Mom is depressed and just lays around all day. What should I do?

deb0452, Quit feeling guilty for she n her husband r grown people!!! They can ride a bus, take a taxi or walk to get around just like plenty of other people had to do to get things done. No one said life was easy.

I personally agree with your mom!

You r already stressing and they r not even their at YOUR house. You know already that you will be responsible for any co-signing n you n your mom cannot afford to lose your own home just because they seem to not have growed up. You are already answering your question but you are allowing your heart to take the toll. You r strong n need to let them know that, you love them however, they need to take care of their own mess that your plate is full.
I know its got to be hard being it is your child but your child is grown n has her own family now n they need to take responsibility for themselves. They should already know what n where they can go for help in their little town n churches. You have enough already on your hands. Listen to your mom....
I hope you n your family have a blessed Thanksgiving.

Deb, I so agree with everything all these others have said. I too, live in Florida and my brother refused to move out of my mom's house, said I would have to evict him...so my sisters and I first put mom in an Assisted Living and then put the house up for sale-he had no choice but to move then. Now mom lives with me because she was at a point of needing more help than she could afford at the AL. My mom was an enabler, allowing my brother and half his family to live there free-no rent, no grocery money, nothing. They were bleeding her dry. They would say and do things to make her feel guilty and she would fall for it all hook, line, and sinker. Enabling just allows those who will take advantage to take advantage. It doesn't help anyone, especially your daughter and her husband to be the responsible individuals they can and should be. May I suggest that since her phone calls upset you so much you just don't answer the phone...you really don't have to you know...it's your choice. You and your family will remain in my prayers....be strong.

well it has been awhile since I wrote so I thought I would give an update. As of right now this minute NOTHING HAS CHANGED! She has been in and out of the er since my last post. They just keep sending her back home alone. So last night she says she will have to call 911 AGAIN cuz of her copd which is being controlled. Now she wants to get on steroids which her pcp & lung dr will not prescribe for her since she refuses to abide by their rules. Also they told her that the drug was poison for her. She goes absolutely ballastic when coming down off those drugs & needs to be in a straight jacket! No lie! How do I get these docs or paramedics to UNDERSTAND that she does not need to be hospitalized for drama she is creating for herself! She has been overmedicating herself with her drugs so she can look very ill for when she calls 911. How many times do I need to tell this to the paramedics that arrive?? They just take her anyway and then the er sends her back. Did I tell you she has no ride or transportation to get home? Why do they keep doing this? The last time they brought her back via ambulance about midnite & she put on her act about everything & sure enough that night he took her back again so the dr on call sent her to a nursing rehab place. Do you all fricken believe this? She needs psychiatric help not another bed!

I'll echo what gittykate said…it could be possible that she has a UTI, and at any rate you can use that to get her to the doctor, and then you can tell the doctor the rest…check with senior services and agencies too to see what they have to offer in your area. Above all, reach out to a therapist for yourself…it's obvious that you're experiencing a tremendous amount of stress. You may or may not be able to help her change her situation, but you CAN change yours, or at least find some coping mechanisms. You don't have to do this alone.

deb, its high time you talk to the hospital social worker. There are probably rules about paramedics taking someone to the hospital if they complain of certain things, just to avoid the "crying wolf" syndrome. but wait - you said they put her in a rehab - that might be just the ticket! she gets taken care of, you get to unstress enough to just think straight for a minute, locate your backbone, and figure out how to stop letting freeloader kids and a depressed, unreasonable mom eat your breakfast lunch and dinner! Mom may have dementia, and strictly speaking that's not psychiatric, but simply fuels making unreasonable decisions based on what she feels like at any given moment without a thought to consequences or effects on other people.

So again in Jan 2015 she called 911 AGAIN! This time they gave her antibiotics and prednisone which I kept STRESSING TO THEM those steroids make her NUTS!!! So of course here we go again with the home visiting nurses same old stuff as last time with the paperwork,etc.I have told every single doc and nurse she wants drugs! That is all that is wrong with her. So as of yesterday she is coming down off these meds and she also got one of these nurses to order more steroids for her cuz she was faking she was still having problems!! These a..holes call ME after the fact to ask ME how she is feeling. I screamed hollered and cried to them all. She is not to have these drugs! She is going delusional,screaming hollering yelling as of yesterday. Then she starts laughing and says "yea its the drugs". I was so fed up with that woman I was ready to pitch her thru the wall. This morning she calls to ask ME if I fed her dog after I walked it. WHAT????The dog lives with her not me.She was awake when I brought the dog in and she knew I just gave the dog fresh water & left. What is the matter with her? And no she doesnt have a uti. Nor brain cancer,nor stomach cancer,no pneumonia,no serious illness except copd. She can control that herself. So I ask you her docs and her WHAT THE HELL IS HER PROBLEM??? I dont want anything to do with her.

