My father in law recently had a stroke. Happened one month after I married his daughter. He has no income or savings, the medical bills are enormous, and unfortunately none of his immediate family cares much about him. He has three other children besides my wife, and only one has come to visit since the stroke, and that was only for a couple of days. My wife and myself had moved all of his belongings out of his apartment (into our garage), & received little to no help from any other family members. He has a sister that lives about 6 hours away, she wants nothing to do with him, wishes he was dead. He is also technically married, but doesn't live with his "wife", and she moved 8 hours away right after his stroke (said it had nothing to do with the relocation) We have 4 children, ranging from 2 years old to 15, so our lives are very busy to say the least, especially with the care of our 2 year old (no daycare). My wife and I both work full time, she is a nurse and I am self employed (graphic designer). The dad is currently at a local nursing home, but will be discharged soon, and as you guessed it, has no place to go. Like I mentioned before, he has no savings, and no one to help out. So, my wife being a natural care giver wants to move her father in with us, but I think he would get better care at the nursing home, plus we just don't have the money to pay for home health care as someone would have to come by 3 or 4 days a week when my wife is working. I believe his oldest sibling agreed that they could take him in, but my wife talked him out of it, saying that she can't trust anyone to take proper care of him. She feels that his condition will improve in the next year or two, but myself and others have not seen any improvement in the last 5 months, it's actually gotten worse as the rehab stopped a couple months ago. He has lost all control of his left side, can basically only talk, can't eat, he has an NG tube in for nutrition. This situation has caused an incredible amount of stress and fighting over the past several months, and it's been an emotional roller coaster. My wife gets depressed if I make any other suggestion besides moving him into our house, and I feel like it's going to eventually ruin our new marriage and cause a divorce. To make matters more interesting, we have just purchased a new home that we are renovating, and it's dug into our own finances, limited our own budgets, plus it takes up an incredible amount of our free time working on the renovation (ie. sweat equity). His medical bills come in the mail, and no one is opening them or making contact with the collectors. He needed to get his Medicaid straightened out, but no one is really taking any action there either. I honestly don't think that my wife would be capable taking care of him at home, and I fear that it would lead to her losing her job and then us losing our house. We live in an area of the US that suffered a major natural catastrophe recently, and half of the nursing homes were destroyed, so what few beds are left are in high demand. That was another reason why I was suggesting that we move him to a bigger city with more options for his care, but my wife doesn't want to hear it. I've researched online, and it's actually pretty difficult to find a scenario similar to the one we are in, so I'm reaching out here for help. I'm a caring person, I love my wife and family, and I want to see my father in law taken care of, but I also don't want his situation to drag our family down. He has burned alot of bridges throughout his life, and has landed himself in this situation of no one caring about him. Thanks in advance for any suggestions on what we can do.
You are not making her choose between you and her Dad. You want her to choose between her Dad, and you, all the children, your home and your marriage. If you are sure that she is going to choose her Dad, you don’t have much to lose in taking a hard line. I read through the options I wrote down for you on March 2. Have a look at them again. Perhaps it’s time to move out for a week and concentrate on your work project.
Perhaps you are leaving the negotiations about this up to your wife, feeling like it’s really her business. It’s not, it’s your business, and you need to be a major player in the situation. Don’t wait for the worst to happen. Make a lot of noise right now.
Saying that, does ur wife have experience with stroke victims. Is she ready to come home from work and deal with another "patient". Giving up time with her 2 yr old to care for her Dad? I would say at this point, let her do what she wants. She will find out who and what he is. She and you will need to set boundries. For FIL to improve, he has to do for himself as much as possible. And u need to set boundries of what ur willing and not willing to do. Maybe set a time, if FIL shows no improvement and his care is impacting the family, he needs to go to a LTC facility. And he needs to be made aware of this too. Man to Man no improvement back to the NH.
Medicaid, your wife needs to find out what the hold up is. Where I live, you have 90 days to get the info needed to get medicaid. Is wife relying on the NH to do their job? Maybe get the Medicaid caseworkers number and call them directly to find out if they have all the info needed. If he is OKd, hopefully any back bills will be paid. If not, will just have to let them go to collection. Do not pay them. Ur not responsible for his debts.
