mantra...I am here to help people find a way, not to be the way.
Although you say above that your brother "helps as he can," in your profile you say he does nothing. So somehow you fell into being your father's caregiver, PLUS having a fulltime job.
What are your parents' finances? Who owns their house? Do they have a lot of land, also? Can they afford facility care?
Have a discussion that offers him 2 options: 1) move into same facility as your mom or 2) accept and pay for outside help for him to stay in the home and your mom stays where she is at (or she comes home but he must accept and pay for 24/7 care for her, which would exceed the cost of facility care and require admin work by the PoA).
There is no real 3rd option and it may not be worthwhile to press any discussions if he's being irrational. If you are his PoA then maybe it's time to do what it takes to activate your authority.
When you go talk to your dad, your husband should go with you since he is impacted by the current arrangement (and as moral support). He needs to register his unwillingness to ramp up the level of care. I think it will be harder for your father to manipulate you if hubby is there l@@king at him.
The answer is "No, she can no longer come home. We could not take care of her at home. I am sorry." Don't expect that he will be happy; this is worth mourning. BUT most IMPORTANTLY, don't enable this in any way.
It is time now to be frank. Tell your father that you are the POA, and that you have a fiduciary duty to do what is right for your Mom in terms of care. Tell him that there is no way now to care for her in the home.
I am afraid it's going to be necessary for you to give a hard no. A sit down. A hard, but GENTLE no. That you understand. That you mourn this as well, but that it is getting, quite honestly more and more difficult for you to enable DAD to stay home, let alone any thought of something you could not conceivably handle, even if you gave up your entire life to do so.
It sounds in all truth as though your Dad is failing a bit as well. He is not understanding. You may need to ask the admins where Mom is to have a discussion with Dad so that it isn't YOU telling him that this wouldn't work. Because we never listen to our kids even when our "kids" are in their 60s, right?
If your Dad cannot understand that his request is inappropriate on many levels, then so be it. You will have to gently re-explain it all the time.
I am so sorry for you all. I hope Dad will come to understanding and acceptance, but to tell you the truth it is likely to go in this direction for the duration.
‘’the one who goes to the store for him, does all of his errands, takes him to his doctor appointments, cooks his meals, cleans his house, does his laundry, does all his yardwork, and I work a full time job and visit and care for my mom as well.”
Why don’t you stop all that while you think about it?!
I would be looking for dad an ALF. Perhaps there is one near the NH.
I am very sorry for your moms accident.
You are overburdened. You will need to pace yourself. Your mom could live a long time and will need your oversight.
The chores you have taken over may have been your moms. Going to visit your mom may be more activity than Dad is used to so just realize that he may have good intentions but has lost the ability to do much more than what he is doing. This could have been the case already but you didn’t notice because your mom was doing it all. You probably make it look easy. Let us know how things are going.