Dementia? Normal Aging? Help!

I think if you talk with the doctor before a visit to the doctor would be wise. Make an appointment for some "reason" and the doctor can take it from there. Be sure someone has a Power of Attorney and start figuring out what you are going to do for his care - are you going to be the caregiver or have him placed. I see serious problems on the horizon. Where is he living? Alone or with someone? You cannot fix him - he will not allow it, nor understand. You need a family conference and advice from the professionals how to handle this.

I would contact his physician and inform them of what is happening. He could screen him for dementia but I'm guessing FIL may pass it ad it is not an in-depth assessment of cognitive functioning. A neuropsychologist would be the service you need for a comprehensive evaluation. Competency is a legal issue involving the courts and if a person is declared incompetent, some type of guardianship may be required. Is his phone set up with call blocking? To get him to cooperate with the evaluation, I would play to his narcissism. Evaluators know how to smooth the waters so to speak especially if you speak to them about the situation ahead of time. If you can take possession of credit cards ATM card, banking information, I would do so. Good luck.

Imho, his seemingly "OCD" behavior has not carried over to other segments of his life, e.g. the sales scammer on the other end of the phone line. These companies prey on the elder population, in hopes that the unsuspecting elder will give up personal information. They are VERY good at what they do. The rule of thumb is if something seems too good to be true, it generally is! And one's financial institution's fraud department works 18 hour days cleaning up errors! His mind may be now altered if he took the time out of his day to call his proper carrier asking why they had not called him after he had received the call from the wrong one - the person he called didn't have time for such nonsense, no doubt.

NOTE TO ALL: Freezing credit is a GOOD thing to consider, however this protects you from someone using your information to open new accounts, buy a house or car, etc, it will NOT protect your current bank accounts, etc, or "save" you if you have signed something you shouldn't have! I froze mine after someone in the EC atty office EMAILED my SS#. Even after taking her to task regarding this, she doesn't get it. Anyway, I was able to freeze my own, but you may need POA or some legal assistance to freeze someone else's.

"He is still considered "competent"..." - by who?

It isn't always forgetfulness that comes first. Sometimes lack of judgement can show up first - sounds like he might be there. The first clue I had was the repetition due to short term memory loss, but she lived alone, so we weren't privy to all the goings-on.

Hopefully someone has already had all the legal documentation and assignment of POA. If not, he might still be considered competent enough to do this, but it sounds like his cognitive issues may prevent him from agreeing to doing any of that.

I will say the doc we changed to when I got fed up with mine/mom's DID do the testing, but for mom it was a joke really - she was already living in MC at that point. Between dementia and hearing loss, they couldn't even complete the test. I will say that the nurse from the aide company we had hired to try to keep her in her condo for as long as possible did an excellent test IN her condo, with us present. She was only early stage at that point, but the nurse made recommendations, such as using a locked timed med dispenser. Mom probably was more comfortable doing it this way, since she was home and we were there. At a doc office, anything said that implied any problem, she would become irate and want OUT.

It sounds like he is living with someone, not alone. If he is and there is no POA set up, it would probably be best to curtail or exclude his access to computers and phones, and meanwhile look into whether you could set up POAs.

The Do Not Call list won't really help in this instance. Only legit entities would honor that - the scam calls will continue (they seemed to die down some, but have been ramping up lately, including getting calls from Voicemail, which means some butt-face out there is using MY number to call my phone!) The good news is the preventatives seem to be eliminating the voice messages (I do NOT answer any number not programmed in my phone - if it's legit and important, they will leave a msg!)

I am not familiar with the various tools out there to nanny-proof phones and computers, but if you want him to have some access, you need to explore them. If he's living with one of you, the mail should be checked and only innocent mail should be given to him.

Another way around not having POA is to sign up as rep payee for SS. At the very least you would control that (he would have NO access to it). If he has other income or assets, you will need POA, assessment and/or guardianship.

Use naela.org and zip code to find local EC attys. Many will give a limited first consult for free. Draw up all questions for each atty you contact, including a best/worst case cost estimate for all avenues - his assets should be used for this, but until everything is in place, you won't have access. Questions should include how to reimburse yourself if you have to cover the initial charges, or can they be deferred. A GOOD EC atty can interview him and determine if he is still capable of signing documents. If they say no, rep payee and/or guardianship would be the only options.

Meanwhile, do what you can at home to prevent him accessing unsafe sites/emails and answering phone calls! Unless he is very savvy and can see through it, you could do things like unplug the phone and computer (or turn off the wifi on it) when he's not looking, and then take them away to be "fixed." He asks about them, they are still in the repair shop! Soon....

Hi! My mom has dementia. 81yrs old. She is also paranoid and vulnerable to scams. I have had to cleaned up her bank account because of automatic withdrawals. If you have kaiser there is an assessment process. I took a class.. and was set up with a specialist, social worker etc.. it is not easy being a caregiver to insanity. Because basically that’s what it is. No sugar coating here. I commend you for caring❤️ Also... Collabria Care (if you have one) has an abundance of resources. My advice .. that was given to me.. take one step at a time. Sincerely, Toni

Whoa. It's going to get really messy if he gets into trouble with potential legal obligations and identity theft...for starters I'd alert his bank; if you can get POA and be in charge of his account with on-line access that should give you a leg up as would freezing his credit records at all the agencies. Also, although it may be of limited help, get his number on the Do not call list. I agree, if you're able and he will go along and not circumvent your efforts...getting rid of the phone...However...it might work to just get his number changed. You used to be able to do that. Another idea is to get his bills, his mail and have it sent to his name c/o you or to a PO BOX so no solicitations come in the mail. My guess is they are sharing/selling mailing lists.

