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My dad has dementia, had a stroke 5 years ago is paralyzed on his left side. In the past 2 weeks he's gone even more bonkers... he will poop his pants 4 and 5 times a day. RIGHT after being asked to go sit on the toilet, and he tells me he doesn't need to go. POOP... there it is!
He's doing this weird eye thing... and panting. Not because he's winded just to pant. He will sit in a chair in a room by himself and open and close his eyes repeatedly... his eyes are always looking up when he opens them. This is just in the past couple of weeks.
He can't get off the floor by himself and I've hurt my knee so getting him up by myself is impossible, but he's started holding "meetings" in his room and he will slide out of bed onto the floor and then want to be picked up immediately. he will do this several times a day/night. I have told him time and time again he will be stuck there until I can get help getting him up. (he also poops himself trying to roll around to get to a phone to call people to come help him... cuz ya know I didn't think of that myself) my burn out is burnt out .. I asked my siblings for help a year ago and they refused, saying I manipulated myself into this and I can deal with it... (cuz I'm just sitting here eating bon bons all day and watching soaps while being catered to by all the staff) well its BAD now, and his social worker called them and TOLD them it was BAD, and they come in NOW and are taking over and telling me whats what and how I need to do things.. WTH?? Where were you when it was just starting to slide? How in the HEdouble toothpicks am I the bad guy when you both sat back on your laurels and did NOTHING when I told you it was starting to get bad and now when its finally there you show up and give "advice" on what I should have done... BULL! sorry for that tangent...
about the behavior... what of all that is dementia and what is him being a pain because he can?

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Yeah, I would say you certainly have your hands full! Bless your weary little heart! You HAVE been doing a great job. But, you are only one person. If your siblings "help" is to tell YOU how to do things better---This is NO help, as you well know. Sometimes, as I have seen, sibs or distant relatives come into the picture after not being there for an extended time period. This is when the hospital staff will suddenly see a new face on the unit claiming to be a family member. Typically, the previously absent family member comes onto the scene, sees their loved one's condition, & begins barking out orders for towels, yelling things like, " Hey, why isn't there water in my Uncle's pitcher?', and the like. It's their way of showing their concern and trying to "ensure" that they get better care for someone who is showing signs of declining health. It is their way of doing something for the family member so they feel like they are helping. That is what your sibs are doing, it sounds like to me. This is their way of dealing with their feelings that helps them feel useful. You can see, of course, it is not useful much, at all. But, it is very common. I can see how you find this offensive. However, it is not meant to be taken personally. Unless, of course, you are in a position to be the target for their feelings of inadequacies as they project them onto you. If you move your loved one to a facility where they will be able to handle the enormous amount of care he needs now, you and your sibs will be, more or less, on the same side. You will better be able to give each other the support you need. Understand they are looking at a situation, and telling you what they see. They see that you are NOT able to provide the amount of care they feel he needs---which is pretty much what you have told us. Looking at things from where I sit, this is also what I see. It's not that you don't care or are giving him substandard care. It's just the fact that his needs have grown to the extent that it's not humanly possible for you to adequately handle his care by yourself any longer and you are going to have to get him that care elsewhere where it will be possible. You've done a remarkable job. As I have said a few days ago in another post when I quoted Clint Eastwood's lines: " A man's got to know his limitations." Think of how much more you can do for him if he is in a facility where you can visit & have lunch together or read to him or just spend quality time together while someone else takes care of the rest! Keep us posted & take care. blou
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Wonderful advice here. In situations like this people need to know their limits. No one can do what you’re doing day and night. Unless a neurologist says that dementia isn't the cause and changes in medications and/or curing a bad infection changes things dramatically, I'd say that the comments here are right on. He needs to be evaluated and most likely placed in a care center. There is no reason to feel guilty.
By taking care of yourself you are taking care of him.
Carol
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What a nightmare, so hard on you. Please let the professionals take care of placing him once the evaluation is complete. He is where he needs to be. It is difficult to build the courage to say you are not able to do this any longer. And that is not questioning your ability, rather there are not many that would be able to deal with the behaviors you are dealing with. Think about you! Let go!
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I would like to reinforce, you are not required to take your father back into your home from the ER or hospital. Tell them it exceeds your ability to provide care. People feel intimidated by hospital staff who ask them if they will take the person back to their home. DON'T feel guilty. It's simply a fact that he has progressed to far for you to provide safe care for him. They are busy, but it is there job to find placement.
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It is time for a memory care facility. He has probably had more strokes, the Neurologist can admit him and order imaging, bloodwork and psych eval. If you can get him into a hospital for 3 days, and tell the discharge planner you cannot take on home care, he will be properly placed in a facility.
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It is dementia. Either the dementia he has had all along doing what dementia does -- getting worse -- or perhaps an additional disorder added to the mix.

Dementia very often reaches a point where it is not possible for one person to safely manage the situation 24/7. I'd say it has reached that point with your dad.

Do see the neurologist. Perhaps there is something treatable going on, in addition to the dementia. Perhaps some medications can help control some of the symptoms. But please, please, be prepared for the possibility that Dad needs to be in care center, with round-the-clock staff trained to deal with these issues. The social worker can help you sort out Dad's options.
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he's been checked and had blood work done... no infection, bp is great, sugars are great no UTI no elevated WBC. They are baffled too, next is the neurologist.
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oh, another new thing is he will want a full meal immediately, because he's STARVING!! NOTHING will placate him he HAS to have food NOW. But he does it 8-10 times a day. I will make him sandwiches and food and he will eat all of it and want more or two bites and walk away. He wanders from his bed to the kitchen over and over and over and there had BETTER be food there for him when he gets to the kitchen or he'll toss things onto the floor. He'll open all of the cabinets and pull down anything that will hold liquid (or won't) and he'll get the milk out of the fridge and pour it in all the containers and then spoon the milk into his mouth. I've thought seriously about locking the fridge. he will pour ANYTHING into a container and eat it with milk, peanuts in the shell, raw noodles, uncooked rice, Bisquick, dog biscuits.
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Carol gives good information! One thing to check out first is some kind of infection going on. My mother in law "gets way out there" even more than she already is when she has a UTI, (urinary tract infection). But since there is quite a change in short time you need to see a doctor. If an infection, sepsis could happen if not treated.
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Hi Ypaffani,

Only a doctor is going to be able to figure this out. People can have more than one type of dementia. With your dad's stroke history, he could have developed vascular dementia. He could also have Alzheimer's or another type. I'd say that his behavior is likely from dementia, but it could be worse because of medications he's taking or an infection in his system. He really needs to see a doctor to get this figured out.

You are having to cope with too much. It may be time for your siblings to see that your dad needs professional care which likely means a nursing home or hired in-home care. Since you have a social worker who can back you up, she or he should be able to help you through the steps of getting this accomplished.

You siblings have no right to sit around criticizing you unless they take over the care or actually help. It seems that a family meeting with the social worker or some type of non-family mediator is in order. Something has to be done to either get professional help in the house for you or get your dad into some care center.
First things first, however. A checkup with a neurologist for your dad seems to be at the top of the list.

Please check back and let us know how you are doing,
Carol
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