Mom (88) fell and broke her femur in Feb. and is in rehab. Dad (95) had a stroke 6 yrs ago now can't take care of himself and mom can't either any longer. Dad has been staying with me and my husband but is too much. Dad can't be left alone and hollers almost constantly, so I decided to put dad in with mom long term, now I just feel horrible. I know I'm not capable of taking care of both of them. I've basically been doing it for 10yrs anyway. They live next door and I've been driving them and doing everything for them already, even though they have hospice and a care taker that's only a few hours a week. Me and my husband who also works full time, do everything else. We were going to move them in with us and started modifying our home to accommodate, but then mom fell and broke her leg. Dad has been here while we have been under construction, and it's been a chaotic mess. I and my husband are exhausted, we never get a break more than a few hours here and there. I got dad into the same facility with mom, but because of this stupid covid (I'm sorry but it's a bs) dad has to quarantine for 14days. We can visit mom outside they can hug and kiss, but when he goes in they will be separated and he will be alone for 14 days. It's crazy and stupid. I'm terrified he will die in quarantine from loneliness and heartbreak. He gets very scared if left alone too long. And now that I've got it all worked and he goes in tomorrow, I feel horrible. I feel like a terrible daughter. I'm 60yrs old and my blood pressure is through the roof over all of this. Everyone keeps telling me it's the right thing to do, but it doesn't help. I haven't slept in days because this whole thing has me so stressed out. I love them, and feel like I'm throwing them away. But I am so worn out, I would love to just have a few days of quiet, to be able to use the bathroom without dad hollering none stop because he doesn't know where I'm at even though I tell him. It's crazy. And Mom makes me feel guilty like that's exactly what I'm doing. Oh wish this stupid covid scare would end. So we can visit more. So stupid. Angry, sad and hurt.
The stress and anxiety you describe indicate that you made the right decision for your parents for yourself. You need this as much as they do, and that's okay to admit to yourself. You guys are a family, and in a family, everyone is important. Just because they're getting older doesn't mean your needs suddenly disappear or are irrelevant. You've taken wonderful care of them.
People in their conditions can adjust to changes, even big ones. It takes a much longer time, but they can get used to their new surroundings. As well as you have done for the last 10 years, it sounds like your dad really needs professional care now, and that is what you have provided for him. You are meeting his needs by hiring professionals just as much as you did for all those years when he was with you. The only difference is, his needs have changed, not your willingness to help him or your love for your parents.
I get why some see precautions as excessive. I’m sick of it too! So I wear a mask and got the vaccine to do my part in getting this stupid virus under control.
I often read here that folks think their loved ones will die quickly if admitted to a facility. I think that is a false belief.
Certainly, if a family waits until their elder is very ill, or the elder is admitted after risky surgery and succumbs from the effects of that, you can see why the statistics often show that old people don't live very long in these facilities.
My own experience was quite different. My mom, age 90, was admitted to LTC after a stroke and broken hip that was surgically repaired. She lived, pretty contentedly, for another 4 1/2 _years and got to meet 2 more great grandchildren. We held raucous holiday parties in the facility's community room and mom was able to go back to her room to rest when she'd enough of the clamor.
She got excellent care from the staff; they so often noticed a UTI or pneumonia brewing before there were any real symptoms. And mom SO benefitted from the fact that there was a geriatric psychiatrist on staff who was able to get mom on the right cocktail of antidepressant and antianxiety meds so that she wasn't writhing with dread and fear all the time.
I would encourage you to give this a 2 week trial; get your rest and clarity back and see if at that time, dad hasn't adjusted and you are content to go back to being a loving daughter who visits and advocates for your parents.
You did the right thing.
And tell your mother to do the same. And let the trained staff reassure and support your father.
I don't just think this is right, I think the decision you have made is *best.* It's the getting to it that's the bummer.
Moving dad and mom in together will be best for both of them, and for you. You'll be of much better use to them when you've had sleep and time to clear your heads.
14 days will go by quickly. Dad will have to adjust--it just is what it is.
COVID is real, and is a horrible thing to have as an elder and a horrible death. It HAS been over-politicized and that makes me angry, but I can't change it.
Our elders will adapt better than we think they will. I find that, with mother, if I don't 'catastrophize' a situation, she does better. She will worry herself sick about something small (her world is pretty small) and it usually doesn't even come to pass.
You MUST take care of yourself. If your folks are like my mom, they'll dump all their worries on the kids and then fuss, fuss, fuss over small stuff. Or we do it to ourselves..I don't know which is worse!
Anyway thank you all so very much for the replies. God bless you all. And seriously so very sorry for any loss anyone has suffered.
I could go on and on about how i wrote notes and explained how to take care of my dad, but they did not care or even try on the first hall they were on, the next hall the male med tech was awesome, but but then the damage was already done. Very difficult for a 95 yr. Old with copd and asthma to come back from pneumonia. He walked in and a month later was carried out in a bag. I am pretty angry, at them and myself. I was stupid to think it was a good thing to do. Thought they would be better equipped and could care for both of them better. Hah! What a joke these places are. I saw one poor old guy eating off the floor while the nurse that was spose to be watching slept i had to try to wake her up, then went to help the guy myself just for her to then wake up and start hollering at me that i couldnt mess with the other residents. So i basically told her to do her job then. So 2 separate nursing homes 2 bad experiences. I pray i never end up in one, found out last week i have a cousin that worked in one for awhile in another state, and she agreed they are all horrible, there are some good people in them but the abuse and neglect out weigh the good usually.
So will be having a memorial for dad when i can get mom out. Sure miss dad knew he didn't have a lot of time left but wish it could have been easier and kinder. It was a death sentence for him. I made the wrong choice. And know i have to live with it. Breaks my heart. Now i am watching every move, also the nanny cam has audio, and i dont hesitate to let them know. I hear, and can respond. Probably shouldnt say this, but i am.
Really overweight lazy people should not work as caregivers or nurses. Its rediculous. Ok my rant is over, im just sad and angry. Bye.
PS. Still zero rest, in fact its worse now.