My precious mom (85) is refusing to eat or drink. Any advice?

Hi Sharadale. I am glad you still find my feelings about what doctors call "poor sleep hygiene" being a possibility and not to worry so much about your mom sleeping too much in the mornings, but being more than receptive to ice cream socials with you after what should be bedtime. LOL When I told my doctor that both my hubby and I were retired and on the same "poor hygiene sleep" routine, I didn't see anything wrong with it. We had to get up early all of our working lives and were exhausted in the evenings, plus I always carried work home. If we want to stay up late reading a book and sleep in, it seems we should be able to do so now. When he began to tell me how unhealthy it was, I told him my husband was 88 and, and until the last two years, had taken no medication at all except an occasional aspirin. I think he finally gave up and finally decided to grant us our retired perks! I am thrilled to hear that your mom is doing so well. You painted such happy pictures of her with your granddaughter. I think your stress level has gone down quite a bit, too! I am so happy for you!

Eating something first such as a sandwich or something light before a breathing treatment really helps me a lot, but it's not perfect

I'm glad to hear everything is going well again. I must make mention of the inhalers though. As an asthmatic survivor of whooping cough, I can't stress enough how vital it is to keep up on your inhalants. I used to have a friend who since died, and he had COPD and asthma. He had more than just an inhaler, he also had a nebulizer for regular breathing treatments. He was a retired Army medic, and he actually recommended a nebulizer for me when I first started on inhalers. Inhalers are really just a rescue inhaler for emergencies, and they're really not meant to be a regular breathing treatment like the nebulizer. Inhalers are a quick an instant way of resolving an attack until you can get to your nebulizer for a breathing treatment. A fellow asthmatic let me in on a little secret on the pocket inhaler. She revealed that when I use my pocket inhaler, exhale all the air from your lungs. Put the inhaler in your mouth and take a deep breath, and while you're taking a breath, take one puff. When your lungs are fully inflated, hold your breath for a few seconds, like say 15 seconds if possible. It helps to be leaned over on a table or laying down if you get dizzy and lightheaded. After the few seconds, slowly exhale. Wait one minute before repeating the process. This works far better than rushing through several puffs during an emergency. I discovered that it lasts much longer than if I were to rush it along. I know that sometimes if you have an attack you may tend to panic, which can be normal. However, I don't know whether or not you know this little secret about how to use the inhaler the right way, but it took a friend who happens to be a fellow asthmatic who let me in on the little secret. I can now I'll pass that little secret to others so they can have their emergency inhaler be more infective during an emergency. Sometimes it helps to put the inhaler on the end of a chamber. You could put what you need inside the chamber, and it stays there. However, I wouldn't leave it for too long because it will settle inside the chamber. You can also get accessories such as a little rubber mask that goes over the mouthpiece. I have one called easivent. The mouthpiece is actually built around the human mouth, meaning it's oval rather than circular. It's more comfortable than a circular mouthpiece, and the little mask goes over your mouth and nose. What I like about the little mask and easivent chamber is that you can fold up the mask and put it inside the chamber because the top opens up to allow for that. However, I would rather leave everything in tact so that I don't have to fumble with it in the event of an emergency. I usually leave this particular item in tact by the bedside. It's also a very good idea to have an inhaler in every room. That way, during an emergency you can just go to the nearest inhaler depending on which room you're in. It saves you the stress of trying to find your inhaler in case you misplace it. It's also a good idea to have one in your purse or handbag when you commute away from home. A final tip would be to designate a specific spot where each inhaler is so you know where it is when it's needed. This rule should also be for the nebulizer. If you set up the nebulizer with the intent to leave it permanently in a specific spot, you can also designate specific seating for the patient. Let's say you set up the nebulizer on a special table. Now, designate a chair that's comfortable for the patient. Let others in the household including visitors know not to sit there because it needs to be available should the patient need it. This set up is designated for when the patient needs the nebulizer. It's actually better to go to the nebulizer for an actual breathing treatment when you feel and attack coming on than it is to have to just use the emergency pocket inhaler. The breathing treatments are longer than just your pocket inhaler because nebulizer medicine is a constant flow until the chamber is empty for the machine is turned off. Anytime you set up a nebulizer, that particular spot should be reserved for just the patient because you don't want someone sitting there in the event the patient needs to be there on the nebulizer. These are just some suggestions to help with treating the patient, having a good working strategy will help next time an attack happens, and if you can have a good working strategy to keep up on the regular breathing treatments, attacks will be less frequent, maybe none at all. You really don't want to be too long without a therapeutic amount of medicine in your system. If you are, you'll notice how attacks will worsen as the medicine runs out of your bloodstream. If you take albuterol, be very wary of the side effects such as it causing your heart to race increased pulse. One way I found to get around that is to first have some food on your stomach and take a slightly shorter treatment like site half a vial of albuterol in your nebulizing treatment. Eating something first such

Well a little more investigating and I found she was not using any of her inhaler medicines! I take care of her pills but thought she had the inhaler under control! Not so much! So now I am taking car of that. Today we had a wonderful time. My granddaughter was here and being under two, she is a blast to have around! She spent some time outside and Mom came and sat on the porch somshe could watch the baby play

When we went in she climbed up on her lap to get books read. It was awesome to see them together.

Thank you. It is sooo hard. I see my mom in so many things I do, see or hear.

jackjack so sorry for your loss. Please continue to post and let us know how you and your father are. ((((Hugs))))

jackjackjack, So very sorry for your loss.
It is quite a thing for someone to be able to say "precious mother", and "passed away with grace". You are sad, but you are also blessed.
Of course I will pray for you, and your elderly father.
Please allow your new caregiving family to support you through this difficult time, and let any of the caregivers on here know if you have any questions or need help.
Hugs.

All, thank you for your answers. I have found that this web site has truly helped me. My precious mother passed away with grace on May 30. It was still a shock for me. Please keep my father, age 84, and myself in your prayers of comfort. I am here for anyone else dealing with any issues. Again, thank you.

Sharadale, I am so pleased that you talked to your SIL and, since she is a Hospice nurse, you feel better! She thinks your mom has the same thing my hubby and I do, bad "sleep hygiene." That's what the doctors call having your days and nights mixed up now. Like you mom, when we know we have to get up at a certain time and prepare for an appointment, we are able to do it. When we are enjoying reading or talking about politics or something, we see no reason for the clock to tell us when to go to bed. Then, we sleep in. I am delighted about your mom. It does sound as if you mom is in good health. As you said about yourself, she is in better health than I am! (mainly osteoarthritis) So, I'll tell you the same thing as I did last night. Relax and enjoy your mom. My heart and prayers are with you.

Well I finally got a call back from my sister in law who is a hospice nurse. She listened to all my info and said it sounded like she had her night and day mixed up since she was reading the paper and watching tv during the night and going from her bed to her reclining chair. Yesterday I told her that we had to start planing for her doctor's appointment on Monday and that if she didn't get up in the morning we would not be able to go. Today she was up and dressed at 11:00. She at all her meals and even came out to the table for her dinner. She always has the choice and if she chooses to stay in her room, I sometimes go in with her. This evening she took a shower and washed her hair and then after hearing the weather report she was mad because the tropical storm was bringing severe storms our way starting just around time of her doctor's appointment and she didn't want to go. But she was much more active and I told her how happy I was and asked if she wanted to go grocery shopping, but she declined and just gave me her list.?
I did not know about the strips for the UTI's and will pick that up. I ask her about the status of her bathroom habits and she usually tells me if she has a problem. She gets a fiber and probiotic capsule every evening with her medicine at dinner to try to prevent any constipation. She is on no pain medicine and only takes Plavix, Raloxifene, which is something for her breast cancer ( cancer free five years)' medodirne for the orthostatic hypotension, a couple of breathing things for her COPD and metoprolol for high BP. For 91 that is a tremendously few pills. I take many more than her!
I think that I am going to plan some activity that she may enjoy, even if it is at home such as Skyping the grands and great grands, to give her something to get up for. It may just be boredom and bad habits to keep her in bed.

Reading through the answers above, I see many people struggling because they are not familiar with the dying process. Hospice workers are there to support the family as well as the patient, so never be afraid to ask them for advice. Also, an excellent resource for details on dying and the grieving process can be found here: bkbooks. I was present with both my parents and my twin sister when they died. Fortunately, I had researched what to expect which I believe made it much easier for me to accept what I was witnessing.