What keeps you from thinking she has dementia? How about meds for depression? I haven't been following this post prior to today, so you may have already discussed this. If so, sorry. My mom did very well for years while taking both Lexapro for depression and aricept for dementia. God Bless you.

She was tested for dementia & also saw neurologist(s) and psychiatrist who didnt find anything wrong. Also went thru brain scans.

So yesterday we spend all morning getting to and from doc office. What a waste of my time. Why are we going? To get her blood pressure. What?!! Doc comes in asking same ? as before. How are you feeling,your blood pressure is fine,your blood work is fine,your blood sugars are fine and are you still taking all these medications? Yes somewhat. I think she is up to 13 of them.Ok good so we will give you "low dose 10mgs" PREDNISONE for your breathing!!!! I hit the roof right there. The doc left. Mother all embarrassed. I couldnt give a flying fu.k. These idiots dont have to be around this recluse when she is coming down off this crap! They dont fricken care about how I may feel. Is this what docs do now? Just give MORE drugs and send them out the door because there is nothing left they can do??? I have told mother a thousand times not to bother anymore. She has a dnr and there is nothing more the doc can do for her!!! Do I seem mad at 6:42am? Oh you bet I am. And now the roller coaster begins again. I have done everything but call the cops on her harrasing me cuz she has nobody else to scream and holler at and pick fights with. She is nuts!!!!

Deb, what does the doctor say about how your mom reacts to the steroids?

How about not answering the phone when she calls? And not picking her up from the hospital?

The doc says it is a side affect which I already knew about that! I do not pick her up from hospital or rehab. She has to take a cab or medi-car. I dont answer her calls. Most of the time I let them go to voicemail where she leaves me nasty messages.

So here she is AGAIN coming down off the steroids & starts her ranting about how I dont do anything & what do I do all day(I stay away as much as possible) and how come I am such a lousy b*tch & how old and sick she is,and how she wishes she would just die(I agreed with her)and on & on about the neighbors(who want nothing to do with her) and starting fighting with the senior bus call takers,how stupid they are,blah,blah blah. So at 11am sharp I left again. See how my life is? Now this will keep on EVERY SINGLE DAY till she decides it is time to call 911 again. Now I will start AGAIN getting the nasty voicemails. I keep on telling those d*mn doctors she DOES NOT NEED those pills. I am so sick and tired of her dumb ass merry-go-round I could vomit! Just another saga in my soap opera.

So nothing has changed since last post. She is still laying around feeling sorry for herself. But hey today we get to go to the lab for bloodwork. Wow just what I was looking to do. After all I have nothing else to do right??!! So why are we doing this? Oh because dr says to. For what? I dont know she says. So why are you going? Because I have to go to dr on april 21st. For what? I dont know she says. EXACTLY MOTHER! They cant find anything wrong with you so they keep on sending you back & forth for stuff you dont need to do. So now this dr is going to refer her to a different dr. Can you all believe this nonsense? So now I will have to be dragged to a whole different doc and fill out all this paperwork & more tests because of this crazy ass woman who thinks she is sick!!!!! What the hell is wrong with these doctors that do not believe me when I am telling them all to high heavens she JUST WANTS DRUGS!!! So this crazy ass tells me well if I dont get what I want I will just call 911 and they will give them to me. I told her you sure as hell wont come back here with any. She wants more steroids. I threw the others away. Too damn bad. These fricken doctors dont have to put up with her tantrums and outbursts and psychosis side affects. So as you can see I am very very pissed off right now and I have been up since 4am knowing the merry go round is still going on & will never stop to let me off.

