H is in about stage 6, son and daughter in late 50's come or call a few times a year, even tho daughter lives nearby. They give no support or appreciation to me. They ask questing to my H like where did you eat tonight, trying to find out if we are going out and not in quarantine. We are in quarantine, we go no where. During conversation with his son recently my H said I tore a page out of his book and he does not have a phone number anymore. I have no idea what he is talking about, he is delusional and hallucinates. But they do not realize this and I get sideways dirty looks like if I dd something criminal. H has a cell phone, I removed all contacts except for a few friends and his son and daughter. He does not really know how to use his cell phone anymore. My H told his son he drinks beer every night and his son looks at me and says really? Now I have to defend myself-we have no beer in the house that is not true. I wish not to be put in this position ever agin, especially in my own home.
They are passive aggressive so don't call me, never ask about his dr, dr appointments, meds...nothing about the care of their father. Even with visits 2 or 3 times a year for an hour, they do not realize the depth of their fathers mental decline. The best way to describe them is infantile and takers. I really pisses me off when they start trying to pick their dad's brain about what I might be doing wrong.
I do have POA, we do have a will. His physicians tell me that I take excellent care of him, they are correct.
How do I not let these imbeciles bother me anymore?
You're right , they probably have NO clue that Dads brain is broken!
No idea what dementia is !
Maybe for Christmas, you should send each of them a book that goes into detail about Alzheimer's disease and how it robs its victims of all reason and reality!!
Best wishes!!
(((Hugs)))
She should be happy that each of you found love in your life.
She is the one pointing fingers. Have peace, knowing that you tried. I don’t blame you for not beating your head against her brick wall anymore.
Maybe one day she will learn that she can’t point a finger at you without looking at the remaining fingers pointing back at her!
And why is it when people like her are confronted they are shocked? And yet, they STILL blame the other person! Amazing, right?
You are the smart one, not allowing her to steal your joy. Good for you!
By the way, does his will include any provisions for you? If not, please consider putting something aside for yourself.
Do you call them? if not that might help, although it might not.
Gosh, I wish I could be more positive, I just can't.
The next time one of them questions something like beer, just say - you do know he has dementia, right? We don't keep beer in the house. The hard thing about dementia is that the patient can sound very convincing at times because what they are saying is very real to them.
My boyfriend's mother accused her husband of hitting her. He would just sit there and not say a word to us to deny it. We actually thought it might be true because she was in the beginning stages and we had no idea her mind was going. Later on, we found out she was the aggressor and he was reluctant to tell us because he promised to never put her in a home - he thought we would do so. We had to make sure the police were aware she was the one doing the hitting and scratching in case she called them to the house. Being it was in a small town, the police knew the family. We eventually had to move her after convincing him he had done all he could for as long as he could.
As an aside, I will state again that I am constantly surprised by the number of people (mainly children) who automatically assume they will inherit something from their parents particularly in cases of second marriages or blended families. And frequently this assumption is done in families that are not even in the 1% of wealth!
Already have informed my son that I'm leaving what little I have to my favorite charity to care for the elephants. His response: "Well, that's a good idea Mom. I think I'll look into that also. You've given me everything I need to survive and thrive as an adult. I don't need anything else but your enduring love."
I gotta love that kid!
You raised him well.
That being said, it took me 20 yrs. to realize that my Dad’s 2nd wife took loving care for him and would be the one to see him through the end of his days. As it turns out, she came down with Alzheimer’s at age 79. My 87 yr, old father is now her caregiver. Nothing has turned out the way I thought it would. This is life. Now that I’m 60...I’m grateful that both sets of parents as well as MIL (all 3 moms have dementia) have the funds to provide for caregivers, AL facilities, etc. I would make a terrible care giver. I live far away from both my mom and step mom. I SO appreciate my sister who cares for my mom. I support her in whatever way I can. In regard to my MIL w/ dementia......she was abusive to me for decades. I feel no responsibility to help additional abusive family members out with her. When I do, it’s out of the goodness of my own heart. I have no interest in her medical r3cords, meds, etc.
I don’t know what your situation w/ the 2nd marriage was, but kids are wrecked by divorce...even when they’re adults. We have latent anger issues, abandonment issues that we need to work on, especially if wife #2 was cheating on our mother with our father. All we have left is a possible inheritance....a small proof that our Dad loved us.
I have no answers, but offer a perspective.
Thank you for the honesty in your post!!
My hubby and I have been married for 14 years. 2nd marriage for us both.
I have 3 kids and my hubby has 1. None of them have lived with us.
