What should I consider before deciding if my aging parent should move in with me?

You are wise to be thinking this through before making a decision. I think you would do well to read a lot of posts on these boards, to get a feel for what kinds of issues caregivers face.

Some random thoughts on the subject ...

1. At 84 your mother may need caregiving for another 10 years or more (depending on what kind of dementia she has and other health issues.) Realize from the offset that you may not be able to do all of those years. Do NOT promise Mother that you will "never put her in a home." Even if she starts out with you the time may come when that is not the best option.

2. What is the relationship between you and your mother? Was she abusive, mean-spirited, belittling, and selfish? Was your childhood a misery? Personally, I think in those cases it is better not to try to do the day-to-day hands-on care, but to take charge of seeing that she gets good care elsewhere.

3. Start learning all you can about dementia, and especially the kind of dementia your mother has, if known. Reading posts for people specifically dealing with dementia might be informative. Dementia is progressive. It gets worse. Keep that in mind.

4. Adding a special-needs adult to your household is expensive. Know all the details of your mother's finances. If she can afford to pay her own way, hey that is great! If there is a gap, decide in advance how that is going to be filled. Can you and your brothers pick it up? If that means you each take two exotic vacations per year instead of four, that is one thing. If it means you can't continue to save for your children's educations or for your own old age, that is something else altogether. Remember that you are not obligated to support your mother financially. Whether she lives with you or in a care center, if she can't afford it on her own, contact Social Services and find out what resources are available to her.

5. One of the expenses to budget for if she lives in your home is respite care. This is essential. You cannot be on duty 24/7/365 and retain your effectiveness and your sanity. Giving mom good care while you fall apart is not the goal here! Before she even moves in have a plan in place for getting out several times a week (some of them with your son) and also for extended breaks throughout the year. It may be that your mom can be left on her own for some time right now, but with dementia the time will come when you cannot run to the drug store without someone staying with her. Plan for that.

6. Take care of all the legal details -- and this is true whether she comes to live with you or not. Someone (presumably you) will need to in charge of her finances, if she lives with you there should be a contract in place regarding expenses, someone needs to be able to make medical decisions if she cannot, etc. There are articles and posts on this site about these matters. See an elder law attorney. The cost should come out of Mom's funds.

7. You may be right about your brothers. I have seen men being excellent caregivers -- at our last dementia caregiver support meeting there were more men there than women. But it is also common for the main burden of caregiving to fall on one family member, and it is usually a woman. I would suggest meeting frequently with your brothers, in person, by phone, and by email. Or even consider doing a CaringBridge website. Make sure they are aware of the decisions that have to be made. Keep them in the loop. They could contribute by providing some of the respite care. If they are not willing/able to do that they need to understand the need for the cost. Especially if they have always expected to inherit a certain amount, they need to see where the money is going.

8. Do you have a job? Think about how caring for a special-needs adult will impact that, and in turn how that impact may affect your future and your own old age.

9. Many kids sail through their teen years with the biggest trauma a face blemish before a date. Others have a bumpier road. And all need (though they'd never admit it) their parents to be there for them. Who is going to watch Grandma while you are out riding with your son as he practices for his driver's test? I don't mean there are no solutions to these conflicts, but it is worth thinking through ahead of time.

Bless you, Penny1964, for taking seriously your responsibility to make the best decisions for all concerned.

Talk to everyone, absolutely. And have a stated plan for how you will get respite care, how the expenses of extra care will be divided up, and when enough is enough. You know how you are experiencing more freedom, in a way, now that your 12 year old is growing up? That will go away. You need to be prepared to deal with "babysitters" again, and setting rules. You need to be able to have an open dialogue that will keep the air free of resentments. You need to be able to hear whatever your 12 year old has to say.

I will say that I moved my father in our home, thinking it was a step toward assisted living. We live 7 hours away from where he lived and he needed time to see what the options were. Almost nine months later, he is fully moved in HERE and isn't going anyway. I had no idea how unpredictable life would get, and so fast -- just like having a perpetually sick kid in the family. Except one who believes he gets to call the shots. We didn't set ground rules with him, or among ourselves, until things got to a crisis point. So dialogue NOW, boundaries NOW (knowing they will change) seems really key to me.

