Feel like a punching bag, advice?

Dementia is a no-win situation for ALL concerned; for you and for dad. That said, in my opinion, you ARE being treated like a punching bag & you don't have to stick around to be bruised. Tell dad you're happy to visit with him but that when he starts yelling, you'll be leaving. That's what I do with my mother who has dementia, and she understands in short order that I mean business. I also say goodbye on the phone if she starts ranting & raving, and let her know I'll speak to her when she's in a better mood. I suggest you do the same with dad.

If he winds up making no progress in rehab, Medicare will stop paying for his stay and he'll be released back to his ALF IF he's in good enough shape to go back. If not, they'll recommend he stay in their long term care section of the nursing home instead. It's really up to HIM how things turn out.

Wishing you the best of luck taking care of YOURSELF in addition to helping dad.

I think the person not understanding what is involved with Dementia is your sister. Tell her at this point there is nothing you can do. Dad is in Rehab for a reason. His doctors felt thats where he needs to be. The AL may not allow him to return unless he does rehab.

Time to step back. Don't visit as often and if he gets started say goodbye. If he calls, don't answer. The Caregiver always gets the nasty side.

To be frank I don't bother to try to communicate with toxic people. It never works. Step away from the sister and from Dad as well when the behavior is bad. A matter of "Sorry I have an appointment" or "Sorry; need to leave the phone. Bathtub overflowing". Said often enough they will get the hint. As to their being angry? Apparently that is their "go to setting" so it matters very little. Save yourself. You are worth saving.

You need to find ways to deal with your father's - and probably sister's - inappropriate behavior when it happens. I suggest that you need to start setting boundaries. Please consider reading any of the "boundary" books by Townsend and Cloud. They outline a good plan for dealing with problem behaviors. You might want to consider a few sessions with a therapist as your make your "boundary plan" and implement it. It helps to have objective and supportive input from a professional.

Your father also appears to be experiencing a lot of anxiety and frustration. He is probably scared and it trying to exert control over his circumstances. Unfortunately, he has decided in his mind that you are responsible when actually it was his weakness and fall that caused his rehab stay. Please talk to his doctor about evaluation for dementia and mental health issues. He might benefit from a mild anti-anxiety medication while you are also implementing your "boundary plan."

No one deserves to be a punching bag, no matter the situation. Leave or hang up each time it happens, don’t provide explanations or justification for your actions. Invite your sister to come do a better job to help her concerns. And above all, protect yourself and guard your own health, both physical and emotional

Get the geriatric psychiatrist who services the rehab to pay a visit to dad and follow her/his advice. Likely your dad needs meds for anxiety and agitation.

I would tell him and your sister that it's up to the doctor, not you and not him, whether he gets to go back to AL.

This is out of your control; please tell them so and walk away or hang up if they become vitriolic or abusive.

And yes, read Townsend and Cloud's wonderful book on Boundaries!

I'm sorry you are on the receiving end of this unfortunately very common situation. You are the closest, you are the one caring, you are the one trusted, therefore you are the one who all the frustrations and complaints get heaped on. Your husband is right this is the disease talking/shouting/complaining but you get it because you are the important and trusted on in your father's life. If you didn't matter you wouldn't get treated this way. It seems a strange way of showing that someone matters to you and is the most important person to you, but IF you can take on board that it is because you are so important that you can be trusted and won't let him down then maybe it is a way for you to cope with it. Hugs to you.

Your dad has dementia.
He is in rehab, away from his "home" and in a place he is not real familiar with.
He is taking it out on his "safe person" he can vent to you because he knows you are there for him.
When your sister calls either ignore the call or listen to her and don't say anything. If it gets to be more than you can take say, "oops, sis I have a pot of water that is about to boil over I gotta go" and HANG up. If she calls back let it go to voicemail.
She is distant and I am sure upset at 1) the fact dad is in rehab 2) that dad has dementia 3) that she is not there to see him.
When dad starts in on you just say "dad, I have an appointment" and leave. Give him a hug and walk out. No further conversation.
It is possible that medication for anxiety might help.
Might also be a time to consider moving dad from Assisted Living to Memory Care.

So 2 parts. When I became paralyzed and had to be in the hospital for 9 months, my parents attempting to help sold almost all my beloved things I had worked 36 years to accumulate on craigslist or garage sale. They kept track of the money for me, but the anger I felt was such you can't even.
I want you to understand when you loose the ability to work, drive, pretty much live there is much anger that goes with that. Now I want you to remember you will be old or disabled one day, ARE ALL THE CHOICES you are making for your father conveniently for YOU or for him. If you answer honestly, you will understand why he is upset. Seriously I lived in a nursing home, when people become an inconvenience the choices you make about them are not the same as if they were 40

It's not ok to stay in a toxic relationship, have your sister or another family member take over sounds like it's their turn.

Fyi ........sorry he feels that way... is passive aggressive minimizing what the other person feels or experience etc....psychcentral.com 2019/01

Maybe get some help, best wishes

Let him go and out of your life.

This, and I don't care about personality traits or dementia, is just simply unfair and NOT acceptable and must not be tolerated. You do not deserve this for whatever reason. However, often it is the ones that people love the most that they go after and abuse. I don't know that this could be one of the reasons - but you are there doing things for him so he lashes out his fury. You have, I assume, tried talking to him and making others aware of this and nothing changes. In that case, YOU must change - you at once put boundaries - tell him one last time, enough is enough and if it does not stop, you are out of the picture and he is someone else's problem. So what you must do is NOT answer the phone and if you do, the minute he starts in - HANG UP AT ONCE. Also stop visiting and doing anything - it just makes him more angry because he has a punching bag handy but he is destroying YOU. YOU must look after yourself. He is gone and while you feel bad, you can't fix him but that does not permit his behavior. Be tough and walk away - be in the distance or call but once the behavior starts, leave at once.

