Does helping overstep boundaries and make an elder person feel useless?

As has been said by just about everyone here, 'do' the chores together. My mom couldn't put fresh sheets on her bed--but loved to strip the sheets, and while I re-made the bed, her part was to put the pillows in their cases.

Also, I'd do laundry, then bring in the clean & dry stuff, so she could sit and fold. It made a huge difference! I always wondered if she might realize she was doing to 'kid' stuff, but whether or not, she definitely enjoyed it.

Since you are not there all the time, how do you know that your Mom isn't like this normally? I mean, you notice these things when you are present - can someone who sees her on the regular say she's not this way normally?
Can you ask her if she feels you're overstepping and that it is making her feel badly?

No doubt younger, stronger people can do things faster and easier and it is tempting to “take over”. You can help without high jacking the whole chore. Expect it to take longer than you would be able to accomplish the task but engaging in some conversation while doing it will be nice. Ie you can fold the large heavy laundry items while your loved one folds the smaller items. Ie walk your loved one to the frig and cabinets and together decide what needs to be put on the grocery list for the next trip out. The walking and standing works on their balance, strength, and endurance and the mind is challenged to think about what’s missing and what is needed for the house

You can definitely do too much even though your intentions are good. The more they can do for themselves, the better. Definitely help with chores they cannot do themselves. And provide as minimal assistance as possible for activities they cannot. My dad already is depressed as he realizes how little he can do now and recognizes his cognitive abilities declining. The less he does for himself, the more he sits and watches TV. The more he sits, the more stiff he is when he tries to get up and walk (usually to the bathroom, rarely to just get up and go do something else). The lack of activity is as bad as being bed-ridden: muscles atrophy, depression gets worse, mental apathy sets in. He constantly laments over how he used to be able to walk 3 miles easily, how steady his hands used to be. He likes being pampered, but he also understands that as long as he lets others do things for him he isn’t challenging himself.

Towards the end of mother's life because she was legally blind, it became sad that there wasn't much she could do. I got her to put the return address labels on her holiday cards. So what if she didn't get them quite right due to low vision.

I walk this tight rope everyday with Dad. I want to help, but don't want to make him feel incapable. Everyday is different on what I feel I should do and not do. Sometimes it truly tires me out. Brain fog of my own trying to always forsee the boundary lines.

Maybe try to "help" rather than take over some chores. If there is something she can no longer do, like go up on a ladder to change a light bulb, that would be a good thing to help with. Doing chores is a way of feeling useful and keeping one's abilities. Also, think about spending quality time doing fun things or just talking with your mother as much as possible while you visit, rather than doing chores.

The boredom, trapped feelings and isolation sound like what some of us caregivers are going through, during moments not caring for parent or MIL. I think everyone is different. Some parents don't like too much help as it makes them feel useless. My MIL started out not wanting us to help much, now she is the opposite...the more people do for her the more she expects and asks for. Again, everyone's parent or in-law is different in that aspect and even that could change.

Probably.

Your mom wants your visits and appreciates your help, but doesn't know what to do with the freed up time. I suggest you do chores together and then plan to use the "saved time" to have fun afterwards. She won't be bored but will enjoy activities with you.

There is such a thing as"learned helplessness". This comes from doing too much for a person who is still able. It may take longer for them to complete their task, but as long as they can do, they should do. However, it also may be that the tasks are becoming too difficult. This is something you should determine via observation.

I used to say 'the more I help my father the more helpless he gets". He would expect me to do things he was capable of doing himself. When I hired a lady to come in once a week to help him I told her that if he asked her to do any chores for him she was to make him do them with her. I didn't want him sitting on the couch directing her to do things. They would spend her time doing laundry together.

Let her do her usual activities and step in when you see her struggling, not before. The more you do for someone the less they move. Kind of like buying a lift chair too soon - the chair begins doing the work of the legs and the muscles no longer get the lift exercise.

Give her clothes to fold while you do a heavy cleaning in kitchen....or things she may not accomplish on her own.

N"O. You are helping. And the fact that they are feeling bad about life? Who wouldn't? They are now needing assistance with more and more things. They are experiencing loss after loss after loss and there is nothing coming on the horizon but death. Why would they not feel bad. And as far as the question, it is best put to your Mom. Ask HER. Tell her "I don't want to overstep my boundaries and do things you do not want or need" Tell her "Let me know if I overstep boundaries; I know all this is hard for you."