When we married, hubby had financial issues. Alimony and child support. We've paid for his daughter to attend Texas A&M for 5 years, laser vision correction, laser skin resurfacing , her car, her wedding and many other things.
We have helped my children once in while, but nowhere near what we've done for his daughter.
In 14 years we have loved and lived and built a wonderful life together!! Still very much in love!!
I have value in our marriage. So as such, I feel my children are entitled to my portion. What I didn't contribute in salary, I contributed in blood, sweat and tears.
I know it's a very gray area and extremely hard to navigate.
It warms my heart that you realized that your stepmother loved and took care of your Dad.
It gives me hope!!
Thanks Again!!
Since they don't care about you, do not give them an opening for anything. You *tell* them what's what because it's *your* house.
Take advantage of having a little time to yourself and don’t feel badly about it!
As said, walk out of the room. Take what they say with a grain of salt. The worst they can do is call APS. APS will find the accusations false. You have Drs to back you up. You have his POA. The ball is in your court. If the question is asked "why did you tear the page out of his book". Just tell them that didn't happen. This is how Dementia works. Their reality is not our reality.
If you have never had a relationship with the steps, you probably won't now. You are the 2nd wife and may be seen as a threat to their inheritance and as POA they have no control. As said, you know you do a good job. Thats all that matters.
How about having an actual conversation with your step-children instead of assuming what they're thinking? The step-relationship is complicated even in the best of situations, but if you could manage a non-hostile conversation with your husband's children, you might gain some allies.
I know my mother had a tough time with knowing how to be helpful to her stepmother as my grandfather was dying, and as a result, she didn't get to spend much time with him in his last months. My step-grandmother was only five years older than my mom and had come into their lives just a decade before, so everyone was an adult when this marriage occurred. She was a nice lady, although she didn't fit in with the family terribly well, but everyone got along. Still, it was tough to know as an adult child where my mother stood. She loved her father, was still devastated by the death of her mother, and she felt she wasn't able to have a close relationship with her dad because there was a new wife in the picture.
Just talk to each other and try to stop imagining motives that likely aren't there. Assuming the worst of people is rarely useful, and remember, he is their father. Try to have some respect for that relationship.
I would ask one question. Were the step kids ever any different? Because I would be surprised if they were.
I would remove myself entirely during your visits so that you are not a party to "questioning looks". I would usher them in, welcome them warmly, ask if you can bring them a snack while they visit, and then take myself upstairs to watch Better Call Saul, Breaking Bad, or something else with a lot of murder and mayhem. Tell them to please knock on your bedroom door or text your cellphone when they are leaving. Wish them a wonderful good night and tell them you look forward to their next visit, and you know their Dad does as well.
Big SMILE as they exit the door. I know my lifelong experience has taught me one thing that is CERTAIN and set in STONE. Nothing bothers people of this ilk so much as returning kindness and bright smiles. They loathe it.
Have fun with it. In fact, have a ball with it, and when they leave you will have the next week to enjoy the sour looks on their faces as all their nastiness gets them nowhere.
Best to you.
(You could even say "You know, if you ever have ANY QUESTIONS, I will be THRILLED to answer them for you". It's called "passive-aggressive" but you leave the aggressive out. It will drive them nuts. It will be THEMSELVES after the beer.)
THERE! NO MORE REASON to be even the SLIGHTEST BIT DEFENSIVE!
It took me over a year of suffering to learn this, so I’m offering it to you right now so you can put it to use IMMEDIATELY.
”Interested and concerned parties” who show up a few times every several months are so, contribute little or nothing positive it lots and LOTS of meaningless criticism, then vanish, are not worth the air they breathe. FREE YOURSELF !
Be pleasant, uncommitted, and at peace when they’re there, forget them as soon as they leave.
In the meanwhile, you should suggest they read ALL they can get their hands on about dementia, what it looks like, feels like and sounds like, so they can pull their heads out of their buttocks and THANK you for the AMAZINGLY EXCELLENT job you're doing caring for their father while they're sitting around doing NOTHING but pointing fingers!
Armchair critics are The Worst Of All, aren't they? They need to walk a mile in YOUR shoes FIRST and THEN call to complain. They'll be kissing your feet and sending you 5 dozen roses as a small token of thanks for all you DO.
Doesn’t sound like they are close to their dad either.
If his children weren’t close with you before your husband’s decline then they can’t be expected to have a warm and fuzzy relationship with you now.
I am sure that they aren’t pleasant to be around.
Have you tried speaking to them about their dad’s situation?