If I could take it all back, I would. I would have set him up somewhere, right from the start. We know know what the situation will look like that requires that he move into a care facility full time. So, read what I am saying knowing that my bias is that I would never have done this had I known all that came with the territory.

Either way, so SMART of you to ask for ideas before you leap. Your 12 year old has a good Mom. And your Mom has a smart daughter.

Maybe you should talk to your brothers about it & your mom & son and come up with the best solution instead of having all the worry on yourself...Good Luck....All I do know if u do decide to you are at the right place I have just started caring for MIL last year and not sure what I would do without this site Wonderful people HERE!!!!!!

You should consider everything, and understand that your life will never be the same ever again! Think this through very carefully.

Penny1964, have you made a decision yet? We'd love to hear what is going on in your world with you mother!

To all who are deciding about moving parents in, I'd like to point out a couple more things, in addition to advice given above:

1. Sometimes, as in hitower4095's post above, living together can actually harm the relationship. I'm sure you can think of friends you enjoy thoroughly but you wouldn't want to share a cabin with them for even a week! Sometimes a little distance can provide a safety valve for a relationship.

2. Reading posts here gives you an idea of the issues that COULD come up, but not necessarily that WILL come up in your situation. Naturally caregivers who are having a grand time with no problems with a parent living with them are not as apt to be drawn to a site like this. Don't kid yourself that "those things would never happen to me," but also don't think that all parents-living-with-child are fraught with drama and misery.

Good luck!

Penny, I just want to tell you how proud of you I am for looking into this first before diving in. It may be easy in the beginning with mom living there but the problems arise quickly and out of the blue sometimes with dependency on you, forgetfullness, bathroom issues and showering as well as day to day things. I am very glad you are getting all the info first. As for respite care, I live in NJ right now and they have a respite program here that you can use for free for 2 weeks or more each year to "get away'. check with the dept of aging too.

Hi Penny! I just saw your question. Good for you! I have often thought that there should be a book or pamphlet with the answers to this question for people thinking about this! Maybe there is-but I haven't seen it! Jeannegibbs should write it starting with what she wrote here!
I have had mom mom with me for 8 years. She is 86 next week! If I had it to do over again, I would do it again. BUT, I would have done the things jeanne suggests-especially about family and respite care because those were the things I didn't realize would be needed. And HOW MUCH I would need time away. Mom was good at first and I could leave her for hours. I can barely leave the room now! Everyone in the family got used to it the way it was, and now that she is more needy, it is really hard to get them to help. It has been a real awakening for me to see how this all has fallen completely on me and has caused much resentment. I now pay people (with mom's $) to come stay with mom so I can get out and it was very hard leaving her with someone who was not a good friend or relative!
I choose not to work and altho my hubby can take care of us with his job, it is hard to think about how much I/we have lost out on $$ for our future-social security and 401k/investments etc. Kind of scary at times to think about it.

Our kids were 11 and 16 when she moved in. Didn't miss anything of the older ones highschool stuff-but had to beg to get family to come over so as not to miss the younger ones football games and concerts once mom didn't want to go to them with us anymore. I think it was good for our boys to see us care for her...altho sometimes a little resentment...but a good lesson in love.
Now that the boys are in college, it is a day trip to see anything they do...so that means getting someone for a whole day to be with mom.

My hubby is great Thank God-about helping and about not being able to get out or go on vacations...we are almost empty nesters and it feels like we have a 2 year old at home with no hope for growth & independence coming...quite the opposite-we know that mom is only going to need more care.

Sorry, I am babbling.
Taking care of bathroom issues was very hard for me to deal with and something I had never dreamed I would have to do. Now it is an hourly issue...

Sleep is something there is never enough of-or maybe it is because there is a monitor I have with me 24/7 listening for mom to need me in one way or another.
The first time she didn't know me was like-WOW! That comes and goes now-and I understand that it could go for good at any time. But all these things are hard. And I was not prepared for much of this.

