I don't know where to begin. You'd think that I'd be happy, but no, I'm at a loss for words.... I came to the conclusion that mom needs to stay in the nursing home. Well, people in the family, family friends, people I've known my whole life, telling me that if you ever needed anything to give them a call. Well after mom went back into the nursing home, I started to reach out to people in the family, family friends. At first they sounded concerned but after the first phone call, slowly, they all backed away from me . The very people telling me and mom, " if you ever need anything, to give us a call." Like really?
Seems like the only people that seem concerned about mom and me, are at the nursing home. Told high school friends, well now that everything is getting finalized, they're looking at me going, "why are you so upset, your mom gets the care she needs, you get what you want." Like really??? I took care of mom for 7-10 years, lived with her my whole life, that's all I know, is me and mom. I know it sounds pathetic, but its just a lot to take in and handle for one person...
Yes I'm glad that mom is safe, but I feel all alone in all this, in how to handle all this crap, I've never been on my own before. Pathetic... since I'm 27. With all the family drama from years ago, money, crap, mom leaving everything to me, her telling everyone in the family years ago, now, guess what, looking back, that basically causes almost all of them to not want to help me. I never thought I'd have to put mom in a nursing home. I feel so guilty, horrible. I know I tried my best to care for mom all by myself. It's just alot. Then at the nursing home, getting everything finalized, they're all looking at me, going, "you can make it without your mom... " ect. Really??? It's going to take me a while to adjust to life without her, without taking care of her 24/7, that's all I know. It's almost like no one gives you time to really process it all, of what's happening. Like you have to step back, and give yourself time to process it all. I'm realizing how alone I really am now. I feel like I can't trust anyone. Some friends telling me to take her home, others saying to leave her in there, others making the comment, "well she's your mom." What does her being my mom have to do with it? The fact is, I physically, emotionally, mentally can't take care of mom all on my own, 24/7 anymore... I'm just in shock! People that I thought would be there for me or mom, are disappearing faster then I could ever imagine. Yes I know I'm 27, an adult, but I don't know hardly anyone my AGE that is going through any of this! I feel lost! I never prayed to GOD, but lately I feel like I don't have a choice. If there's anyone that has gone through putting there loved one in a nursing home, how do you cope, grieve, how do you deal with it all... ? Thanks for listening...
If this rings any bells with you, there are a couple of suggestions. First, join something completely different, and don’t talk to the people there about where you are coming from. Make it something new to think about. Second, find again the people who you miss, and talk to them about the new things you are doing, not about the problems. Get their help to change, not to sympathise.
This takes a lot of energy, which you may not have right now. But you do want things to get better. And a small bonus is that it will give you some cheerful things to talk to your mother about when you visit.
Don't beat yourself up. Even us older family members learn as we go and that's with everything from our beginnings with taking care of parents (or others), the challenges, and the end.
We are beat up, scarred, tired, exhausted, angry,sad, etc, then we pick ourselves up again. This is done over and over again through this whole ordeal.
We are the unspoken "heroes". We are the ones who may never get the praise or support and understanding that we need but we continue doing it anyway. "WE DO ALL WE CAN".
You, sweet girl, are part of this special group.
Yep, it's not easy. If you have your Mother at home or you have them taken care of somewhere, there is always paperwork and other things that need to be done. I don't know where you live but you should contact some agency for agency or see if the nursing home can help you with all that. Her doctor may be able to help with a referral.
Your Mom was a big part of your daily life. Her, your daily routine, all that has changed. It's not any different than if she past on. You need to give yourself a chance to grieve all of that.
Give yourself time to get your life together at home, your obligations with your mom, then go make a new life for yourself.
Make time to visit Mom but go do things for you. If you aren't ready for a job, do volunteer work, join a gym, take in a movie, read a book, visit a park or library. If you have the resources, go buy yourself something that will cheer you up. Later, you may consider getting more education. You deserve it.
I, like others, will be cheering you on. YOU GOT THIS!
Don't waste your time about what others should be doing or what they say...it'll make you crazy. We can't change them.
See if you can b e POA for Mom, You seem to be the Only One, Hun, Who gives a Hoot. God Bless and just Continue to Visit her, make sure sh is Good, Take Care, God is There...
It's going to be hard and it is hard. Listen to your heart, you've made the decisions all your life, then screw everybody else. If Mom left everything to you, she knew what she was doing, she just didn't mean to place you between a rock and a hard place.
I think that getting out, going to school and staying busy will help you. Education can open doors to your future. Staying busy with work and school will help take your mind off what you had to do. Being in school and working will also help you meet new people. Try not to focus on mom when interfacing with old family and friends, both new and old. Sure, it helps to have someone to talk to about it, but you'll have to find those special people who can handle it, For those who seem to have shut you out, try to reach out again, but in a casual way - maybe ask them to meet you for a bite to eat or coffee, and keep the conversation away from mom.
It is hard to "give in", but sometimes it is best for all! You can still visit her, take her little gifts or treats? For now it is new and raw. It may always be a little painful, but given time it should become more bearable.
Hopefully you can find a different job - having to go through the death process over and over is not for everyone. Some people can handle it, the rest of us cannot, especially when it happens too often! Maybe it can work for you later, if you choose to return to being a CNA, but it might be better to avoid that for now. You are young, and vulnerable, so it would be best not to expose yourself to that, at least for a while.
