My family is basically forcing me to take care of my grandma and I am 17. Am I being a big baby or is this really not right?

KayKay, will you get another chance to go to college or further your education? Will your father live up to his end of the "deal"?

Kaykay - I have to totally disagree with you, as applied to anyone's experience other than your own. I think that anyone who gives up any of their high school/college years to care for a relative with dementia is either 1) being forced/abused, 2) brainwashed/under mind control or 3) both. Your story doesn't even make sense to me. Parents pushed you out, filled your room with their hoard so you couldn't come back, make you live with a demented person and someone you never had a good relationship with, to boot, and you're acting like it's the greatest thing for since sliced bread. While your friends were dating, going to prom, starting college, you're grateful to be taking care of a "loved one" (noting you actually didn't have a strong relationship with her before) with dementia. If it's all true, then you're a very unique individual. Please don't assume that if other young people do as you've done, they will feel as you feel about it. Most likely, they won't. Most likely, they'll be angry and miserable and desperate to get out. Which it sounds like Justagirl is.

Dear KayKay,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know us women as daughters and granddaughters take on a lot. But we also have the right to say no. And our families should respect our choices. I strongly believe not all us are meant to be caregivers. I too had to take care of my family from an early age but as the years go on, it can lead to a lot of anger and resentment. I do not regret caring for my father my whole life because I know how much he and my mom sacrificed for us kids, but it was a tough road. If this young woman does feel abused or trap, then she should get help and get out.

I don't know if you'll see this or not, but I am a lot like you. I started taking care of my Grandma fulltime when I was 16. When I graduated I wanted to move and go to college, and my Dad started guilt tripping me. Then he told me that if I stayed one more year, he would pay for me to go to college. I agreed. I thought I had made the biggest mistake not going when I had a chance. Now I now that I was wrong. I went through the microwave, t.v remote, and all of that. She was horrible to me when I first moved in. We never had a strong relationship, so my Dad (her son) told her that he will not tolerate her abusing me. If she does it again, he was going to take me home. He wasn't really going to. They had already started piling their hoard into my old bedroom, but it was the threat of losing me that made her be nice to me. I'm 21 now, and her dementia is so severe that she is now on hospice. Honestly, as much as it frustrates me, stresses me out, and makes me depressed. I wouldn't trade it for the world. In the end, taking care of your loved one when they need you the most is the greatest feeling in the world. You are there for her when no one else is. I know it may seem difficult right now, I'm not saying it's going to be easy at all, but in the end you're going to be so much stronger. Emotionally, mentally, and physically. Hold on tight. You aren't going to always have her. If she has dementia then she will most likely become an entirely different person. So try and enjoy the time that you have now. Sending lots of love.

Contact your State or local office on aging. They will connect you with programs that can provide in home care for your grandmother.

I think the family is using this young girl to take care of GGma so they don't have to use GGma's money for a home. Then they will inherit more money when GG bites the dust. The kid will probably get nothing for all her work.
I would still call the cops and get the right people working on this sad situation.

Yes, yes, yes, get the authorities involved before your 18th birthday! Your family is abusing you. You are a minor.

I agree with all the above. There is absolutely no excuse for you to be put in this position all on your own. You are right in that dementia does not get better it only progresses. What happens when she losses control of bodily functions and, as it sounds, gets combative when it comes to cleaning her up, the bed clothes, and anything else between her and the bathroom that will fall on your shoulders as well. Because if they aren't willing to help at the present I guarantee they will be even be less inclined to help when this sets in. This is coming from experience that no one should be left doing alone, especially at your age when you have to begin establishing yourself and becoming independent in a career since if this is the way your family treats you now, try picturing yourself 5 years from now not having been given the opportunity to make yourself an independent lady able to support yourself. Do you think they'll give you credit and support you since you allowed them to carry on with their lives unaltered? If they don't give you the opportunity now they sure as heck won't when G passes away they inherit and leave you behind to figure out how to survive. Your duty will have been done in their eyes and don't have any need for you to save them money caring for her by increasing what they are due to inherit. You'll have out lived your usefulness. Believe it. And get authorities involved before you turn 18.

You are being treated like a slave. If I were you I would call the police. What your family is doing to you is child abuse of the worst sort and it's illegal. I would also get in touch with any government department that can handle things for an elder person. It sounds to me like Grandma belongs in an assisted living home where she can be taken care of and be safe. Call the police. They will help you and the sooner the better. If I knew where you were I'd call them for you right now.