Get control of the meds. My mother, 84, too many ailments to list, is classic pill head elder. Her many docs prescribe this, oh no better, we'll try that etc.. She's spent the last 20 years lying in bed staring at the ceiling and being pitiful. She was an enabler to my younger sister who was a prescription med addict and died of an overdose at age 42 leaving two young children. I finally quit f....ing around with her and starting getting her off the oxycodone, Xanax, sominex, and on and on and on. I didn't mess with any of the heart, blood pressure stuff, but cut her way back on all the pain and over counter crap. She whined and cried, threatened suicide, but guess what!! It worked. For the first time in years she's up before noon, eating, cleaning and cooking a little, and alert and engaged. So many of our elders have their lives ruined by the medical big pharma system. They see these g d ads and call the doc who prescribes whatever to get them to shut up. Sorry for the rant (I feel better now!) but getting control of the drugs has changed our lives. Elder care is hard enough on the best days. We need to quit letting the docs make zombies out of old folks. And before everyone tells me how such and so med is vital etc, I understand the importance of proper meds. My folks still take virtual handfuls of pills, but it was well worth the battle with mom to get rid of the stuff she didn't need.

So after waiting on the bus to take to lab which was a 2 hour wait (I thought Id die) she starts her complaining how she isnt going to go to lab anymore,how sick she is,how tired she is,so many people there,blah,blah,blah. I told her straight out "well if you would stop pretending you are so sick you wouldnt have to come here and waste my time".So she just sat there fuming. Ha ha! People looking at her. Ha ha. Too bad! So the blood work AGAIN came out fine. Nothing wrong with you AGAIN MOTHER!!! So she gets back home and here she goes. I need my medication,I need to sleep, I need some water,Im so sick. Why are you sick mother? Because I am very very sick!! she yells. Why? What is wrong with you? Oh just leave me alone now I gotta go lay down. No problem I say. I leave. I come back later in day and see if she is hungry. No she says she got some crackers & liversausage & she is fine. Ok I leave. Bella(the dog) probably needs to go out since she hasnt been out since early this am. Oh no she says she let her out. That was a d*mn lie since I was out all day working in the yard. So I took the dog anyway & let her do her business. Brought the dog in & left again.
So yesterday she starts AGAIN. Did I send in her ambulance payment? Yes I did mother. When are you going to call them again I ask. She wants more attention and drugs. She says well probably soon. Why I ask.She is talking like she is planning a vacation. She says well I get better drugs in the hospital. What kind mother because when I see your papers there isnt anything different except the steroids. So you mean to tell me you are going to fake another breathing episode and call the ambulance just to get steroids that the doc can probably give you. I guess so she says.The doc doesnt want me to take them. I know I say! I told her she is absolutely NUTS and left. So that was yesterday. Today is another day. Any words for me??

So, why do you go with her? Just don't respond.

Babalou, because she takes a wheelchair and she claims she cant see and cant push herself in it and cant make it up the ramp and cant open the door and cant sign in. She is a recluse and people and being outside scare her. She sits there and cries if she cant find somebody she might know. Making a fool of herself. I usually get her there on the bus sign her in & go outside and wait. Then she will just sit there till I come back in! I ask her why she didnt go outside and she says well I cant open the door by myself. She can she just doesnt want too! She wants pity and attention from strangers thinking it will embarrass me. It doesnt. It makes her look more stupid than she is. And you say don't respond?? Really?? She will call 911 to take her home instead of waiting for bus. Also she cant dial a cell phone. Will ask strangers to call for her. Never interested in learning to work a cell phone. Any other ?'s for me? I can go on you know.

Deb this has gone on for 2 1/2 years! Or 10 1/2 since you waited about 8 years to post about it. It sounds like this is absolutely Chinese water torture to you at this point. She is insisting on doing things her way, without a clue how very maladaptive it is and probably thinks you as her daughter are responsible for fixing it all for her. In a way you are; she clearly can't problem solve and has no way to get herself the psych care that she really needs, while her behaviors for trying to make herself feel better all backfire by alienating you while getting her nothing but a few minutes of attention and pity. She has a great deal of anxiety and a very limited behavioral repertoire, lacking in healthy ways to get her needs met. She probably has enough frontal lobe dysfunction at this point to lack initiation capabilities and possibly can't overcome her anxiety anyways. The "I can't open the door" could well be just a confabulated excuse, a red herring, covering for the fact that she cognitively could not rouse herself to act. You used the word "stupid" and I can't fault you for that, except I tend to use that word for people who aren't using whatever brainpower they have...she may not or may no longer have it.


Did the Agency on Aging have any help for her and you?

