My mom is 90 with mid-range dementia living in MC. She remembers the family, even new members, still verbal but choose to not engage in much in her community. Dad is 92, lives in same facility in AL. Showing very early signs of dementia, uses a walker, very frail - eats very little and very little physical activity, recently put on oxygen. He visits mom each evening. Since January he has had 3 bouts of pneumonia. He is now in the hospital for the second time in a month with the pneumonia and early heart failure - no heart issues previously. I'm afraid this is probably the beginning of the end - the cycle of hospital stays and resulting decline - he just doesn't have much left in the tank.
Until 6 months ago they lived in IL together with a 3x week caregiving helping with mom. Dad and I handled the rest. Mom was obsessed with where dad was even if he was sitting right next to her. Now she seldom asks for him unless you bring him up or she's just seen him but it took her several months to adjust. She does like seeing him and does not understand that they live separately. But once he's gone she forgets about it and it doesn't seem to bother her.
Here's my question - what do I tell mom about dad's health. Do I prepare her for his passing. Do I take her to see him in the hospital and/or SNF when he gets released. I'm just afraid that one night he will pass and she'll have no warning or reference to grasp it.
I know a lot of people will say she won't remember or understand the decline but she does seem to retain changes in family conditions. For example her grandson, who doesn't live close by, is in the process of getting engaged and after being told twice and shown the ring, she has been able to retain that information and the girl's name, etc.
That's your answer right there. Mom is to the point in her dementia where she's not bothered when dad is gone. So don't take her to visit him in the hospital, no way. That would be applying your rules of normalcy to HER. She lives in her own world now, which YOU have to enter into. It's a world that requires comfort and no anxiety whenever possible. If and when mom asks about dad, then you tell her he's sick with a cold and cannot visit. When he passes, you can tell her. My aunt had advanced Alzheimer's when her husband passed and the children insisted on taking her to his service at the cemetery. She sat there like a zombie, not understanding what was going on. Same with my mother when dad died, and her dementia wasn't too advanced at the time. She just sat there dry eyed and looking around. I'm not sure WHAT she got out of the funeral, if anything. They just aren't able to process information like we expect them to.
Sending you a prayer for peace in the midst of all of this.
I would NEVER bring up the subject of "Dad".
If SHE does I would be honest. But short and sweet unless she asks for more. ie "he's in hospital with that nasty cold again" or some such.
If he dies you will have to tell her.
Don't expect her not to react. If someone told you your husband died, would YOU not react? Reaction is the normal thing. I see far too many "children" now taking on responsibility that the parent be "happy all the time". That's not life and never WAS their lives. Life is full of grief and reacting to that grief and loss. You didn't do it. You aren't responsible. It is yet another awful loss which she will handle however she handles it (can't be predicted.)
So I would say to approach it with honesty but don't elaborate unless she wishes it. If she does go into a period of mourning help her with making scrapbooks of their lives together or some such to celebrate their years and their love. They have made it a long long, long journey, worthy of grief and worthy of celebration.
If she's at the point where it's out of sight out of mind and she does not ask about him, leave well enough alone.
Should she ask for him, tell her that he's in the hospital and you're waiting on when he can be released.
I will say that if I were your mom suffering from memory issues and my dear husband had passed, I would not want to know. I'd want to be left in my own world where he still lives somewhere.
I would also tell the staff not to say anything about dad to her.
IF she asks tell her he is not feeling well.
If she asks to see him you can honestly tell her he is in the hospital.
or If she asks to see him you can tell her he is in his apartment but still not feeling well and because of the pneumonia the doctors have said no visitors.
I don’t think that I would tell your mom anything just yet. It may cause her to have anxiety and make things worse for her.
Shortly after my mother was placed in her ‘end of life’ hospice care home, my husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer. I kept this information from my her because it would have upset her terribly. I wanted her to be at peace.
If you do feel that it’s important to tell your mom about your dad, wait until you know something for sure.
Wishing you peace as you navigate through this difficult time.
She was sad when he died, but she never shed a tear, and this was a woman who'd break down at the ending credits of a movie when the music swelled up.
Dementia had robbed her of her emotions, and she had completely forgotten my dad -- her husband of 66 years -- within two months of his death.
Honestly, you need to make the call because you know her best, but I'd treat your mom like you would a young child by not getting into a lot of details.
Dad is sick, she probably doesn't need to visit in the hospital (unless Dad would like to have her come), and if he dies, tell her gently and lovingly, but don't expect a normal reaction. She may kind of shrug it off. My mother was more excited about me taking her to find a blouse to wear to Dad's funeral than she was upset about him dying.
The whole experience was surreal, so don't expect normal here -- you won't find it.
But 'Don't expect a normal reaction' is very good advice for others & for myself too.
I've noticed this lack of empathy & lack/change of emotions for a while.
I am realising it will take another kind of strength to deal with that chapter.
Mom was obsessed with where dad was even if he was sitting right next to her.
Now she seldom asks for him unless you bring him up or she's just seen him but it took her several months to adjust.
If she doesn't ask, don't remind her / say anything. What good would that do (for her). It will / could agitate her. You want to keep her calm.
She does like seeing him and does not understand that they live separately. But once he's gone she forgets about it and it doesn't seem to bother her.
As she 'forgets' this is your answer: it doesn't seem to bother her.
Why upset the apple cart? Perhaps I do not understand your reasoning to bring up a sensitive topic / important relationship that she forgets about).
What do I tell mom about dad's health.
Nothing.
Do I prepare her for his passing.
No, there is no preparing when someone has dementia / forgets as she is doing.
There is 'no reason' to consider 'preparing' as this isn't possible due to memory loss / dementia.
Do I take her to see him in the hospital and/or SNF when he gets released.
Absolutely not. Do not trigger memories, confusion, sadness. There is no reason to do this (to her). Why would you consider? I know you mean well, I just do not understand your reasoning.
I'm just afraid that one night he will pass and she'll have no warning or reference to grasp it.
She isn't grasping now. If she asks for him - at any time - tell her he's taking a nap (and will see you later or tomorrow... she'll forget) or something like that. Don't go into any long story.
Those of us of sound mind have difficulty grasping the reality of death / grief. That she is there now - forgetting, confused ... it is a gift in disguise really. The more that she forgets, the calmer she will be in present time.
You want to keep her (refer to) in PRESENT time.
Do not ask her questions that require her to think about the past, i.e., remember something that she can't remember/ recall.
Do google Teepa Snow and watch her You Tubes about how to communicate to an elder parent with memory loss. Reviewand/or buy one (or more) of her books / materials. I did her webinars for close to two years. Excellent training / education.
It is a difficult siutation and most family members learn as they go. It is a lot to learn in a very short time (it IS learning a new language).
No one is really prepared for these sitations unless specifically in the field / trained / understanding byworking with a person with memory loss-dementia.
Gena / Touch Matters
It seems that Mom is doing brilliantly at Living
in the Moment.
It serves her well. The less worry we all feel, the better
for us all!
When he dies, which you are saying may be in the near future, you can tell her that Dad was sick for X weeks/months and finally died. Express sympathy and empathy, even if she doesn't show much emotion. You can't change the reality of the situation, but you can show respect and kindness to both of them.
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