My father-in-law is in denial that he can't think clearly. Any advice?

Buying or renting an apartment so he can have around the clock care in home is going to cost thousands and thousands of dollars a month. When an elderly person gets to a point where they're living at home but with around the clock caregivers it's much cheaper to place the person in a nursing home. Yet you say he will refuse. Does he have the money to pay around the clock care? If he does, do that. It's his money, let him spend it on around the clock care if he wants to.

Are you and your husband looking to gain guardianship over your father-in-law? You'll need an elder law attorney. I'm not sure how long it takes but there are others here who have done that and they'll be able to tell you how long it might take.

But if you get guardianship there's still the matter of where he's going to live.

I have just lost my 103 grandmom at a nursing home here in the USA where she was neglected, not given water, not fed properly, etc. They were not even giving her all her medicines. I have the records from the place. I spent 35 years of my life keeping a close watch on my grandmom. At 103 she was still able to move her right arm to feed herself or clean herself if she went to the bathroom. I would have given up an arm for my grandmom. Her doctors were amazed that I was taking care of her so well. I am so proud that I did what I did. I got married 6 years ago, but my wife divorced me because I was putting so my time on my sick grandmom. Then suddenly I got sick myself and things got more complicated. She was hallucinating and I took her to a hospital where she was treated for dehydration then she was transferred into a nursing home to get physical therapy where they ignored her and they also would ignore me whenever I went in there to visit her. My grandmom did not even last 12 days at the nursing home, so for this other person ( Eyerishlash ) who says that " it is much cheaper to place the person in a nursing home " She does not know what she is talking about. Obviously she has no love for her elderly parents and does not care what happens to them. For you, I just want you to compare your situation with mine. I had nobody, yet because I loved my grandmom with all my heart and because I loved her so much I even lost my marriage. My wife should have simply followed me and supported me because I was helping her and her family in their country. It just shows you that when there is love there is a solution. I even went as far as quitting my job because I was refusing to leave my grandmom in a nursing home which she hated too. I saved my grandmom's insurance thousands of dollars yet I did not care about the money, yes I had some savings of my own, but I was not going to complain that I was taking care of my own grandmom and someone had to pay me or something. And if your father in law does not like nursing homes he knows what he is talking about. When I get old I would not want to end up there. Have you ever been to a nursing home and have you ever shown up unexpectedly at a nursing home? Have you read the reports about nursing homes? They abuse old people there. No matter how much they brag about it. Nursing homes is the worst place to put a loved one there. If you love your family you will let them die with you quietly not in some unknown place where they dont even get proper attention, no water and not even clean cloths. Sometimes they give them tight clothing and the poor souls are suffering and feeling very uncomfortable. You dont know what it is like and I think you will make a huge mistake because he will die quickly if you put your father in law in a nursing home, unless you are not attached to him the way I was attached to my grandmom whom I loved so much. After I lost her and my marriage too I am not the same. I suffer everyday quietly. I cry everyday. I am drowning in my own body, but I cannot do anything. I cannot. God is cruel. Life is cruel. We are all heading the same way, but I am not going to die in a nursing home. They are the worst and the law protects them. Disgusting.

Is your father in law also under the care of doctors? You should let them check his vitamin B12, is he anemic? Is he eating ok? He has to drink a lot of water. Is he sleeping well? Believe me what I am saying. I went through all this with grandmom. I know. I had a copy of all her records going back to 35 years !!!!!

This is a very difficult situation to be in. It would be better to ask your husband’s opinion about this. IS he in favor of bringing his Dad to an elderly home? What does he feel about getting an apartment and having someone take care fo his Dad? Talk about this as a couple so that you do not end up arguing or end up being in a conflicting situation of your decisions is not well thought of. Afterall, it is his father, you could never deprive him of the things he would feel about this and he could really end up being too emotional about this. Second thing to do is to ask his father if this is what he wants. Does he want to live in an elderly house or does he prefer living with a stranger in an apartment far away from your husband, the only living and dependable child he has at the moment. Being too emotional about this is not good but not having enough emotions to weigh the pros and cons of your decisions will just make things even harder. Put your shoes on your Father-in-law’s foot. Would you want to be in an elderly house or stay in an apartment with a stranger?
You should all sit down, have a really good talk about this situation and then decide after weighing your options. It may take you long to talk and to agree on a workable plan but it is worth it. Afterall, these are the last years of your father-in-law’s. He, or anyone with the same age and the same situation deserves to experience being loved and being taken cared of. Something you would also want to experience when your old and weak and losing memory in the future.