If you did leave her to her own devices, the dog would not be cared for, and 911 would eventually get tired of the merry-go-round too, and surely they have to keep taking her to the same ER, where they will also be on to her. I take it you can't get guardianship and get her in to a different situation where the excess Xanax would get out of her system and let her get undepressed and maybe less impaired behaviorally, but I suppose you could shut off a lot of the complaining by telling her that if she is so sick, she is too sick to be at home by herself and she will have to sell the house and use the money to pay for assisted living.

If you are stuck seeing other specialists with her anyways, if she does not let you accompany her in to the visit, you are stuck trying to let them know in advance what is really going on; if you have any option to, get her to a comprehensive geriatric evaluation. (That way she can say "you just want to put me away somewhere and take all my money" even though she does not have money, at least not that you know of, or hey, maybe you will find out...) but seriously, it would give you more of an idea of what you are dealing with in terms of cognitive function and possibly be a way to set up her medical care - which it sounds like she does need- so it is not contingent on her acting sick. Anything but a vicious cycle of aches and pains that would be expected with old age and her conditions, trips to the hospital, getting blood work and being told "nothing wrong with you" when in her mind, she feels like crap and there has got to be an explanation, therefore even more acting up next time to get someone to try to make her feel better. Steroids acutely give you a boost in mood though chronically they cause more depression and mood swings.

So, what I am suggesting, is distance yourself emotionally from the sheer torture of dealing with this, and try to break it down behaviorally from her point of view, and account for possible losses in brain function due to the combination of old age, long-standing diabetes, and the wrong drugs for anxiety and depression. Deb, you are probably the only one who can find the off-ramp to the merry-go-round here; she either can't or she is getting enough out of the ride that she does not want to - but honestly - she sounds terribly unhappy and as you said, in a way she is just seeking a vacation from her life as it currently is.

vstefans..This has been going on for 11years now. Every single day of my life. Sometimes I just dont have enough energy to come on here to type. Every day it is something else! This morning she is screaming elder abuse because I threw away her steroids that some nurse gave her. I told the nurse she cant have them because her doctor wont give them to her either. Well she needs them she says.See to prove my point to this crazy addict I slipped her one 2 days ago & absolutely nothing changed with her. Didnt do anything,not breathing better,still laying around on couch,NOTHING! So today the drug is wearing down & here she goes again. I was literally sitting and reading the paper on the porch and she starts screaming not talking about what a terrible person I am,how I do nothing for her,just on and on. I came in from the porch and said who are you talking to? She starts screaming saying you just come over here to start acting like you are something & i am telling you that is elder abuse. W-H-A-T???!!! I just made her breakfast,gave her pills,cleaned up after dog in kitchen,made bed,washed dishes,fed dog,gave fresh water,walked dog,got fresh coffee,I could go on..while she sat in chair..Now how in the hell do I have time to scream and yell when my break is to go read the paper. She chooses if she wants to come on porch or not. I dont ask and I dont beg her too. She is insanely jealous of me getting help for myself (because I do have friends) and nobody will help her. Yes I did have counsel on aging come by & since she puts on her act "all is fine" they dont do a thing. Same thing with social services. Nothing. They see the house is clean,she is fed,she says she is fine so off they go. Even when I tell them I am the one doing it!!! They think that is so nice..I could vomit! I tell her practically every other day call whoever you want and report me mother. I dont care! I have plenty of witnessess to your behavior & your insanity. There is nothing wrong with me. It is you mother! There is nothing I would like better than some official telling her I have to stay away from her. Oh I'd be in heaven! I would love for her to take care of herself & her house and dog & leave me alone FOREVER! Now what?

Get her on video or at least audio and try to get around the showtimers that way. Of COURSE they think its great you care for her so well, it is, and that way they aren't paying anything out of their budget for it. Eleven years is a damn long time for you to get nothing but hated on. Why do they not get that you need respite? Are you not making it clear that you don;t want to do this full time any more, or being very firm that you WILL not keep doing it?? And then they have a huge problem if you head out the door??

My Mother is 63 and definitely has depression. she is a different person then she was 10 years ago. she doesn't leave the house. she lays on the couch all day and night watching TV. she doesn't cook, clean, drive, shop, things she used to do. my dad has to think about everything. there is no intimacy anymore. my mom was in mental hospital for a few weeks she was on many medications and then she got out and stated taking her self off of them. she barely talks. she drinks a lot of beer. not sure what kind of depression this is she doesn't see anyone. I 35 her Son see a psychiatrist every 2 months I am on 6 different medications for Depression, social anxiety, and OCD