As for an assessment, it depends on how sharp your person is. For instance with my mom who does have dementia, she was pretty damn slick so that even our good MD was clueless until I woke up and smelled the coffee. A trip to see my sister and the new environment made me step back and see we had a problem. MD said next time she had an appt, I should stay home, and he did the mini mental just like that. A few basic questions and she scored poorly. Now it's possible, you have to realize, that your loved one may be perfectly competent to make these dreadful decisions. BUT at least your concerns will have been documented. In our case we went on to see a neurologist who specialized in dementia/alzheimer's...mom was somewhat uncooperative when they had her in another room attempting to screen for depression. With all of us together the MD was a master, it was just a very casual flow of conversation and discussion that included mom and he had it figured out between that and some paper questions we had answered prior.

If you think he'd be uncooperative, then I would contact his MD and share your concerns, give him the heads up and ask to have something like the mini-exam done when next he is in.
Wishing you luck...

You'd also be well advised to contact an elder law attorney to make sure things are in order if and when you do need to step in.

My mom would do some of the same things with phone calls. However she wasn't very mobile so keeping the phone out of reach helped her not to answer. We would also silence the ringer so it didn't alert her and other person in home would answer the phone. There was a No Soliciting sign on her front door. Accounts were on auto-pay so bills didn't come to the home. When she wasn't able to write checks my brother, her POA, took the checkbook & managed her bills. We picked up the mail & gave her the personal ones only. When she had her yearly physical, under Medicare they are suppose to have a cognitive test. If her doctor hasn't done one in the past, call ahead or when app't is made to ask that doctor perform one. Some of testing is noticeable, some isn't. They'll be asked to draw a clock face. If they don't do testing, find a geriatric PCP. Hopefully we have helped answer some of your questions. Good Luck!

What are the best cell phones?

BlueEyedGirl, great advice and insight given below. You definitely need to resist trying to reason with him -- he won't remember or cooperate if he does. He has cognitive decline and must be protected from himself. You can have his incoming landline calls redirected to your mobile if your are his DPoA. If not, this needs to happen or you won't be able to help him legally with anything financial or medical without going through a guardianship process.

You must lock down his sensitive financial info: take original signed PoA paperwork to bank (and whatever dementia proof they require) and get authorized to manage his accounts. Remove his checkbook from his reach and any blanks; removed credit/debit cards; take pic of his driver's license; make sure he doesn't carry his SS card (like many of his generation); have his mail redirected to a PO or to your home; credit alert services may be worthwhile. You don't have to tell him you're doing this...he won't like it and will resist but it needs to happen. If he has a mobile phone and computer, access needs to be restricted or prohibited. These are the gateways to financial scammers, cat phishers, etc. Make sure you know what his passwords are and that he can't change them. The sooner you do this the better. Let us know how it goes. I wish you much success!

Notify the credit bureaus to put a hold on his accounts. You probably need to be a DPOA to do this. Someone could sit with him and call them. That might help with some types of abuse.

See if you can find him a geriatric primary who would be more adept at treating (and testing) seniors. Is it obvious, not necessarily. The doctors who routinely do this are pretty conversational and attentive so your FIL would probably enjoy showing off at first. DH aunt doesn’t like to be tested as she knows she can’t remember and it makes her sad but she has never refused to start. She has quit part way through.

My experience with this was very mild in comparison. I do see the occasional piece of mail indicating DH Aunt has pledged donations to one organization or another over the phone. Since I handle all the mail (locked mailbox) those items are trashed as received. She bought a vacumn cleaner once from a door to door guy.
When I told her I wished she wouldn’t do things like that, she said “me, too”. Giving up the checkbook took care of impulse buys after that.

Having someone who is oppositional is difficult regardless of the level of cognition. You already know he has dementia and that knowledge ( while helpful) won’t stop him from engaging with scammers.

His activities will have to be closely monitored until he gets through this stage.

Don’t expect him to remember that the family won’t help him clean up his mess or even that he has been scammed.

Does anyone have a DPOA or HCPOA?

In most cases, you can have a person who sees the doctor evaluated. Most doctors will listen to the family members. I prepared a memo that listed ALL the things that were of concern, so the doctor knew before evaluation. AND, I stood behind my LO to shake my head no, when LO gave incorrect answers. They'll have him draw things on paper and ask him to count, etc. You might be surprised, but, if he's not competent to manage his own affairs, he is at risk.

Is there any reason, you can't just provide him with a safer phone and limit who he may call? It may be that he must be supervised at all times to prevent him from divulging information.

Just before my LO was diagnosed with dementia, she told several check out clerks at Walmart how much money she had in her checking account, IN FRONT of other customers. I think she was bragging. It was very dangerous. My pleas for her to stop didn't help. THEN, she let in TWO complete strangers and gave them all of her information, ss#, dob, checking account#, etc. She called me immediately and I was able to determine that they were a legit home security company, but, still....she had signed a contract for installation and services, not knowing the terms. She told me she was sorry and that she didn't know why she did it....so, it was not safe for her to live alone anymore.