Follow
Share

I don't live in their state. I live five hours away. My aunt's neighbor keeps asking my aunt why she doesn't she consider moving near me or I should consider moving near her. One, I don't want my aunt to move near me. She moved out there years ago, and she wants to stay where she is. Two, I can't move out there, as I have a job. They want me to constantly come down and help, but my aunt doesn't want me helping her. She has an aid there, as well as other nieces and nephews who live 30 minutes away. Honestly, she frustrates me when I want to help her. She gets frustrated with me when I insist on helping her. I just know that I don't want her living near me, and I don't know what everyone wants from me.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
Doesn’t matter what ‘...everyone wants from me.’ You don’t want to be her caregiver and she doesn’t want you to be her caregiver. Who are these “everyone” people? Are they contacting you?

Stop trying to fix a problem that is not yours to solve. I’m a people-pleaser and problem solver myself and I recognize what you wrote as a trap I’d have fallen into myself.

”What you’re suggesting is not suitable to either me nor my aunt.” repeated as needed.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Draw the line in the sand!

You'll have to be firm and use a tone of voice and facial expression that shows that you're not to be intimidated.

Been there, done that, and I'm not as nice as I used to be. You can do that too.

Sometimes as long as they know they can push you around, they'll do it. I still have a hard time with refusing to please people, but it's a learning process.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Just make it clear to all involved as you said it here to us, Tired.
Just tell everyone who suggests this that you don't want to nor intend to move near aunt and that you dearly hope that she doesn't move near you as you have no time to address her needs and moving from the support she DOES have would be very disruptive for her.

Be honest. You don't need their approval. And if you currently are visiting too often, making them think you are in charge or want to be, pull back just a bit. You may be "enabling" their thinking that you are more into this than truly you are, or can afford to be.

Best of luck to you.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Easy, just say "No", that little word is a complete sentence.

Don't engage these people, no reason to worry about what they want, it is about what is best for you.

If you say "No" believe me you will survive and will recover your power.

Being a people pleaser is detrimental your mental well being.

Good Luck!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

At this point in time, since they repeatedly place pressure upon you, just say, ‘I don’t want to hear anything about this topic anymore. It’s never going to happen. It’s none of your business how I choose to live my life so keep your opinions to yourself.’
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

How does the neighbor even know how to contact you...and why? If she calls refer her to the local relatives. If the local relatives call ask them why they think you are the solution to this problem as you do not live in the area and never will.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Tiredniece23 Jul 2023
My aunt, of course. The cops called me once when she fell. Her neighbor had them call me becausemy aunt suggested it. They told me I should go stay with her overnight. I told them it was impossible because I am hours away and told them I would get in touch with her family who are not far.
(1)
Report
See 2 more replies
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/am-i-wrong-to-feel-taken-advantage-of-481698.htm

You asked a similar question on June 20th and got 24 responses.

Seems from what you have written here, you frustrate each other. Are you getting calls or being confronted when you visit? Laugh and say "Sorry, thats not happening" She is your Aunt, not ur Mom. She has help and when the time comes she needs more help, she is the one who will need to make that decision if she is of sound mind. If not, then family there can make the decision to have her placed. You live 5 hrs you should not even be part of the equation.

Why do you think everyone expects you to be her caregiver and not the other nieces and nephews? If you and Aunt get on each others nerves, don't visit. Just make a weekly call just to say hi. Believe me, your under no obligation to do that. I have 6 nieces and nephews, 4 are girls. I am 73 and I get no calls from any of them or visits on a regular bases. I cannot imagine feeling that it was up to them to care for me. I do have 2 of my own but do not expect that from them either.

"I don't know what everyone wants from me." You do know, they want you to give up your life and care for your Aunt. A job they do not seem to want. I think that they see Aunt needs more help than she will admit to. For some reason you are the choice. Are you the only one that even visits her? Are u the only one who is single? Are u the only one that can be manipulated? As said "NO" is a one word sentence.

