Follow
Share

My MIL has moved in with with myself and my wife. Her huspand passed away a year ago and it's been a big change for her as well as us. She has been with us since November. But she misses all that she has left.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

405 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2 3 4 5
There are 40+ pages of responses about older people helping around the house. Read them if you are interested.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Lol
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
You can expect whatever you want, but it's NOT going to happen!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
When my 89 year old grandmother moved in with my mom, Mother was reluctant to let her do chores. "She has a runny nose", etc. were the excuses. Mama had worked her entire life, just sitting in front of the TV all day was more than she could bear. In no time a bright, productive lady became a zombie. Let your mother help (you can always re-do whatever needs to be done later and consider it a gift. You probably won't get the chance again.)
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Anytime you move someone in it should be done with very careful consideration beforehand. If she's able bodied then yes it would be fair to ask her to help around the house. It's not fair to you and other members of your household if there's someone living there and not contributing to the household while everyone else is. Contributing to the household both financially and with assigned chores would definitely be a rule of the household with consequences for not following those rules
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Please dont "expect". But i dont think she would be interested because people who are interested offer help themselves.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Just FYI, the original post is 6 years old.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Expecting someone to help around the house really depends on their physical condition. If they're able bodied, then yes, put them to work by all means. Putting myself in your shoes, I would never have someone living there who didn't contribute something to the household. Anytime you have someone living with you, all of the responsibilities should never fall on just one person. This leads to undue stress and maybe even anxiety about having an extra person there who doesn't contribute anything to the household. 

