....how do you deal with your deadbeat adult siblings ... adult children of an aging parent who direspecrpt the one who is taking full care of the parent including acting as if your full-time care for their parent in common means nothing, that it costs nothing and that it does nothing to the lives of the caregiver...… They refuse to take the parent so you can have some time to yourself they do not pitch in any money ... I personally would love to have my siblings arrested. Would actually love to see that. I have three adult brothers and sisters who ignore all letters for help they ignore all text messages for help they have actually said "you chose to take care of her it's your deal" They've even reduced to calling of names (yes, i know to cover guilt)… But I believe caregivers no matter how we came into the situation (such as mine my mother needed care shelter and a roof over her head after a "wrongful eviction" from an assisted-living facility .. no other adult child of hers was willing to take her in while the entire situation gets under control )... anyway in my mind filial care is something that is not respected by families nor law ... don't get me wrong I don't feel like doing this even another day but when there are more than one child involved the responsibility most definitely needs to be spread evenly. ...but when they refuse and turn their backs, it's a tough one to face let alone comprehend.
My husband and I have been caregiving, in our home, for 13 years, 24/7/365. We also have 4 great kids in their early 30's, but we would never put our burdens on them, as they all have full time careers, and busy lives, just ascthey are supposed to at this age! Each have offered to lend a hand now and then, and I am just getting to a place where I may take them up on it once and a while, as frankly, we are exhausted, and in need of a time out once and awhile, and wouldn't feel bad about an hour or 2.
Mu husbands siblings haven't been active in their parents lives since before my MIL passed away, and only then, it was to take advantage of any money they could swindle out of them, so since my FIL coming to live with us, any money he does have left is tucked away in CD's, to care for him,nwhen we are no longer able to, and that time is coming up quickly.
Both my husband and I are disabled, him with back problems, and me with bad knee arthritis and Fibromyalgia, to name a few.
My FIL is a Raging Narcissist. He is unbearable to live with, and it is becoming worse as he tumbles into Dementia, he also has Diabetes, Lymphoma (in the post treatment wait and watch phase), and is a frequent fall risk.
My husband does everything for him, especially since he had to give up his driving license about 5 years ago.
Nothing about this is easy! His coming to live with us has changed every facet of our lives, and in the past 3-4 years, we have been unable to leave him on his own, and in the past 1 year, we've only left him for a few 2 hour periods of time, and the last time he fell and had tears his skin, so now it's clear, we cannot even do this, no matter how much we prepare him to sit in his chair, with all accommodations, ie: fed, drinks, toileting, Remote, Phone and our number, we are talking 2 hours here! So now, and as we have been doing, we take the occasional break away from the house in turns, no longer together.
I do understand your frustrations, but I see No Way to get your Deadbeat Siblings involved, and no matter how bad things get, imo, they would probably make things even worse!
Prior to my FIL moving in 13 years ago, I, along with my 5 siblings took care of my own very ill parents to the end. We were all very much involved, so that #1 Caregiver, my eldest sister, could get thw much needed breaks and respite, and still be able to run a business out of her home, and continue to enjoy her own family. It wasn't easy, not even with the six of us, but we did it with love, patience and respect of each other's strengths and weaknesses. I was so proud of Us as a family, even our kids were involved.
In 2003/2004, both of my parents died, and my MIL died right in the middle of the 2, while my own Mom was on Hospice in my eldest sisters home.
Nomtime for grieving, as my FIL, the Narcissist that he is, felt he could not live on his own, so as our youngest was moving out, the very next weekend, my FIL moved in, and our lives have been forever changed.
Gone were vacations, time alone with each other and our kids, our Grandchildren, my own family. Dinners out, you know, Everything changed, let alone we had just gone through the dying process of 3 parents, and had had no time to grieve.
Everybody's situation is different.
I can't even imagine how hard it is, to add on top of all of this, financial difficulties! In this we are different, as all 3 of us in my home participate in the cost shares of living in our home, which is finally paid for.
In our own circumstances, 13 years is enough! We know our limitations, and have met them in managing his care, to the best of our abilities, and he needs a higher level of care, that we cannot physically and mentally manage any longer, and in these past 13 years, we are All that much older, and he is now 87 (in February) frail, falling frequently, and a buggar to deal with. Sooner or later, one of us will break, and it cannot be my husband or myself. As even though our kids are all doing great, we still very much wish to enjoy seeing them continue to do so, be involved with our Grandchildren, and live and enjoy our own retirement. We have sacrificed a lot! And to what end,nto someone who doesn't even appreciate (Ever), what we have done for him. No one can ever understand what it is like, to walk in anothers shoes, and God how I wish, that my husband's siblings participated in his declining life! Like you, I think they are Evil, but it doesn't change the way things are!