I think its time to step back. Aunt doesn't seem to want your help. Your visits cannot be all that pleasant. If it was me, I would not be giving up my weekends for her. Stop going. You can block those people calling. If you get a call be honest, Aunt does not want help and I am no longer giving up my weekends for her nor am I listening to all your babble about me becoming her caregiver, ITS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Thats the only way you going to get them off your back, BE BLUNT. If they call again, tell whoever, I will say this only one more time ITS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN and then hang up.

Once you make your wishes known and ur still getting calls block the calls. Ghost them, they should eventually stop. Part of the problem maybe your not standing up to them.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I saw ur response to Ikdrymom about when ur Aunt fell and the cops called you. What you should have said is you have no idea why they were given your number because you live 5 hours away. That your Aunt has family near by. Then give them the number of family near by. Tell them if the neighbor is so worried about her, she can spend the night.

I really don't understand that since you and Aunt get on each others nerves, she relies on you. After a call from the cops, I would have had a nice talk with her. First that the call was not appreciated. Did she really think you were going to jump in the car and drive 5 hours? Then I would tell her she needs to get it out of her head and all the rest of the family that you are not her "go to person". Pick a relative closer. You are not driving 5 hours every time she has a problem. You are not moving near her. She is the one who chose to move where she is. You are not moving her near you. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BECOME HER CAREGIVER!

If after that conversation no one gets the hint, you are going to need to step away completely. Block them all. Cops call, sorry here is the number of a niece close by. After a while her family will realize you Aunt needs care in an AL or LTC. I have a feeling the neighbor sees it. Sees that no family nearby is stepping up to the plate. Your the only one that seems to care. You need to talk to this neighbor and him/her you are not the solution. You are not giving up your life for this Aunt. If the neighbor feels Aunt needs help, then call APS and report a vulnerable adult. She is not to give them your number. Give her the ones of family you have. Make it known to the neighbor that you are not the solution or the option. That if family there also does not want to be involved, then the State will just need to take over Aunts care.

I pick up no numbers I do not know. If a message is left, I listen and delete. You do not need to talk to the cops. They just tell Aunt they could not contact you. Your not obligated to pick up any calls. Blocking is nice. Don't know if they call or not. If a message gets thru, delete don't even listen.

I have no idea why your family feels that you should be the sacrificial lamb. Maybe you are the more compassionate one but that does not mean you need to do the Caregiving. I had a Aunt I am sure would have come to me for help. Her kids made sure they lived far away. One 5 hrs the other a two day trip. I may have helped occasionally but I never would have taken on her care. She was a royal pain.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This situation is so clear cut, so simple to see. I just can't understand why you can't say no. Anybody and I mean anybody with some common sense would know what to do in your case (as you told us.) I think there must be more to your story as to why you get tangled up with aunt.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
polarbear Jul 2023
I see it now. Just read your other thread from June, and found out you are aunt's POA, and have hired a caregiver for aunt. Aunt also has dementia. So, that explains your involvement and why aunt had police contact you.

You received 20+ very good comments/ advice on your other thread. Are any of them useful to you? If not, can you explain why?
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
Aun't neighbour may have concerns. Ok.

She can advise your Aunt whatever she wants to (not her place but the world is full of well meaning advice givers).
Aunt has listen or ignore as she pleases.

A neighbour's advice has zero to do with what the OP SHOULD do.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Just straight up say no.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
ventingisback Jul 2023
Or say it in a crooked way…or spherical…or downwards…rectangular…

Say no.
(3)
Report
I read the other posts, you do know that you can resign from being her POA and be free of this entire situation.

In my past life I have resigned from several, easy to do.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I read the other posts, you do know that you can resign from being her POA and be free of this entire situation.

In my past life I have resigned from several, easy to do.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

This is the 3rd thread from TiredNiece on her situation. Each thread contains partial and different information. It seems she didn’t like any of the comments/answers in the first two, so she rephrased her question the third time.

Perhaps, there’s still some missing information she hasn’t shared which would explain why she keeps asking for advice.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

If you do not want to be a caregiver to your aunt or anyone else for that matter, don't be.

I fail to see what your problem here is. You do not even live near your aunt.
Why would you care what your aunt's neighbor thinks or says? You live five hours away. The neighbor is not part of your life.

