Does the guilt and sadness ever go away when you have chosen a nursing home for your mother? A very sweet mother, with mild cognitive issues and possible Lewy Body, very stubborn. Also, I am a 66 year old disabled (polio survivor), married and would like to travel with my husband before I am no longer able. Almost every time I visit her, we end up arguing (I try not to!) and I leave, then she calls and apologizes and I feel even more guilty. She has had 4 hospitalizations in the past few years, TIA strokes, anxiety and depression. Her never happy and very negative outlook is getting me down. She always thought she would live with me and she reminds me of this as well as always talking about her home and her things. I know it is hard but she has been in SNF for almost 2 years and it is not any easier.
It sounds as though your mom has a raft of mental health issues and knows how to push your buttons.
Your mother has been assessed as needing 24/7 care. You cannot provide that at home without her paying for a great deal of in home help.
Does she have the funds for 3 shifts of caregivers?
Contrary to what she seems to believe, providing for her old age was HER responsibility, not yiurs.
Aging poorly is very depressing
All we can do is try our best to help them while also keeping ourself sane.
Maybe take a two week break; talk to the NH about having her meds assessed by a geriatric psychiatrist to see if there is any adjustment that can be made.
YOU have done nothing wrong by taking care of yourself and trying to live your own life.
I might start by discussing her depression with her doctor. I'd explore medication. Dementia often causes depression, anxiety and agitation. Meds helped my LO a great deal, but, until she got on the meds, I did not argue with her or try to correct what she said. I agreed and then changed the subject, always trying to stay positive. It helps to keep in mind that the person has cognitive issues and you can't convince them you are right.
I might read a lot of Lewy Bodies and dementia in general, which you say she has, and be able to recognize it's the disease talking and not her. If you make up your mind that you are not going to get upset or bothered, it helps to stay calm. I might applaud yourself for placing her somewhere she is cared for and have peace with it.
I couldn't tell from the various posts and your question if she is in AL, MC or nursing home. You might explore if she is getting the right level of care. Things may improve if that is remedied.
My answer to that is i didn't ask to be born. She did not ask to be old and crippled.
No one is at fault here.
You must do right by you. I would write her and call her , as often as i could stomach, and visit once per month.
Fortunately he was easy going and very compliant so I was met with no resistance.
But if I were not as healthy as I am, if he were not compliant, if I had not had the help of Hospice and the VA I would have had problems and it would not have been safe for either of us.
So....
Your Mom is safe where she is.
You have your own health concerns and you need to remain safe...(What would have happened if you were injured helping mom off the toilet?)
YOU are the one that is projecting the guilt. Tell yourself that you have made the choices you made for her health and safety, not because you want to travel, kick back and let someone else care for mom.
You can visit and be a daughter NOT a caregiver, you can be a better advocate for her.
And I will bet if you had talked to her about this very thing 20 years ago she would have told you that she would not want to be "a burden".
Sleep well tonight...you have nothing to feel guilty about you have made the right choices for you and her.
Apparently my own late mother deemed me so mean that she called me "Hitler."
I ask because I know that my dad thought he would live with me and my husband but he forgot to get our agreement. When he got upset I had to bite the bullet and explain that no one can just move into someone else's home with out everyone being in agreement.
If your mom is "there" enough to have a reasonable conversation with, it is time to stand up for yourself and lovingly explain that you are going travelling with your hubby, you will call and send postcards but you will not be chewed on when you visit. She needs to accept that she is at her home now and making you feel bad will never change that. It will however change you coming to visit. If she gets ugly, sorry mom, I'm not doing this and leave. Don't take her calls right away, let her have time to really think about the situation. You will have to do this every time until her behavior improves. Your absence will eventually get through to her. Right now she gets to chew on you and make you feel bad, then she gets to call and apologize and make you feel bad again. Take that power away from her.
Guilt implies that you have done something wrong. Giving her the gift of a safe environment with good care is not wrong. Just because she bore you does not mean she is entitled to your entire life for her benefit. This belief is selfish and unreasonable, that our parents have it, is mind boggling.