I agree with everyone. In this day and age, there is no reason for this young woman to be given this huge burden. However, through the ages, young folks have been given the responsibility to care for the aged\infirm. I know for a fact that Mary Kay Ash, the makeup maven, was made to care for her sick father when she was a very young girl.

It is just beyond comprehension to expect a 17 year old to perform a caregiving job. Period!

I know it's been said several times but I want to reiterate. ..call Social services or Dept of Families and Children. They will help you. Your family is wrong to put this on you. Help out? Absolutely. Full time? NO

Hi Justagirl,
I'd like to think that your mom and grandma weren't completely aware of the 'severity' of your great grandma's dementia. Families also go through denial, not wanting to 'realize' that dementia really is the problem. That happened to me. I didn't live near my mom but I'd talk to her every night on the phone. I didn't suspect a thing and just figured she was getting older if she forgot something or mentioned a story twice. It hit me in the face when I went to visit her, she had dementia. Then I had to do something about it. I was 56 and didn't know what to do. I couldn't imagine handling it at 17.

You are a teenager and have not learned many of life's lessons yet. You can't be expected to act and perform as though you are a seasoned adult, when you're really just a kid. No, you are not being a baby.

To the posters; how many of US would have been ready to take on this task at 17? It is expecting too much from someone who is just beginning to get their life together. The synapses in the brain of teens aren't finished forming. That's why they don't always make the best decisions. Any parent of a teen knows that.

I'm glad to hear that you stood up to your family. You should be pursuing your dreams. Just a word of advise, you will get MUCH farther in your career IF you go to college. A high school diploma doesn't cut it anymore. You will be looked at as unskilled labor, and not be in the running for the great jobs. Call your community college and find out how you could get funding. I understand about not being close to the college. Maybe they have some ideas for transportation from rural areas. Good luck sweetie.

A word to Agingmyself;
Wow! Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed? How sarcastic your post is! This is a 17 yr.old girl. Yes, she should be helping out but not doing the whole thing. I graduated high school at 17 also. I went to college, 2 miles away. I had a car and I drove there. That's not her case. They are poor. They live in a rural area. Her mom works many hours a day. She's stuck. There have been some good suggestions on this board for her. Cut her some slack and give her a break. Your anger at her and her presumption of laziness makes me wonder if you've had similar circumstances where you were trapped also. She doesn't have family support and probably doesn't know to find the resources available to her. But she sounds like a smart gal (she contacted this board as a start), so I'm sure she'll get ahead.

I don't why my answer was done twice.

Where is the rest of your family? You said you are the youngest. The responsibility for taking care of your great-grandma should be her children first and then her grandchildren. You need help. 

If you search AgingCare for Caregiving Youth you will articles about children who are caregivers.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregivers-no-one-ever-talks-about-165631.htm

There are a lot of children who become caregivers. I was one of them. My brother became sick when I was around 10 years old. My entire family helped take care of my brother. I wish there was support when I was a kid.

Where is the rest of your family? You said you are the youngest. The responsibility for taking care of your great-grandma should be her children first and then her grandchildren.

If you search AgingCare for Caregiving Youth you will articles about children who are caregivers.

There are a lot of children who become caregivers. I was one of them. My brother became sick when I was around 10 years old. My entire family helped take care of my brother. I wish there was support when I was a kid.

Hi, if you suspect a mention unfortunately your grandmother's behavior is not going to change and you are not going to like what I'm about to say. Even if you do nothing wrong she will still get angry and sometimes be very rude. You need to understand that her brain is dying physically dying and it is not about you. You need to be finishing school and having your own life and if it and if you told your family that you suspect she has dementia and they refuse to do anything about it there is a hotline you can call to report it. You are a minor you cannot be held responsible for her care. And in some states it is illegal for them required to work without pay. Your family needs Home Care with a company that has a specialty and dementia and knows how to handle your grandmother's Behavior. But you do need to stand up for yourself and it may cause some conflict but if she doesn't get the right kind of care as her disease progresses it may do her more harm than good.

I've seen this before. Families sometimes want to avoid the expense of a nursing home by making a younger person care for a senior family member.

Gladimhere - great advice! -

My daughter's friend took courses that way to get into teacher's college - 1 university course every 3 to 3 1/2 weeks but he worked at it 9 to 4 for 5 days a week - it wonderful what the right incentive does! -

If you want to try out online classes, Google coursera. They have a huge selection of classes of all kinds. And they are free!

If justagirl23 is some 40 miles from New Orleans, she might be in one of the rural parishes where commuting to a community college would be difficult or essentially impossible without a car, especially if she is far from the parish seat. Perhaps she could begin with online courses.

