My father does not shower, wash his hair, or brush his teeth. He also only changes clothes about twice a week. He is incontinent, and refuses to wear adult diapers. He smells. He does not have dementia, or anything like that, but he does have some mental health issues. I have tried everything to try to help him, but he gets angry, and no one I have talked to professionally can help.
Neither SIL nor my DH would broach the subject and since I was caring for him at this stage of his life, I was stuck with feces stained pants everyday. So gross.
I threw out all his thongs and gave him the option of 'tidy whities' or adult diapers. he was not happy with either, so he went commando. Got caught short a couple of times and then he would wear the briefs, but he never felt he needed them.
As far as showering, I just got kind of mean. He could snow the 'kids' who came as CG's the help him shower, b/c they were too young to get that he was just going in the bathroom and not even turning on the shower! He'd just comb his hair and that was it.
I would stand outside the bathroom and tell him he had x many minutes before I hear him get in the shower or I was going to grab him and force him. My DH would be there, sitting on the couch, wringing his hands, mortified by my behavior.
Sometimes you HAVE to get a little forceful. I refused to take FIL anywhere if he wasn't clean from the skin out and he loved his long hours in his coffee shop. It wasn't just a smell issue, it was that he was NOT clean and I'm sure spread germs far and wide.
Dad never had dementia--not until the very end and he was in the hospital. His choice to not bathe was simply his choice. Had he not been incontinent, it would not have been so awful.
If you get in home care for dad, be sure they are old enough to see around a wily old man who will pull the wool over their eyes. Check the shower and shower chair. If it's not WET, he didn't shower.
This was, for me, the worst part of CG for FIL. I felt that I wasn't as kind as I could have been, but I didn't have TIME to fuss at him for not showering. I let a lot of stuff slide, but not the hygiene.
Good Luck with this. Dad's ego took a beating under my 'rule' and I do feel bad about that--I always respected him, but I was tough.
You can hire someone to come in a few times a week that will help him bathe.
Is he having problems with his balance? Many times the fear of falling will prevent someone from getting into the shower or bathtub. A shower bench or chair might help. It should have a back on it to hep with support.
In your profile you do not give any information about him or the situation. Is he living by himself or with you?
If he does not have dementia you could take the hard approach and if he is in your house you tell him if he does not shower you will have to look for other living arrangements for him. Then start the search of Assisted Living, or Independent living if he can live on his own.
If he is living on his own...no shower then you will not visit or invite him to go out with you.
If he is living on his own how are the housekeeping skills? Does he clean, take out the trash?
Is he seeing someone for the mental health issues and is he on medication? is he compliant with treatment? Is this something you could notify his doctor about? And if this is a recent change in his status I am sure the doctor would want to know.
You may have something that is not covered, and it makes a lot of sense to ask a specific question about it. Everyone here has sympathy for you, and this is not ‘fobbing you off’. Best wishes, Margaret