My mom mentioned to me yesterday that she doesn't seem to be needed in the kitchen any longer. She's in assisted living, which in her mind is her house, and she thinks all the other residents are her relatives visiting. She wishes they would go home. She knows the care givers are working there, but states that they seem to know what they are doing, so she is staying out of their way. There was sadness in her statement. I remember she once would go in and help set the table and tidy up a bit for whoever was cooking. When I lived with her I would ask her to help with some meal preparation, dishes, and laundry folding. I'm going to suggest at assisted living that they start asking her again if she wants to help. I think you are correct that doing too much for people makes them feel not needed. On the other hand, I love that my girlfriends come over to help when I get behind on household chores because of preparing for an exhibition. They came when my father died too. Out of town company also always help out with cooking, so your doing things for her seems very ordinary. You are paying attention to her reaction as you help and will find a balance through just that. Paying attention. That balance might change as time goes on.

I agree with Grandma1954.

My mom used to say “Company is like fish. After three days they both stink”.

Your mom may be just putting up with you.

In my mom’s NH, I see out of town family members around the holidays sporting their lovely suntans. Visits are about once a year.. They come in. They take over. Take selfies and leave. They call it helping. I’m there everyday so I see a lot.

Try seeing your visits through her eyes.

Suggestions to talk with her about what she would like to do with you or to have done for her, including her in chores that she can still do, etc are good. She may or may not have issues with you "taking over", she may or may not be slowing down. She may or may not be able to express anything about what is going on. Perhaps she is just reminiscing while you are "busy."

Ensure she has a good physical exam done to rule out any issue is another good suggestion. Also ensure she has some social interaction, activities to do that she enjoys, etc, esp for when you are not there. Spend more of your time during your winter visits just being with mom, taking her out to favorite places, hanging together chatting about life, past, present, future. All can be helpful and might provide some insight into what might be going on.

As to helenb63's comment:

What you are observing may be a result of moving, but it might not be. When our mother was still living in her condo, she began withdrawing from various activities. She lived in a 55+ condo area and would go with several friends to Senior Center activities, esp the free or reduced meals and special events (also free meals!) Although it may have coincided with taking her car away, the car was NOT used for these trips as the SC was local to the condo area at the time. At the point we took the car away (for her safety and others!) her "circle of comfort" for driving was severely limited (by herself.) Mainly it was out of the condo complex to the road and the grocery store was at the other end. So, we weren't really taking away a whole lot!

She began making excuses or just ignoring the others invites to the activities. Several friends and even those who worked at the SC tried to get her to come, but she was withdrawing socially. She would often attempt to cancel appointments (sometimes CANCEL would be written on her calendar, but she actually didn't follow through!) On the flip side, she would complain about not having anything to do and was bored sitting around! Offers to go somewhere were usually declined. In her case, more than likely this was part of the early dementia social withdrawal. The very early signs were missed until it became obvious that she was having issues. Repetition of statements, requests, questions (not just simple forgetfulness, these would happen multiple times in a matter of minutes or less) started me on dementia research.

Once the car was gone, I had to facilitate grocery shopping and that's when I realized she was buying meat and freezing it, but not using it, buying veggies which would be shriveled up in the fridge, etc, plus having multiples of some items because she would forget she had some/where she put them. The removal of the car didn't cause this, but it was the way I learned she wasn't cooking, just eating frozen dinners and boxed crap. When we don't live with them, it is hard to miss all the subtle signs!

Although it is hard to keep up with all the visits you make now, it may be about all you can do. If she won't socialize, she may become more withdrawn. When you do visit, try to go when there is an activity going on and encourage her to go with you. It might help if you reduce visits, but that's something you'll need to work out - I would see if there is anyone who could entice her out, whether it is another resident or a member of the staff.

I do see in your profile that she has hearing loss. THAT could pose a problem too. Our mother was down to one hearing aid and often it wouldn't have a good battery (she would forget to replace it, both at home and in MC) or be misplaced somewhere, so it made it harder for her to socialize! In addition to her physical, perhaps have her hearing retested and/or consider new hearing aids. They do wear down and become less helpful. If she can't hear well, socializing, calling taxis, etc become very difficult.

How would you feel if someone came into your house and took over?
You get into a routine and you have "your way" of doing things even if it is the particular way you fold a towel because you know exactly how to fold it so it will fit into the closet space "just right".
There is a fine line between helping out and taking over.
Also reading many posts here having someone come in to help is like giving up part of the independence that one has.
Just as any guest in someones home....
Always ask if there is anything that can be done.
Always strip the bed and if possible put fresh sheets on when you leave.
Make sure you clean the bathroom.
Empty the garbage can in the bathroom and bedroom you used.
Ask if there are any errands that need to be done.

