My situation is this: We have a "family compound" out in the country. My husband and I have one house; my daughter, her husband and my grandchildren have another; and we built a "tiny house" for my mom and dad to live in when mom's Alzheimer's made it impossible for dad to handle her alone.
Back when it became plain that I was going to take on the role of caregiver for my parents, I had a family meeting with my husband and daughter and told them I had no intention of putting my parents into a nursing home because of the nightmare stories that keep coming out about the conditions there. I asked my husband and daughter, repeatedly, if they were all right with my parents moving out here, and outlined everything I could think of that this might entail. They were all supportive of the decision, so the decision was made and the move accomplished.
Mom died 9 months after we moved her out here. Dad is nearly 89, has congestive heart failure, diabetes, and his kidneys are failing. He still lives here and, as far I can see ahead, will live here until/unless I can no longer care for him. He doesn't really need all that much active care...he can feed himself, keeps his house himself, dresses himself, etc., so it's not all that much of a problem, as far as I'm concerned. I take him to bingo twice a week, to the store once a week, to doctor's visits, and out to eat periodically. I make sure my husband and I have occasionally "date days" or "date nights" or extended vacations just to have time alone, and while we're away, my daughter holds down the fort. In exchange, I occasionally "babysit" my grandchildren (both teenagers) while my daughter and her husband take off for a few days.
My difficulty is this...my husband seems to be no longer okay with the fact that dad is here. He's acting like a spoiled brat, in my opinion. My dad is lonely, of course, now that mom is gone and he is no longer living in a place where he is surrounded by friends, so he comes up to our house occasionally to talk. Sometimes my husband is barely civil to him, and if I can see that, I'm sure dad can as well. I spend so much time as a "referee" between my husband and my father, just trying to avoid an open conflict and subsequent breech.
I am ENRAGED that my husband is, in my opinion, going back on his declaration that it is okay that my dad is here. Yes, I could find a facility for dad, but does my husband imagine for one second that I would forgive him for being such a jackass that I had to move dad into a facility?? Does he really think that everything will be rosy after dad is gone, with me remembering how my husband treated him? Again, dad is 89 and not in great health, so it isn't like he'll be here forever, and I make a definite point of spending time with my husband without dad being around, so in my opinion he really has no just cause for complaint.
It's hard enough being a caregiver for dad, but without the support of my husband, it's becoming nearly impossible. Ironically enough, my husband has had two surgeries in the past year that necessitated my being HIS caregiver as well, but apparently that didn't make him any more empathetic to my situation.
Suggestions and support would be most welcome.
Problems with daughter’s family are just as likely as the problem that has actually happened. People change.
I am sure your husband and daughter wanted to make you happy and agreed to have your parents move to the compound. I am sure they figured it would easier on you that way. However you did in fact TELL them you were doing this, not asking them. Most people don't realize what they are getting into caring for an elder. I am sure they did not in vision it being a 24/7/365 commitment.
After my mom died my father would often show up at my house and just let himself in. He saw no problem with that. My husband was flaming mad. Often he would be cooking in the kitchen and turn around to find my father standing there. Telling my father that he needs to ring the doorbell and wait for us to let him in did not go over well. He still would just walk in. We had to start using the deadbolt.
Have you actually sat your husband down and asked him why the hostility towards your father? You are condemning him before having all the facts.
It is great that you do set aside time for your husband but at this point it just might not be enough. He needs to be your priority not your father. You say that after the way he has acted you might not want him around after your father passes. Are you sure he will still be there? He wants to have a life with you, not just scheduled weekends here and there.
Another poster mentioned that having someone live nearby is not the same as having this person involved in your day to day life. It could be too much for your husband.
You said your husband considered your father his best friend before all of this. That was before he had to complete with your father for your attention.
You need to sit everyone down and have a real talk. Everyone in this situation needs to compromise a bit...you, husband and dad.
1) My parents asked my grandfather to come from England to live with them in Australia, after he was left on his own. My father didn’t get on with him (he wouldn’t hand over all his savings), insisted that he leave, and it broke up my parents’ marriage. It’s a real risk for you to think about..
2) All of us make decisions based on one set of facts or assumptions, and find that they don’t work out as expected. Taking a degree and finding that there are no jobs, having your partner walk out on you – just a couple of common scenarios, but there are many others. Add to that, people can simply change their minds. Did you both factor in that your mother could die, your father would be lonely and want to spend more time with you? Did you think about what could go wrong with the daughter’s family being part of the ‘family compound’? What flexibility did you build into your plans for things working out differently?
3) Years ago I did a survey for a text about working while breastfeeding. I puzzled about why married women said they couldn’t have coped without their supportive husbands, while single mothers seemed to have coped OK. I finally realised that what you can’t cope with is an Unsupportive husband. In one house, you need to keep it together.
4) In terms of coping with unexpected trials, I can tell you from experience that having your house burn down in a bushfire is in there big time.
It would help if you could stop being ‘enraged’ and work out how to cope with circumstances that none of you expected. You and your husband are both unhappy. Please remember that not every aged care facility is plagued with ‘nightmare stories’. One step you could take is to do more research for options that might work. The problems are clearly very distressing for you, and yes you have my sympathy. But tie a knot and move on.
The negative we give out will come back to us whether we like it not. The universe doesn't forget.
We need to honor old people and remember the many times they did us a favor. Our turn now if we are to expect good treatment when we will need it.
And if he stresses you out now since you are caregiver and wife (same thing caregiver to him as well) he will be without you when its his turn. There are many women in memory care. When the husbands show up to visit it sometimes gives you pause.
Just remember to take time for yourself. Have a paid in home health care giver come in once per week and you go out for at least four hours to do as you please.
