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Last night, the in law's night/weekend aide went to ER. Significant other told MIL that he couldn't be spending the nights over there, nor realistically could Brother and his wife. That there had to be a backup.


For the first time, MIL agreed. We gave her the name of an agency recommended to us by health care pros. Other agencies are plentiful.


My question: Do any agencies have arrangements where they go at the last minute, no contract, for say 2 or 3 times the regular rate? Or agencies where you pay to have an on-call arrangement?

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As long as your SO isn't going to do it, why not let your BIL and wife figure it out? Aren't you trying to back out of being so involved?
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Brother and his wife already spent the night there. And SO will probably spend the night tonight. While I've been warning for several months that such an emergency could happen, a solution might not be found literally today. I'm not going to be an ogre about that part.

SO told his mother straight out that he could not keep doing the overnights, nor could Brother and his wife. Not even for a week. Probably less. The mother does understand this, and for the first time is open to getting more help now, which will hopefully transition into a third person. Doing 120+ hours/week for over a year alone might put someone into the ER, even someone as durable as the night/weekend indy. Plus, introducing someone with more experience would mean there'd be someone there capable of handling needs as they arise in a skillful way without triggering concerns about, for example, the person seeing the client's penis or lifting them correctly. Things that have come up already and are likely to be exacerbated.

There's now urgency in having a more solid care plan. I'm actually relieved about that, as well as how I heard SO address his mom and her agreeing that it will NOT WORK for anyone in the family to be spending overnights with them. I felt no FOG from her this time. SO was very firm and she pledged to get on it right away. Like today. There is no discussion about how it has to be a friend of some Mrs. So and So in the neighborhood or how we owe them, or dawdling around indefinite weeks. There is a sense of urgency now.

Anyway, advice on any in-home emergency respite?
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Looks to me that in-laws need more care than an IL can provide. Its time for an Assisted living for both of them. The cost of IL plus the cost of aides will probably be as much as an AL. And, you don't have to worry about if an aide shows up or not. No need for anyone to spend the night.
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PeggySue2020 Dec 2021
Thanks Joann. Unfortunately, any talk of an AL at this point will immediately be rejected even if parsed in that they go into AL respite for a couple of days. No one can say anything about ALs to them. Not yet.

Their out of pocket exceeded what an AL might cost even before the indy's health crisis. In fact, they could make their house into their own private AL on their own money, which would be their decision. For now, they see how unfair it would be to brother and especially SO to have their spouses sleeping apart. Because I have to. I literally cannot be there for more than a couple of hours because of their cat and the allergies.






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It depends on where you live. You say agencies are plentiful, then you might be able to find one.

We went through this. No agency within an hour from us will come out for respite, even emergency respite. I was told they are limited on employees, and the employees call the shots. The employees decide which jobs to take in advance and which cities to go to. Plus, they all insist on contracts where we are with monthly minimums that would cost my Mom her whole SS check.

We did find agencies that offer visiting/companion care only. No hands on. No lifting, touching or changing depends on patients - that will come out on a limited basis. But, not for emergencies.

The only true emergency respite I have ever heard of is supposedly Hospice does this. However, when we cared for my Dad with Hospice in the past it was not available to us.
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PeggySue2020 Dec 2021
Thanks Lavender. I'm just thinking that if you offered someone say $80-$100 hour with no contract, that might entice some. Of course it would be expensive, but SO and Brother both know they can well afford it and won't move. No one's going to deal with not being around their spouses to care for them, at least mine will not. And for the first time ever, MIL appeared to have acknowledged this. By next week, I'm gonna start getting mad and so will the rest of the family. Which she knows.

They want to stay in their home and we're not going to do 24/7. That's crystal. I just hope they find someone to make that possible. Because they cannot ask him.
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So...the indy aide had some kidney stones but says she will be back Friday. And the ILs are just like "we'll manage" until then, so they aren't asking SO to sleep over.

Hey, it is their decision and their life to just think that this human working 120+ hours a week won't just fail in the next year. It is strange as they offered to gift her a free trip back to her home country, which is not cheap. If they want to do this or if she fails, it however has been made clear to everyone that overnights won't be an option for either of their sons beyond a day or two.

Up to them how they live their lives, I guess.
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Most Nursing Homes have some Respite Care beds. Thete is usually a minimum stay of a few days and you pay out-of-pocket.
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Get connected with a local social worker to have someone to talk to, and with senior networks. You can also discuss your needs with the Agency. Be aware that there is a shortage of workers right now. You may not have as many choices as you would if there were more people looking for these jobs.
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Sure beats permanent placement after one incident which I’ve seen recommended by pro-Assisted Living agencies (where there are incentives to place). My SIL took care of my brother with Parkinson’s until he died despite his occasionally need for hospitalization and/or rehab center care. He was in continent, unable to walk or, ultimately speak. I was not so courageous; I placed my 86 yr old mom in assisted living shortly after my father died of a heart attack.
My advice: do what you need to without all the whining about how awful the person is to care for or how selfish other family members are for not helping with care. Its ok to take care of yourself. It’s not healthy or mature to become resentful and bitter.
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PeggySue2020 Dec 2021
The ILs are not now researching now that the indy has come back. That's their choice, even as they know that neither SO or his brother nor even brother's wife will move on in there with them for very long, like less than a week.

They recognized that boundary. That's all I want.
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PeggySue2020: Imho, you should contact a local social worker.
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Health care agencies can have their own plans for coverage when one of their employees has an emergency. Solo caregivers usually do not. Better to start talking to home health care agencies about this.
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