Also, who are the "they" you keep mentioning? Your family and relatives?
Do they expect you to move near her or move her out with you?
Once again, you're five hours away. Your cousins nearby at 30 minutes away can handle the situation a lot better than you can.

You clearly don't want to be a caregiver, so don't be one. Speak plainly and tell whoever the "they" is that you mention here that you will not be moving or becoming a caregiver.

This being said, you will have to turn over POA to someone else and shoud probably not expect any potential inheritance should there be any.
This is the trade off when you refuse to help with caregiving.
Most people who do refuse usually are better off.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Thank you to ALL who posted that this question has now been asked three times, and that it has a simple and easy answer. One which has been given by us all.
But here is one more try.

Just say no.
Resign the POA

See an Elder Law Attorney to find out how to resign in this particular case.
It is a simple letter in the case of a competent principal (the one who appointed you as POA).
Then notify any entities you listed yourself as POA (Banks, stocks, phone and utility companies, insurance et al) that you are no longer POA.
Have your name as POA removed from everything.

In the case of an incompetent principal:
More complicated because that person must move to the protection of either another family member or a fiduciary and is unable due to incompetency. Therefore they need another family member to apply as conservator or guardian. So it becomes a court issue to release you as POA.

Once you accomplish the above you are home free.
Best of luck.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I would like clarification from ALL posters that believe incompetence obligates anyone to remain as POA.

When I researched this, it does NOT require anything other then a letter of resignation, period.

No POA is obligated to act or accept the designation of such documents.

Please tell us where you get the information that it requires the (unknowing and unwilling) designated POA to ensure that the person gets representation? A simple call to APS about a vulnerable adult covers anyone that is not a live in caregiver walking away.

OP, the more involved you are, the more responsibility you have but, at this stage of things, you can walk away without any consequences. You just have to get off the fence.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
AlvaDeer Jul 2023
You cannot abandon someone you have ACTED as POA for.
I just copied the following off a California law site, so not speaking to other states:

"Renouncing an enduring power of attorney requires leave from the Supreme Court if the principal has lost their mental capacity."

If OP never acted she can simply refuse to act.
If she accepted this it is a legal obligation she must resign.
If there is an alternative already on record it need not be a court action. She can resign and turn over all documents to the second.

She cannot resign from someone incompetent at least in the State of CA. IF she has already acted as POA for this individual.

I have this from also from a very good attorney as to how I would resign were I to choose to had my brother descended into incapacity and my daughter not been there to accept.

Now as to your idea of a simple letter to an incompetent adult?? It may work. But if there is a troublesome family it may NOT work. Fiduciary duty is one of the highest duties we are held to under the law.
Some state's laws may differ.

So let us say "check with an attorney" in her own state.

As some of us on AC do not agree this becomes a legal question that our OP needs to do LEGAL research on.

I would always suggest doing it right.
Don't pull your POA off a website and think it will serve you in the BofA offices; it almost certainly will not. We very recently saw that here.
And if you have ACCEPTED POA and the adult has moved into incompetency, if you have AGREED to act and DID act, then you should resign in the correct manner for your state.
This is for your protection of the incompetent elder.
(2)
Report
See 8 more replies
"Hi. No, I am not handling any financial or medical bills for her. I am POA until she can no longer speak for herself. That is what the document reads. So far, I haven't been handling anything for her. I did assist with getting a caregiver for her to help her out throughout the week."

This was a reply OP made in one of the other posts she made. As of now, she is not POA. Seems its Springing. Helping her get an aide, IMO, does not mean she has excepted POA.

Tired, I so wish you would comeback and comment on the replies made. Have you finally or plan on telling your Aunt and relatives, No. You need to resign so Aunt can find another POA. If you can't afford a lawyer maybe write ur own letter signing it and having it notarized. You can say that recently you have found that your Aunt, Jane Doe, has assigned you DPOA and Medical POA without your knowledge or acceptance on your part. That you do not want this assignment and as of this date 00/00/2023 you resign as DPOA and Medical representative. Send it certified mail to Aunt so she can never say she did not receive it. After ur signature...

cc: the lawyer
the neighbor
ea relative who has bugged you.