Go enjoy your adventures and send her little packages with regional food and goodies with cute cards that say how much you love her.
Many of the posts here seem to blame the person stuck in a horrible situation for their anger or depression... For 2 1/2 years, I took care of Mom, visited her every day, took her to all her doc's appts., therapy, battled for her care in the NH (even to just providing the means of brushing her teeth (at 96 she had all of her own because she was scrupulous about dental care!) If she lashed out at times, she had every reason to be angry and frustrated with her "life", and I was the only person she could vent on... I understood, although it was painful at times. I wished for a different life - for both of us - but never felt guilty or at fault, or resented her When friends said she was "safe" and I should enjoy my own life, I countered with the FACTS that she was my Mom, best friend, and - literally after we'd lived together for 20 years - my life partner... Had she been a spouse, I would have been expected to care for her... The hard thing for me was not guilt or anger - it was grief and helplessness at what had become of her and her life (and yes, of mine)...
How true, the same is happening to me now, because yes, I did take care of her for 13 years, but my life and the life of my family was so altered by that care, that I am definitely know that it would be completely different if not her present. Last two years her being in my house I was even scared to have a friends as it was impossible to have a normal conversation, she interrupted and tried to be the person of conversation even if she could not understand what we were speaking about. Lite corrections and asking Mom let me be with my friends, and she was angry and furious with me....Now, when she is in NH, our life is not much better, as every time I am there, I came home crying of inability to change anything, understanding that her life is miserable and I cant do anything of it. If I have millions of money, I will buy a house with two different apartments, hire for her great caregivers so on so on.....but I dont, I am in my 50 th, first line emigrant in the USA and struggling to bring kids to life and education. 13 years she lived with me, we did everything as one family, I showed her all the country as we love to travel, we never went anywhere without her (may be it was a mistake as she become completely dependent on me, but she was so depressed or showing this after my father death that I had no strength to tell her, Ok, now live alone in the country which language is not your native)....anyway, i still in guilt and depression although she does not remember that i visited her after 5 minutes of my leaving....antidepressants and drinking does not help....
Both my parents share a room at a nursing home. Every time that I enter the facility, I ask God for His grace, mercy and power to go in with me because I often feel a sense of dread prior to my visits. Actually, I felt that way twenty years ago when they were still functioning and living in their own home.
I visit about every other day. It’s that long walk from the parking lot to the front door that seems to be so difficult. That is when I do the most praying. Once I enter, my anxiety and sadness abates and I’m on - greeting other residents and the staff, looking for my parents because they roam around the facility, and advocating for their care.
Most of the time we have an uneventful visit and I leave them contentedly listening to music or watching a DVD, or engaging in some activity with the other residents, but there are some days in which the fog of dementia clears in one or the other and they become very aware of where they are and what has happened to their life. Those times are tough.
For example, recently my mother said, “I never dreamed that I would end up in a nursing home”, and another time “I miss my house” (that was sold to pay for their care). That was hard to hear. It’s weird, these moments of clarity and understanding. It’s as if we have gone back to a time in which their mind and bodies were still capable. As if they had been asleep and awoke to find themselves in this predicament. It doesn’t last very long, and they seem to lapse back into a confused state or they get distracted by other things.
I have learned to acknowledge their feelings. It is amazing how much that seems to work. Yes, it does suck that their old age was accompanied by poor health, poor mobility, and dementia when a friend’s mother lived alone, drove her car, and took care of herself until she was diagnosed with cancer and died two weeks later at the age of 95.
Yes, it takes the sting out of it to acknowledge that life is unfair, but I don’t leave it at that. Before I leave, we say our gratitude lists, and they still have a lot to be grateful for; it just has to be acknowledged also.
The sadness does not go away, and the guilt? My siblings and I took care of our parents for over 15 years, well past the time they had already qualified for a nursing home. We and professional caregivers became the nursing home. We did this until we couldn’t anymore. I now recognize guilt as regret. Regret that they did not have a healthy, vibrant old age. I had no control over that, but with God’s grace I can bring some comfort and care to them.