My 82 year old mother-in-law is driving ME insane! In November of 2010, we made the decision to stop being the caregivers for her; she has dementia, won't seek treatment and her nurse practioner (she won't see a physician) is not capable of treating her condition. He recognizes it, but really ignores it.
Since we stopped being her caregivers, she has caused nothing but problems. Threatening to sue us for "trying to make her think she is crazy" or call the police for taking a can opener (one that broke years ago). She has, for the past 10 years or so, accused everyone of wanting her money-(she has none). The only asset she has is her home...and in 1997, she was afraid that she would develop dementia like her mother, so she transferred her home into my husbands name. She then accused him of only taking care of her for her house. SO, after meeting with a counselor and adult protective services, he signed the house back over to her-(I think my husband was trying to show her that he loved her, NOT her house). Did I mention that her other son, David, is a convicted sexual predator and is playing the "nothing is wrong with you, can I have money" game.
Anyway, NOW, she is accusing us of taking more than $3000 from her checking account! We have never had a POA, access to her account, or anything to do with her checking account. I am so very sick of all the drama. We have gone to Human Services, we have talked to a counselor, what else can we do? I know, its the dementia, but it feels like she is trying to destroy our lives.
My poor husband feels so guility that he is not protecting her from David, but she continues to make these accusations-(she even went into our 23 year old son's employer and told his supervisor that he was a "horrible" person). Why is she striking out against the only people in her life that honestly care about her? She has driven everyone else away-(her other grandchildren, her niece, and now us!).
Help?
Simple, but not particularly helpful.
You have involved social services. You have seen counselors. What else can you do?
Um, ignore her? Refuse to participate in her dramas? She accuses you of taking money out of her account. "Sorry, Mom, we don't even have access to your account. Do you want to talk about something else? Otherwise I'm hanging up now." She wants to call the police over a missing can opener? "That is fine, Mother, but don't be surprised if they are not overly concerned." She wants to sue you? "Do you need help finding a lawyer, Mom?"
It is a sad answer, but it might be your best option. Just stay out of the drama. If that means limiting contact with your mother, so be it. Try to set some boundaries. You will talk to her, but only about topics acceptable to you. No drama. If that is not possible, you will not talk to her.
The harder question (I think) is how hubby can deal with his feelings of guilt. He did not cause the problem. He tried in rational ways to fix the problem. He may feel disappointed. He may feel grief. He may feel bad. People who don't feel bad when bad things happen are a little scary, don't you think? But guilt? I just don't see it. He didn't make his brother the way he is. He didn't give his mother dementia. He didn't abandon her -- she kicked him out of her life.
This is a very, very sad situation. Disengaging from the drama wouldn't make it any happier, but it may save your sanity.
I am glad your experience was one that you can look back on with fond memories. This women did not give her son (my husband) 18 years. She adopted him and he lived with his grandmother. My mother in law has always told us that she adopted my husband for her mother.
I, too, come from a family that hangs tough, but this is not representative of my husbands family and certainly not representative of his mother.
After my Mom's diagnosis My focus became her wellbeing. I was told you can't do it repetedly by my family. Who for the record, had no other solution but to hinder my actions to deal with the problem. Noone wanted the job but, only had useless answers and negative complaints instead of helpful constructive actions or words. I found out the hard way, but I did find out...Actions speak louder than words with family and my Mom. A pure soul cannot be weakened or overruled by harsh words or ill intent. Food for thought!
See All Answers