Hubby is in a really good memory care place 15 mins from home. I see him nearly every day. He's still highly cognizant. When we're out for lunch or a doctor visit he always wants to stop by the house. Everyone says this is a really bad idea. That it turns out to be cruel and they don't want to leave, and it creates a mess. I've been honest about it since he doesn't "fool" easily with made up stories. But he's so angry now, calling me up to say that I WANT him to die in this place (memory care) and he's going to get out of there even if he has to go to court, and saying really hateful things. It's amped up some paranoia about me wanting to sell the house, run off with someone else, and so on. He's such a loving guy, this is really over the top for him. Any suggestions? Should I take him home for a visit?
hubby wants to go home … that’s a very real request … wouldn’t you ???
when my hubby did ask same … I was very honest… said I couldn’t take good care of him at home … it was dangerous stairs falls .. meds not regulated properly… Visits to GP’s useless … it was hard to convince because they’ve lost ability to think logically…. But he came to realize that was true… and MC provided all the care we couldn’t at home no matter all the aides !!!
Also it was lonely and boring at home … few visitors after initial drive bye’s… visit as much as you can .. let him know you haven’t abandoned…
continue outings … bring treats …
some do well with occasional visits home … I didn’t think my husband would .. do whatever you think right.
but I surely wouldn’t cut back visits !!!! Tell him you don’t like situation either but ‘we have to make best of it’ … you know LO best so do whatever to cut down on their anxieties and confusion!!
best luck
Tell him if he takes you to court and the judge says he can go home for a visit you then you will take him home for a visit.
You KNOW a judge will not grant that.
Tell him if you were planning on running off you would not be there with him every day. Reassure him that you love him.
His facility probably has some form of transportation that can take him to his doctors appts. as well, so you're not put in that predicament. You can just meet him there.
There's really no easy answers, so hang in there.
Show it to him in the facility, and see how he reacts. If the reaction is bad, it reinforces the ‘no’. But it might be just that he is thinking about it and wants to refresh his memory. It sounds as though things are getting fairly difficult now, so even a bad reaction might not make it worse. If you have changed anything at home, go prepared with a conversation about why and what has happened. It might help it to work well. It could reassure him that you are still living there in the same way, his photos are still in the same place, and you really are missing him.
Not long after I had my mother in a nursing facility I took her to lunch, and we swung past the house because she had to go to the bathroom. I knew we wouldn’t be able to get back to her place before it was too late, so against my better judgment I agreed to go to the house. What should have been a five minute in and out visit lasted an hour and a half with her wandering from room to room crying about how her home was no longer her home. She didn’t get angry -- she wasn’t that type -- but she was so sad and so depressed I just felt awful. It was like taking her to the nursing home the first time all over again. I regret that to this day.
Please don’t do it.
this is so hard….
2. Remember, dementia is a "broken brain" which worsens over time. It is not possible to reason.
3. When he starts focusing on going home, don't answer. Instead, bring the visit to a close, and leave. It will be easier on you than having a futile discussion, and hopefully, he will begin associating the two and eventually not ask.
I am sure this is very, very hard for you and I am so sorry you are going through this.
ps. I talk him him on the facility phone once in awhile. I dare not go because of the anger issues and my mental state and physical health was suffering. The facility had to call police because he became violent . He wanted to go home.
As the mind becomes more fractured, people are afraid and not sure of what is going on, the paranoia is a coping strategy, someone else is causing this, b/c in their mind there is nothing wrong with them.
Emotionally is is heartbreaking for the caregiver as well. Parenting your parent is really hard. And no matter what you do , someone will tell you are wrong.
You have been told by several posters that “going home” rarely if ever yields the result the resident OR the loving caregiver thinks it will.
If you’re saying to yourself “But my husband isn’t like all those other victim’s of dementia. His situation is different”. Well, if you’re saying this to yourself, it’s probably time for you to stop saying it.