Gershun, I guess they gave our moms the same treatment. They gave my mom a shot, then started her on morphine like they did your mom. My mom looked very peaceful on the last day. I knew she could hear, because she prepared her lips for chap stick. So, I talked to her, sang along with her favorite songs, read to her. I am sure you did whatever you could to make your mom comfortable, too. We have to live with peace in our hearts that we did what we thought was the best for our moms. We can't change anything now, so there is no need to wonder if they suffered. The question I was asking 1RareOne was because of the choices I am making for my own living will and legal papers. I think we should feel very good that we loved our moms so much that even now we are
talking about them. We can have peace and love in our hearts and smile when we think of them.

Hi Sharadale, I am sure all of the other answers are right and the end is not too far away. With my mom, though, the few days before she passed away she didn't want anything except a little ice water. The fact that your mom drinks water and eats what you leave out for her and is alert at night and gets up to to ice cream seems active to me. If she is on pain medication or any kind of medication that would sedate her, maybe she has her cycle mixed up like I do. My hubby and I are both retired and we are avid readers/TV waters/nappers. So, there are times I will read until sunrise and the same with him. We sleep until we wake up unless we have doctors' appointments or commitments. There are some who say that is poor "sleep hygiene." Most of our friends and I agree that we have worked all of our lives (and I worked 14 after retirement) for the right to do what we want when we want. I've read that people who stay up late tend to snack or overeat, but I don't do that. I do drink an extra glass of water and make an extra trip to the bathroom. So, maybe your mom has just reversed her days and nights? I think making sure she is not constipated is important. Keep her water glass full. Maybe a call to the doctor would make you feel better? Are all of your legal papers in order? I found pre-planning my mom's funeral was a relief, too. It kept me from making emotional decisions at the time of her death. I think you are doing as everything you can, and I am sure the late night ice cream sessions are fun for both of you! Just relax and enjoy your mom. You will know when she shows a dramatic difference and you will need to follow through with your plans. My mom was already in AL, so I called Hospice. My heart and prayers are with you and so is the support of a lot of people here. Take care of yourself and enjoy your mom.

Dad loved ice cream, too. That is what made me think about him. I would buy ice cream cones and sandwiches that he could get from the freezer anytime he wanted one. I'd often peek in on him to see him munching his ice cream. Oh... and he loved boiled or scrambled eggs. Sorry for rambling. I was just remembering how it was.

Sharadale, it sounds like you're doing everything right. When my father was in his last year I would make things for him, but wouldn't make him eat it if he didn't want to. I left snacks about so he could get the things he wanted when he wanted him. He enjoyed cookies and little snack cakes. He loved the pecan twirls. Fruit was also a favorite. He didn't want the bulky things and would often discretely dispose of it behind the curtain or under the table.

If you wonder about things like UTIs, but you don't want to go to the doctor, you can buy some of the AZO urine test strips. They are pretty sensitive, so will let you know if there is something to worry about.

Is your mother in late-stage lung disease? It takes away a lot of energy, I know. It may be that you are doing everything right and the rest is in God's hands. I found comfort when my father was so ill in putting it in God's hands, even though I'm not overly religious. There are things we can't control. The only thing we can do is be there for them.

Can you check her O, 2 stats at home?

Sharadale, Next time Mom is awake, ambulate her to the bathroom, start keeping track of BM's-or maybe you already do that. Drinking water is great. More water!

I think you need to let her doctor know what is going on and get their response.

Sharadale, My advice, just don't panic.
You said, "Later at night she will wake up, we hang out, and eat ice cream"
Of course, on Monday you will want to check with health personnel, especially for UTI and constipation, unless you can detect this yourself. But you have noticed a change. Be sure her new room is cooled enough. Some people prefer a schedule of late-night wakefulness.
If there is any congestion, or if the ice cream makes mucous, change to sherbert and jello. Just reviewing some basics, in general. Others will know your mother's issues better.
If you want, start a new thread to ask other caregivers to walk you through this.
It's okay to ask for help. I care about you and your family, and want to help, at least to facilitate your getting the help you need.
I could not help to notice when other daughters went through this, they were acutely aware of changes in their Moms. Remembering Hope, Katie, Jeannette, Lucky, and others. There will be support and advice for you, too, at whatever level of clinical/physical caregiving is needed.
I am thinking constipation could explain your mother's symptoms today.

