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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Your profile says your mom has age related decline. Does she also have dementia? The reason that I ask is that if she is repeatedly asking you the same question that it is causing you distress, then it seems that it might be more than age related decline. I might check with her doctor to see if that is indeed what is happening. I might rule out some kind of treatable illness, infection, deafness or other condition. But if it is dementia, then there is likely nothing that can be done, except to calmly repeat the answers back to her.
Remember that each time she asks you the question, it's like the first time for her. So, she's not likely to know why you are impatient with your answer. And telling her that she is repeating herself is not helpful, because she may not believe you and plus, she won't remember it and she will ask you again anyway.
What I ended up doing with my loved one was repeating the answer as calmly as possible as often as she asked me, and after hundreds of times, I would try to change the subject. So, I would switch the conversation to her hairstyle, her outfit, her photos, the weather, lunch, anything else. I might give a short answer to her question and then move on to another topic as to avoid her dwelling on that one thing.
Often the question can be an obsession that they get stuck on. Like, when am I going home? Where is my husband? (He may be deceased.) No answers will likely satisfy them, no matter how often you repeat it, since it's constantly running in their head. Even writing it down, will not work, since they don't have the focus to read it and often cannot process the written words.
There are a lot of threads on this sight about this question. I'd read them and develop your own way of dealing with your mom based on her situation and condition.
If you tell her " I already told you" then you will be the one repeating yourself. Once during a hurricane, we had lost power, and I had four over 80 at my house. One with diagnosed dementia. Another not far behind. She would say, in a very conversational tone, not complaining."Why don't you turn on the lights." Then I would hear another say. "that's what I asked her!" Sometimes I would explain that the power was out. " ohhhh, she would say". Then she would ask again and I would say " whoops, I guess I forgot". She would say something like " don't worry honey, I forget all the time." Then. " where's my purse" would start up interchangeable with " why don't you turn on the lights?" There were 12 other adults in the house and 4 dogs. No little kids. It was still a zoo. Every time someone would come into the kitchen where the elders were gathered, they would good naturedly say " why don't you turn on the lights." Or " Where's my purse. " we would all laugh and the elders would laugh too. It's a happy memory now but it was temporary. Two of them died within 90 days of that event. I think if you can distract and bring up another subject it can sometimes help. They truly don't remember that they just asked the question or the answer you gave. Distract yourself as well with deep breathing or kegals or touching your toes. Others will come along and give you what works for them. Hugs to you and mom.
Yes. It was funny. We put her purse in her coffin with her. She was an amazing woman. Her husband died one month and one day before her. She was in a wheel chair. When taps was played at his funeral, she stood up and put her hand on her heart. Everyone was amazed. Not a dry eye. Nice to remember her with you.
My Mom does the same thing. Sometimes I just keep answering the same question. Sometimes I quickly change the subject which seems to work very well. Good Luck. I know what you mean.
When your Mum asks the same question again and again, just answer it as if it is the first time she has asked it. Keep up the same patter, for your own sanity. Your Mum doesn't know she is repeating herself. Don'y get angry with her, it is not her fault. All the best. Arlene Hutcheon
My mom's "obsession" is: WHAT DAY IS TODAY? Forgot how to read the calendar, so I have 10 calendars all over the house for decorative purposes only. ?.....haha Ah, I said, I will write what day it is on a white erase board, well 2. Hallway and kitchen. Every Day Every day. She forgot to look at it, so it goes, What's Today? Breathe in, control your tone of voice, and state what day it is. Not Easy, but she has no clue whatsoever that it is her favorite question. I will have a nervous breakdown if I take it personally. Sunday, M88
My Mom is doing the same thing, especially now because her world has been turned tipsy turvy. Her husband of 34 years passed away 10 days ago and they recently moved into AL after 20+ years in the same house. I've been with her helping her pack to move her home with me (although many on this forum have warned me against it.). She keeps asking the same questions over and over, mostly about money, the burial, have we told "so and so" etc. I've realized that it's best to answer calmly as many times as she needs to hear the info. She's actually starting to remember some of the answers, but then the other night in the middle of the night she asked me if her hubby had died. SAD FACE. I keep reminding myself just how lost she must feel. She's actually cut down on the questions a bit, so I'm hopeful that she's not feeling as insecure. The first few nights after ALL day questions, I told her it was time to relax our brains and get "lost" in the tv shows. That actually seemed to work, only because evening TV and or reading has always been a part of her routine.
When my dad is anxious he tends to ask the same questions over and over again. I try to redirect him to another subject. I may ask if he wants some tea or ice cream or bring out the picture albums to distract him. Also, music seems to calm him down and lessens the questioning.
I just keep answering. Over and over. They don't know they asked it. Remember, this is a DISEASE. Keep that in mind and it will help with your patience. I learned in group: Get into their world. . . . .
Last Sunday Mom asked me how old she was at least 10 times and where do we live at least 10 times. As I answered the question, each as though it was the first time, when I finished speaking, she asked me the same thing again! Wow. I used to say, "Do you remember you just asked me that and I told you", but I stopped because I know she doesn't remember the previous 9 times. Sometimes I'll ask her what SHE thinks is the answer and that might be enough to distract her, thinking of how to reply. "Redirecting" to a different topic might or might not work. Taking her out on the patio might be enough of a distraction to stop the questions. When I have my "Popeye moment" ("It's all I can stands and I can't stands no more" (right before the can of spinach pops out of my shirt)...then we have to leave. Sometimes, after 20 replies, you just can't say it again. I will chomp on my spinach during the week and will be ready for more of the same at next Sunday's visit.
I identify with your predicament. When in PA, 50% of the time, I visit my mom every day and she expects a huge bunch of news each day. Difficult. When I tell her a big new story--she forgets it immediately. Frustrating.
Let me say that I was not endowed with a lot of patience, so...
My solution is:
DO things (go for a ride, play cards, play scrabble, eat...)
At this stage, conversation is no longer entertainment; it is a kind of ordeal.
Keep visits frequent and short. I stay as long as I can handle it (about 40-60 minutes). I visit every day...almost.
Whenever I knew this was going to happen ie; a car ride or the like, I would do this- I would write "going to store" on a piece of paper. She would put the paper into her purse and ask the question again- I would point to her purse and she would fiddle with the purse and take out the piece of paper and read it. The elapsed time of the zipping and unzipping and folding and unfolding the paper gave her something to DO and me some time inbetween the inevitable question..... where I would again Point at the purse.
Oh My Goodness, what a timely issue for me. We just returned from visiting my MIL. She has about 10 questions she repeats the entire time we are with her. Yes, it's frustrating and emotionally exhausting, but it seems just calmly replying is the only way to handle the situation. The part that is really heartbreaking is when she tells us her (deceased) older brother is going to pick her up to visit her (long-deceased) Mama. She also thinks our adult children are still in high school and living with us. As long as she's not upset we can deal with it.
Mom wanted to watch mexican soap operas (not the narcotraffic kind, tons of bullets and all that), but the romantic ones. It got to the point where, as in soap operas goes, haha, there are too many characters involved. The dad, step mom, sister, boyfriend, boyfriend's brother, you get my drift. Ok, so at one point the bright writer decided that 2 ladies were going to have a baby at the veeeeery same time, and the babies were going to be switched from one mom to the other......................................I am confused, ahhahaha.................. So Mom started with the i-n-e-v-i-t-a-b-l-e unending question: WHOSE BABY IS THAT ONE??????????????? over and over and over again. I was pretty frustrated because here WE are WATCHING together IN peace AND she IS interrupting THE soap WITH the QUESTION of the BABY.............. AAARRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Grabbed a piece of paper and wrote:
Felicia's baby is dead. Margarita's baby is alive.
When she started to ask WHOSE.....................I would point to her paper. HAHA, just like Mica 393, exactly like it, so while mom fumbled on end table looking for paper, I kept watching.
Then I decided: NO MORE SOAPS! NO MORE! I AM GOING NUTS HERE!
Now we only watch "no brainer" things, like oh, we reeeeeaaaally like the Steve Harvey show on Sunday nights where he has small children "prodigies", uf, cannot remember the name of it..............hahahaha, one of you is going to point to a paper and SHOW ME!!! HA!
I know Salisbury that it was funny when someone held up a sign to answer the same question over and over, but it gave me an idea and I, too, will write down an answer in Big Black Felt Pen on a piece of paper so when mom asks the same question over & over I just hand her the paper. My sister said it was INSENSITIVE. Oh yea? Really? Well, I don't see my sister over here night & day answering the same question. She visits ONCE a week. I live here. And I'll tell you, it really helped my sanity and mood. Especially when she asks if so and so committed suicide. No, mom, she died of cancer. I have it written down now, and it has helped me A LOT. !!!
They all do it eventually. And, unfortunately, so will we! When Mom could still hear and comprehend, talking to her sometimes was like a "who's on first" routine. And yes, I did get pretty annoyed about the 10th time she asked the question, but just changed the subject. At first we wrote things on the white board to remind her. That worked for a year or so until the dementia and memory got worse. Then she would forget to look at the board and eventually couldn't comprehend the board, or couldn't remember reading the board. As I said, we all get there eventually. I just hope when I do, that there is someone with a lot of patience taking care of me!
I am the primary caregiver for my mother-in-law. She has vascular dementia which is progressing very quickly. About the time she was diagnosed she began to repeat the same questions over and over. I learned quickly that it does no good whatsoever to tell the person you already told them. You have to summon up all your patience and understanding and just answer the question. You might be frustrated but be aware of your tome of voice because she will think you are mad at her. This stage lasted less than 1 year for my MIL. I know, sounds like a long time, but now I would give anything if she could ask me the same question repeatedly. Like many others have advised, redirecting is helpful.
yep it works! My mother can still read clear concise short note. But ya, she lost the ability to see notes posted on wall/mirror/calendar Long ago. This faze is short, my mothers inquiries are weak now, she doesnt press for answers anymore....
"And, unfortunately, so will we!" Oh, bite your tongue, AmyGrace. Hopefully, by the time WE reach that age, they will have found a cure/medication or come up with a way to reverse it or have found a way to spare us the same fate.
That's exactly why I'm eating all the fat, salt and sugar I want and hopefully I will die of complications from doing that WAY before I get dementia, loose my mind and put my family through h*ll. I think I would be too "chicken" to commit suicide but I see why Robin Williams took the road he did. I don't want anyone having to take care of me!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Remember that each time she asks you the question, it's like the first time for her. So, she's not likely to know why you are impatient with your answer. And telling her that she is repeating herself is not helpful, because she may not believe you and plus, she won't remember it and she will ask you again anyway.
What I ended up doing with my loved one was repeating the answer as calmly as possible as often as she asked me, and after hundreds of times, I would try to change the subject. So, I would switch the conversation to her hairstyle, her outfit, her photos, the weather, lunch, anything else. I might give a short answer to her question and then move on to another topic as to avoid her dwelling on that one thing.
Often the question can be an obsession that they get stuck on. Like, when am I going home? Where is my husband? (He may be deceased.) No answers will likely satisfy them, no matter how often you repeat it, since it's constantly running in their head. Even writing it down, will not work, since they don't have the focus to read it and often cannot process the written words.
There are a lot of threads on this sight about this question. I'd read them and develop your own way of dealing with your mom based on her situation and condition.
Once during a hurricane, we had lost power, and I had four over 80 at my house. One with diagnosed dementia. Another not far behind. She would say, in a very conversational tone, not complaining."Why don't you turn on the lights." Then I would hear another say. "that's what I asked her!" Sometimes I would explain that the power was out. " ohhhh, she would say". Then she would ask again and I would say
" whoops, I guess I forgot". She would say something like " don't worry honey, I forget all the time." Then. " where's my purse" would start up interchangeable with " why don't you turn on the lights?"
There were 12 other adults in the house and 4 dogs. No little kids. It was still a zoo. Every time someone would come into the kitchen where the elders were gathered, they would good naturedly say " why don't you turn on the lights." Or " Where's my purse. " we would all laugh and the elders would laugh too.
It's a happy memory now but it was temporary. Two of them died within 90 days of that event.
I think if you can distract and bring up another subject it can sometimes help. They truly don't remember that they just asked the question or the answer you gave. Distract yourself as well with deep breathing or kegals or touching your toes.
Others will come along and give you what works for them. Hugs to you and mom.
Forgot how to read the calendar, so I have 10 calendars all over the house for decorative purposes only. ?.....haha
Ah, I said, I will write what day it is on a white erase board, well 2.
Hallway and kitchen.
Every
Day
Every
day.
She forgot to look at it, so it goes,
What's
Today?
Breathe in, control your tone of voice, and state what day it is.
Not
Easy, but she has no clue whatsoever that it is her favorite question.
I will have a nervous breakdown if I take it personally.
Sunday, M88
I keep reminding myself just how lost she must feel. She's actually cut down on the questions a bit, so I'm hopeful that she's not feeling as insecure. The first few nights after ALL day questions, I told her it was time to relax our brains and get "lost" in the tv shows. That actually seemed to work, only because evening TV and or reading has always been a part of her routine.
I used to say, "Do you remember you just asked me that and I told you", but I stopped because I know she doesn't remember the previous 9 times. Sometimes I'll ask her what SHE thinks is the answer and that might be enough to distract her, thinking of how to reply.
"Redirecting" to a different topic might or might not work. Taking her out on the patio might be enough of a distraction to stop the questions.
When I have my "Popeye moment" ("It's all I can stands and I can't stands no more" (right before the can of spinach pops out of my shirt)...then we have to leave. Sometimes, after 20 replies, you just can't say it again. I will chomp on my spinach during the week and will be ready for more of the same at next Sunday's visit.
Let me say that I was not endowed with a lot of patience, so...
My solution is:
DO things (go for a ride, play cards, play scrabble, eat...)
At this stage, conversation is no longer entertainment; it is a kind of ordeal.
Keep visits frequent and short. I stay as long as I can handle it (about 40-60 minutes). I visit every day...almost.
She would put the paper into her purse and ask the question again-
I would point to her purse and she would fiddle with the purse and take out the piece of paper and read it.
The elapsed time of the zipping and unzipping and folding and unfolding the paper gave her something to DO and me some time inbetween the inevitable question..... where I would again Point at the purse.
I couldn't do that but I sure identified with the feeling!
It got to the point where, as in soap operas goes, haha, there are too many characters involved. The dad, step mom, sister, boyfriend, boyfriend's brother, you get my drift.
Ok, so at one point the bright writer decided that 2 ladies were going to have a baby at the veeeeery same time, and the babies were going to be switched from one mom to the other......................................I am confused, ahhahaha..................
So
Mom
started
with the
i-n-e-v-i-t-a-b-l-e
unending question: WHOSE BABY IS THAT ONE???????????????
over
and
over
and
over
again.
I was pretty frustrated because here WE are WATCHING together IN peace AND she IS interrupting THE soap WITH the QUESTION of the BABY..............
AAARRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Grabbed a piece of paper and wrote:
Felicia's baby is dead.
Margarita's baby is alive.
When she started to ask WHOSE.....................I would point to her paper. HAHA, just like Mica 393, exactly like it, so while mom fumbled on end table looking for paper, I kept watching.
Then I decided: NO MORE SOAPS! NO MORE! I AM GOING NUTS HERE!
Now we only watch "no brainer" things, like oh, we reeeeeaaaally like the Steve Harvey show on Sunday nights where he has small children "prodigies", uf, cannot remember the name of it..............hahahaha, one of you is going to point to a paper and SHOW ME!!!
HA!
M88 :^`]
M88
This faze is short, my mothers inquiries are weak now, she doesnt press for answers anymore....
That's exactly why I'm eating all the fat, salt and sugar I want and hopefully I will die of complications from doing that WAY before I get dementia, loose my mind and put my family through h*ll. I think I would be too "chicken" to commit suicide but I see why Robin Williams took the road he did. I don't want anyone having to take care of me!