And I have to ask ...how long are the "snowbird" visits? If they are long it might be nice to break them up it can get exhausting having someone in your house for an extended period of time. Either visit someplace else or spend some time at a hotel to break up the time spent at mom's...maybe an "all inclusive" and treat yourself.

I agree with helping Mom but include her in the tasks. I might try telling her that if "we do this together we will have more time to something fun or go out for lunch or something more fun, like shopping, etc.
Luz like to wash the walls in the shower or tub. cost me extra for the water but she was happy. she only used her hands to do this.
She liked to do the dishes too. But I would have to do them again later. Still she loved this and I loved her for it.

It’s possible that too much “helping” can have this effect, but not in all cases. There are so many variables here. How able is she ? What are the family dynamics ? Your post does’t say enough to determine this, in your case. If it feels like something is not right, the best thing is to talk to her to figure out what is going on. Like “Mom would it be helpful to you if I did x,y,z ?”

Its not easy sometimes. My mom has in past said “I can do it”, when later on I discovered things were not getting done. In this case, she didn’t want to admit that she was needing more help. I think this is common.

Maybe, just maybe, she is resentful that you come around when it’s convenient for you, but not during the rest of the year ? If so, that’s a tough one. This may be not-at-all what she is thinking, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the possibility. It helps if someone who is not in the family can assess her needs. Just the practical facts, without emotions involved. By this I mean;
Is she able to bathe herself, get dressed, do meal prep, do housecleaning, do financial business, transportation, etc.

Maybe too her behavior has nothing at all to do with you. Communication is needed to find out more. Best of luck.

My SIL is a "take over" person. Doesn't ask just does it. My MIL did not like her for that. When MIL found out she may not be able to go home and her rehab was going to be near her son and pushy DIL, she literally willed herself to die at 92. I asked why did u ever tel, her any of that. Let her get thru therapy and then tell her.

What we did was ask MIL what she'd like us to do. Since she was not stable on her feet, it usually was get something off a shelf she couldn't get to. Wipe the top of the above the stove microwave that she could no longer reach. We would always strip our bed and put fresh sheets on and remake it. If I had time I would wash and dry the dirty ones. If not, she had no problem with doing laundry. MIL enjoyed waiting on us, so we let her unless she was already sitting down.

So, say "Hey Mom, what do you need done while I am here. I just can't sit around all day".

I was told I was doing too much for my mom, enabling her. I was shocked because it was soooo TRUE! If she CAN do it, she SHOULD do it! You can help with extra things or do them together, but don't just take over and leave her with nothing to do. They need to stay active and useful.

A therapist at my gym heard me telling my above story and said, no, you are DISabling her, not ENabling her. Wow. Again, right. The less I allowed my mom to get away with doing, the worse it was for her.

So help mom and then with the extra time leftover from having a helper, try to get her out to do something fun. Shopping, walk, beach, lunch, whatever.

Or nothing to do with the above at all, but an indication that your mother is slowing down and allowing her thoughts to wander occasionally?

If you're worried, have a chat with your mother (or better still several chats) and see if you can gauge how she's feeling in general. By and large, it is true that it's better (as in more enabling) to help somebody do things for herself than to take over and do them for her; but I have before now suspected that this rule was laid down by somebody who never had to clean the bathtub.

We're bombarded with images of retired people travelling the world, taking classes, volunteering and socializing with friends but the truth for many is endless days where the monotony is only broken by the little daily tasks we set for ourselves. Now that I am no longer working I look back on my mother's life with new eyes; her isolation and inability to get up and do something - anything - must have been excruciating, not to mention lonely. I'm not going to tell you not to help out, but do try to tag team where possible, take her with you when you run errands. And be alert to whether her surrounding community still serves her social needs, because when you return home she won't have either your help or company.

You have tremendous insight. I have seen that with my father. I know he appreciates the help but he also has periods of feeling depressed for not being able to do very much for himself anymore. Everyday, I have to balance my usefulness with his need to feel useful. To be honest, it’s a work in progress. Another consideration is that there could be other causes for your mom’s behavior. I would encourage you to reach out to her physician. It may be time for some bloodwork to be sure there isn’t something else going on: cognitively, mentally or physically. Wishing you good days with your mom, and for everything to go well.