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My dad is 93 yrs old and still lives in the house I was born in. He fell in May and now needs 24/7 care. WOW is it expensive!! Almost 11,000 a month of his hard earned money which is quickly dwindling down. While the caregivers feed him and mop the floor, that's it! They don't play games or interact with him at all as far as giving his brain some stimulation. We (his children) want to move him and he could live with our brother. It's an ideal situation and we could see him all the time! But he is adamant about living in his house. He has dementia and wouldn't remember our conversation about money. We thought about telling him we are going on a vacation and then have him just stay at my brothers house. We would LOVE to have him close by instead of 1000 miles away.

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If you're paying 11K a month and literally all the caregivers are doing is feed him and mop the floor, I think you'd better find a different agency.
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Are you and your siblings all in the same area? Is there any family near Dad? If all of his family, kids, grandkids are all in the same area 1000 miles away maybe a “visit” for say 3 months or through the holidays could help you all decide if a move is in order. Dad doesn’t “loose” his house or his sense of security and autonomy, your brother can see how having him live there actually works and you all can see what the difference is having him closer, Dad too. A longer term visit rather than move might be easier for Dad to look forward too.
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If your father's dementia is advanced to the point he is unable to make decisions for himself, then the POA can take care of placement. You can get a lovely Assisted Living place for one half of what you are paying; however, if you need memory care then it is a toss up, and he would be sharing a room. This is a difficult decision. He may not qualify for Assisted Living, so his funds may dwindle as quickly wherever he is at this point.
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disgustedtoo Aug 2020
We had POAs in place long before mom developed dementia. Her plans before the dementia included moving to AL, if she decided it was necessary. With dementia, those plans went out the window. She refused to consider moving anywhere, ESP not to AL. The EC atty who had set up all our paperwork said we CANNOT force her to move (actually he said we can't just drag her out of the house!) He suggested guardianship, but the facility we choose wouldn't accept committals. They said just get her there, they would handle it going forward. We had to wing it...

So, POA is NOT enough to "take care of placement." It does allow you to sign for the person and make [some] financial or medical decisions, depends on how it is set up as to what one can do, but in general it does NOT give you the authority to move someone.

To drive this home further, AFTER mom was already in MC, a staff member told me they can't force ANY resident, even those with dementia, to do what they are refusing to do - medication, shower, EMS trip to hospital, transport to necessary medical treatment, etc. Their hands are tied just as much as ours are! I have watched them work with the person, coaxing them, doing what they could to get the person to agree, allowing THEM to make the decision. Granted they don't have POA, but the point is that the LAW prevents us from forcing others, even those with compromised cognitive abilities, to do what they refuse to do. POAs just make you a proxy for signing docs, making financial decisions FOR them as if you WERE them.

Also, not sure why you say MC would be a shared room. Our mother has her own room, she doesn't share with anyone. One place YB found did show us a shared space - 2 bedroom with a shared bath. I didn't ask, but presumably for more money she could have a private room. It was too far away for me and I knew I would be the one doing all the work and visits, so there's that. But, the cost of that shared room/space was hundreds more than the place I felt was best. She's been in the one I thought best for over 4.5 years now and only this year has the monthly cost gone over the price quoted almost 5 years ago for that lovely shared space with a view of the parking lot and a 4 lane highway! Mom's room looks out into an enclosed garden area. Can't imagine the cost of that lovely space now! Think of all the money I saved for her not going there and all the money, time, stress and strain I saved for me as well!

Not all AL or MC places are the same. Hers IS a private pay endowed facility and I only just recently found out that if someone's funds run low, there are ways to tap into the endowment so they don't have to move! I doubt we will need that, but it is nice to know!
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I have a social worker friend who often says that events will happen that will make the decisions for you. Sounds like the event that’s coming soon for your dad is his money running out. The question I have is, do you want to make a change before he has no money to help with the changes? Moving anywhere is expensive. Most everyone has that huge desire to stay in their home, often it’s finances and safety that make that no longer a possibility, you’ll have to decide if and when that time comes. And don’t underestimate how difficult moving him into a siblings home will be on that sibling, even a compliant, happy senior is a lot to have around the clock in one’s home
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Your profile says Dad has Dementia. Does someone have POA? If Dad is declared incompetent to make his own decisions, then the POA takes over. Its now what he needs not what he wants. Just be aware by moving him at this age with Dementia, he may decline more.
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mslynne Sep 2020
You made a good point. I want to stay in my home no matter what! It's my life. If I get dementia I hope I live and die in my own place. That's just me.
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Did anyone create a Care Plan for Dad that would tell the Aide what they are supposed to be doing while in the home?  Is the Care Plan being followed? Who did the assessment?  Did family members have any input or were goals put in place?  Have you as family members looked into caregiver support?  You say moving to brothers is the ideal situation, why? how far is the move?  will he be able to keep his current medical team? will brother be home with him or will you still need to hire aides?
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I think that it is what you would have to do. Tell him it is a vacation. U may have to regularly tell him something happened to the house and he won't be able to go back until it is fixed. Something internal like asbestos.
He would be better off. With dementia I often have to give alternative facts to get him to comply. It is hard but for his good.
It is the sad reality of helping a loved one who cannot reason. Prayers 4 u all💜🙏🏾💜💜
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Dementia changes everything u cannot solely allow him to make decisions.
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I take it that your brother lives far from him and or the house that your father lives in is not adequate for him and his family?

I would tell Dad that we are going on vacation and then move some of his personal stuff that looks like home to a room where he would be staying I believe that is your best option and I applaud you and your family for wanting to care for your elderly father!

God bless all of you and best wishes!
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Does your brother want to give up his life to be a 24/7 caregiver? Who decided this for him?
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