Do take care of yourself! When you get up in the morning, take some pleasure in the sunshine, birds singing, gentle breeze. If it is raining, remember that rain supports and brings forth new life!
Get a counselor who can walk you through it. Your peers have forgotten what they went through, so now are unable to help you. The good news is, this will be easy with skillful guidance.
There are always people who will disagree with your choice to put a person in a NH. That's OK. They're entitled to their opinion. Allow them that. Do not let it bother you. You made the best choice you could and take a deep breath and let their negativity go in one ear and out the other.
Since you have been caring for your mom so long, perhaps your relationships were pretty neglected. Most caregivers don't have much time to do things with their friends and family. It might take time and effort to build and rebuild relationships. Be patient, stick with it, and you will find the right people to be part of your world.
You're going to have to find a new life for yourself. A job, friends, maybe a SO?? It's going to take some time. Be patient with yourself and the rest of the world as you adjust to all the newness.
I would also like to suggest that you do not put too much time into your mom at the NH. They are there to care for her and you are now a part-time supportive family member, not the main caregiver. Visit, keep an eye on things, but live your life too.
youll be fine - it’s a life changing routine for you now - seek out some therapy if you’re lost- people go thru change all the time! That is all life really is
It's just me and my mom, and it is like I told everyone my mother had the Plague the way the "family" left afterwards. I TOTALLY get what you are saying. I've been doing it for 3 1/2 years. It is hard.
Do you work? Go to school? Are you able to support yourself? You are a lot younger than most of us on this forum. Your life and future are ahead. Think about things you would like to be doing now that care taking does not take up every hour of every day. Some of those ideas might give you focus on how to go on. You include your mother by visiting her, but she Does not have to be the ONLY thing you do.
You know, it was easy ENOUGH for everyone to offer help when you didn't take them up on it, when you were too busy, when they could just say their easy platitude and feel good about themselves. But NOW you have the nerve to actually need their help, and to need someone to talk to.
My recommend is that you get that SOMEONE TO TALK TO and have it be a professional. Licensed Social workers skilled in counseling on life change are often stellar at this helping you comb out your new life.
You are helpless as a newborn, hon. Look on it as a rebirth. As learning how to negotiate a whole new world. It may not BE the old friends. You may need new friends now who don't know the "old you". It may be some few of each.
Please do express a bit of what you have told US with your old friends. Say "You always said if I/we need you to tell you. I do need you. I need to just talk with a friend. Please let me know when you can give me an hour for lunch, let me MAKE you lunch, let me vent. I am confused, and need your wise counsel.
And again, please give yourself a good amount of time. You are a newborn. It will take time. It will for you and for Mom both. It won't be easy. There is an old Simon Says game in which you take as many steps back or forward as the caller tells you. You usually make slow progress forward, but not without some back steps. That's life.
Good luck. The absolute best of luck. You have DONE HARD. You know how to do hard. You will learn new things, new ways of being. That will all be, in the long run, to your benefit. You have been places most 27 years olds today cannot even begin to imagine. You have much to contribute to our world. Give yourself time. Be gentle with others and with yourself.
i would also suggest that you stop by have a dinner with her. Then watch the staff shower and get her ready for bed. Maybe watch some TV until she falls asleep ..... Or yes if she’s able take her out to a lunch or a movie . Or do a combination of all these things
You can still have your mother/daughter relationship that does not have to end . .And your presence will alert the staff that you are making sure moms taken care of.
Image your life as a boat that the anchor has suddenly been lost so is now adrift so you need to do something to stop from going up on some rocks so you might have to start an engine, put out a sea anchor, put up a sail .... all possible solutions but only you can pick but you need advice/education on how to do all these things
Remember you are doing this next step for yourself for the most part but somewhat for your mom so that you can cope with her next phases in the best way for you both - good luck
This is normal. Everyone says, "call me if you need me." - but really? They don't want you to call, especially if you're asking for help. I've had a lot of people say it to me since my DH passed last year and I just got into the habit of saying, "thank you, I appreciate your offer to help. I'll let you know."
And as long as I never seem to need help - people keep asking and offering.
27 is an adult, but looking at it from 67, you're actually still extremely young and you're right - people are "abandoning" you when you are in need. God is not a last resort, God was my first line of defense while I was seeking guidance to take care of my 96 yr old DH.
And, the people you're needing right now? They're probably in your age group and they don't know what to do or say - so they disappear. Try to start asking for hugs from people - that they can do, and hugs do help.
We find out at these very tough emotional times, who our real friends are -and aren’t. Like in your situation, I found out the people who I expected to be there just weren’t. It is painfully disappointing, but if you look for the silver lining, you will see some people who you didn’t expect will be there.
Savor every moment with your parent. She was there for you, and you for her, and as life has it, she cannot possibly be there forever. Make every moment count.
When you are not with her, take kind loving care of yourself. Don’t turn to liquor or food for comfort. Don’t overspend. These “vices” will compound your problems later. Join a gym, take a walk in nature, enjoy a great film.
You are not alone. There are legions of us who have walked in these same shoes.
Putting your mother in a nursing home is the best thing for her and you both, it will give you a chance to start living your life, just as it should be for a young person.
I suggest that you start making a plan as to what your next step is, get out make new friends, a job, start living, each step that you take in the right direction will help you to improve your mental health. Make the past years a guidepost, not a hitching post...life is a song worth singing....sing it! Hugs!