Shadow23 Asked May 2023
Do I tell our adult kids?
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Wife is likely mid stage vascular dementia. Has ok days and not so good days. She wanted me to promise not to tell the kids until we knew for sure. We now know but she does not want to tell. In the meantime she has mean bouts toward me and recently with a son. Do I tell our kids despite my promise?
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Making “promises” to someone with a condition that is progressively causing cognition loss is unfair to your wife AND to you and her children.
Your wife does not need to tell, nor will she benefit if you don’t tell them. If you are more comfortable waiting a while longer you could tell them that you’re trying to get a grip on why Mom has occasional outbursts, and you’ll let them know when you have more information.
Tough stuff. Wishing you the very best while dealing with it. PLEASE keep in mind that she’s losing what made her the woman you loved, and at some perhaps distorted level, she’s grieving your loss too.
SHE’S not abusing you. It’s the new person she’s becoming.
You'll need to let your kids know, but your wife doesn't need to be informed of that. It's important to reach out to family and to various resources along the way as a support. There are support groups specifically for this as well that can also provide more information and knowledge.
Wishing you much strength and clarity ...and I hope you also take good care of yourself.
You will have to tell your wife that she is currently having changes that her children won't understand without explanation, and that it is their right as grown children to know what is happening to their parents, and what they may have to help with in future.
Will she react well to your telling her this? Perhaps not. But her children have a right, imho, to know this. Knowing will increase their ability to understand daily interactions now; to me with vascular dementia, that is a must.
So you promised not to tell until there is a diagnosis. You kept that promise. Now you have the dx. They should be told. Even if you made a promise not to, it is time to tell your wife that you have reconsidered and have decided that the children have a right to know. Include her in the discussion. Tell her your plans first. Then do it.
I am so sorry you are both faced with this diagnosis and I wish you the best of luck. I don't really believe in lies and withholding something this crucial to the relationship of the mom to her children is a lie of a sort that can have bad repercussions.
I don't think "family secrets" benefit anyone, promise or no promise. It will just cause hard and hurt feelings down the road.
Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy.
My late husband was diagnosed with vascular dementia in July of 2018, even though he was showing signs a good year before, and he died Sept. 2020.
I told both my children, as they deserved to know not only what their stepfather was going through but also what their mom was going through.
I wish you well in using your discernment in this situation.
You have already gotten good advice. I would tell your children.
As difficult as this will be they deserve a chance to prepare themselves for what is coming and help both of you through the difficult times ahead.
There's really no good reason not to tell them. Your wife is upset, so tell them that, too, but they absolutely should know, especially if yours is a close family.
I am sure your children will be terribly upset about their mother’s situation. How do you suppose they will handle their mother not wanting to share the news?
How are you doing? I read in your profile that you have been married for 50 plus years.
Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.
But I could see.
Maybe tell them so they r aware but keep it under their hats.
Some of the reasons why I think you need to tell them is that you need emotional support now and perhaps in the future when you will not be feeling so well. You may also need their help in determining her future. As someone else pointed out, do not promise that you will keep her home or that you will take care of her all the time. Use the word manage, meaning you will oversee, however, not necessarily be physically present.
Most of all, don’t use the word crazy or irrational. Those types of words just make the person fearful and more argumentative.
If your wife asks whether you told the kids, be truthful and say yes. Point out that you promised to tell the kids when you know for sure, and now you know for sure.
I try very hard not to use therapeutic fibs. I believe that telling the truth is very important as it builds consistency and trust, something that a person who is losing their memory really needs during these times. Please choose words that respect the truth and do not alarm. This can be very hard to do depending upon the person you are. Consistency and truth are much easier to keep up as she goes through her diminishing memory cycles.
Also remember the behavior and compassion you show now, is teaching your children how to behave toward you when you will not be in good health.
Use this time as a teaching experience for your children and their children and all the people you interface with.
Best wishes for the journey ahead.
You do not want to cheat your kids out of this time - which is a gift - to them - to everyone. Once this 'window of (time) opportunity is gone - it is gone forever.
Perhaps tell your kids and INSTRUCT THEM NOT TO MENTION (the disease/condition) to your wife / their mother that they know.
* In this way, your wife FEELS 'better' believing what she wants / believing what the truth is...
AND
* Your / her children have quality time with her 'while they can.'
This is a 'win-win' situation to me.
"Truth is subjective - when it has to do with changing brain chemistry - and must include a component of compassion."
Gena / Touch Matters
I imagine your wife doesn’t want her kids to see her as weak, but this isn’t weakness, this disease is completely out of her control. As parents we want to be strong for our kids and let them know we will always be there for them. However, there does come a time when it is time to give back to our parents.
She may want to tell them on her own terms and I would support that as long as you can. But ultimately not sharing medical things with your kids almost makes it worse when you find out that not only are they sick but they have known for x number of time and kept it from you.
Hope this helps.
For one thing, it's going to become VERY evident something is wrong with mom. They deserve to know and act accordingly.
My DH had HCV and it caused him to develop liver cancer. Our kids had all been told when they were 'of age' (between 16-18) that their dad had HCV and how it was impacting our lives. Also, so they wouldn't shave with his razor or use his toothbrush, or be sure to let ME handle any cuts, scrapes, etc. None of us contracted it from him.
When he was dxed with cancer, he didn't want the kids to know. Well, initially we thought it was a death sentence and I wanted the kids (who were ALL adults by this time) to know so they could support us both, emotionally.
4/5 handled the news well and they were so supportive. To this day, I am so grateful. The '1' just sat and cried and kind of fell apart. She got better and eventually was able to deal with the stress (and believe me, waiting for the 'right' organ is brutal, as he was actively dying.)
DH had a successful liver transplant 9 months after the dx of cancer. We both NEEDED the kids' support.
He was emotionally very depressed, post surgery and it was important that he had a good villaage of people to support him and to be with him when I was crashing and burning.
When I was dxed with NHL, I did all the tests required and then told the kids. Again, all adults. They didn't have to DO anything for me, but be there.
A burden shared is a blessing. You cannot carry it all on your own.
My mom was dying in hospice when he was diagnosed and we decided that she didn’t need to be burdened with knowing that he was going through cancer treatments.
One day, my husband caught me crying and asked me what was wrong. I told him that I respected his decision not to say anything to anyone but that it was really hard for me not to be able to discuss my feelings with anyone other than our children.
He saw that I was hurting and said that he understood that I needed support from my friends. My friends who had spouses who went through their own health issues were a great comfort to me.
Some people are private people and they don’t want to be treated any differently than they were before. They don’t want anyone to feel sorry for them. Plus, they may need time to process the information before sharing it with others.
I think it’s always best to look at the entire picture, process the situation ourselves, then decide what is best overall. Some people certainly deserve to know and others we may want to spare their few, such as my mother who was dying.
Others may be such worry warts that they would drive a person nuts if they knew what was going on. So, I feel like it’s fine to be selective in who we tell and when we say anything.
The same thing happens when a woman is struggling with infertility. We don’t want to share that we are pregnant until our pregnancy is farther along. It becomes too hard and sometimes it is easier to process our emotions privately.
People, even though they are well meaning, sometimes say foolish remarks that are hurtful. It’s easier to avoid saying anything to certain people.
The kids need to know. They can do their own reading/research so they have a better understanding of how the disease progresses. One or more may step in to be available to help you more -or- maybe not. Some don't get involved because everyone has their own level of being a caretaker. Some can't watch a loved one in decline. You need to know up front what kind of participation you will get from them. Don't be angered if they don't help or remain in denial, you're going to need all the strength you can muster without carrying feelings of anger toward others. Bless you and the family on this journey.