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I'm glad to hear that you are in school. Please do not take your mother back out of the nursing home. That would not be good for either of you. Some here just don't get how un-normal your life has been. It's like a delayed young adult hood that you have almost aged out of the time frame for. That's ok, just start where you are, find a therapist, take no prisoners and damn any torpedoes that get in your way like a Navy Admiral in battle once said and he won the battle. Torpedoes back then did not always work.
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Mikuhatsune01 Sep 2019
Thank you . I'm starting to understand and accept how unusual my life has been . Most people in there 20s are not putting there parents in a nursing home, I think that's why a lot of people don't know what to say to me, or how to comfort me... Because it's that rare... Most of my friends in there 20's wont go through putting there parents in a nursing home for another 20-30 years... I pray they don't have to... But you can't predict life.
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The key phrase in all grief work is a "new normal" I wish you the best!
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Mikuhatsune01 Sep 2019
Thank you . I'll try to look at it like that... Because it feels like I'm mourning my life, grieving my life.... I'm glad you guys understand ... I envy my friends that are my age... in there 20s... they won't have to go through the pain of putting there parent in a nursing home for another 20-30 years.... This is just something you don't expect a 20 yr old to go through . I'm trying to let myself cry, scream, rant, vent, anything, so I don't hold everything in ....
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I am not surprised that all these people backed away. It happens more often than you think. Usually one person is left holding the caregiving desicions. Praying for you. Big Hugs ((( ))).
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Many people will say something like 'call if you need anything', but not follow through. Its kind of like saying 'how are you?' when most don't really want to know. The other issue I have found is when you try to 'talk it out' or just talk about your issues, many people will back away. Save your venting for here or with a therapist or counseling group (if you find things are not working with a therapist, try another - we don't always mesh with the person, so it may take trying another.)

I think that getting out, going to school and staying busy will help you. Education can open doors to your future. Staying busy with work and school will help take your mind off what you had to do. Being in school and working will also help you meet new people. Try not to focus on mom when interfacing with old family and friends, both new and old. Sure, it helps to have someone to talk to about it, but you'll have to find those special people who can handle it, For those who seem to have shut you out, try to reach out again, but in a casual way - maybe ask them to meet you for a bite to eat or coffee, and keep the conversation away from mom.

It is hard to "give in", but sometimes it is best for all! You can still visit her, take her little gifts or treats? For now it is new and raw. It may always be a little painful, but given time it should become more bearable.

Hopefully you can find a different job - having to go through the death process over and over is not for everyone. Some people can handle it, the rest of us cannot, especially when it happens too often! Maybe it can work for you later, if you choose to return to being a CNA, but it might be better to avoid that for now. You are young, and vulnerable, so it would be best not to expose yourself to that, at least for a while.

Do take care of yourself! When you get up in the morning, take some pleasure in the sunshine, birds singing, gentle breeze. If it is raining, remember that rain supports and brings forth new life!
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Mikuhatsune01 Sep 2019
That actually makes a lot of sense . Thank you for the advice . I'll save my ranting on here, or a therapist, or writting in my journal . Or praying to god . Now I'm starting to understand why so many of my friends and family backed away . Thank you . And I'm in school, I just need to register for the next classes . It's going to take a while . But I have to keep living . And if my mom hates me for doing whats best for her, then so be it . I can't keep moving her to please her, her safety matters more .
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I'm really and truly sorry to read what you're going thru, but you're really having to deal with the real world for the 1st time in your life. I'm NOT SAYING you've done anything wrong, you've really done everything right with 1 exception...you forgot about yourself. Don't listen to anybody who is negative even though they feel they're helping you, they're not in your shoes. You're not alone in this situation, it happens to others later in life too. I'm presently in my home state to celebrate as best I can my Mom's 87th birthday today. Who is there to help me? Not 1 of my 3 siblings. 2 live here! I travel every month to visit Mom. It takes me 2 days because I can't drive straight thru 16-18 hrs. No, there are not flights from where we live to get me here in a normal flight time of 3 hrs. I drive, take care of the property and visit Mom and my stepfather at the assisted group home. My stepfather's oldest has been here 1 time for a weekend, his youngest son was here for 3 days ONLY because he lives 8 hrs away and their father was in the hospital for 3 days. His son had to sign the papers to release his Dad. If it were not for Mom's baby brother, the best Uncle ever, I don't know what I'd do. He and my Aunt visit Mom 1-2 times a week to help me. The couple who live in the group home, their daughter and the mgr are also people who help me. I was disgusted to read the bday cards my siblings sent to Mom with all the foo-foo crap about how much they love her and the best Mom ever. Why don't you visit, why didn't you tell her that when her mind was still there to understand, why didn't you show her how much you "love" her when it would have been more appreciated? All you can do is what you think is right, you've already done that your entire life. You need to start thinking about yourself too. You're way too young to lose out on life/world. I would suggest finding a therapist who can help you with your feelings and also help you step out into the world. I've become a recluse because of legal issues I'm dealing with my stepsh**s for the last 1.5 year. My siblings aren't dealing with anything I'm going thru and they don't want to, so fine, everything comes out in the wash and they're going to be quite surprised.
It's going to be hard and it is hard. Listen to your heart, you've made the decisions all your life, then screw everybody else. If Mom left everything to you, she knew what she was doing, she just didn't mean to place you between a rock and a hard place.
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Leave Mom There, She is in Good Care, Angel. Never mind all of the Heartless people who are Now what I call Fair Weather no Friends and Family.
See if you can b e POA for Mom, You seem to be the Only One, Hun, Who gives a Hoot. God Bless and just Continue to Visit her, make sure sh is Good, Take Care, God is There...
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Mikuhatsune01 Aug 2019
I am her POA . Have been since I was little. I didn't understand the importance of being POA until now. I'm still trying to get used to all this... It's only been a month. Me scrambling around, watching videos, reading books, talking to people in support groups for addiction, elderly parents, being a CNA, healthcare, all of it... it's a lot. But I'm trying to go at my own pace...
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Wow, taking care of Mom. At your age...Mom could not be any prouder. I'm proud of you too. I have a daughter about your age as well, she would be here for me in a heartbeat.
Don't beat yourself up. Even us older family members learn as we go and that's with everything from our beginnings with taking care of parents (or others), the challenges, and the end.
We are beat up, scarred, tired, exhausted, angry,sad, etc, then we pick ourselves up again. This is done over and over again through this whole ordeal.
We are the unspoken "heroes". We are the ones who may never get the praise or support and understanding that we need but we continue doing it anyway. "WE DO ALL WE CAN".
You, sweet girl, are part of this special group.
Yep, it's not easy. If you have your Mother at home or you have them taken care of somewhere, there is always paperwork and other things that need to be done. I don't know where you live but you should contact some agency for agency or see if the nursing home can help you with all that. Her doctor may be able to help with a referral.
Your Mom was a big part of your daily life. Her, your daily routine, all that has changed. It's not any different than if she past on. You need to give yourself a chance to grieve all of that.
Give yourself time to get your life together at home, your obligations with your mom, then go make a new life for yourself.
Make time to visit Mom but go do things for you. If you aren't ready for a job, do volunteer work, join a gym, take in a movie, read a book, visit a park or library. If you have the resources, go buy yourself something that will cheer you up. Later, you may consider getting more education. You deserve it.

