Elderly mother with dementia across country needs help. Cultural issues, I’m confused and stuck. Advice?
My husband and I both work full time and have 2 children, one with autism. We don’t live near any family and it is rough already. I have depression and anxiety.
while I love my mother we are not close. She is religious, from another country, Hispanic culture and unfortunately was my fathers care taker ( he was very ill) when I was a child. I am an Only child. I moved out at 17. She moved across country when my father passed away to be near her family. I see her every few years. In the last couple years many of her people have moved back to their country or to other states in the US. but she is still there.
during covid her mental state declined. I started doing all her banking and paperwork. But when I started arranging things like meal delivery and safety checks, in-home care and cleaning help I was thwarted by family who insist that only FAMILY can care for each other. A lot of phone calls guilt tripping me that I haven’t moved her out to be with me. That it is my duty. I never got this memo. That at some point I would have to physically take care of her.
in the meantime she is not safe in my opinion. We have a tiny home where we were working and schooling during Covid, no extra bedrooms, no air conditioning, etc.
this has been going on for months. I don’t have POA yet. I believe I could get it. I think what I’ll do is just move her out to my home and figure it out from here. I do care about her but I’m being honest about not being able to literally take care of her myself because of my life and circumstances.
I just feel awful all the time. Any advice is welcome but please be gentle I’m already on the ledge.
10 Answers
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You also have two children, one more dependent on you, and a husband, and a job. Your mother made her own choices in moving so far away from you and preferring to be with her original family: respect her known preferences and do not uproot her from the community she decided to call home.
How exactly did these other family members manage to thwart the very sensible and practical plans you were putting in place?
Going on their opinion, they should then help you with this.
When the guilt calls come, start asking them what they are able to do, can they help financially, do any of them have large homes? Explain to them that you have nowhere to put her and no extra money to pay for at-home care. If they refuse, remind them of the family rule.
It is a lovely sentiment that family takes care of family, they should then live by those words that they believe in.
Just don't let guilt define your life ( yeah, I don't know how to do that either...)
I am sorry, it sounds like a really tough situation.
Keep Mom where she is. Her Dementia will worsen so she really needs to be in at least an Assisted living if she can afford it. If not a Nursing facility with Medicaid paying for her care.
Yes, since family has been thwarting your effort to get her care, ask them if they want to care for her. Your sure you can work out a financial agreement. You have good reasons why you cannot care for her in your home. Have a child with challenges is a very good reason. Your time and energy needs to go towards him.
Call APS in Moms county. Ask if they could do a "well check" and get back to you on what they find. Do not allow them to talk u into bringing her to your home. Dementia people are like small children. You never know what they will do from moment to moment. It will be like having 2 special needs children. And, they tend to wander at night. So, your sleep is interrupted. Not good for people who need to work.
My daughter is reading a book called Borders by Townsend and Cloud. She says it is really good. It does look at the religion and how boundries plays with it. She isn't religious but says its interesting how people misinterpret the Bible. Churches tend to put their own spin on it. She was able to find it free and download it.
Look around the many threads here and you will find many many people regret ever moving their parents in with them, or them into their parents' homes. Read these threads and find out the reasons. Do that before the reasons find you in your home.
If you think it is in her best interests to be near you, look for a clean, pleasant Assisted Living facility and move her there. The advantage to placing her in a nearby facility is that you will be able to manage her care more easily than from a distance.
STOP listening to her “loving” relatives. Don’t answer their phone calls. Although YOU are ultimately responsible for dealing with any guilt you may feel right now, THEY have NO RIGHT to attempt to impose any guilt on you.
You have many responsibilities NOW. In order to continue to give your own family the care they deserve, you must establish a balance between your family’s needs and your mother’s.
You have already realized that your current home cannot accommodate another resident.
Go back to what you’ve written, and re-read the statement “I do care about her but I’m being honest…….” You must now be honest to anyone who attempts to persuade you to assume responsibility that is not yours.
Your decision to find good care for her is the only task you should be interested in taking on. You are a good, respectful human being, and a good daughter.
Now, be sure you are being good to YOURSELF, and your husband and children as well.
In fact, I have a big mouthed cousin who is always calling my 94+ year old mother who's wheelchair bound and living in a Memory Care Assisted Living place 4 miles from me. She tells her she should come live with her 3500 miles away in a 3 story walk up home in NYC where she'd just LOOOOVE to care for her! I told my mother to ask her when she's leaving to come pick her up? And to remind her she'll need a wheelchair accessible van and to install an elevator in her house immediately, for starters. She can call me to discuss the Depends and incontinence problems and how many boxes she'll need to order per month. Snicker. Needless to say, no phone calls to me are ever made, just the "talk is cheap" offers being made all the time with no intention to follow thru.
Please don't allow your family members to dictate what YOU need to do for your mother. Let common sense prevail along with the needs of your children and husband who come first. You can help your mother apply for Medicaid so she can be placed in Skilled Nursing if and when the time comes that it's required. In the meantime, do what you feel is right for your mother and ignore the messages from "well meaning" relatives.
Best of luck
is hard to find. I can barely leave my house, she talks about the same couple of things everyday, over and over, all I do is cook and clean (she and her two pups are very messy in some pretty intense ways), I’m missing out on important family events, I had to quit my job, I lost money on a special vacation I had planned months and months ago. I’m not complaining, I love my grandma- but, if you have time to really think about the best option for EVERYONE that MATTERS (you, children, husband, mom), please take that time. Also think about your boundaries now, cooking 4x a day, adult diaper changes, medical decisions, financial decisions…