I live w/ my mom in her home. My siblings live in other states. One of them has joint financial accts w/ my mom. I have day-to-day care responsibilities for her. The one on her accts wants full control. My other sibling is supportive & encouraging while offering positive suggestions. This past week my mom had doc appt which resulted in recommendations now that my Dad has been deceased for 1 year: increase her weight (lost 7 #s in 6 mos) & socialize. She does NOT want to socialize but is receptive to me not only managing her meds (vits, pain reliever, recent anti-dep) and recently added Ensure supplement but one sibling NOT being encouraging and supportive may cause her demise. I will be returning to my grief counselor for suggestions & also turning to this website for assistance in this matter as I am sure others have experienced this as well. I will not abandon my mom but was disappointed to see that my brother printed & mailed her a copy of the email I sent re: her doc's dire concerns about her health peppered with compelling statements that, as doc stated: "I don't want to lose you as well". I don't like the talking behind my back when I am not home, not responding to my emails informing sibling in question of things going on here, and the violation of my privacy while sharing the info. Perhaps I went too far involving family members who do not share my desire to do whatever it takes to keep my mom alive!?! I wonder how much should I be sharing. I wonder why others don't share my values. I wonder if my sibling was still living nearby if she would lean on him & not me. He moved 7 years ago to get away from this responsibility but keeps his finger in this pie yet his own mantra is "too many cooks in the kitchen" & we all need to bow out when he is seemingly in charge but when I am managing day-to-day activities, he still wants the control. I know I am not alone & look forward to suggestions anyone has in dealing with this problem. I know others have experiences they can share with me so I can continuing caring for my mom w/ all my heart despite the interference by others. What do you suggest? Yes, counseling, that's for sure. What else can I do? How do I rid myself of the resentment I feel? The feeling of intrusion and interference? How do I deal w/ the gossip that occurs when I am not present? Bottom line: how do I continue to care for my mom & keep my head above water when others are trying to drown me? How do I deal w/ those that are sabotaging what I am doing for my mom. I acknowledge my mom plays a part in this as this person is her "golden boy" & "spouse substitute" if only from a distance. He even says he will visit & then finds reasons to cancel. I know this is long but I sincerely appreciate you reading this, offering suggestions, and encouraging me. Thanks, Peg
I definitely will be calling my therapist and hopefully will be able to get an appointment this week, if not as soon as she is free for me. The article brought to mind the many years my mom has favored the other sibling and left we other two feeling as though we are on the outside looking in. So, yes, the article is chockfull of wonderful information and suggestions that I will be implementing. Thank you for your response and I do embrace all other comments that many will be sharing with me. Thank you, Peg
You said it in your note, but I'm highlighting it here. You are not alone in this - not even a little. My guess is that you will hear from many people on the site who will share their stories.
We all have to make choices, and one of your best choices is counseling. Keep that up, as it will help. The resentment is what is hurting you, but it's hard not to resent behind your back sharing about your mom, when you are the primary caregiver. Knowing that you probably can't stop this may be your best bet. Talk to your counselor about tips on "detaching with love." It's hard, but it can save your sanity.
You may want to read one article about this: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/setting-boundaries-with-parents-who-are-abusive-142804.htm
The article is about abusive parents, but the same process needs to part of your sibling relationships, as well. Keep up the counseling, and please ask for help in detaching from some of the emotional traps, unless your counselor has other suggestions.
Take care and keep reading for comments.
Carol