Once on medicaid you can have him evaluated for in home care. Also, Medicare will allow for in home therapy. May be a lag in days since he has been in rehab. But then rehab may send him home with in home therapy.
I am assuming FIL is not SS age or Medicare age? You can apply for SS at 62. Medicare he needs to wait for 65. But if under 62, he may qualify for Social Security Disability. Then he gets SS and Medicaid can be his secondary. On Medicaid, he gets dental and vision too. Plus transportation services.
Goid luck and keep us updated.😊
Maybe posit to your wife that you need some time to clear the decks at work and she needs some time to get proper home care and child care in place BEFORE he comes home. Can you do that?
Also, you say his medical bills are enormous. Does he have Medicare?
I'm not a big proponent of divorce but in your shoes, I would not subject my children to what us about to happen next.
How is it that dad has no income? No SS? No SSI?
Your and wife's income should not pay for dad's care.
I'm so sorry if I & others have sparked more conflict between you!
From her point if view it looks like her Dad or the family (sort of is..) but you are just trying to open her eyes. The message is you both WILL be caring for her Dad - by arranging the proper care he NEEDS - which at this time is round the clock & too big for one person who already is a working Mother.
Go & give her a hug. Let her know *together* you can work it out. Tell her don't despair, it will be OK in the end.
Ask her what she wants. It's probably not actually to 'do it all' but for Dad to recover & life to return to normal.
If your wife wants to have a cry over her Dad, the stroke, the future it may help 😥
Then schedule a meeting with the Facility Manager/Discharge Planner (whoever is the reponsibile person) at the very first availability this week. Go with your wife & discuss calmly what the options are.
*Buy some time*.
1. Stall. Speak to the Manager immediaty & insist the discharge date be extended.
State the truth. Dad will be unsafe in your home. Wife will be leaving children in unsafe situation. You live there. You will not accept him into your home. You do not support this option.
If you get a bully Manager intent on discharge or stating your wife is POA & can decide, then this.
2. Trial of Care. Insist on this. Your wife must prove she can look after him for 48 hours on her own. In the facility NOT IN YOUR HOME. Sleep there (mattress on floor) & do ALL care.
Many potential carers are reduced to sobbing in the corner by this. Harsh yes but denial is replaced by the grieving process. Then when transfer to NH is made - they KNOW in their hearts & brains they couldn't do it.
Your wife being a nurse will probably be excellent at the care. But for her to stay there for 48 hours would require YOU to take on all household & childcare matters. And you will say NO. This must be pointed out to the Manager. She CANNOT provide the care in two places at once.
If your wife says she would stay in the facility for 48 hours for a trial of care (abandoning the children) your options are
1. She must find somewhere else to live when she gets out. Take Dad to another location - not our home. It is that serious. She can decide to provide all his care, but not in the home you built together.
2. I sorry, I can't actually find another option.. I would not subject the children to the stress & arguing that the Dad in your home would bring.
You are using common sense: it does seem NH IS the only viable option.
Your wife cannot see the big picture. She wants to help him. This feeling is overriding all rational discussions.
She may be in the FOG (fear obligation guilt) from long ago family dynamics. She may consider councelling to deal with that later on but you need a plan NOW before this wreaks more havick your immediate family.
I'm sorry that your FIL has "colonised" your wife in this way, but as this isn't sci-fi she is not doomed.
The key thing is to find out what his options are. She won't consider them so she isn't even looking. But you can. Start speaking to the people at the hospital: make it plain that you too have a major say in whether discharge to your home is a possibility.
The second option is to say bluntly to W right now that you are genuinely afraid this will destroy your marriage, and you want to go together for marriage counselling right now. Say all these issues to the counsellor, and let the counsellor do the talking for you about the options. If you have offered the first ‘month with conditions’, and W won’t accept the conditions, you can tell the counsellor to show that you are being more than reasonable. In particular, point out that this may be about W trying irrationally to get closure on his poor behaviour in the past. Counsellors love that stuff.
Next, ‘kryptoid’ isn’t identified as you. You can say that someone pointed you at this site, and there is already someone with similar issues. Or while she doesn’t know her way around the site, just get up ‘Carer Burnout’ from the ‘Care Topics’ list on the top RHS of the site screen, and get her to look at it.