I concur with Carla on the child abuse issue. Telling a 17-year old to turn off the TV and go to her room doesn't qualify. Indeed, even very young children can be required by their parents to do chores, and it's not legally abuse. Not should it be, imo.
Justagirl is out of the situation now, according to her post.
Girl, look up the community college you were interested in attending. Check out their website and contact their financial aid department. Tell them straight out that you will not agree to sign up for large loans, but you are willing to apply for scholarships and grants and work-study jobs.
Didn't your high school offer you scholarship information? Call them and talk to the counselor there; they should still be willing to offer advice.

Do know her personally? There are lurkers on this forum from time to time. The point I was making is that she can get help if she truly wants it. She has freedom of will. I never said she was abused. But clearly she and all of us think her situation is not good for her. She's not physically chained to the home, is she? She didn't say this. My goodness, I hope she isn't. Children and adult women that are truly physically abused do find a way to leave their situation when they want to. It's not pretty, but they find a way to make it to safe houses that take them out of their predicament. Again I never said she's physically abused but she can make move at least to her friends' and their parents or to someone else in her town and ask for help. If the moderators of this community are very concerned, then it's not difficult for them to alert local authorities of this website's location, then have them read through this girl's posts and if they determine this girl isn't in a good situation, then they get the ball rolling legally to request that this girl's computer address be tracked - and they'll find the physical location of this computer, which if in this girl's house, they'll find her home. Do I want it to go this far? Absolutely not. No way.  But I want this girl to get out of her situation as soon as possible so if I have to push her a little, then I know in my heart that I at least tired to do something. Look at how many people have responded? She has options.

Whoa!! I don't think justagirl is making excuses, let alone abusing the forum. She's just a kid, for heaven's sakes. She is still under the influence and control of the people who raised her and who are still the authority figures in her life. She's hesitant to buck them, and at 17, without a job or a car, she doesn't have a whole lot of bargaining power even if she had the nerve to completely defy her family's expectations.

I think most of you think that social services would consider justagirl's situation child abuse and unacceptable, but I don't have any confidence in that. I've done quite a bit of research into minors as family caregivers, and in most places at least it is not considered an abusive situation. It seems to be considered as well within the realm of a parent's authority over their minor children. I don't agree with that, at all, but I believe that's the reality. So assuming that justagirl could escape her situation by simply placing a call to social services is, I believe, way too optimistic. There was a CNN article a few years back called "Help for a 'hidden population' of caregiving kids". The help that was promoted included respite and social supports, but removing the child from the situation or viewing it as child abuse was never mentioned. Kids like justagirl need real support, not lectures about helping themselves.

You have access to the Internet. Cell phone access isn't an issue no matter how small your town is or how far you are from a major metropolitan city. If you truly wanted to get out, then you use any neighbor's cell phone - to call social services organization for help. You make up more excuses than actually showing interest in trying to help yourself. Everyone on this forum has genuinely expressed concern and has given you multiple options to choose from. You state no pizza delivered? Fine. Do you all ride horses for transportation because I guarantee no matter how small a town is - there's always at least - one gas station. So go to that gas station and ask to use someone's cell phone. This forum is for members who are dealing with all issues - good and bad - with caregiving and all of it's surrounding issues. Please don't abuse this forum. You want help? Walk to any local business and ask to use a cell phone. Period. Stop making excuses while tugging at the hearts of the many people who are genuinely concerned for your well-being.

