Mom is depressed and just lays around all day. What should I do?
Mother is 83 lives alone in a big home. Has a dog. She is very frail,has bad feet,bunions,calluses,corns,etc. She has a deformed right leg(from childhood)which is always bent.She walks hunched over.She has copd.Diabetic.She is extremely hard headed & overdoses on otc meds(sleeping pills,nyquill,etc). She has forever taken xanax also. I told her she is a drug addict. Her whole day consists of laying on the couch or sitting in a rocker. Wont watch tv,wont go out,just complains over & over or sits around bawling all day. When you ask what's wrong now she just lets me have it! I go there every day for 2-3 hours,clean,wash dishes,vacuum,mop,walk the dog,make meals,get the mail,pull weeds,you get the drift. No matter what I do she is always down & depressed says she just wants to die. She uses a walker,wheelchair,cane & anything else for support but just sits all day! I've been to her docs & specialists & they can do so much. I think she needs a psychiatrist. I really do. She's always tired & wont discuss al or health aide cuz she says she cant afford it. She is on medicare & ssi. I dont have any funds to help pay for anybody either. So what should I do? Im in Florida. Should I contact the Counsel on Aging down here(st lucie county). Can they help? I do not live with her. She doesnt drive.She just seems to have given up on life & wants to take me with her. Also when I suggest getting outside help she tells me "why? youre around". Ive been doing this for 8 yrs & Im very burned out! Also I dont drive either! I dont know what to do. It is very rough on me. Oh and I live alone also(which I love). Yesterday I just blew up on her because of her lies. Any suggestions out there?
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I think that she needs to see a geriatric psychiatrist to deal with the depression and the otc pill abuse. Depression is such a sad and insidious disease. If she could get some effective help for that her situation and yours would be greatly improved.
Getting Mom to the psychiatrist might not be easy. It is hard to help someone who refuses help. Do your best and don't beat yourself up over what you can't control.
The behavior you can control is your own. Take care of yourself. Don't let Mom take you down with her. Look into outside help. Cut back on what you do, whether she accepts help or not. There is a fine line between helping her and enabling her to continue unhealthy behavior.
Best wishes to you as you struggle with this.
Many older people also think there is magic in pills. If something hurts, take a pill. If sugar is too high, take a pill. Feel a bit nervous, take a pill. Unfortunately, many have not learned how behaviors can regulate our chemistry and mood. Does your mother get a good diet? I know she doesn't exercise much, but is there a way to get her to do a few things, e.g. laundry, washing dishes, sweeping? There are many simpler things that will get her moving around a bit and aren't too demanding on the balance and back.
Is there a reason you don't drive? How do you get around? I was thinking that if you were a little less available, your mother might decide she needs to do a bit more for herself. Everyone needs to be productive, so it would be good for her to do things for herself when possible. Doing too much for her seems nice at the moment, but the long-term effect can be just the opposite. Try to get her engaged in doing simple chores.
I don't know if these things will help or just create more frustration. I do think you need to take care of yourself. We caregivers, for some reason, tend to pull in to ourselves. I know I do it and it is a bad thing. We can't become so focused on the lives of our parents that we neglect our own lives. I think it is important that we close the door on our parents sometimes, stop living their lives, and start living our own.
She turned it all the way down so it wouldnt put out oxygen! So I turned it back up & told her to LEAVE IT ALONE! So she says well I will probably be in the hospital tonite but I dont know how they will get in. I told her well tell them to call me & wake me up. So I just left! So as of now 7:21am nobody has been over there. See how she is?! My nerves are shot! Here I have planned a nice Thanksgiving dinner for 2 & all she talks about is being in the hospital. I finally got her to admit that she just wants to go there cuz she needs more drugs. Have you ever heard such nonsense? Her pcp wont prescribe them anymore to her so her solution is to go to the hospital. So how could I make sure that this psycho doesnt get any "crazy" drugs in the hospital. She is very good at lying & making the docs think she is sick! Help!!!
Is it Xanax your mother is wanting? Doctors are getting more cautious with prescribing it now. I wish I could think of some magic solution for your mother. The only thing I can think is that I hope you can find a way to help without enabling her behavior. From what you wrote, it sounds like she may actually be better off living in a facility, but I know she won't go for that. You probably won't be able to control what she does, but you can control what you are willing to do for her. The behaviors can really devour your time if you let them.
Seems our differences are just grating more and more. Mother is very tidy and organized, I am more lick-and-a-promise, which works out as well as you'd think. Sometimes you can't do enough, can't ever do enough. Don;t know what to advise about the medicines, we just started Spiriva this week and already Mother says she doesn't like it, wants to just stay on her little atomizer.
Question: If she were able to go, would a short stay in hospital actually help your mother? If she has real difficulties she might listen to a professional, even if he says the same things you do. Also, you'd get a much needed break in the constant caring and assuring.
Your neighborhood sounds sad, not unlike my own. People tend to keep to themselves and take care of themselves here, tho I've hardly been cordial these last months, staying in with Mother all the time. Do you have any friends, any one in church you can talk to?
She may do well with a mild anti depressant as many elders do need.
It is common for the elderly to be depressed, especially when living alone.
Your Senior Center may have volunteers that come into the home for "friendly visits".
Have you tried calling the 211 info line as they may have some suggestions of Senior help ( Healthy Aging, etc. ) programs for your Mom.
Best wishes.
