My gran is never happy. I think it’s because she is aware of many things she can’t do.
If we do something nice for her she will always find a reason to get upset.
She spends most of the day staring out the window and thinking about how terrible her life is. I know dementia is hard but she has a loving family who try to do the best they can for her. She always has company and any help she needs...
1. Women live longer than men
2. Very old women gave up their lives to be housewives. Staying home insulated them from the cares and stresses of daily life so they live longer.
3. Women with no skills other than home care and who become long-lived filled their psyches with their own importance, narcissism.
3a. Women from this age group never questioned that their daughters would take them in. They never realized their daughters would become professionals.
4. We are at the tail end of those aged, dependent, narcissistic women.
5. We shall have to see if old professional women face waning years with better attitudes.
My mom died at 95. She never drove, worked, banked, or paid bills. Think about it —she never left the house alone, all of her life. NEVER. The last years of her life were brutal. All of her life she had consoled herself with how special she was. When I placed her in a lovely memory care facility, every visit was about how much better (or smarter or prettier or richer) she was compared to everybody else there. Visiting her was agony, not because she was ill or in pain, but because she was bitter and mean.
I am glad your gran has a loving family. She might be depressed and should see her doctor, perhaps a little medication might help.
Why don't you ask her sometime what she is thinking about?
My own opinion based on my own experience is, by the time people reach their 60's or so, they have experienced major losses, and life is hard as we age anyway. But, after losing much of our "nuclear" family, the beloved parents and maybe sibs, and perhaps losing a spouse of 50 or more years, life is very painful, sad and lonely.
Ask her from time to time what is she thinking about? You may even get blessed by hearing stories out of the past! I love hearing about a person's history, especially from an older family member, although, in my case now, I am that older family member! 😆
But, I have older friends and I ask them to "tell me bout the 'good, 'ol days'"! I love to re-live their memories with them....I've even written down a dear friend's memory so to add it to my own writings, all to be passed down....so future family members can read and think about them.
Encourage her to share her memories....you'll be surprised and amazed at things and events others before you have experienced! Try it! I'll bet you'll like it!
Also, having faith in Jesus Christ makes a world of difference....because learning about God via the Bible, and trusting one's soul to Him removes all doubts and fears about dying, death, and where we'll spend eternity. "We don't trust in Christ for the smooth flight. We trust in Christ for the Safe Landing!" ---Ray Comfort---
May all of you be blessed by our Lord, and to all here, Shalom! 💜🕊💜
You know what’s cruel? Letting someone suffer just so you can pride yourself on what a great person you are by refusing to even consider a med that can help them. THAT is minimizing!
It’s attitudes like yours that keep people suffering when they don’t have to. Dementia, Alzheimers, depression, anxiety are all diseases. Only a fool would refuse available treatments for them. It’s like telling a cancer patient to just suck it up and deal with it.
We took her out for her birthday once. Middle of dinner my mom asked her how she liked everything. She frowned and said, “I don’t care for it.” Okay then, sorry we tried to give you a good birthday.
We tried for years to get her to take a mild antidepressant or calming meds. She would never hear of it, yelling how they would make her addicted, doped up, or ‘crazy’. She was afraid of any medication and would take half the dose of anything prescribed to her (even antibiotics) because she was afraid she would overdose and die from the prescribed amount. A relative who is a nurse practitioner explained how meds work and they were safe to take. Nope, grandmother wanted to tough everything out.
It’s sad that she spent her whole life angry, afraid, and depressed, when it never had to be that way. She suffered so much, needlessly. Meds can work wonders when taken properly.
She has options other than misery but she refuses to even try.
Ativan.
My Mom used to do word find puzzles too. I like the suggestion of asking her to clip coupons or any household task. It's all about them reminiscing about the past and distracting them from their feelings of isolation and lack of independence. You can only do so much - but whatever distraction you can make that brings her back to herself is a win.
loving her. My mom was like that. We had a birthday party for her and she did not appreciate it, but then she never was a “people person”.
When it was over she said, “ I never want to do that again,” as we took her back to the nursing home.
In addition to helping her as needed, are there any tasks she can f2f do to feel she had a reason to "be hete?, ". Some of our posters write about having their LO fold towels or match socks. Perhaps there are some household tasks that can be modified to her abilities which would help her feel useful.
You didn't mention how old she was but some people, especially after losing their spouse are ready to go and no longer want to live.
Ask your Gran what she would like to do or at least give her a clue choices.
Remember it isn't fun to start forgetting everything.
Maybe she'd like to make an album with pictures of her growing up or pictures of her and her family.
Maybe her just staring out the window is kind of like people day dreaming and you're just taking it like she's unhappy?
Prayers for Gran
I feel for you so much because I know you want her to be happy. I think that depending on the dementia, it changes a part of the brain that can deal with happiness. I try to get a good belly laugh out of her each time I'm there. Mostly over sayings that they used when they were younger. Once I had my shoes off and she said " put your shoes on Lucy, don't you know your in the big city"! It cracks me up and then cracks her up. I think laughter is the best medicine! Try and ask her about her younger self and the things she did and the sayings they used. Try once because I know it could backfire and make her more unhappy that she can't do those things anymore. I wish you all the best and know that you are not alone!!
I walked my mom every single day for 5 years in the park and it did wonders for her. When it was rainy I took her to an enclosed parking lot and we walked there.
Of her 15 years of Alzheimer's she never was on any kind of psychotropic or narcotic, and the complications of her long-term insulin dependent diabetes killed her (chronic kidney and liver diseases). Still she managed to live to be 90 years, 3 months. She also had high cholesterol due to her diabetes despite the sugars being well managed--I could not treat it because of chronic liver disease. Cholesterol medications would have tore up her liver, and she could not communicate if she were having side effects from statins. So despite doctors trying to push statins on her I refused them for her because of her liver problems.
I think exercise made a big difference and she was bedridden for the last 2-1/2 months of her life, because she literally forgot how to walk and could no longer focus on that task of standing.
I sacrificed my life for her. But she was my mom and I love her dearly...not even death can take my love for her away but I grieve her loss everyday and it's been nearly 2 years without her. I ADAPTED...because we ALL die. So I came to terms with it...but I still miss her very very badly. Still if she were alive her brain would have been 100% gone from Alzheimer's. The last months of her life I had to use a feeding tube to keep her from dehydrating to death which can take weeks. Still, she died very comfortably and hospice came over daily to make sure she was comfortable and she was -- and we never did have to use that "comfort pack". She had the most peaceful death you can ever imagine and her family surrounded her in the end. She was surrounded with love to the end.
Everybody commented how great her skin looked. Not one mark.
Try taking her for walks everyday in the park. Do it daily. If she needs a walker, then use a walker. I always told my mom "this is the most important medication you will ever have--daily walks". I treated walking like a medication. Keep up a daily routine. I also took her out to the stores as long as I could (that was before COVID). If you need a wheelchair, use a wheelchair. Keep her going as long as you can.
My mom was diagnosed with mild dementia. She is exactly the same way. Her neighbor said there is medication to help? Her geriatric doctor did not suggest anything. They just seemed like this is just what it is. She is 96
but up until last year was sharp as a tack...