Justagirl23 you wrote your last comment on Wednesday and are to return to g-ma on Sunday. Who will look after her while you are gone for almost 5 days?
I agree with all of the suggestions above telling you to contact social services or elder services. You have not actually said where you live, not necessarily specifically but even state or country. This information may change the advice people give because different services are available in different places. This is not an appropriate situation for a 17 year old to be put in. You are likely correct in your thinking that you will be expected to tend to your g-ma until she dies. That could be many years down the road. Having lived with someone with dementia and worked with many others as an RN I can tell you that it is not something a 17 year old can or should be asked to do.
You have the ability to gain control over this situation. Yes, it may mean members of your family being angry at you. There is a possibility that they are having you look after your g-ma rather than use whatever money she may have to pay for help because they hope to inherit that money. People behave in ways different than you might expect when money is the motivator. So yes, there may be some anger for many reasons. That is not your responsibility. They are not asking you to help out and spend a night or two a week. They have told you that you are to live there. Now that many people here have offered you tools to use to ask for help it is up to you to use them.
We are the creators of our own lives. We teach others how to treat us and how to speak to us. This may be a defining moment in your life. The choices you make now, whether you seek out help or allow your family to bully you into caring for your g-ma to the exclusion of the rest of your life right now, will effect everything that happens in your future. If you stand up for yourself now and teach your family that you mean no disrespect but want to pursue your dreams and start building your own life, in time they may learn to respect you. If you stay quiet and let them bully you into staying where you are you will resent them over time, if you do not already.
I know you may feel stuck because you are only 17 but that is why so many people have come forward with suggestions for how you can seek out help for you and your g-ma. Do not look at this as hurting your family. Your research may be something that has not been done yet which means you may find someone or something that can help your g-ma have the best life possible as she journeys through dementia, if that is what she is actually dealing with. Even that has to begin with a medical appointment and testing. No website is going to be able to diagnose the reason for the symptoms your g-ma has been experiencing.
As for your being treated "very meanly", having your g-ma, the owner of the home you are living in, turn off the tv and telling you to go to your room when you are 17 is not treating you very meanly. A bit rude maybe, but I do not know if that is just how your g-ma is. As for her speaking to the dog, again not being treated "very meanly". If even your g-ma is doing research because she sees changes that appear to be dementia-like, there is a good chance she has changed significantly. One of the characteristics of dementia is they lose their filter, so they no longer measure what they say, very much as a child would do. Things your g-ma says may or may not be said with the intention to hurt you. If you receive them as hurtful you are going to be upset much of the time. If you do choose to stay in that house rather than challenge your family you are going to need to grow a thicker skin. I am not being cruel, I am just being real. The world is not going to hold your hand when life gets difficult. If your feelings were hurt in the above interactions you are going to struggle when you are faced with breakups, job firings, disappointments, failures, losses, deaths, disappointments and everyday occurrences. Challenges and disappointments build character. It is through adversity that we learn empathy and compassion.
Through all of this never forget to be grateful. Even with these difficult circumstances, you have multiple safe places to live, people who love you, food in your belly and more available whenever you are hungry, you and your loved ones are essentially healthy, safe and free. All of those things are privileges in our world today that can be taken away in a split second. Never forget to be grateful.
I wish you peace in whatever decisions you choose. Just be sure going forward that they are indeed your decisions, rather than those of people that want you to do work that they are not interested in doing.
Remember to always take very gentle loving care of yourself. Your life and happiness matter just as much as the life and happiness of any of your family members.
With peace, gratitude and grace

Justagirl - please reconsider your local community college. They tend to be affordable and you won't be in debt for the rest of your life. I went to community college, university and law school without support from family and I paid off all my debts within a few years of finishing. I know college has gotten more expensive over the years, but community college is still a bargain in most places and you can also get grants, scholarships, etc if you apply for them. I got some, plus work study jobs on campus, all through.

One of the reasons you've been put in this awful position is that nature abhors a vacuum. Your ggma needs care and you have no other plans in place so you get swept into the need. Time to put some plans in place. School, work, a future for yourself. You can make this work if you set your mind to it.

Call Child Protective Services and notify school officials about this because you should be preparing for college and dating & that's all. It's not your responsibility & are being abused & taken advantage of. Do this today & keep us posted!

Hello everyone. A lot of you keep bringing up a job and school, so I thought I'd address it. My mom and I are very poor. I don't think I will ever be able to get a car, unless someone drops one off in my driveway (and I don't find that plausible). And even then, where I live, driving school is a whopping $500. It took me years of babysitting to save up $800 for my camera. So a car is kind of out of the question. So why don't I get a job, right? I live in a small town very far away from everything. Pizza can't even be delivered to us. I need a car to get anywhere. My street is even two miles long. No car = no job. No job = no car. Quite a predicament, am I right? And before you ask why I can't get a ride from someone else.. my mom works 12 hours a day, 5-6 days a week. There's no one else I can get a ride from, trust me on this. As for college, I planned on going to a 2 year college near me. So many people told me great things about their photography classes. But reality sunk in that I will never be able to afford that and I do not want to be stuck in debt for the rest of my life. I heard that college in the UK is free, does anyone know if that's true? I might be willing to move. I am not asking for sympathy about these things, please don't think that. A lot of you brought it up so I answered. @Tvidos: it's odd that you mention your friend from New Orleans, Louisiana because that is where I live, well about 40 minutes from there. That's where my great grandma lives. I will definitely look up your friend, thank you.

Your mother is using you so she doesn't have to take care of her mother. Bottom line, get out of this situation if you can. Get a job that pays you so they can't depend on you. If you depend on your mother financially and your grandmother and great grandmother. You will be Lost the rest of your life. Get out!!