Assisted living in the USA does cost thousands of dollars a month and is not covered by Medicaid. It provides meals, activities, transportation to doctor's appointments etc. There are some wonderful facilities. Nursing home care is covered by Medicaid. Your father-in-law would have to be very sick to live in a nursing home. Many nursing homes here are very caring with wonderful, professional staff. My mother was in a nursing home for 4 years. We visited often and she was well cared for. Check with your local department of aging, they can help you. Good luck!

FriendlyKarl, you're in a lot of pain. I hope you can make peace with what happened. Life is too short -- even if one lives to 103. You are to be almost honored for what you did. But no matter what you DID? Gram was going to die.

Some day we will come to understand that the goal isn't, "Let's see how long we can keep this body alive." It will shift to, "It's time to go. Let's see how comfortable we can make the journey."

God bless.

If it's an emergency, you can ask the court to expedite your guardianship petition.
For me, it took three weeks for my hearing. Be prepared with documentation. Mostly, the petition gets "rubber-stamped". But. Your dad has the right to fight it, and to be there in court and to have a lawyer. If your dad is in denial, he may fight the guardianship and you may have to deal with his lawyer. But don't let the lawyer scare you. Just have your documentation. And research what kind of documentation the judge will accept.

Friendly Karl...I am sorry about your grandmom. I know there are some bad homes...but there are some good ones too. And not everyone is willing or even possible for them to quit their job, lose their marriage, and neglect their children for an aging parent. Each person has to do the best they can and make decisions for their own situation. We should not judge others because we do not know all their circumstances.

If he is a citizen of Paraguay, I don't think you can seek Guardianship in a US court. Chances are he would hop a plane and leave as soon as he saw the petition for guardianship.

You may need to do some things first before going to court for power of attorney. MY mother showed marked progression of dementia and I asked her family doctor to have her tested. She agreed and had the mental health unit assess her. Their results stated she couldn't live alone anymore and now she lives with me. I have power of attorney both medical and financial. We did this years ago so that there wouldn't be any worries when the time came. She fusses at being here but
legally only has choice of my house or nursing home. The court process will go smother for you if you have assessments done ahead of time.

Talk to an attorney. Usually, there is a free half hour consultation at which time s/he would know how to proceed and can tell you during that time.

You're heart is in the right place.

You really need to speak to a lawyer, because, in addition to the difficulty (or impossibility) of getting guardianship for a citizen from another country, you probably have to rethink any idea of getting Medicaid to pay for a nursing home (when that becomes necessary) for a citizen of another country.

why would you take him to court? Who has power of attorney? that may come into play. if no one has poa, then try to find an assisted living and rent it for him and let him know he will be better there where they will watch him in case something should happen. Hope this helps!

Options - Live with you at home, Assisted Living or Nursing Home.
Do your homework and ask the local senior center about placement options and where you can find reputable facilities that can offer your Dad the best possible care. Not all facilities are the same. Assisted Living is less expensive than a nursing home, if you are self-pay, but it depends on the level of care that your dad needs. Nursing homes are for those with more major health/psych issues.

Were you able to access your mom's medical information? I've got a similar situation, but my mother has called all of her doctors and told them not to give us any information. We suspect she's already been diagnosed and is trying to hide it.

Does he want to move? Paraguay? HOme is Home. Dementia does that. They all want to be home...MaggieMarshall is right. let them be comfortable...We will be there someday too.....Do your best, and pray...PRAY.. Hope things work out for your family.

FATHER IN LAW. Not your fight. Your spouse needs to step up if able. Step back, breathe. You will be the INLAW, and not welcomed....that was my scenario...Don't fight wiTH FIL time will tell...