Have you asked him why he no longer wants your father in his home? And really listened to his answers? I bet not.
Your first step, stop making your husband out to be the bad guy.
Second, ask your husband (with an open mind and without hostility) what the problems he is having with the current living situation.
Third, you two as a team should work to resolve them to everyone's satisfaction.
I bet your husband would stop being resentful if you made him your #1 and set boundaries for dad to not just pop in when he feels like it.
It is a balancing act and I bet you didn't cover this contingency when you were getting agreement or you may not have received it. This particular journey is full of the unknown.
Perhaps removing the visual reminder (i.e. dad) of what he thinks will happen or is happening to him makes him feel less fearful, like the same fate isn't awaiting him. Went through something similar with my husband when his cancer returned... he didn't say anything until I asked him outright about what I thought was causing his mood shifts, and I was right. We got past it and life went back to normal.
Talk to your husband. Listen.
It became clear to you but it wasn't clear to your husband. If you have siblings, your husband may have expected them to step up and care for their parents.
You didn't really give your husband and daughter much of a choice. Instead, you **told** them you weren't going to put your parents in a nursing home. I suspect that they both felt a bit bulldozed by you but wanted to make you happy and acquiesced.
You know as well as I do that most nursing homes today are much better than what they used to be. Here's a discussion about modern nursing homes:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/nursing-homes-change-over-time-138791.htm
Your husband may feel that he has no privacy, that he always has to be ready for you or your dad to want to talk, and that his life has been taken over by caregiving for your father. Occasional dates are not cutting it for your husband.
You're obviously angry at your husband. It seems like you think he has no right to feel the way he does. He himself endured two life-altering surgeries. Rather than acknowledge that those surgeries may have changed your husband's wishes for the future, you wanted them to make him more sympathetic toward you.
I know from personal experience that, during particularly long and intense stretches of my husband caring for his dad that I felt lonely and alone. My husband was preoccupied with "everything dad" and he was worn out.
Is it possible that you also are worn out? That no matter how much you do for your dad that he always seems to need more? Is it possible that your husband sees something that you don't? If you love your husband you owe it to him to work through this.
Caregiving must work for everyone involved.
Personally -- remember you only have one mum and pop. For all eternity. Husbands are a dime a dozen, and they are only useful for finances. I hope this helps. If my husband made me choose between him or my mom he would be out the door and I'd get divorced and pick me up another husband in no time who has some finances. If you think I'm kidding..I'm quite serious. Men are easy to get.
My husband knows I married him for his money..I'm not ashamed of it.
I think “ nursing homes” have come a long , long way. They now have independent ( ie an apartment in a complex where housekeeping and food are provided ) or assisted living( usually meds added and maybe some help dressing etc as needed) are nothing like nursing homes. The assisted living my mom is in is beautiful, clean, no one drooling or slumped over in a chair in the hall. The huge benefit imo is a safe environment plus activities galore . Church, bingo, movies, puzzles, ice cream socials, gardening, “ road trips” for a day, you name it , they do it. Newer studies have proven being mentally and physically active helps enormously. I would visit some in your area . It may be the solution you need.
Don't be too hard on your husband. It’s difficult having someone living in your home, sometimes you just need some personal space. It would bug me having someone show up any time they wanted , no matter how much I loved them. I need some down time, with just my immediate family, not even my adult kids. Could be your husband may be similar.
These are things you need to ask yourself. If your husband and father do not have a good relationship, and never have, he might feel a certain type of way by him just evading his space.
Just my thoughts....
These “worse” times are worse for you than for him.
It doesn’t make you any stronger when he is tugging on you in a different direction.
There are are few times in life when we really get to be a Super Hero for a while. You have been a super hero to your parents—also to your siblings (I hope they appreciate you), also to your daughter (you rescued her grandparents).
I realize that your husband was extremely generous in accepting your parents moving to your compound in the first place. Your daughter is sharing her youth with them. She also has the opportunity to grow from this and to cherish all of the good times.
Now you will see whether your husband and daughter are willing to “kick it up a notch.” They also
can be super heroes, not just to your dad (who also happens to be their father-in-law, and grandfather), but, especially to You! Can’t your husband see that this is an opportunity for him to shine and earn your everlasting love and devotion? He’s already come so far.
in this case, it was after my mom moved in.
We too discussed her living with us, and were in agreement about caring for her.
Fast forward a year later and we’re discussing divorce.
It’s been hard, and we’ve struggled before with our relationship. But this has pushed us over the edge.
Know that you are not alone with this. My hear goes out to you.
Find her a new address. It isn't fair that people say all or nothing, he gave it a year, it needs to change for all of you. It can't possibly be comfortable living with your daughter knowing you are destroying her marriage and if it doesn't phase her, even worse.
It just sickens me when people will choose their parents over their spouse, you did promise to forsake all others for him.
• Why is he acting this way?
• How would your lives change if your father didn’t live there?
• Does he remember being okay with the living arrangement initially?
You can’t let this hostility linger because when you’re father is gone, the resentment you have towards your husband won’t be.
Your husband has reached a point that he wants what's left of your lives to be able to do something together and enjoy each other's company etc. not to babysit your father for the foreseeable future until he himself and you are too old to be able to do anything. i.e. he does not want to give his life for the benefit of your father - and I totally 100% agree with him. You sound to have a much better relationship with your father than your husband (purely from your post - and these are easily read in a different way from the intended). There is a limit to how long one may be willing to support a partners parent irrespective of how willing you were to start with - thinking you know what it will be like is not the same as doing it.
No no one on this forum knows exactly how you feel, so take these posts with a grain of salt.