Family Feud... and I don't mean Steve Harvey. How do I deal with this?
I am a live in caregiver to my grandmother, and my aunt has both POA and med proxy. She handles all the finances and whatnot for my grandmother while I do the day-to-day stuff.
Ever since this pandemic started, my aunt and I have been bickering, arguing and fighting almost constantly. We never had a good relationship to begin with, and the only reason I am doing this is because my grandmother was always there for me, so now it is my turn to be there for my grandma.
A lot of bad things have happened in our family recently in a fairly short amount of time: my aunt fell and sustained a major leg injury that she is still reeling from, then COVID19 which took our grandfather, my grandmother not only got COVID but also suffered some complications from this and now my cousin is having health issues which has my aunt in a panic, naturally.
There is no doubt that my aunt is overwhelmed, who wouldn't be. "Stressed out" would be a gross understatement. Not to mention being in pain from her injury, that would put anyone in a foul mood. With everything in mind, I can understand why she is snapping, but lately it's gone far beyond that. She criticizes everything I do and say, and she gets really nasty about it. Nothing makes her happy anymore and truth be told, I'm getting really sick of her treating me like dirt on her shoes.
She's been less of a family member lately and become more of a bad boss towards me. The relationship has gone from bad to downright toxic and we don't really communicate anymore. That might be part of the issue, because who wants to communicate willingly with an a*hole.
Note: moving out is not an option because my aunt will not place grandma in a nursing home. Supposedly there is "no money left" for that, and I won't abandon my grandmother, so here we are.
So the question I pose is this: how do you deal with difficult family members who seem to fight you at every turn?
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What do you want the outcome to be?
- you and your aunt have made excuses of why your gramma can't be transitioned into a care facility. Yet caring for her has, by your own description, become overwhelming.
- you admit auntie is stressed and sick yet you don't cut her any slack and now see her as an "a*hole", therefore you will always respond to her as such unless you make a concerted effort not to, no matter how she speaks to you.
- you don't like the working relationship, yet you've made an excuse as to why you are unwilling to leave.
- if your aunt is as old or older than your gramma, do you honestly think things will be better or worse for her as time marches on? The honest answer is: worse.
By planting your flag on so many molehills you've painted yourself into a corner. You say you want things to change (if that's what you mean by "deal with") but you've also decided 1) auntie's an a*hole, 2) your not giving up caregiving 3) gramma can never go into a facility due to finances AND you think this is abandonment (these 2 aren't true...Medicaid will cover gramma for LTC or MC and many of us have our LOs in very nice facilities. My own MIL is in LTC on Medicaid receiving excellent care. Are you saying we've all "abandoned" our LOs?).
Since you can only control yourself you will need to decide what YOU can do to "deal with" (improve) the current situation. Do you want auntie to talk to you more respectfully? Then you must make a lunch date with her and sit down and carefully and respectfully tell her how her behavior is impacting you and then propose a better way. That's literally all you can do. If she rejects this, then you must understand that nothing changes if nothing changes. You don't have the authority to move gramma into a better care facility where she doesn't need to be subjected to bickering by her own family; or you move on and let auntie find someone else to care for gramma and you can go see her whenever you please and life for everyone will be much less stressful.
If you are NOT being paid for your caregiving, this is a mistake on many levels. Please read the responses to posts about Getting Paid as a Family Caregiver. I think it would be eye-opening for you. I sincerely wish you all the best as you try to improve the family dynamics. I wish you much wisdom if it doesn't come about and peace in your heart as you consider your options. Whatever you do, don't be complacent with things as is.
What does "technically Aunt owns house". She is either on the deed or not. If not, the house is Grandmom's. Grandma is allowed a house. If Aunt can prove its also her residence and can afford upkeep, she may be allowed to live there. But, when Grandmom passes, a lean will be put on the house. Medicaid has to try to recoup what they paid out. At that time, Aunt maybe able to remain in the house. There is more to all this but that is the basics.
As someone else mentioned, find out whose name is on the deed.
Grandma's funds go to fund grandma's care, not Aunt's.
Stand up for your grandmother's right to her hard earned lifetime of savings. That belongs to grandma, not Aunt.
You are right that as time marches on, this will not get any easier and this will surely put family relations to the test. But I have now learned how to deal with it in a better way.
A few people had suggested talking things out, which I did. My aunt came over and we had a heart to heart talk. Turns out she didn't mean to be rude or anything towards me, but she has been super stressed out dealing with more problems than I realized. She told me that she appreciates me being here for grandma. A lot of what was happening was miscommunication.
I also learned a valuable lesson in this: when someone treats you badly, it's not really about you. They are dealing with their own problems and maybe it's overwhelming to them. When she gets like this, the best thing I can do is let her know I'm here for her if she needs anything, and then step back to give her the space that she might need at that time.
The job doesn't just pay me but gives me benefits, so if I quit that, I might as well start digging my own grave.
After such a difficult time as I had, you would think that my aunt would call or text me to find out if I'm okay- I didn't hear a single peep from her! I'm completely disappointed in her with how she has handled everything. When I needed her the most, she was nowhere to be found.
Right now, grandma is in rehab for at least the next few weeks provided all goes well. My aunt also said she's going to have to raise my rent so that she can hire a home health aide. To those of you who said the whole "no money" excuse was BS- I think you may be right. She doesn't have money for a HHA, but she has money to fix up a Camaro!?!
If things don't get better, moving out may be my only option. Having these past few weeks off from caregiving made me realize just how much this has hindered my health and sanity. It's my aunt's responsibility to do caregiving, not mine. I'm going to start calling her out on her BS. I've already warned her that if this crap keeps up I'm moving out. "Where are you going to find a room for $500?" was her response. I'm like "they are out there, I've already started looking around."
You have said that Aunt is POA, and that won't be changing.
You have, frankly, cut yourself off at every pass, so I am afraid there is no way out of this canyon. You already know the only escapes here, because you mentioned them and then said they aren't an option for you.
Therefore, it looks like you are stuck with all of this. I sure wish you good luck; it's unlikely that the Aunt will become anything but more beset until she as well requires care. Not certain what the path forward will be then either. Hope someone here has better ideas you can utilize.