I, like others, will be cheering you on. YOU GOT THIS!

Don't waste your time about what others should be doing or what they say...it'll make you crazy. We can't change them.
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I feel compelled your answer your situation sounds so similar to mine. My family consisted of my dad, mom and me—period. My parents had either minimal or no relationship with anyone in their families and I was an only child. We moved to Woodstock right after the festival, where they committed their lives to being hippies and saving animals. Even after breaking up in their fifties, neither sought a divorce and the three of us continued to spend major holidays together. Because of their unusual and non-conventional lifestyle I had an extremely close relationship with both parents throughout my entire life. My mom really became “my everything” when I was 31 years old and lost my dad to cancer and my husband began what would ultimately be a 13 year battle over custody of our son. When she broke her hip this last anthurium right please
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I was a caretaker four times (parents, husband and a friend) all while working full time and it nearly killed me. Placing people when their burdens destroy you and your life are the only solution. Ignore what people say pro or con - they all have different beliefs and yet none will step up and help you. It is a very sad fact of life but they will all tell you they will help, etc. but they WON'T - perhaps one or two times but then they disappear. And something else I learned - I became disabled and can't walk. All of a sudden my friends started disappearing one by one - they were afraid I might ask a favor, or push the wheelchair, or do something for me, or I was just too slow. It is sad but it happens. So I learned to do 99.9% of everything in my life myself - it is very painful and difficult but I do it because I have no choice. People don't want to be around "disabled" people - it makes them uncomfortable, perhaps feel helpless and frustrated, or they just don't want to be "involved" in any way. Face it - this is the way most of society treats people who are "different". Make your own happiness and know you did what was right.
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I'll withdraw my question.
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Mikuhatsune01 Aug 2019
you asking me?
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Dear Miku, this may not be you at all, but perhaps could be something to think about. When someone is overwhelmed by problems, that is what they usually talk about. “A problem shared is a problem doubled” is all too often true. You can tell us all on this site, but if you tell people who haven’t been involved in the problem, the result is to make them unhappy and uncomfortable. They don’t want more of that, and they can’t see how to make you ‘get over’ such a miserable situation, so they back off.

If this rings any bells with you, there are a couple of suggestions. First, join something completely different, and don’t talk to the people there about where you are coming from. Make it something new to think about. Second, find again the people who you miss, and talk to them about the new things you are doing, not about the problems. Get their help to change, not to sympathise.

This takes a lot of energy, which you may not have right now. But you do want things to get better. And a small bonus is that it will give you some cheerful things to talk to your mother about when you visit.
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Hello I work in a nursing home I see a lot of the residents get abandoned when at first the family and friends were there and now little by little the visits dwendel tell you don't see no one coming to see them. It's so sad because thay ask me when is my family taking me home? All I can say is maybe tomorrow they will be here to see you.as far as depending on your family and friends don't the sooner you know that the better you are.it always seem like when you need help the most no one's ever around.now you said you feel guilty about putting your mom in a nursing home.Don't you need to do you for a change.what I mean by that is find yourself know what you like to do for fun maybe you could get some new friends maybe go back to school get a career.what ever you want to do you can. But if you really feel like you can't get use to the idea of you not having your mom at home with you have you ever thought about getting in home health care someone to help you with mom so you can have a life outside of just taking care of mom.I don't know if what I have told you will help I wish you all the best in what ever you decide to do. if you need someone to talk to about this you should find out what options are available for you like a social worker is a good idea or what ever you decide my prayers are with you and your mom.
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notrydoyoda Sep 2019
I think that after what she's been through and being 27 that she deserves to have a life with more freedom than she's ever had in her entire life.
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