My MIL is 95 and lives in an assisted living facility. She has three children (my husband, IL and BIL). I am the primary helper as two of her children live out of state and my husband is not close with his mother. I have a difficult time helping her. She has never been kind or loving toward me but sees me as someone to ask for help. She gets frustrated if she’s not helped quickly and will often call many times to make sure I am doing what she asked. I’m a full time teacher, grad student and parent of two children still in school. I am burned out but feel guilty if I don’t jump when she calls. Either way I’m miserable. Is it okay to say “no” sometimes when what she’s asking is not life threatening (for instance, she currently has fuzziness in her ear and the nurse at her facility checked her and requested meds from her doctor but she wanted me to take her to the clinic)? Thanks for any info.
She is not alone...she is in a facility and has others family members she can call.
Do not feel guilty.
Good Luck,
Colleen Pell.
God bless you, and I promise you, you will end this journey with no regrets. But I do implore you to speak boldly to them in that vein.
As far as saying no, just say, "I'll call Suzie and ask if she can help take you there". And DO IT. If it isn't going to hurt anything and she wants an icecream sundae with whipped cream and lots of fudge on it, get it for her. At this point, she's earned the right to eat what she wants. :)
Either he gets involved or you step back. If he refuses to deal with his mom, does he get the groceries, deal with the kids, cook meals, do the laundry etc when you are dealing with his mom?? If not, then refuse to care for her.
Hubby has a good thing going and the faster you figure that out, the faster you can do something about it.
I have a real problem with husbands expecting their wives to care for their moms while he can come home saying he's had a tough day, sit down, read the paper, and ask what's for dinner, what time is dinner or why isn't dinner ready. Then after dinner, it's up to you to do the clean up. I've lived that life.
He needs to be involved in his mother's care instead of you. Like it or not. If a grown man can't handle being screamed at by a 95yr old mommy, he needs to grow up.
There is nothing wrong with helping when you want... but helping when you don't have the time, energy or sometimes just don't feel like it etc, you need to stand your ground and keep saying "not this time" and say it every time. Good luck to you and hope hubby knows what a gem he has and treats you accordingly.
On the flip side of that is a 95 year old woman. If you think days fly by for you because you're busy, we have to remember that 95 years has passed as if in a moment. Time is running out quickly. While the 95 years went by in the blink of an eye for her, sitting all day waiting on something/someone is time in slow motion. My mom would say the weekends were the longest days of the week because her children were out and about and she usually didn't hear from them.
She had long since forgot that she didn't do personal calls when she was on the job. As people age, I think the circle of concern does become more personal (probably not intentional selfishness) and any strange ache or pain may weigh heavy on their mind. What worked better for mom was a brief phone call - just so she heard the voice of her kids.
Perhaps start a routine with all the children - one calls about 9am (after the morning meal), another call midday and one call in the evening before her day ends. Nothing long winded - just a 'thought I'd call - good morning'.
I've heard some people say they aren't going to call every single day, but I say why not. Prior to being an in-house caregiver, I arrived at work early and called my mother every single day. Less than 5 minutes on the phone and then ended it by letting her know 'the work was already rolling in, so I'll call you later. I also called her every single evening and had her call me when she was settled into bed. The evening call had more content - the bed call was just so I knew she was settled in without problems.
To be clear, I am not saying you should feel guilty. Would just like to share another perspective. People in AL or other facility may be surrounded with others who can help but it doesn't mean they aren't lonely.
Colleen Pell
Colleen Pell
Yeah, I don't think so.
Tell your husband to get off his sorry behind and step up like a man.
(And no, you aren't a jerk.)
*Update -my MIL screamed at my husband last night because he didn’t answer the phone promptly and this was really the window her thinking about us and what we represent in her life-servitude. That needs to change. We are planning a discussion about it.
I used to get calls from a SIL. It would be to actually speak to my DH but he was at work, busy, wouldn't answer. So then calls to me to call him & tell him to answer his phone! Just No. If I didn't answer the house phone immediately, mobile rings. If DH was at home the phones would all ring in turn. We soon realised it was driven by her sense of urgency, anxiety & unreastic expectations rather than any actual emergency.
Unfortunately these sorts of calls can become 'the boy who cried wolf'.
When I SAW this pattern I could explain what realistic expectations looked like for me/us. I didn't realise this was called 'boundary setting' at that time.
Of course with many, push back can happen. From mild testing to full on screaming fits to crush your boundaries flat. Make your own reasonable limits.
If I am free, I'll answer the phone. If busy, I won't.
Best of luck!
Assisted living provides 24 access to assistance, helps with all of daily needs, including for socialization, nutrition, etc.
Her adult children (and perhaps their spouses) need to step up and increase visits and calls to her - she wants to know that her family has not abandoned her, and hearing familiar voices and faces is a comfort to her..even if the experience is difficult for the rest of you. Politely ending a call or visit when she starts to complain is effective.
Your kids need to see elder care as a family responsibility..shared...and to have a mom who is a bit less stressed.
Your MIL is an AL where most of her needs are met. All you need to do is get her toiletries and maybe depends. Start backing off. You do not need to be at her beck and call. Sit down with her, look her in the eye and tell her you will need to cut back. Tell her you have a f/t job, children, a home and you have school. Because of this you cannot be at her beck and call. Any problems she has she needs to use the staff. To her things are "right now" but she needs to understand that things happen in your time not hers. You are doing her a favor. There should be no guilt, you are doing what you can and she is lucky she has you.