It would be different if the person was in poor physical condition and couldn't help out, but if someone is still able bodied, they should help or they shouldn't be there in the first place. Look at it as if you had your own place. At some point chores need done as we all know. There's cooking, cleaning, and even laundry as much as we hate it but all of those chores are important to keeping a home running well. Having someone there who doesn't contribute anything to the household is an unnecessary burden because they're just in the way if they're able bodied and in the financial position to contribute and don't. Putting myself in your shoes, I would never have anyone living with me who was in a position to contribute and doesn't, it's not fair to you and the rest of your family. If this person is able bodied and in a financial position to contribute, expect it, strongly encourage it, and even require it by setting those rules. Have consequences for broken rules, this is part of setting boundaries and not letting anyone take advantage of you. Show hospitality, but don't let people use you
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
My grandfather helped let the dogs out and checked the mailbox, filled the dogs' waterdish and helped feed them. He delighted in sitting outside watching me garden , being the director of the project, reminding me of which vegetable was planted in what row. Bless his heart, he was still very good at identifying weeds from young plants!!! A great skill to celebrate. So, your choice of activities or chores may actually be best channeled into a parent's skill set!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
I call my 87 yr old mom everday I am or was a caregiver to dad and mom daily and still work..i call to make sure she eats lunch remembers to take noon pills and ask her to either put something in fridge I had thawing or take out of freezer for later...she knows I hate putting away utensils from dishwasher so she generally playfully tells me "the maid" put them away when I get home--yes we cook at home every day all three meals--always have!! I ask what she wants from a list of two things based on meals I know I can make easily based on my work schedule that day and we talk about grocery shopping ---what she did during the day and sometimes just asking her to feed or water the cat or give a treat to the pets gives her something to do during the day. Even asking what happened during a certain daily tv show that they can share with you that night...gives them something to talk about. Mom also was always the laundry folder...she doesn't walk as good as she did as a farm wife years ago...but she can still fold towels while we watch tv together and it gets her mind off of her aches and pains for awhile! My advice is to find little things they can do to assist you--don't get picky if its not like you would do it....just be happy and blessed they are there to do it!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
My 88 year old dad helps hand wash some of the dishes that don't go in the dishwasher and feeds my three dogs. He also sweeps the floor in his living room. He can't reach the top cabinets in the kitchen so I have asked him not to bother with emptying the dishwasher, he just sets all the clean dishes on the counter and mixes them with the dirty ones there. I also bought him a bird feeder and he fills it when needed, if he remembers.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Only one more thing to add. If you have kids or grandkids, ask her to share stories of her childhood with them. It's not exactly household help. But oh, how you will regret it if her memories are lost! I keep wanting to ask my Momma things, and she died 5 years ago. Don't let the opportunity get past you, even if she does ramble. And record! I'd almost kill to hear Momma's voice again.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
I think this question should be put to rest. Many outstanding suggestions have been provided. Please put it in the back files , if there is such a thing.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
so many helpful hints, I barely have anything left to contribute. But yes, if your MIL can do any chores, pls let her do them! It gives all a chance of dignity and respect. Fold clothes, help make out a grocery list, have her open the fridge or cabinets and and ask 'do we need milk, eggs, peas, carrots, whatever' and thank her for every single task she does. Make sure MIL overhears you and your spouse say what a great help she is! Ask her to help fold clothes, ask her to let you know when the trash can is full 'mom, do we need to empty the trash' while your back is turned or your hands are full, can you please hold this for me. Ask her to hold your keys, anything. Ask her to identify people in pictures and write it down on the back or a notepad even if the names are wrong. If MIL is mobile, ask her to please turn lights on or off, open blinds, pull the curtains, anything!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
My 86 yo mom has PD and I live in her house. I've been with her 4 years, lots of changes and her mind is going rapidly but I let her do all her usual household tasks without criticism. I'm trying to keep her embedded habits intact and her body going. Don't jump in to help unless solicited.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
My Mother still wanted to do little things until recently, she is 91. They want and need to feel useful, so even if she doesn't do things the way you want, she is trying her best, be thankful she is with you, you will miss her when she is gone.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Understood, Doodlebug:-)
When your reply came it I saw that there was another link that would allow others to unsubscribe to the thread if they so choose. So, this is a good thing. You get the info you need and others who have had their question answered my cut loose. Have a great weekend:-)
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
As to the "peaceful death" of this thread; maybe a lot of the answers come from people like me who are new to this site and are seeing it for the first time. I did not notice that it has been active for three years and probably the same can be said for others who have responded. Even though the thread is "old" the topic is not. Many people are experiencing being caregivers for the first time and will find the answers and suggestions they read on this site to be very valuable and pertinent to their situation.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
If she wants to help, I would certainly let her (even if you must re-do, discretely, behind her). When my 89 year old grandmother came to live with my mother, Mama was used to being active. She loved working in the yard. Mother would not allow her to do that, citing that she might fall, snakes, etc. Mother let her dry dishes for awhile, but then stopped that because Mama's nose dripped. She was reduced to sitting in a chair and doing "needlework". She soon stopped communicating and spend her last 10 years in a shell.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Have you tried contacting the administrator?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Apparently not, if you check back you will see I just asked today and yet it is still hanging around and getting the same answers for 3 years.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
This thread will die when you stop asking if it will:-)
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Will this question and thread every DIE? Am I the only one that is sick of seeing this 3 year old question? How many answers can there be?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Does she live in your home with you? Are there grandchildren to read stories to? the cat / dog to brush? Good idea with the laundry, personal documents to manually shred into separate paper bags, . . . . . . . .Yes, trying to think of more things for you! Can you get Skype? Then maybe conversations with family, friends who do not reside near her. Good luck!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
My 87 year old mum sits all day on her sofa as she is completely immobile. She also has dementia so sometimes she forgets how to do things but she would dearly love to be active in her more 'with it' times. I find that like a previous contributor has said - folding simple laundry items that don't require a lot of working out (towels, pillow slips etc), and polishing things like photograph frames - especially containing photos of loved ones and past experiences, is good occupational therapy - you have to accept that this may not really be a contribution but the photograph polishing might rejuvenate her and ease the depression as she gets in touch with her happier memories..
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Lots of good advice above.
I would only add, while I dont' know much about your MIL, but if she is religious, you could make it her chore to pray for each family member, people who are ill, certain situations in the news, etc. Chores don't have to even be physical things we do--they can be mental things too.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Get a home support nurse to come into your home to assess your MIL's health, then consult with this person as to what suggestion would be for MIL to help with around the house as chores. Maybe it is still on couch and read stories to grandkids. Take things a step at a time, may have to do chore with her, if memory recall a problem.
All these responses from others so thought provoking and helpful. Glad to read so many great ideas. Remember to take care of yourself too. Cheers!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Expect is a difficult word. I would invite her to to little things that may be helpful, like folding dish towels or peeling vegetables. This may make her feel needed and take a little of the burden off of you.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
It has been euthanized several times. Capt got your black powder pistol?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Okay, okay, okay,.....can we all agree that this situation depends on the individual's ability and willingness to help. My mother helped as much as she could for as long as she could because SHE wanted to; my mother-in-law is a narcissist who thinks we all owe her something and should wait on her hand and foot. Although according to her son she was never a person that cLeaned house or had a care about anyone else she has no problem criticizing all of us. As long as she has what she wants nothing else matters. She would no longer lift a hand than the man in the moon. My mother wanted to and was able to help. My MIL is a selfish slob who expects everyone to do for her what she is not even willing to do for herself......can this thread simply die a civilized death?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
1 2 3 4 5
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter