Does anyone else's LO see failure on your part to do something as aggression? I started caring for Mom at 8, when she had a breakdown (delusions, lying on the couch for days, unable to leave the house alone), then Lyme, then cancer. It was tiring. If I said anything like "I need to sit down for a few minutes or I'll collapse" she would get agitated and say I was "threatening her." Eventually, she explained that saying I would be unable to do for her if X happened amounted to "threatening" not to take care of her. This applied to anything where I mentioned not being 100%, like having the flu, etc. She perceived these as deliberate efforts to harm her by failing to be there for her. If I was 100% and caring for her, she could be very sweet and appreciative, but any illness, etc, she thought was a deliberate attack. In front of other people, she'd say I was really sick, she was taking care of me, she's so worried. It was almost funny to see how fast she'd change from furious to worried-acting when a nurse came in her room. I learned to hide illness. She was like this even in her 30s, so this is not dementia-related. Anyone else?
I think as caregivers we are always being a caregiver, yet we yearn for the freedom that we once had. For me, I had many conflicting feelings. I wish that I had sought therapy much sooner than I had. I wish that I had known about this forum sooner. I needed balance in my life. I was in way over my head and basically drowning for a long time. We lose ourselves. We become confused and miserable. I believe that those we are caring for become confused too.
Sometimes I felt like I devoted my whole life to my mom, other times I felt like it was never enough. I have come to the conclusion that was because the task of caregiving is too much for one person to handle. My mom realized that too. Think about it. In a facility, there is an entire staff to care for the residents. They work in shifts, not 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no holidays! It’s a huge difference, right? So, we get tired. Sometimes, we get grumpy, depressed and full of anxiety. We are running on fumes and there is no fuel to keep us going. We burn out. Please, don’t let this happen to you. Find a way to restore your energy. I wish that I had.
Wishing you all the best in your life. I hope you can find rest soon. Take care. I pray everyday for all caregivers and those who need care. I pray that I don’t suffer and go quickly because I have made a promise to myself and my grown daughters that I will never impose on them. There were lots of things that I did wrong when I was caregiving, I neglected myself. There was way more that I did right though, regarding my mom’s care. I am happy about that but it nearly killed me. My mom’s doctors always said that I took excellent care of her and I am pleased about that. Would I do it all over again? Ahhhh…that I really don’t know. I guess it depends on the day that you ask me. Sometimes, I think, absolutely not! Other times, I wonder if the sacrifices were worth it. I did love my mom in spite of everything. Still, I wholeheartedly believe that we can love our parents without being the hands on caregivers. If the truth be told, we could probably love them more, because our love would be freely given without resentment.
I am not saying that people who oversee their parents care that are in a facility have it easy. They don’t if the situation is complicated, such as having a parent who is hard to please, and all they do is complain, but at least when you go home, you will have your own space and time to yourself.
Sorry for rambling. I get down sometimes when I answer these questions because it throws me back in time. Some memories are wonderful and others not so much. It’s never easy. is it? I remember praying that mom’s suffering would end, but watching her die was excruciating for me. Grieving takes time to process. I know that I will get to a better place one day.
So you are in your mid-60's? Are you still working fulltime? What kind of caregiving does your mother require?
How was it that she came to live with you?
My father was a control freak, and my mom submitted to him. Did not advocate for her kids in any way. What he said was how it would be.
As the oldest and a girl, I knew by the time I was in nursery school that my purpose in life was to be sure my mother (chronic depression and anxiety) was smiling when dad walked in the door (for lunch and dinner). And to ensure that my siblings never cried in front of him or spilled their milk. A big job for a 4 year old.
Lots of therapy over time (30+ years) helped quite a bit. I care for her 3 days/week now, but using my professional self (RN) and treat her as a client not as my mother. She does not live in my house, and I will not stay overnight at hers.
When you were 8, I am sorry that there was no adult to rescue you from that situation. Family shame often pushes a kid to taking on a job too big for an adult.
That girl needs wise therapists who have experience with survivors of mentally il parents to help her to heal, and you deserve to have that.
Take good care of you. You are really worth it.