One really sad thing for me is that all of the friends I had work..have families etc and I really don't see or hear from them too much. I am sure they are bored hearing about all my mom stuff. So, be sure to keep doing things that are interesting and keep your friends! Somehow do this -cause caregiving is a very lonly job if you don't and there have been times I think I will lose my sanity. That is the reason I found this site! I need people! Facebook is great but this site-well, we all understand what eachother is going through .
So be sure to follow the list Jenne gives...read this site to see what other crazy things may take place. Talk with child, spouse, siblings, lawyers, mom..and I will say a prayer for you. Don't do this out of guilt! Do whatever you decide with love and your mom's best interest as well as your family's best interest and your best interest. There is no wrong answer. Whatever you decide, you can always change your mind too. I do think it is harder once they are in your house tho-to change your mind-but it is possible.
Please keep us posted on how your are doing! Mame

However hard you think it might be - it's going to be even harder. And my father is a relatively laid back kind of guy. But moving in with us - took away his independence; it diminished and saddened him. So, living with a sad and depressed 91 y/o takes it's toll. His relationship with my son (I'm a single Mom) deteriorated greatly; I don't think that can ever be repaired. Two men - at a point in their lives when they are totally self-centered.
Having said that - Home Instead has been our saving grace. We would a wonderful woman who comes over 3 days a week (I work) and basicall chauffers my Dad everywhere he wants to go! He loves to eat out; get a pedicure from time to time; she also manages all his doctor appointments. We could not do it without her. A single working mother is torn in too many different directions anyway - factor in a 91 year old dependent (child but youcan't tell him what to do) - and the stress level becomes quite high. I have to be so careful not to get totally swallowed up in the needs of my son and my father ~ it's easy to get lost in there!
And, I must still keep my eye on the ball when it comes to my son. He's a junior this year and I have no intention of dropping that ball now.
Just go into all this with your eyes wide open.

I wish I had taken more time to think through the entire process before moving my parents in with me. My sisters thought it was a great idea and so did my dad who is 83. My mom has alot of health issues and he is the type that knows just what she needs...or so he thinks. All he was doing was making her want to sleep all the time and when he tried to make her eat and drink he did it more in a demanding way that the more he pushed the more she refused. She would dehydrate and end up in the hospital or rehab. Upon discharge, she would have physical therapists come to her apt 3 times a week but my dad convinced her they were just sitting there wasting money and time so they told them not to come back. Backslide again...rehab again. Finally he wanted to enter assisted living but didn't like the fact that it would take most of his monthy soc security so he thought it best they move in with me. Well, it has been 5 months and the honeymoon lasted less than 2 weeks. He handles her meds and they are so screwed up and my sisters tell me what I should do. I've found that they are good at telling me what I should do....it's never what we as daughters should do. They tell me I should handle the meds which I agree but he won't hand over the reins and I understand that it is taking away his sense of feeling needed. He shouldn't be driving but he won't listen to me or my mom and my siblings keep telling me I should make him give up his license. He does all their appts now. I used to go to all the meetings with him for her rehab care because he requested it of me. I love both of my parents dearly and have always been extremely close with both of them. I've been there for every surgery for both, through cancer with my mom, at the hospital every single day of any hospital stays of both of them. My mom has been hospitalized for months at a time and I never missed a day. I did this out of love. Now my dad argues with me over everything from the way I set the table to the way I do my things my way. He sits there and tells me everything I do wrong and how he would do them. I remodeled my kitchen before they moved in and all he has done is find fault. He is very controlling and manipulative. He has problems keeping friends and getting along with people that live around him. He has recieved notification from the housing management companies where they have lived that they were receiving complaints from tenants about his rudeness and abusive language. I can't turn them out and as much as I love them both, I do regret my decision. I did give up working to care for them and I am divorced so they do pay "rent" but it is alot less than what I made and I've now cashed in my own retirements. I don't get help from my siblings, only advise on what I should do. So, please, if you are thinking of moving your parent(s) into your home, take more time to weigh everything from privacy issues, how to handle conflicts, and don't rely on verbal arrangements with siblings. The whole experience has not only hurt my relationship with my parents and family but also my sanity.

Consider your son first. He is your first priority. Allow your son a voice in this decision making.