Does anyone know why the "whipping post/scapegoat" child so often becomes the narcissist's caregiver? Even when they do not get on as well?

I've read a lot of posts from people in your situation and here's my take on it:

Your mother moved near you because you are the one she has designated throughout life to be the slave to her needs. The golden child is above all of that, your needs and desires are the very last in the family hierarchy.
When the abused child becomes a caregiver it is because they have been conditioned to appease, to avoid conflict, to place themselves last and have never had therapy to understand differently. Somewhere down inside there is still a desperate child longing to finally win the love and respect of the narc parent.

You answered your own question. Your husband is humble. Narcissistic people pick out humble, empathetic people because no one else will put up with them. Read Boundaries by Henry Cloud.

I think you nailed it - Brother may have disobeyed her or she sensed he was about to, so time to find a new golden one: your dear Husband.

If your DH upsets her, Brother may regain his golden shine overnight.

I don't suppose you could move?

Plus what others have already posted, there is also the generational belief that daughters are often (usually!) the ones who are supposed to be the parent's caregiver.

I am having therapy now, actually, but still can't do much about the fact that my mother lives a few minutes away! We don't want to move, as we came here to 'enjoy our retirement (!)', and in all other respects it's a great place to be. I have read a lot on narcissistic mother-daughter relationships and now accept that I will never 'win her love and respect', but that doesn't alter the fact that I have to deal with a husband who doesn't really understand why she makes me feel this way (even though I've explained it often enough) and with the social pressure to 'be a good daughter'.

Helenb, I too am the scapegoat/whipping post with my older sister 'golden child' doing nothing for our elderly parents. You ask why it happens? I think it is because we grew up putting our own needs secondary to our parent's needs. We made our parent the higher priority in our lives.
You have realized you are drained and exhausted. You also have realized your need for autonomy and space which you rightly deserve. Your mother's current needs seem to be somewhat minimal, but that may change. I suggest right now instilling very firm boundaries. Decide the frequency and duration of contact you can have with your mother. Decide how much "help" you are going to offer and how much you want your husband to participate. If your mother is like mine, she can drain the very life out of you and your husband and anyone else in your family you are willing to serve up to her. Read about boundaries and search youtube, because it literally saved my life. You and your husband deserve peace, and you are not responsible for the emotional and physical well-being of your parent.

Helen,
If you haven't already, do some research online about being the daughter of a narcissistic mother.
It's very eye opening!!
You sound like many of us.
The classic "over pleasers "!
God bless!

As the daughter of a Narc mother, the only thing that has saved me from sinking deeper and deeper into the emotional mess that I was becoming (or perhaps, did become for awhile) was to go grey rock with her.

She doesn't even notice. I did 8 months of cancer TX last year and she never called or inquired of anyone how I was. (sick, very, very sick).

When I went to see her, after chemo was over and I had just begun to grow some hair, her first words to me were "Oh, and you used to be so pretty". What a backhanded compliment.

Last week was her 90th birthday. My YS asked us to write her a letter and include good memories and such that we had of growing up. I just. Couldn't.

So I gave her a generic card and called it good. I'm sure YS thinks I was being a prima donna, but I won't lie to mother and pretend I feel like everything is peachy. I wasn't mean, I never AM, but I also do not have to kowtow to her.

I need peace--for myself to heal from a horrible year of being sick, and for my own self protection.

Sad for Y with whom mother lives. My SIL says she and YB fight all the time and he gets really, really angry. They both wish they'd never moved her into their home. 22 years now.

I remain a classic 'overpleaser'. But I choose whom I care for.

Yes, that and sexist expectations. I have been no contact with my cruel borderline personality mom & dysfunctional family many times during my life.

I often wonder if the golden child has inherited the personality disorder. I haven’t seen my brother up close during my life except for now while caregiving our parents. His behavior is like mom’s in many ways - including no conscience, lying, manipulative.

Because you agree to be the whipping post scape goat caregiver.

No is a complete sentence and is totally acceptable to say.

Sounds like you were groomed for this role by your mother. How did she treat your father? Like trash and he just took it. If that's the case, your husband may be meekly falling into that role. You and your husband need a counselor to help both of you become a team against her I wish you the best.

sorry, hit post answer twice

Let me tell you this: I distinctly remember being told OVER AND OVER again as a child that 'your mother is perfect. You never say anything bad about your mother, even if she is a drunken bum on the street. You tell everyone she is wonderful.' I was groomed from early childhood to idolize my mother and recognize how 'wonderful' and 'perfect' she was and to preach that word all over the world.

So I grew up feeling insecure. Imperfect. Never up to mother's standards. Always feeling the need to jump thru the fiery hoops to please the mother who would and could never BE pleased. To make mommy happy. To be the good girl who would make mommy proud. And that sort of brainwashing stays with a person throughout their life.

And, as an only child (lucky me), I was the only one around to take charge of my parents' lives as they aged and became ill. My dad was a great guy, but bullied and abused by my mother for 68 years. After he died 5 years ago next week, mother lost her main scapegoat and whipping post and turned all her anger and rage on ME.

So what I do is this: I set boundaries with my mother. I call her 6 evenings per week (she thinks I work full time, ha!) and my DH calls her the other day. We both go to visit her 1x per week for 20 minutes (it's a window visit right now at the Assisted Living Facility where she lives due to COVID19 restrictions) and that's it. I pay her bills, I run her life, I send emails make phone calls, arrange to have a tooth pulled, a doctor visit, order incontinence supplies, EVERYTHING. But on MY terms, from MY desk, at MY convenience. I make the rules and I stick to them like glue.

Otherwise, mother would invade what's left of my life with even MORE negative hostility, nastiness and BS in general.

Let your husband read these responses and then decide how to proceed with the situation accordingly.

I always wondered what happens if strong personality/demanding people had children that moved too far away? Now I know... they follow them!

Like others, firm boundaries is all I can think of. The nice high, concrete reinforced wall type.

The tricky thing is if Husband says yes when Helenb says no - or if every weekend Husband now has Mother's job list as priority #1. How absolutely infuriating!

I'm having a think on this...

On the practical side, what help does actually Mum need?

She's in AL. Is it a full service type place? Eg meals, washing, cleaning, hairdressing, podiatry, Doctor appointments all provided?

Bills paid online. Could order new clothing (smalls etc) online. Even shoes.

Can she taxi on own to other appointments she may need?

What sort of 'busy work' is she needing?

My relative described herself as *independant* but clearly was not. The disability service had funding to help *build capacity* but some things just won't be achievable. So I thought why am I stressing out & burning out doing all that? She needs a different long term solution & more helpers, not just me. I'm not good at saying no either but am getting better! Each 'task' I asked 'what are you going to do about that?' Just keep asking her to solve her own problems.

If you suspect *capacity building* is achievable for your Mum to be more independant, you could put energy into that. But if not, deflect or delay her requests. Or outsource! You may find she says I'll just do it myself 😉

It's simple. They know they can push you around. It's an excellent time to make a list of the positive and negative aspects of your relationship. Be brutally honest. If you provide all the positivity and receive most of the negativity, don't be a caregiver. Let the favored child do it.

Helen, you don't "suggest" that she do more for herself. YOU say, "No mother, I cannot possibly do that any longer".

If she needs help, she hires help.

We DON'T owe our parents. They are adults and were responsible for planning their old age. Children are not a retirement plan.

Just because she lives close by does not mean you have to answer the phone.

Helen, you don't need a reason to say no. Or if you really need a reason " I'm under doctors orders to reduce my commitments".

If you are a member of a family that doesn't respect your right to your own time, you have no need to explain it to them.

I KNOW that it is hard to say no. Keep working at this in therapy.

And, a movie recommendation? Now, Voyager. Bette Davis. A wonderful tale about a woman who liberates herself from her tyrannical, narcissistic mother. And other things.

This is from poster Margaret McKen, from another post:

"Just say that you won’t be able to continue with the jobs, answer the phone with ‘Sorry I have to go’, don’t visit, and let actions speak rather than words. "

It sounds like your mother needs a higher level of care if she is expected to take out her own recycling. This was the case when my mom was in Independent Living.

My mother, living in this lovely place at 5k per month, would call us about ants in the kitchen and burned out light bulbs. "Call the desk mom" we'd say and change the subject.

If my mother ever became unpleasant with me, I would hang up.

Creating and maintaining boundaries are for the one getting their toes stepped on... not for the one who is stomping on toes. Decide what you will and will not do and let others know. Then, do not allow others to step over your boundaries. Townsend and Cloud have wonderful books on boundaries that I find helpful when dealing with my mom.