Mail them a copy.

May have said this is another post but POA dies not obligate you to be at Aunts beck and call. You do not physically care for her or financially support her. You just handle her finances.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
AlvaDeer Jul 2023
Excellent idea JoAnn. Excellent. The Aunt isn't entirely incapacitated or incompetent at this time. NOW IS THE TIME to resign that POA quickly and easily by letter, no attorney needed.
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
Tired,

You’re going to have to speak up in order not to be contacted by a neighbor or anyone else.

Clearly, you aren’t interested in being involved.

State this fact clearly, so that there is no doubt in anyone else’s mind that you are out of the picture and have no desire to be contacted again for any reason.

Free yourself and them so they can make future plans that don’t involve your input.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Tired, have you made any decision on how ur going to handle Aunt? We love getting updates, it shows our responses were useful and helps others.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Tiredniece23 Jul 2023
Hi JoAnn, I have backed off. I try to call her to check in, but have limited my trips. She says she's fine. I think she understands that I can't be there all of the time. It's my pushy relatives and neighbor that expects me to uproot my life and just move in with her and take care of her. I haven't done anything with the POA, as of yet. I wanted to talk with her yet again about how difficult it is for me to be there constantly with those responsibilities, even though the POA only states that I act when she is incapacitated. Her neighbor told me to find a lawyer and change that. I told her no. I'm not changing anything.
She has a care giver, there, and not to mention nieces and nephews who live a lot closer than I do. Not to mention that she just stone cold does not listen to me! I haven't visited in a month. I call, but I want to enjoy my summer.
(2)
Report
Block your number to the neighbor. It's not much you can do living five hours away. It simply amazes how people want to disrupt and uproot someone from their life and job to caretake a relative.

You made it clear that your aunt doesn't want you helping her. I would back off. I would call and check in to see how she is doing periodically. That's it.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Tiredniece23 Jul 2023
Thank you. You would be surprised!
(0)
Report
How do you “express you are not interested”??

1) NO
2) NEIN
3) NYET
4) NON
5) I will see you in HELL first! Quit calling me!

The Paul Simon song about “Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover” has some good lines, too. My favorite is, “No need to discuss much!”
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Jul 2023
Love it!

Hey, I saw Simon perform that song at our jazz festival. One of my favorites!
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
Tired, read your response to me and I say...good for your.

I was POA for my Mom and I would not do it again. Getting her set up in an AL and the LTC and filing for Medicaid was not fun. Lots of paperwork and worry that u were doing the right thing. All she had left after her passing was a house I couldn't sell. No money so I paid the bills letting the taxes go. 2 yrs after her death, it sold for the property. It paid off the taxes and Medicaid. I had to probate because of the house. More paperwork. I hate paperwork. It would have been hard to this 5hrs away. I live 10 min from the County seat, too. Not everyone lives that close

There is a reason the neighbor wants you to take over now. Are they helping Aunt in some way and no longer want to? Then tell them they don't need to help. Call one of the relatives when Aunt needs something.

Things can literally happen overnight. Your Aunt can be OK today and have a stroke in her sleep that now renders her incompetent to make informed decisions tomorrow. If you do not want the responsibility of POA then you need to have Aunt revoke your assigment and assign someone else, or write a letter stepping down soon. She needs to find someone else. It will be too late when she becomes incompetent.

"Her neighbor told me to find a lawyer and change that."
You can't change anything. Your Aunt would need to have the lawyer she used change it to immediate.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Tiredniece23 Aug 2023
Hi. Thank you. I stepped down. I sent an email to hwr attorney, ccing her. She is not happy with me, at all. I told her I'm just too far away to handle this responsibility, and plus I work. I had suggested to her time again to assign someone closer.
I have not spoken to her. I try to call, but she doesn't answer my calls, nor does she answer.
Anyway, I expressed myself, and she doesn't have a POA, as of this moment.
(5)
Report
Just say no. Block all their numbers for a while or if you can’t do that give each person an individual ring tone so you know when it’s them calling and don’t pick up.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter