Hey guys? I found this board via Google tonight. And I was wondering if you all can help me out since I am truly at the end of it all!
Okay. Let's start with how the fall happened. This might be hard since this is a limited characters site, so bear with me.
It all began when my mother and I were doing some shopping at the local discount store within our neighborhood. Being that we both don't own a car, we car rely on cab service to get us to place to place. Against my wishes, as usual, my mother continued to buy a s--tload of products for me to carry since she suffers from lupus and experiences joint and muscle pains as of late. As of right now, my mother can't walk properly due to lupus putting her in this condition. She relies on me and uses me as support whenever we are walking within the streets. So. Things are going good. She wanted to buy even more products than what we already purchased, but I persuaded her not to. She listened. If only...
Right next door to this discount store is a McDonald's, nail salon, pharmacy, and a bank. My mother originally wanted to go to the bank, but detoured and went to the discount store instead.
For some reason, I knew this day wasn't going to end out well since she demanded that we go to McDonald's instead. Unfortunately, it was plagued with wall to wall high school knuckle-heads, with no seats available. So I suggested to my mother that she goes to the bank, and I'll order her food, while she is seated taking care of her business. Little did she know, I suggested this for her benefit since it was so crowded in this restaurant and there was no way possible I could assist her in walking and carry these HEAVY bags I was carrying.
She refused.
She see's a seat all the way on the other side of the restaurant and walks ahead of me.
Remember I said she uses me for assistance in walking, right?
I catch up with her and again beg her to go to the bank while I get the food. She again, refuses.
She zooms ahead of me, pulls out a seat, and falls between the seat and the table.
Now let me give you stats before I continue. My mother and myself are large bodied people in different ways. My mother is 5'11 and about 250 pds, while I am 5'6 and 180 pounds respectively. My mother is focused on her diet, and she's losing weight, but for right now she's a difficult person to help up when she falls.
I immediately drop my bags and try to assist my mother the first time and was unsuccessful. Then a nice young lady comes and tries to help me get mother up for a second time, and we were unsuccessful. A cheerleader comes over, and again, we are unsuccessful.
People continue to come to me asking me if my mother needs an ambulance and I say no.
Long story short. My mother hates calling 911 all the times she has fell with me. There were three times my mother fell in the home when I was there, and she stayed on the floor for a week in each of those events because she's stubborn. Another time she fell right in front of the doctor's office and refused to have paramedics called for whatever reason. If it weren't for this security guard that helped us, my mother would've probably stayed there all night.
So back to the story. I whispered to my mother that we HAVE to call 911, if she can't get up. I mean. We been there, done that, right?
She again refused and gave me the most evilest look ever.
While she was on the floor, she gave me her purse that was wrapped around her neck. I put it on the table, and she warns me to hold it for fear of theft. I obliged.
Several people again, keep asking me if they need us to call 911 and I just ignore them or decline.
My mother is on the floor for over 20 mins just waiting.
It wasn't until the woman that was with us asked for more muscle power, and three high school boys came up as volunteers, that THEY finally got my mother from up off the floor.
So when all is done and my mother is seated, I whispered to my mother that she must now allow me to call 911 if ever this situation should happen again.
And that's when it all went to hell. My mother turned beastly on me at the blink of an eye.
"Where were you?! You left me on the floor, for strangers to help get me! You were nowhere! Nowhere! You didn't even help!"
I was lost. I helped her three different times and each time was unsuccessful. I asked her to call 911 and she said no. She told me to hold her purse and I did just that. Why are you badgering me? I was right there by your side!
She pulls one of the high school-ers and asks him if I tried to help her off the floor and he said no. I said, "Sir. I did try three different times and it didnt pull through. If your mother was on the floor and she needed assistance u couldn't give her, wouldnt u call 911? Or would u continue using the same failed methods repeatedly?"
Silence.
My mother continues to chew me out over how I didn't do enough to help her and how I left her there on the floor. I am in shock!
1. In addition to whatever else is going on, your mom is mentally ill.
2. She needs to see her doctor about her mobility problems. She should be using a walker, probably, when she is feeling weak. No, she probably won't use one, but she should not be holding on to you. YOU'RE going to get hurt.
3. You should not be putting school and work on hold. Do you have a huge trust fund? Do you not need to work to support yourself? You need to get back on track. Today.
4. "Mom, I've taking care of you since your diagnosis. What happened yesterday shows me that I've done as much as I can. It's time to find professional care for you. I can't handle your needs anymore."
5. Don't stick around for verbal abuse. When it happens, walk out of the room or out of the house. Don't try to convince her of anything. Won't work.
Your mother dominates, manipulates and controls you. You plead and acquiesce, for whatever reasons. These are not criticisms; they are what I see in your posts.
Whether your mother is doing this because of some age-related dementia issues or whether this is her personality (which I suspect), nothing will change until you assert yourself. Yes, I know, easier said than done.
First, she needs to get and use a walker. This is the first time you can be firm. Tell her you're not going anywhere with her unless she has a walker. You're her son; you're not a cane, walker, or wheelchair and can't substitute for one.
Expect her to explode. so before you tell her she has to have a walker, make it clear that if she argues with you you're either go to hang up the phone and not take her calls until she calms down, or you're going to leave her house.
Second, you'll have to be firm, but there is no reason why your mother needs to direct the course of your shopping or use you as a pack mule. That's insulting. You'll have to tell her so, even though it will be hard.
Set limits to what she can buy. And remind her that you can't be her human cane and pack mule at the same time.
I have a feeling she's buying this stuff to accumulate, as some elders do.
Third, when you do go out, set limits on how many places you will go. Perhaps one or two legitimate shopping stops, someplace to eat, then home. No more add-ons. Expect her to argue and try to manipulate into going to more places she doesn't need to go. Be firm; call a cab. I hesitate to state that you may have to leave her because that's cruel, but it may come to that as I anticipate she'll refuse to get in the cab. I don't really have any good suggestions for this likely event.
A possible alternative though is to use small bus facilities if your community has them. They aren't going to sit around waiting while she goes to several different stores. They come for a pickup, and you get into the bus.
Fourth, see if you can find a support group for people with low self-esteem. Try your local hospitals. It might be hard, because there are lots of support groups for specific areas and diseases, but I haven't seen too many for self esteem issues.
Fourth, think back on your life and try to determine what happened that your mother has come to be such a dominator of your life, and think of what you can do to change that so you have more respect for yourself. This may take quite awhile; it didn't develop overnight and won't be cured overnight. It's a long process.
And listen to Ba8alou's fifth counsel: this is the crux of the issue. Sometimes you'll just have to leave and let your mother rant.
If you have siblings, expect that she'll call them and badmouth you. Let her, and then tell them come and help her.
I tried bringing up the other situations, she cuts me off. I tries bringing up to her that I tried two to three times to help her, she says I didn't do enough. I tried to tell her that even the cashier's say me standing right by near you, and we could ask them if you don't believe me. She says that's all I did. I. Am. Lost.
My mother is reasonable when it comes to a lot of things, but her health. Did I do the right things or was I in the wrong.
I'm a rational person, and would gladly say I was wrong if I was. So that's why I'm asking y'all on your opinions of this matter.
I suggested to my mother that we should run this situation to her doctor and try to get her opinion on it, and if she says I was wrong, that I shouldn't have called 911, and that I should've got her up off the floor somehow, that I would gladly apologize to my mother for my wrong, and she called me ungrateful. I don't get it. What am I going wrong in this situation?
My mother has a heart condition and blood clots on her lungs, and she's on blood thinners.
Excuse some of my typos here. I don't know how to edit my post as of yet.
wrong ?
no such things. it sounds like you done the best you can with a cantankerous old lady and shes trying to make everything your fault . if you want guff , bluster , irrationality and blame shifting on a larger scale , try dementia caregiving . there you would be dealing with insanity in increments which lead up to eventually constant hallucinations and death .
your just dealing with a crotchety old lady who wont listen to you . tell her to blow that guilt trip out her a** and start standing up to her a little moreso in the future.
its the " stand your ground law " . if she continues to confront you in a menacing way you can bust a cap in her azz..
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