“Highly cognizant” doesn’t really mean very much when discussing the function of a progressively breaking brain, but paranoia and hostility and saying things that are hurtful to loved ones are sadly, also typical of many AL residents
People in Memory Care need structure and support and repetition. His current caregivers are trained to deal with the behaviors he’s experiencing.
So- please don’t plan “visits” away from what needs to be HIS HOME NOW.
My LO had broken a collar bone the Spring before she entered Memory Care. The surgeon who had set it was in the neighborhood, and she was mobile, so we took her to his office for her final checkup, several weeks after she’d begun her rocky entrance to her new environment.
We had promised her that we’d take her out for a sandwich, previously a favorite activity, when we had finished with the doctor.
Much to our surprise, she quickly asked to be taken “home”, and clearly. Dictated that she meant her facility. Bittersweet for us, but she made it clear that it was the best place for her.
You’ve done what is best for him. Now stop questioning yourself, ignore his unfiltered hostility, visit a little less and for shorter time increments, and let him become part of his new life.
Without a short term memory your husband can't retain a thought beyond a few minutes at best, and he can't create a memory that tells him why he's in MC. He will try to come up with a story that makes sense to him as to what's going on.
The disease takes away the ability to use logic and reasoning, but lets people hang on to emotions. I guarantee you he isn't remembering the actual outings, but he is hanging on to the confusion and emotions his story creates for him each time.
These might help and will show additional topics you might find helpful: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awBm4S9NwJ0
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOCZInnLQd0
It takes a lot of time and routine, day after day, for a person with dementia to begin to identify new surroundings and settle in. Everything seems new, all the time. That takes up a lot of mental resources on top of the challenges already caused by the disease. It's not unusual to see some progression occur for a while during 'settling in'.
My mom wanted to be in a place of her own. She was probably late stage 4/ early 5, and it still took her 6 weeks to 'relax' and 3 months to really start to treat her AL as 'home'. I've seen some forum posters say it can take as long as 6 months.
Other posters have made great suggestions as to how to approach this by reducing visits and not taking him out of the facility if it agitates him.
Many MC's have a visiting physician on staff--consider switching his care over if that's an option, to reduce the number of visits required . Evaluate what tests, labs, and meds are really necessary. At 92, my mom's days of dexascans and mammograms are over.
You say he’s “highly cognizant” but in a memory care facility. If I was highly cognizant, I’d want to go home too.
Also, isn’t he accurate in your expectation that he stay at the memory care facility until he dies?
My guitarist brother with brain cancer is in hospice care at an excellent nursing facility. Hospice brought in a guitarist to play for him and the next time my brother played along with his own guitar as well as he could. The guitarist invited my brother a couple of times to the pizza pub where he had a gig. My brother loved it but each time they brought him back to the facility he was adamant that he didn’t live there. My poor 23year old niece had to convince him this was his home now. She wanted to bring him to her house for Thanksgiving but hospice and I helped her realize he wouldn’t want to back to the facility. It wouldn’t create the kind of Thanksgiving memories she’d want.
I’m sure it’s incredibly hard to reconcile this loving man no longer behaves lovingly but very belligerently instead. Who wouldn’t want to run away? Remember it’s the brain problem that’s masking the person you’ve always known him to be. Perhaps grieving this change in him could alleviate some of the anger. You’re responding as if he is of sound mind when he rages but he isn’t. That’s a huge loss!
GET HIM OUT OF THERE!
If none of this is an issue, consider talking to his doctor or scheduling an appointment. He may have a physical ailment causing his odd thought processes. He might also be suffering from increased anxiety and need medication to help.
Llamalover47
Secondly, 'highly cognizant' people don't get super paranoid and start accusing their wives of 'selling the house & running off with another man.'