My mother is not refusing to drink. I leave a big cup of water several times a day and she drinks it. She will eat if I leave her food. The problem is that she sleeps all day long. I just went in and asked if she would like to eat dinner with us, she mumbled no. I asked if she wanted to eat in her room and again she mumbled no. Seeing her sleep and her face looking anything but restful, is making me scared. Later at night she will wake and we will hang out and she will eat ice cream, but I am so unfamiliar with the dying process I don't know if that is what is going on. She doesn't have a temp and is not complaining about anything but being tired. Please give me some advice

Near the end, my mother did loose interest in eating and drinking, but she did not die from starvation. She had one final stroke and died. Unless an older person is depressed, I think the choice not to eat or drink is a sign that the end is at hand. Sounds like it is time to bring in Hospice.

I do not believe that a dying person should have food a water withheld if they want it. When they are close to death and refuse sustenance that is another matter and their wishes should be followed. I do not see it as starving to death it is just the natural course of the body shutting down.. Dehydration does not seem to be painful although having a very dry mouth is uncomfortable but this is easy to avoid with proper mouth care.
Gershun euthanasia is the deliberate administration of medications that will ensure death in a very short time. Like having an animal put to sleep. The side effects from some drugs used to ensure comfort at the end of life may appear to shorten life but that is not the intention. You have to ask yourself if you would rather see your loved one quiet and peaceful or screaming in pain and fear throwing themselves all over the bed.

I still have a lot of questions and doubts about the whole dying process. When my mom was admitted to hospital for her last days they advised comfort care which entailed no water, no nutrition of any kind. Basically starving to death. They gave her something for secretions and morphine to make her comfortable. I still have a hard time seeing the diffference between this and euthanasia. I've been told that people go into a type of euphoria during this process. I want to believe this but who really knows what the person is feeling. The doctors who say this have never experienced it so I guess they measure it in medical ways such as blood pressure etc. I hope that my Mom was not suffering.

1RareFind, I am curious about something and you sound knowledgeable about it. In my living will directive, I have included DNR and "I do not want to be in pain or hungry." If I am left to die naturally and I am unable to eat, that means my body will slowly shut down. I have experienced it with my parents and with reading here that most people are unable to talk on the last day(s) of life. Will my body shut down, in other words starve, and will I be in pain? My parents didn't seem to be in pain, but how could I know? This may sound naïve to most, but I had never thought of it this way until your postings. I might want to change my directives. If it is legal, I have included that my preference is euthanasia and explained at what point. Thanks for any enlightenment.

Hangingon61, I can say that as an abuse survivor, starvation is extremely uncomfortable and yes, it can be very painful depending on how your body reacts to it. I survived starvation, so I know what I'm saying since I experienced it.

This sounds to me like part of the dying process. This is pretty typical but I'm not sure if it's true of all cases since each case is different. I would suspect this as part of the dying process at her age since many of them tend to experience their organs shutting down. In cases like this, food and drink can be more of a discomfort since the food and water just sits there undigested

What medications has she been given? It is possible that they administered something that took away her appetite or in somewhat harmed her ability to act rationally. You might want to inquire about that and then investigate the medications online at a site like. All three allow you to check for interactions with any other medications she is on. Check to see if those have been continued while she is in the care of others. One common problem drug is Haldol (haloperidol), which many nurses and doctors believe is a sedative. It isn't a particularly effective one, and can lead to poor outcomes when used inappropriately.

Sally B did you say that to die from starvation is not painful?
I've always heard it is extremely painful or does that only pertain to non-humans?

My MIL lost the will to live and went thru everything you mentioned. The home she is in can help you set up Hospice right there. Your Mom will be made comfortable. Her body and mind are telling her she is not hungry. Its probably time to let go. Prayers go with u.

What quality of life are you trying extend? What else are the diagnosis on your Mother? I know it is HARD because it is your Mother? Ask Hospice to come in and they will be able to look at all the records and help you. Remember to keep talking to her and around her with those that come in. If you offer her water, ensure (her favorite flavor), ice cream and she does not want it is her decision.
Share earlier life times and things that made HER the happiest with her.
God is always awake and you can talk to him too.