There are quite a few positives here:

Mum is not living in, Mum is not on the phone demanding to move in daily, Mum is not living in her car parked at your local grocery shop telling all you won't let her in (from a real post I kid you not!). Best of all, the golden guys, Brother & Husband know Mum's style & are not ganging up on you (as the 'girl') to be her #1 girl-everything.

Also on the good list is success breaking through Mum's 'only family will help me' mindset. With bad grace maybe, but accepted. I think it's a status thing. "My daughter will do it. (=she does what I say). "She does EVERYTHING for me". (=she loves me so much).

It's also a trust thing. Who can I trust? Daughter. Now she has to use her social skills to get others to work for her too. But using those social skills is better than losing them! Hearing loss & lack of social contact are two big risk factors for dementia. By accepting outside help she is actually reducing her dementia risk. Another good thing.

Sorry bit rambley... going to get coffee... your situation needs more than saying no more often I feel.

The child who allowed themselves to be treated last, or was always to blame if the day wasn't perfect, just because they could take the blame without holding a grudge, is the only person fit to continue that role. They call people who are selfish, self-absorbed, and back stabbing, liars, Narcissists now. I had a name for members of my family, it wasn't narcissist, I didn't know that name or it's meaning back then. I had a family full of deceivers, and deceiver's don't like truth, deceiver's use deception to get what they want, to make people believe the lies they tell, and when truth in the form of a family member is around, they can't deceive in your presence. Thus, the deceiver's begin spreading doubt about the family member who just is about truth and facts, they become friends with your friends, and that damn cell phone is the deceivers most important weapon. They take down any and everyone's phone number, they then can call, text and lie to your friends, family, hell anyone who will listen to them. As long as they can paint the person telling the truth as a drug addict, a drunk, bi-polar, just bad news or whatever they have to say to create doubt in the little minds of people who just don't use their own brains, the deceiver can do what they do best. My family was pretty normal for a while, but one sibling found out that deceiving allowed her to steal from Peter to pay Paul, borrow, as long as she rode her deceit and never allowed Truth to be taken seriously, she could continue. My family started to believe the lies, and little by little they began to deceive and play the game. Deceiver's don't like truth, they can't allow truth to be heard, and they have to keep it out of their lives. So, as you call yourself the Scapegoat, and many of us are, we just allow it, and go on helping and hoping that we will someday be given the credit we earned. That day may or may not come. You are programmed and raised to do for the very people who do not wish you well in life, but we the people who are given the task of caring for a parent in the time of their life when they can't do for themselves, are not going to take insults, arguing, bad mouthing, or just plain nasty behavior personal, as an end all to our caring for them. We won't be like your brother, I'm guessing, or my family, that couldn't fathom caring for our parents in any way other than to give them a ride to the store. Any one of my siblings would walk out and never look back, leaving my mother on the floor if she fell, in her soaked pajamas, unable to get out of her chair without being lifted to her feet, and hungry because the deceiver she asked to help her left her alone. The day my mother died, I didn't have a car, she was in a hospice and she wasn't supposed to be, they took her oxygen off of her, they took her heart medicine, diabetes, all her meds were taken from her, and she was given pain medicine and sleeping meds, only. My one sibling made that decision without my knowledge, I was deceived into believing that my mother was coming home, and just needed a day or two to get her oxygen up to an acceptable level. Two days without any oxygen, my mother passed away, and it states on the death certificate that she died due to lack of oxygen. I realized the extent my family would go to in thier deception was beyond anything I ever imagined. I also realized that these people who were wearing my sisters and brother's faces, were not my family, these people were heartless imposters who somehow took up my family's lives and gone were the siblings that I grew up with. In a way I guess I lost my mother, and my siblings all were dead to me as well. They can't do much more to me, killing my mother is not something I can ever get over, or forgive. It's just a bridge you can't cross. My brother told me that he was there and her only worry as she passed was for me, she wanted me. The imposters, the deceivers were left with the memory of my name spoken in the end

Because the Golden Child turns into another narcissist and they are definitely not going to be the one taking care of their parents.

If you haven't done so already, you really need to start working on boundaries. Getting therapy can help as well. Since you're academic, I'd suggest reading books on the impact of personality disorders on both the person having them and children of parents with personality disorders.

It is extremely typical for narcissists to sow division by splitting where in a pair of people, one is good and the other becomes the bad guy. Similarly, triangulated communication is another tool of manipulation to drive a wedge between the two of you. Do not allow your mother to do this. Get those boundaries to protect yourself and your marriage.

