I'm one of those 'highly sensitive' people - an empath who absorbs others' stress and energy, to the point of my own depletion. I try to limit exposure to things that stress me out, though the pandemic and social crises of the last few years have not helped. The primary problem: my widowed 93 year old father lives alone, 3000 miles away. We kids are all on the west coast, and he's on the east coast. He's always been a very difficult person; overly critical, irritable, self-centered and doesn't recognize that people, especially family members, are separate entities with different opinions and boundaries. (He does have good qualities but the negative ones stand out the most to his family.)
Anyway, he developed Parkinson's about 5 years ago, and his memory problems are getting worse. He passed his mini-mental at the neurologist's recently with flying colors, though I realize people can pull themselves together when they are to be tested. I'd say he's 'himself' about 75 percent of the time, but his short term memory is awful; he can call several times a day without remembering that he did. And he has episodes of paranoia and occasional visual and auditory hallucinations.
Because I am the "nice" kid in my family, a long-recovering "good girl," he leans on me more than the others. In life, I am a dogged problem-solver, too much so - I realize it's a way to control my anxiety about things. His needs over the years have grown exponentially, with constant long-distance computer, phone and TV troubleshooting, plus a 'short' conversation takes 30-60 min because he won't wear his hearing aids, and thinks and expresses himself so slowly. We sibs share some of the troubleshooting, but he calls me more because even though I work full time, I'm easier to reach and more emotionally 'available' to him. I do set limits - but as he gets more forgetful, they don't work well. (I've said "I can't chat during the week, just on weekends.") Some people might say 'just block his number' but I don't feel I can turn my back on him like that. If I don't return calls, he texts repeatedly in a mild sort of panic. I often ignore it but it keeps up.
The secondary problem is that we've been trying to get him some in-home practical help so he's not calling us all the time. But - bet you can guess - he won't hear of it. He has a grocery shopper and house cleaner for now, a younger friend, though he may lose her soon. We've been trying to get him to move to where we live, and he pretends that he wants to, but refuses to let anyone else help sort through his house with 50 years of belongings. He must look at every piece of paper and ancient travel brochure, decades of old stuff. It takes him a week or two just to go through one box. He thinks he wants to rent his house out if he comes to live here. It needs to be "empty" he says. He won't entertain any notion of locking up the place, and leaving it for us kids to deal with after he's gone. He obsesses that we'll throw out some important papers... like a work letter of commendation he got 40 years ago. We promise we won't do that (fibbing), but he still won't budge. He'll let us help only if he supervises. (But we don't live there, and can't come enough to really speed this 'move prep' up. )
I've been looking at assisted living places with an eventual transition to memory care on the chance he does make it out west with us. But, his planning and executive function/thinking is not good, so we all just go in circles. It's gotten excruciating and something has to give. It's starting to be me. He's fallen several times in the last few years, so far no real damage but that's not going to last. (He's also had metastasized prostate cancer for the last 2 years. But he just keeps on rolling along. ) I'm really concerned about my stress levels; they've been elevated most of my life from being sensitive, and I just don't want this anymore. None of us can really do any more than we already are. Thanks for listening! It
Best to you.
The secondary problem is that we've been trying to get him some in-home practical help so he's not calling us all the time. But - bet you can guess - he won't hear of it. He has a grocery shopper and house cleaner for now, a younger friend, though he may lose her soon. We've been trying to get him to move to where we live, and he pretends that he wants to, but refuses to let anyone else help sort through his house with 50 years of belongings."
He "won't hear of it". What makes HIS desires and decisions so much more important than yours?
Step back and stop enabling this charade.
So we can probably agree that he's not going to agree to do anything different in his long distance situation. I agree with making a lengthy visit to make your own assessment. Maybe pre-schedule an appointment with an MDS so you can take him while you're there. Odds are things will be bad and he won't cooperate with anything you try, but you will have satisfied yourself that you tried. Alternatives are doing nothing and things just keep going downhill, calling APS to check on him, maybe getting him into an assisted living arrangement close to where he could theoretically go check on the house and his stuff (probably never would happen), and trying to force a change on him through persuasive means or legally through guardianship (likely an expensive last resort). It's all difficult but don't tie yourself up into knots over something you can't control. Recognize your limitations in the situation. It will be hard the whole way.
"...his short term memory is awful; he can call several times a day without remembering that he did."
I have to ask: who took him to the neuro appointment? Who informed you that he passed his cognitive exam? Was it him? If so, it's a load of malarky.
Also, it's not up to him to remember your boundaries, it's your responsibility to defend them. If you don't, then you really don't have boundaries, do you?
That being said, this is a challenging situation depending on what you want the outcome to be. First: is anyone his DPoA? If not, no one has any legal power to manage his affairs. This is a reality you must internalize since it will dictate what you can do for him, if you choose. Otherwise he will just continue to jerk you around from within his world of Parkinsons delusions, hallucinations and short-term memory malfunctions. It's now outside of reason and logic...so what's the point of reacting to it as if it is?
Do you wish to have peace of mind knowing he is safe and protected? Then call APS and report him as a vulnerable adult. THEY will pursue guardianship and will find a place for him and then manage all his affairs. Without a real medical diagnosis of cognitive/memory impairment and no PoA, that's as much as you can do without going to him in person for 2 to 3 weeks to assess the situation (I bet he's now hoarding) and trying to get him to go somewhere voluntarily, which sounds very doubtful an outcome.
Your job now is to work on accepting the reality that you won't be able to get him to move (voluntarily) or engage with him reasonably (not enough memory function in him for that), so what are you left with? A different outcome than you continually wish there to be.
You and your family cannot continue to orbit around him and expect there to be no negative impact. I realize he didn't ask for Parkinsons, or hearing loss or any of the plagues of old age. But all you can do is what he is allowing, which is nothing that will actually help him...only what he thinks will help him. Again, not reality so what's the point.
If anyone in your family is able to physically go visit him for a minimum of a week, it would be fruitful to the extent that they may be able to convince him to assign a PoA, assess his living conditions (hoarding? filthy? good?) and maybe see what his financial resources for his care actually are. This is what I would do. You cannot take him at his word about anything if he has short-term memory problems. My own MIL thought she was eating and wasn't. She nearly fainted while with us out in public and this is where we started to piece together what was going on. She only lived 6 miles from us. Her checking account had $900 in overdrafts. She wasn't taking her meds even though she said she was. Take nothing as fact from your dad. Combine this with uncooperativeness + 3000 miles and it equals calling APS.
I'm very sorry you are being so worn down by this situation. But for some problems there are just no "good" solutions. Others on this forum will give you great insights and encouragement. May you gain boundaries and peace in your heart. And bless you for wishing so badly to help him.