So your DH is either suffering from dementia and NEEDS to be in Memory Care (or they would not have accepted him) or you're convincing yourself he's 'highly cognizant' when he's not. If he doesn't belong there, take him home. If he belongs there, then here is my response:
When my mother started getting very angry, loud & agitated, demanding this & that from me and screaming bloody murder, I called her hospice nurse. We discussed extra medication *Ativan* to calm her down; mom was 'shaking all over' and demanding to 'get the hell out of here to see papa & mama' both dead for decades already. She had convinced herself she was being held prisoner in the Memory Care AL, so same scenario with the paranoia, which goes with the territory when advanced dementia is on the scene. Anyway, the hospice nurse called mom's NP and within 30 minutes, a new order was written for Ativan every 6 hours instead of once a day at 7 pm which wasn't doing SQUAT for her Sundowning that's now started at 1 pm every day. Voila, she's calmed down a LOT over the past couple of days & is even saying how much she loves me.
Stop getting swayed by what your DH is saying/demanding of you and remember you're dealing with dementia here which presents itself in ugly ways. It's convincing your DH that YOU are the Bad Guy now & have all sorts of secret plans to trick him. Delusions need to be addressed and calmed down with meds before they get too severe for the poor man. Speak to his doctor instead of trying to calm him down by taking him home.........that's a bad idea on every level. What do you do when he refuses to budge out of the house when it's time to go back to the MC?
Please ignore troll comments from people who are out of their realm of experience when giving out 'free advice' here. A Memory Care is certainly NOT a prison and your DH was placed there for HIS SAFETY & wellbeing. Laying a guilt trip on YOU serves NO good purpose & can also lead you to make unwise decisions for the wrong reasons. Remember that DEMENTIA is the Bad Guy here, not you, not the Memory Care AL, not anything else, JUST the dementia. Just as you'd send the man off to the hospital for care for a broken hip, you've sent him to a managed care facility for CARE for his dementia. Don't allow ridiculous comments to interfere with common sense or make you feel as if you're doing something 'wrong'. What we need here is a 'delete' button as we have on all other blog sites where unwelcome comments can be removed.
Wishing you the best of luck with a stressful situation. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.
If it were me, I would not take him out of memory care. I would bring sandwiches in when you want to have lunch with him. Take him for a walk around the building if he want to stretch his legs, etc.
I brought in donuts and coffee for mom and her friends the other morning. We all sat around and gabbed. I spoke with the nurses to make sure no one had any dietary restrictions first. It was a nice visit.
Of course your husband is going to want to come home with you when you take him out and about. You have him in there for a reason...focus on visits that make the most of his new home.
This past Christmas was the last time I plan on taking mom out of memory care. It confuses her and she was agitated for two weeks afterwards. Her idiot brother was telling her about all the family members that died. I don't even think she remembered any of them. But those stories fragmented and stayed in her head and she kept thinking my brother died or that I had died. I was getting two calls from the facility daily that she was in a panic. I know my uncles big mouth was the cause for the agitation. So I think I will visit with her to have my holidays at her place. I think it's better for her that way.
You might want to consider the same thing for your husband.
I think he being in an MC and your use of the term "cognizant" is causing many people to be confused. I think by the term cognizant you mean that he recognizes you and remembers things from his history (trips, pets, friends) but in your profile it indicates that he has a dx of Alzheimer's dementia. So he is in memory care for a valid medical reason which has been certified by a doctor. The fact that this loving man is now angry with you for putting him in an environment where he can get the help/care he needs and is accusing you of wanting to run off with someone else proves that he is no longer thinking like he did in the past. I think in your mind you know this but it still hurts and that is understandable. When we stand at the altar in our 30 and repeat those vows, we think of all the positive things in our future, home, career, children, grandchildren, travel retirement. In those dreams and thoughts, we don't think of cancer, dementia, caregiving but in reality they are real and are facts.
You are doing the best you can for him out of love and it sounds like if the situation were reversed he would do the best he could for you.
Alzheimer's can get worse. Eventually he may not recognize you and he will not respond as he used to in his previous state of mind. Do not take him on trips out of the MC. Walk around their grounds for exercise. Limit the number of days you visit him. If he becomes abusive when you visit, you need to leave. Yes.... it is unbelievably hard. I think this is where the "for worse" part of those vows comes and stares you in the face but know that you are not alone. Millions of people are walking this path. You can do this and you will survive.
Wishing you blessings and Peace on this journey.