I see no reason for a companion, she needs to socialize and join in. You need to ignore her calls. You can block her. You can set ur phone to Do Not Disturb then set it for only persons on your contact list will ring thru, taking her off ur list. She can still call but will go to VM. If not an emergency, you do things in your time. "No sorry, can't do it now but will pick it up next time I am out." She is fed 3 meals a day and snacks. She is bathed and dressed. And if anything happens she has a nurse and staff .
I understand ur husband not wanting to see her but he can run her errands for you and you drop them off to her. I would also tell the RN that you can get Mom to ENT doctor when school closes. Before then it is not possible.
No is a one word sentence.
When saying No, you are not responsible for the reaction you receive (Boundries by Townsend and Cloud)
“MIL, you’re free to leave messages on my phone. I’ll be very busy with (insert kids’ needs here) for the next while. I will be happy to visit on Wednesdays. We can address your next week’s needs on that day. On that day, I will make sure and point you in the direction of whom, at the AL, can help you.”
Next, put her number on “do not disturb”.
Do not back down on this boundary. If you do, you will be back where you started.
Report back, as you are able. We’re cheering you on. 🏅
Wishing you the very best. Those of us who are by nature "caregivers" sometimes need a tuneup to be reminded we can't do it all, and it is a mistake to try.
If you are burning out, then this is the signal that you need to replace your attention and help with that from someone else or some other approach. You can start by engaging the facility to step in to do things they are able to do for her. You can decide that you shop for her once a week (or every 2 weeks). You can hire a companion for her that she pays for out of her own funds (assuming your husband is her FPoA).
Then, you can have a discussion with your husband letting him know that you're done being the sole point person and that he needs to discuss with his siblings what they plan to do because your last day will be XX, 2022. If he gets upset or mad you will need to explain that you are burnt out and wish to move on with your life. Whatever you do, if you "resign" you will need to do exactly what you've told them you'll do and do not go back to being the point person. You may even delete your phone number from her phone so that she only has your husband's. If she calls you hand the phone to him and walk away. If you don't do this you are enabling the situation to continue.
Many people are "assumed" into caregiving, so your predicament is very common. But you control how it goes forward. Work on not feeling guilty for anything that transpires after you resign, as you have done yeoman's work to this point and can feel good about it. May you gain peace in your heart!
Do what you can from a distance, online,
do not answer all her calls and let her leave a message. If husband does not want to participate in her care let him hire a PT caregiver to see to her needs outside what AL provides.
Set some boundaries and take care of you!
My goodness, you are being stretched tighter than a guitar string ready to snap! This is too, too much for one person to do, family, children's needs, work, and a demmanding MIL? Seems like others have stepped away from her, and don't seem to feel guilty at all about it-can you find out why and when from them? Otherwise, take a long, quiet walk, think about your priorities in your life. Write them down. Put that paper away for a few days, then look at it again. You might be surprised by what you really want from life as opposed to what's going on now.
As you can see by the replies (so far) most folks here want you to get off the guilty train of thought and actions and take care of yourself.
Keep us posted!
Gradually step away from her.
Why do her children get to bow out? Why isn't she living near one of the two who live out of state? Is she close to one of them?
Feel no guilt. This isn't your mother. She sees you as a servant.
I’m part of the sandwich generation too. Three kids still in school. I couldn’t be there literally 24/7 as requested and I faced my mother’s wrath, which I washed down with a mug of guilt. You don’t say if she has dementia. It’s well established that there is no reasoning with some people.
Re: the guilt. Let’s say you want to go to the local yarn store before the big sale ends. But your car is in the shop, so you ask your neighbour for a ride. She says she’s busy today but she’ll drive you tomorrow. Do you think your neighbour should spend the rest of today feeling guilty that she can’t drive you today? No, and neither should you when you can’t fulfill your MIL’s non-urgent requests.
Plan a response. “(insert name or role) at the ALF is there to help you with that. I’ll follow up with you about it when I visit next (insert day).”
Repeat ad nauseum or ignore a call or two. It won’t be easy because you’ll heap guilt on yourself for not answering or jumping into action.
When your hypothetical neighbour said she couldn’t drive you to the imaginary yarn store until tomorrow, did you think horrible things about how selfish she is? How she should have dropped everything to fulfill your request?
If your MIL is of sound mind and rips into you for failing to immediately fulfill her every want, you have a very self-absorbed MIL. Old dogs can learn new tricks, and she can learn that you will assist her on your own terms. Or she can complain a lot to anyone who will listen. Save yourself.
She had hired a private caregiver for Mother, for ? hours per day/week for Mother's laundry list topped by listening to complaints, arranging her things, making her look good. Not sure if it included transport as the lady lived in high needs AL.
Would a private pay caregiver/companion 1 -2 x week work for your situation?
I suppose we all want someone who is our 'person'. Someone to listen to us & care.
You work fulltime & have not much desire for a closer relationship. I think it reasonable you look for ways for MIL to have her needs met with less burden on yourself.
If the AL does not have a medical van, they can connect her with whomever does. Same goes for shopping. There are also same or next day deliveries.
I advise that you start weighting your visit time toward group activities. The senior will be showtiming as peers are incentivized to come over and say hi. They’ll get an instant popularity boost, as often having a family visit is the most prestigious thing ever.
it might encourage her to see that the whole world is not you, but Is pleasant nonetheless