I found this video interesting. The information can be translated to any person or relationship involving a narcissist. Be aware if you watch it, it's really an overview for an online program. Which may be a great program, I may look into it further. I found it helpful anyway. One big takeaway being you can't change a narcissist, he/she will never see themselves as such. The changes come within us. Once they do, it's not as rewarding for the narcissist to play with us. Boundaries. https://youtu.be/FerdDjP0OCc

I saw this in the way my grandmother was with my mother and uncle. My mom was the scapegoat and my grandmother piled all the responsibilities and demands on her, then complained that she wasn’t good enough. When my uncle came around, my grandmother pretended everything was fine and that she didn’t need any help from him. She would act so sick, pitiful and helpless for us, like she was on her deathbed, then would perk up and be the life of the party if my uncle came over. Like a miracle occurred!
I think it was that part of being the golden child is that they should never be asked to do anything, their very existence is enough. Whereas the scapegoat must be constantly doing to prove their worth.
I am an only child so I am almost always the scapegoat but on rare occasions the golden child. But even when I am the scapegoat—which now means I am abusing and stealing from her—I am expected to provide constant care and attention. Fortunately she is in MC now so I do I have to provide much at all, and can end the visit (FaceTime) when the accusations get too bad. Since your mom is in AL, I expect that a lot of her care is being provided and you can direct her back to the facility for some of her demands. You can just say no. It is a complete sentence.
Good luck. Narcissistic parents are always difficult and their aging makes it no easier.

It sounds like your mother has more confidence in a man "taking care of her" than a woman. When your husband retired and became more available, she may have taken the opportunity to move then to be close to someone available.

Does your husband resent the current situation?

"mother decided out of the blue to move to AL near us, and has expected us to take over running her life for her"

My sister arrived in a wheelchair taxi to a family event but didn't bring an aide. Assumed family would push her chair, cut her food, assist in the bathroom. (Family always helped before when she walked & was independant with bathroom but now functional decline). I had already said no, bring an aide. But there she was.

It's like your Mother arrived & did the same - but to your whole life, not just a lunch!

I think it riled me so much because there was no request. Just assumption. Just pushed everything onto her chosen helper.

So like you I forced more home help & that was rebuked but now successful. Basically I promoted myself from cleaner, maid (the rest..) to only driver for medical appointments. Until one week there was doctor, dentist, x-ray & podiatrist. I found I was living HER life. What happened to mine?? I sought advice which was to reduce to ONE day a week. Whatever doesn't fit - too bad - would be her problem. But easier said than done! Extra dental/doctor apt, a fall, taxi no show - always something.

So time to reassess the bigger picture. A review of total needs. Diagnosis? Living arrangements no longer meeting her needs. AL was recommended by Doctor at an arranged casual chat. (Still haven't got a more formal assessment done but will be broached as 'seeing what help would be useful for you').

I think maybe that's an issue here too. Mother can't actually be very independant where she is so leaning heavily on family. Not just for practical stuff either. Seems to have placed all responsibility for her social & emotional needs on them too. That's what's so crushing! If you say no, this won't stop as her needs are still there.

So to end my waffle, I'd say go for a chat with the Doctor about a needs assessment. Mum may be a long way from NH care but need more that her current AL. A continuum care/aging in place type with more services & social groups provided. With physio to learn how to push her wheelchair short distances - if that's a permanent part of her life now this will be a big adjustment, so councelling too. Somewhere that meets more of her needs.

Perhaps the scapegoat child gets sucked into it because they are finally getting the attention the other sibling got for so long. Also, the scapegoat child kept quiet all those years or avoided conflict. That is the perfect situation when the parent needs more from someone. They look around for the one child who will accept the load without complaint.

Why does it create an emotional toll on you for things your husband does for mom? If he is complaining, then help him create boundaries for mom. Clearly evaluate what she can do on her own and stop doing those things. You are creating an invalid. Every time you do one task for her, it becomes yours and eventually she really won't be able to do it. If she can walk, she gets up to go get what she wants. If she can wash and fold clothes, it is exercise to continue doing so. If she's not good with finances, then take it over for her. Tell her why she must do for herself. The less we do today is what we cannot do in a month.

The role of scapegoat has lots of different implications. Without knowing more about what you mean by that I can only guess, but it may be that she felt she could push you around more, and that you would acquiesce to her demands more.
You will need to learn boundaries, not just emotional separation, and there is a difference. One is healthy for you. The other is not.