My 89-year-old mother decided to move to Florida to be with my sister after her husband passed away. She was originally going to come live with me in South Carolina. She changed her mind at the very last minute after heated battles with my sister. My sister became power of attorney and set her up in a resident living facility. It’s only been six months. My sister has gotten my mother to write the house over to her. My mother, every time I talk to her is upset, she is afraid of my sister. She says she’s abusive. She yells at her all the time she won’t give her money she’s in total control. I live too far away to see what really is going on I know my sister is somewhat evil though… My mother now wants me to come to Florida and take her to South Carolina and for me to become power of attorney I just don’t even know the first thing about doing any of this. Plus I don’t have very much money to pay for a lawyer and my mother‘s money is all tied up, due to the fact she has to ask my sister for anything. I know patients with dementia exaggerate things and so forth so I’m not sure what my next step is my sister will not speak with me. We have a brother, he’s staying out of it, but he has taken my sister side, exclaiming, that my sister is a saint. She’s doing everything she can for mom. every time I see my sister on Facebook she’s away. She has taken at least 3 -2week vacations since November. My sister really wants my mother’s house. She’s used my mother’s money to fix it up and she’s paying the taxes and the homeowners insurance with my mother‘s money. My brother says that she did this so that Medicare eventually won’t get it? Which I don’t really understand that. I just don’t know what to do with my mom. She doesn’t like the facility she’s in. She doesn’t like the control my sister has over her. and I’m at a loss.
I did call the elderly abuse hotline and gave them all the information. They said that I had a case and that I gave them all the information that they need it phone numbers and addresses etc. They told me that I would never know what the outcome of the investigation would be, I guess some kind of law that I would never know the outcome. Nothing seems to have changed it. Just really got my sister more aggravated. Not that she is aware that it was came from me. I just don’t know how to help my mother.
Your mothers assets DO have to pay for the upkeep of the house she still owns. Your mothers assets need to pay for the taxes, insurance and any other expenses relating to the house as long as she still owns it.
If your mother was diagnosed with dementia PRIOR to your sister becoming POA an attorney had to have had a meeting with her where the attorney would have had to determine that mom understood what documents she was signing. If she did not see an attorney, or if an attorney determined that she did not understand the documents then the POA would not be valid.
If mom is not competent at this time YOU could not become POA you would have to file for Guardianship.
If you think there is Financial Elder Abuse going on you can report suspicion to the State of Florida Elder Abuse Hotline. they would follow up.
Go take a trip to Florida, drive....its not THAT far from SC, and see mom for yourself. See your "somewhat evil" sister too but remember this: should you decide to take mom to SC with you, YOU will be the new Bad Guy who moms complaining about constantly and who your siblings can assign a label to. That's how it works when dementia tears a family apart because everyone who's not hands on is trying to please the elder who's in a constant state of misery and confusion regardless of where they live. I know. I dealt with my mother and her dementia histrionics for 6 years and had the title of Bad Guy because I was it, the only child. No matter how I tried to help her, it was a waste of time and effort.
Hi Mom, how ya doing? (Keep it light...) What's the weather like in Florida?
My neighbour was the Good Son. Until he had to place his demented Mother in care for her own safety. Then he was The Bad Guy. Next son became the Good Son.. then a nephew or grandson.. & so it goes.
It's sad all round. For the family completely busting their guts to do what is necessary. Also for the impaired one who lacks insight & stays angry.
Do not get involved.
You have a brother there who says that Sister is "a Saint".
Your mother clearly was always carrying on before she ever got there.
She was going to be with you, and then no, she was going to be with sister.
Life is full of choices and the consequences we reap from our decisions.
Your mother was competent to make her choice and she made it.
I would tell mother, if she has concerns, she should call APS and report sister HERSELF.
Again, I would not become involved in this total mess.
But that's me. You will have to make your own decision.
you want to stay *neutral*. A fact finding mission.
Not pulled into any drama.. not devil, saints or saviour stuff.
Mom will not be "happy" no matter where she is placed.
This is partly because of the dementia and partly because she is not "at home".
Taking care of someone with dementia is not an easy task.