Last, find an urgent need to be away for a week, leaving her to cope on her own with FIL and the children. It’s not nice, but neither is jeopardising you marriage, and this would be a very quick reality check.
It’s all really hard, but it won’t get any easier!
"What is weird is, I didn't think that she had any great relationship with him before he got sick. She has him around a lot more now than before. She is definitely putting him first, and I mentioned that when I married her I wasn't marrying him,"
Sounds like she wants the daddy she never had and likely will never have.
You are write that you didn't marry him when you married her, but it also true that she's not married to him either, yet she's acting as if she is by putting him first.
My suggestion? Get yourself a therapist to help and support you in this journey which sounds like it's going to get rough and you are going to need an objective 3rd person to help you navigate this. Do this for you and for your children. It would be nice if your wife would join you, but don't count on that taking place right now.
Take care of you and the children, but stop trying to change her and let her deal with everything since she sounds like she wants to. When she complains, tell her that's the way she has chosen for this to be. She's going to expect you to give in, but don't.
Sorry if I've missed something, but maybe I have said something helpful? If not, that's ok.
The one thing that came to mind is this... if she wasn’t really that close to him before - and he doesn’t exactly have people lining up to be there for him - I wonder if he is playing up the “you are the only one I can count on” “I don’t know what I would do without you”, etc. He might be filling a hole he left in her heart from a young age. That is a powerful longing (to be loved be daddy).
Hopefully, she can recognize it (if that is happening). If he wasn’t feeding her soul prior to the stroke, I would take much of what he says with a grain of salt now that he is finding himself in a position to need care.
Just a thought.
Hopefully no one will be badly hurt by the crisis that is certain to erupt. It will be exponentially harder to reshape your household if father is there instead of safe in a good facility.
There’s almost something narcissistic about imposing the undoable on hapless loved ones.
You and her together can ask others about their experience so she can get an idea.
Also both of you talk to a social worker about placement for her dad.
All the best
Her first responsibility is to her immediate family; you and the children. If she refuses to see it that way, I'm not really sure WHAT you can do here! Perhaps ask her to agree to caring for her father for ONE MONTH and then reassessing the situation to see if it's working out, HONESTLY, or if he truly needs full time care at the SNF on Medicaid.
I feel like she's going to do this one way or another, no matter what you say. So maybe the 1 month trial compromise may be your best and only option. If she's a reasonable and honest woman, she will be dead on her feet after 1 month and ready to wave the white flag. But she'll have TRIED, and in her mind, that's what she will feel good about.
Best of luck!
Whatever dynamic exists, or existed between her and her father is causing her to function irrationally in favor of the care of her dad to the exclusion of you and her children.
There are many reasons why it might be her father that would suffer most in this situation, what with toys on the floor, normal childish boisterousness, half done renovation work, new surroundings, sharing sanitary facilities, schedule variations... I’m sure I could come up with several more, and you most certainly should start a list of difficult to solve and totally unsolvable problems yourself.
It sounds from your comments that he is in an ideal situation to be the recipient of a Medicaid bed in a SNF, which is clearly the best thing for him.
Present as much objective information about his choices (really only ONE CHOICE) and yours, and attempt to remain calm and positive about your lives together as YOUR family.
Best of luck to your family, and hopes that your wife will accept reason and common sense and loyalty to husband and children before the complex circumstances confronting a very needy and seriously ill parent.
I don't know how you convince your wife of this but you truly need to think of an alternative solution. I wish you the best.
a stroke victim (especially one that cannot swallow safely...tube feeding) has to has 24/7 care. I was caregiver for 2 such individuals....it was the only thing I had time for!!!
your wife is going to call on you more and more to cover the huge burden, this isn’t going work...it isn’t working now.
Sometimes we have to put our foot down and say no.
If she really wants to help, tell her to get him on Medicaid so he can stay in a NH.
If he was improving maybe, but his care is beyond what one person can handle, even with someone coming in while she is at work.
You all sound very young, is this stroke a result of poor decisions in life, like drugs and alcohol?
Hopefully, someone will pick up his Medicaid processing issue and get him approved, so he can get into a proper facility.
Your gut is telling you the right thing -- your FIL should NOT move in with you.