SHE NEED YOUR SUPPORT, ALSO LIST OF MEDS, WRITE DOWN MEDICAL HISTORY AND WHAT YOU SEE ON A DAILY BASIS, I AM ON 12 YEARS TAKING OVER MOMS MEDS DUE ALZHERMIERS, SHE IS ON LAST STAGE, TAKE A STEP BACK , AND DEEP BREATH THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU, BUT SOME TIMES YOU HAVE TO ALSO LOOK AT THIS AS WHAT IF IT WAS THE OTHER WAY AROUND AND MOM WAS THE DAUGHTER AND I WAS MOM,
OR WHEN YOUR HER AGE , HOW WOULD YOU WANT TO BE TAKEN CARE,
BE REALISTIC WOULD WE NOT WANT SOME THERE TO ADVOCATE
FOR US AND ALL ELDERLY, WHAT ARE YOUR MOTHERS WISHES, MY MOTHER GAVE US HER WISHES IN 2003 MY FATHER DID IN 2002.
SHE WANTED TO BE AT HOME TO THE END , EACH DAY I TRY TO DO THE BEST I CAN FOR HER WE ARE ON HOSPICE AS APRIL 24, 2012, I QUIT MY JOB IN 2010 FEB, USE MY FAMILY LEAVE 12, I LIVE IN AUSTIN,TX. YOU HAVE
TO DECIDE WHAT IS BEST FOR YOUR MOM, HEALTH, MENTALLY, WRITE NOTES AND WHAT TIME MEDS TAKEN, ANTIDEPRESSANT SAME TIME EACH
DAY, ANY REACTION TO PILLS, ALL CAN EFFECT HER MOODS, NOT EATING RIGHT, START with her doctor first, CALL MAKE APPOINTMENT AND HAVE THEM MAKE NOTE OF WHY YOUR CALLING AND THAT YOU NEED HER TO BE CHECK OUT, ITS CRITICAL RIGHT AWAY, COULD START WITH DEMENTIA,
ALZHEIMER, DOCTOR ARE REALIZING THAT 15 TO 20 YEARS BEFORE
THE PERSON IS DIAGNOSED WITH THIS DISEASE, AND ONCE YOUR NOT AS MOBILE, AND DEPRESSION, HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, CHOLESTEROL,
READ ARTICLES AREAAGENCYONAGING.COM
IN AUSTIN 11 YEARS AGE AND AREA ON AGENCY HAVE CONFERENCE
CHECK IN YOUR. AREA. I AM MEXICAN AMERICAN AND MOTHER SIDE TOOK
CARE OF EACH OTHER, MY GRAND MOTHER CARE FOR HER MOTHER,
MY MOTHER TOOK CARE OF HER MOTHER, NOW IT MY MOTHER,
BUT I AM NOT ALONE MY SON AND DAUGHTER HELP ME, AND PRAYERS!!
MY PRAYING THAT YOU WILL FIND YOUR WAY, SIGNED MEXTEX!
Yes, please call them for your own sake before she drives you nuts. You have a life to live as well. Like someone else mention about the hospital may not be such a bad idea for maybe they can find an alternative prescription to help her n u can get some rest too. Keep us up-to-date on how things work out bad or good. Vent away as much as you need for we all do it.
Please call your local Senior Center , they may have a program set up with volunteers to make home visits.
Please talk to the Senior director there.
Our area Senior clubs do have this program & if yours doesn't they may consider one if you mention it.
Best wishes.
As for your mom; you've got to get some free counseling for yourself through a church group or you yourself go to the local senior center and ask for counseling for yourself or just vent to their social worker and explore what resources are available. If nothing else, you will feel better and understand your options. They might be able to at least alleviate some of your stress and guilt over caregiving for your mother.
Next; set boundaries with your mom today and stick with it. One hour in the morning; one hour in the afternoon; whatever works for you. Make a chore list and type it up in big print for her...you agree to do some things; she agrees to do some things. Cook some meals in the peace of your own home; then portion to one per size and take them to her and tell her she can microwave. Then tell her you will have dinner with her 2 nights per week as an example; no more. You are no good if you have a breakdown or collapse from stress and exhaustion and can't help her at all.
I would say, probably nothing you can do about the pills. IT happened with my mom temporarily and I phoned the doctor and told them if they renewed the prescrip I would sue them -- they were renewing without re-examining her and she is 89 and living alone. It stopped and she ran out and that was that. She asked another dr for the drugs (pain pills) but I had already sent him a letter telling him she was not to have any without being coupled with physical therapy (so she would at least get out of the house and do something to alleviate the pain vs drugs); he complied as they didn't want a lawsuit. BTW, neither dr suggested PT because its easier to just push pills and they are done with it -- we caregivers are left with dealing with it.
The Counseling idea sounds really good n u probable can get if from a church n meet other people who might be able to help you n your situation with your mom. It sad to hear that she won't help herself n the drug part with the freaking doctors. My mnl use to be on something n the pharmacist kept refilling n the freaking physician had passed away yrs ago! It can also be the pharmacist too trying to make a buck or two. Finally, she ended up n the hospital n her new physician n us turned in that pharmacy! He no longer works their anymore. They were able to change her old nerve pill to another that was less addictive until he got her off completely. I do hope u find some answers n yell, kick, scream n vent all u must to help keep your sanity.
I hope everyone here has a blessed holiday. Gobble, gobble. ; )