I reposted the question because I asked it in reply to my other thread but got no responses. I may not get any now, but at least I’ll know it wasn’t buried in my previous post. It is strange how she has survived these initial five days. It is as if the intense mental pain has cut through the fog of dementia and bipolar disorder, and she has moments of clarity that I have not seen in years. She and my father were married for 67 years. I am concerned about her surviving the funeral. I will be contacting her psychiatrist to see if he could prescribe her something for that day, but we don’t want her over-medicated. She already takes some powerful medications for her bipolar disorder. She is in a wheelchair, (two person assist), incontinent, and on oxygen also.
Mother has dementia, used a walker at the time, and was in so-so health 4 years ago when dad passed. I made sure she took a Xanax before we left.
Mother was fine, as it turned out. She held court with family and friends who were there to pay their respects. She didn't even need a tissue as I struggled through the tear jerker eulogy which left me feeling like a basket case. She smiled and thanked everybody for being there.
At the reception afterward at the Assisted Living community, she again remained composed even when a flower arrangement was delivered with a card signed by .......her deceased husband, my father. I thought I was going to literally have a heart attack when I saw that card. It turned out to be from my stupid uncle, dad's brother, I found out much later on, who thought it would be a touching gesture!
I didn't see her shed a tear the entire day, and she was no worse for the wear for attending the funeral, as it turned out. Personally, I think she was happy to be rid of him, but who knows?
It's hard to gauge how your mother will cope. If she wants to go, use your best judgment to decide if she's up for it. She may surprise you.
My condolences on the loss of your father. Best of luck
I am sorry for the loss of your dad.
May God grant you grieving mercies and wisdom during this difficult time.
I framed the memorial card and obituary from dad's funeral and hung it in mom's bedroom thinking that would be a reminder-- didn't help at all.
All I can suggest is pack your patience and be prepared for almost anything during and after the funeral.
As for the funeral, it depends on your mother's current memory status, I think. Is she cognizant that her husband has died? Does she spontaneously bring up the fact that he died? If those answers are "no," perhaps you shouldn't take her. Funerals are for the living to satisfy their need to say goodbye, to be comforted and comfort others. To hear what their loved one meant to others and to honor that person. If she's not independently remembering his death, this is not a need she needs to fulfill. Especially if it's an open casket, she could be upset by seeing him there and not understanding.
My sister can't remember something for 5 minutes. She will call me every five minutes for a half hour and never have a clue we've already talked. So if she was at the funeral of a loved one and couldn't remember that they died, she would relive the moment of learning of their death every five minutes. That wouldn't benefit anyone.
If she's aware of what has happened and has "survived" the last five days without issue, I wouldn't worry too much about taking her to the funeral. Have a plan in place for her to be taken home if she becomes upset or confused. There's no point in her suffering through that. It's also important that YOU are able to properly grief for your father without focusing all your attention on your mother. I wouldn't institute a new medication because we never know how they will respond to it.
My sister often asks me if our mother or father are alive, or comment that she doesn't understand why her parents won't help her (both deceased since early 2000s), or she thinks her deceased husband (since 1998) is going to be upset when he finds out her kids have moved her from Ohio to Florida. If ANY of our family members died right now, I would not involve her in a funeral. There just wouldn't be any point as she's not capable of remembering and would simply relive their death over and over.
Best wishes on making your choices. There's no easy answer with this rotten disease. I'm sorry you have to deal with it in additional to everything else.
A quick consult from the doc wouldn't go amiss. And having plenty of helpers to move her around. Cemeteries have notoriously bumpy grass and pushing a wheelchair is daunting.
We don't know your mom's behavior or mental health status. You do. Just make the best decision you can.
My mother was strangely flatlined when daddy died. Of course she was 16years younger and able to walk. I know she had to take something to keep her calm, sheesh, so did I.
Try to keep the services short--funerals and gravesides are often way too long and just leave the mourners wrung out. That doesn't help the situation when you are also dealing with mental illness.
I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you get through the day with peace, if possible.
OP I guess if you have family or friends or can hire caregivers that can help you get your mom in and out of the car and help with the toileting issues, you should try to take her. But I definitely wouldn’t do it without help.
It depends on your moms level of dementia.
Is she going to remember that he is dead in a day or a week?
Is she going to be so stressed out at the Funeral that she herself will need medical aid? (Not talking about the anti anxiety medications but heart and breathing?)
How well does she do with long spans away from her Facility? Will she be able to handle 4, 5, or more hours away from her "routine"?
If she can not handle the length of time for the Funeral maybe just the Wake and for a short period of time at that?
I doubt that anyone would question if she is not there, other than to ask about her and how she is doing. If anyone says anything else you can show them the door!
If you want to take her I would suggest that the people that are "in charge" of her be ready to leave at any given moment and either return her to her "home" or arrange to meet later if you plan on a lunch after the service. If this is something that she would want to do.
No matter what you decide it is going to be done with the very best of intentions and no one, even you, should question if what you are doing is the "right" thing.
Why put more stress and anxiety on an already stressful situation.
I am sorry for your loss
Over the past six days she has demonstrated that she is very aware that he has died but is functioning, interacting, and eating a little. She even asked me tonight when the funeral would be. I’m telling you, I haven’t seen my mother so lucid in years. There are tearful breakdowns from time to time which is normal, and I told her tonight that I was proud of her. A wonderful moment happened yesterday. As my sister was leaving, she gave me a big hug but stopped to talk a few more minutes. I saw my mother watching her as she talked, then said to her, “Where’s my sugar?”. My sister leaned down and gave her a big, noisy kiss and hug and I heard my mother giggle. It was music to my soul.
She has had her hair and nails done and has a new outfit. I know the funeral will be difficult for her and I welcome your prayers for that day on Friday. Thank you for reminding me to allow myself to feel my own grief also.
It sounds like it's going to work out just fine. Funerals are hard on everyone, but sometimes I've found that older folks seem to be able to accept death more matter-of-factly than those younger. Even at this difficult time, I'm so pleased for you that you're getting some sweet moments with your real mother, not the shadow of herself this evil disease causes her to be. Hold on to those little blessings.
Best wishes to you and your family for a day to share your love and grief.
Sue
So sorry for your loss, I hope the day goes smoothly and you get a little break to grieve yourself.