Have them arrested for abandonment? These 2 even walked away from their own kids at infancy (were talking 4 kids!), you think they might come to the aide of their own Dad? Screw them!
When my folks were in their 80's, dad had a minor foot surgery, that I mentioned to my cousin. She mentioned it to eldest brother who became furious that I had not told him about it. In truth, I think he was embarrassed when a far flung relative realized that he was not involved at all in our parents life. He accused me of hoarding our parents (I was spending one night 2 times a month as they lived 2.5 hours drive away from me. And we're in their 80's). Then dad died from a staph infection related to the surgery and I took over care for my mother who had advanced in her Alzheimer's.
By the time I took over care I had been trying to get my brothers involved for 10 - 15 years. At first it was not need based but rather just because it would have meant a lot to my parents to feel their sons love. Then their were needs such as trimming bushes and getting home repairs and then the physical care needs came into play. As I recall I did have anger 10-15 years ago. But the process has been slow like water eroding a rock. It serves me no good to hang on to it for years, I haven't the energy to do all I must for mom, and hang on to the anger. There just isn't enough of me left. So, Tired, you are justified in your anger. Yours has been a far more abrupt and stunning, fist to the face introduction to this lousy situation of uninvolved siblings. Thank heavens there is you. Someday you will have to let go of the anger for your sake and your kids. But it is understandable that you are not there. You've got a lot on your plate and the people you should be able to turn to have bailed. It will take quite some time to get over that and getting over that is not the same as forgiving them. You may never forgive them. How you ultimately feel about them will reveal itself over years if not decades.
Right now finding what is best for you and your family is the priority, even if it means with no sibling involvement.
I understand dealing with deadbeat siblings very well. I've given numerous examples on other threads about how I was left to handle some very delicate situations by myself. By the way I have 5 siblings. Three of which live nearby and are healthy and had no valid excuses for not contributing.
The biggest kick in the gut of all was how I was left to decide whether we should stop all life saving measures and have comfort care only. Can you imagine how I felt having to make that decision on my own knowing full well that everyone else in my family chose to sleep in that day. When I brought that up at a family lunch my sister said "well, you could have reached out" Excuse me? You all knew where Mom was at. I don't think I needed to reach out. They knew just as well as me where it all was going.
Anyhow, Tired sorry if I turned you off of AC. That was not my intention. I basically just wanted you to know that everyone on here has their own point of view and if you do not agree with someone on here just let it go and move on to the next one who maybe does agree with you.
A lot of people seem to "push" the idea of therapy because it's something that has worked for them. I'm one of those people. Caregiving is extremely emotionally stressful, especially for those of us in difficult, strained, unhappy family situations. Therapy can help you find ways of coping with the stress. I know.
For the most part, people are trying to help the best they know how. Unfortunately, what helps them and what helps you may be totally different things. What I do is that I try to home in on the responses from people who seem to understand and relate to what I'm saying, and brush aside the rest. That allows me to take some value and comfort from the discussion without getting too upset about people whose responses seem totally off the mark (for me, but they might be perfect for someone else).
I hope you'll stay and find some value in this community.
Then I retired at 55 to be the full time caregiver. Wealthy brother was not comfortable with me being paid to care for mom , I feared he would drag me into court and have had no compensation. I worked for the same company for 27 years and had I stayed 7 more years my pension would have been $4400 a month, instead of the $1,700 I get. I am using up savings and may be poor by the end of my days. I have been the sole care giver for three years except for hired help 5 hours a week.
As it turns out he visits for a few hours three times a year. He has never asked to look at the books and treats me with respect. I do not admire or particularly respect my eldest brothers position. But, I chose this path with all it's sacrifices and hardships because it was the best option for me. He did not make me do it. I could not have lived with myself if I had not seen to her well being and kept her in her home as long as it served her best. He is wired differently. He would not make a good caregiver for any real length of time.
I have no animosity towards him, but I his position has caused a dent in my otherwise significant respect for him. I do think that there is a possibility that after my mother passes we will just fade away and out of one another's life. So be it. It is not good or bad, it just is.