And this would be if you were able to obtain Guardianship and you would have to prove in court that mom is not being cared for or that sister is not doing her job as POA)
If you are still working your options would be to
1. Place mom in a facility. (mom's assets pay for facility)
2. Quit your job and care for her yourself. (not easy, a risk of putting your retirement in jeopardy)
3. Hire caregivers that will care for her. (mom's assets pay for care)
The house will have to be sold in order to continue to pay for her care. In the mean time you would be responsible for making sure that payments and upkeep are done.
Forget about inheritance. Mom and I presume your dad worked and saved for their "golden years" or a "rainy day" well it is pouring and there is nothing but Fools gold when it comes to golden years. The money they saved is to be put to use now.
The investigator that took your call was basing their comments of "you have a case" based upon YOUR information. I am sure once a full investigation was done they concluded that there was no fraud or abuse.
And I am sure your sister is fully aware that you were the one that made the call as no one else would have had the information that you gave.
You can help your mom by...
Visiting if you can without causing a disturbance.
That is if you are allowed to visit. If the POA thinks that you may upset mom visits might be either prohibited or they must be done with supervision.
sorry to hear this.
I think as far as what to, depends on what you want to achieve.
It appears the key thing is that you want to help your mother , especially if its true that your sister is being abusive, and get your Mom out of that situation then. Assuming this is the key thing, then you could go as others have mentioned, on a fact finding trip. Try to be neutral and unswayed and see whats going on, see how the interactions are between your Mom and sister when together, and talk to each of them seperately. Speak with your brother in person also. THen you can see if you can form any conclusions from that.
The other thing you allude to is whether some financial mischief is going on. Whether to get into that depends on whether you and your brother are concerned about it or not... In a way its a different topic from the first concern. If you are concerned about that, then as others mentioned - its possible that the POA was not properly taken? You would need an attorney if you wanted to investigate that (unless your sister fully cooperates with your questioning about how she received POA). Also - what is the status of your Mom's will, who are listed as heirs? That is how the estate eventually would be divided, but its value will be reduced by whatever your sister is spending.
As far as issue three - " My mother now wants me to come to Florida and take her to South Carolina and for me to become power of attorney I just don’t even know the first thing about doing any of this." That is a big undertaking that you have to decide if you are able and willing to take on. It may depend on the answers to the items in first two paragraphs/issues.
Your sister needs to be very careful how she spends Moms money. You need to find out how Mom signed the house over to sister. Could have been a Ladybird deed where it automatically goes to sister at Moms death. Mom is still responsible for the bills and upkeep. The problem I see here though, is sister is using Moms money on a house she will end up receiving. As a POA is not that like a conflict of interest?
If Mom ever needs Medicaid, there is a 5 year lookback. Your sister, as POA, cannot use Moms money for herself. If Medicaid finds any large amouts coming out of Moms accounts, they will question it. There is no gifting within that 5 yr look back, penalties will be given and sister may find herself paying for Moms care or caring for her herself duringvthe penalty period. She also cannot have Mom sign the house over to her where Mom is no longer on the deed. Medicaid looks at this as hiding assets. There would be a penalty for this.
Who is telling you all this? If Mom, I would not accuse sister of anything until you know the truth. And like I said, POAs do not need to tell anyone how they spend Moms money. But your sister needs to know she can't spend Moms money on herself. You may just want to tell sister what Mom has told you. True or not, Sister should see the lawyer who drew up the POA and make sure she understands her duties. She can't enrich herself as a POA. It has to be written in the POA if she gets paid for her POA services. She needs to have a receipt for everything she pays for out of Moms money.
Me, since Mom is in an AL she is safe and cared for, I would not worry about her. There is nothing she needs to spend her money on. She does have to supply her own toiletries, maybe toilet tissue and Depends so Sister needs to supply those. Sister can take her shopping for clothes and shoes. But she needs no money in her AL. With me, I was on a budget when my Mom was in an AL. I knew just how long her money would last and I pinched pennies.
I think you need to let it go for now. If Mom has a Will that needsvto be probated, at the time you get the accting you may be able to ask for an accting of the POA records. If found that Sister in some way enriched herself, you maybe able to get that deducted from her share of the estate. If brother is OK with everything, then let it go. Believe me, caregiving of someone with Dementia is no fun.