You'll need to learn to not let it bother you.
Dad is living in He'll.
Regsb/Nursing Homes are an Awful place to be in.
They are all understaffed and you can lay in your own urine and feeces for up to 45 minutes or longer.
The one in Misdouri City TX that my sister was suppose to be a 3 rating because all the rest of them I check were rated a 2 and it looks OK from the outside but the only two good things I can say about it is, the place doesn't smell like urine and you can visit anytime between 9AM and 6 PM.
Your things disappear at Nursing Homes so don't bring anything of value.
Juse overnight my sisters blanket was gone and I was told it was in laundry and I asked about it several times all week and it's been 3 weeks and no one knows where it is. Other things also disappear but I read about that on line regarding all of the Nursing Homes.
My Sister was in there 2 weeks before she got a Shower.
My sister calls me up crying wanting out and I'm trying to line up her next operation so she can get it, recover and get out of there.

Someone needs to visit every day to let the people there know that your loved one is being checked on.

Beleven me, your Dad needs to get out as fast as he can.

TRyan to be patient with him and let him know you're trying to get him out.

Be careful about them telling you he's agitated or depressed and want to give him meds to help as the only person he helps are the Aides and Nurses as far as your Dad goes, the meds just tun him in to a zombieike

Set some boundaries, limit visits and phone calls. As soon as the tirade begins leave or hang up. You do not have to take every call from your sister either.

Everyone not taking on the responsibilities you have are critics. Let them take a turn.

Both of my parents despised rehab but it was necessary. My mother and I had a poor relationship until I took some advice and let her have a chance to miss me. Now she is a completely different person. I used to leave her apartment angry and in tears.

We have to teach people how to treat us.

Be thankful you can leave.

Sounds like your dad trusts only you to be strong enough and loving enough to accept his frustration (expressed as anger).

Have you told your sister, “No, everything is not okay. Dad is paranoid & choosing me as his verbal punching bag. I expect your support.”

You can try telling dad he’s got 20 minutes to complain and set a timer so when the alarm goes off, you say times up. If he slows down, tell him he still has a few minutes left. If he doesn’t stop after the alarm goes off, you leave.

Try for 30 days. If it works, you have a quantified time you gift dad to put his frustration & you might have some time to actually visit. You might get to a point where you ask if he wants his visit time or unhappy time first. Then you can test slowly dropping the whine time.

If the behavior modification doesn’t work, you can still set the alarm & when it goes off, tell dad his time is up and leave.

The point is, you are managing the situation.

That said, paranoia needs evaluation. My psychiatrist dad once treated a paranoid patient whose doctor prescribed a sleeping pill regiment that created a not awake-not asleep twilight that created hallucinations. The hallucinations created paranoia. What’s the root cause of the paranoia? Is it being treated? Is the treatment the best solution and is it properly titrated (dosed)?

You could speak with the AL management and discuss what criteria needs to be met for your father to return there. The rehab facility will gladly keep him for as long as insurance (I assume Medicare) is covering his stay.

When my brother (78) was discharged from the hospital after a major surgery, they wanted him to go to rehab and we simply said no and had an aide at home. You have a lot more power than you might think.

If he does need to be in rehab, maybe he is in the wrong place. In our area the rehabs run by Catholic Charities (and I am Jewish) are by far the best. You might want to speak with a hospice chaplain to get his/her opinion about available facilities.

hugs everyone!! :)

these situations are very difficult.
and it seems soooo many of us, are in these abusive situations.

indeed - i think they see every contact as an opportunity to abuse/lash out/use you as a punching bag.
they might be sweet sometimes...but the abuse ALWAYS comes back. oh boy.

we might be having a great day, and then it's destroyed by LO screaming at us/insulting us/etc.

and --
the truth is, that IT IS damaging. it does indeed destroy you.

there is a reason people study how to destroy someone psychologically -- it's because it works.
grey rock, try not to take it personally, etc... ---- the truth is, abuse DOES destroy you.

you'll realize it even more, when/if you can take a break, get away for a while. you'll see how much more relaxed/happy you are, without being screamed at.

CASE 1:
sometimes, the origin of the nastiness really is the illness.
for example, a sweet parent suddenly becomes mean/nasty with dementia.

CASE 2:
sometimes, it really isn't the illness.
they've been abusive your whole life, and you were always the target (not everyone; YOU were the target).

i do know of case 1 examples...
and it was much easier for family to be understanding of the elderly ill LO.

obviously, there are many examples of case 2.

perhaps it helps if one thinks:
IF my father/mother really loved me, what would they want me to do? would they want me to stick around and get abused/traumatized/destroyed?

it's really not easy.
my solution has been to really cut down on contact.
i really love my LOs.
i love myself too. and i must protect myself.

save yourself.

only we know all the facts of our particular situation...
...and if we feel guilty for a certain decision...i do think we should listen to that...guilty feelings are a warning to ourselves...and no matter what people say ("you're doing the right thing"), YOU'RE the one who has to live with the guilty feelings/decisions...(normally it's a guilty feeling of not having done enough/the right thing for our LOs).
...at the same time, we must also be accountable to ourselves. am i being guilty towards myself? not doing enough for me, not doing the right thing for me? in a sense, many of us are much more willing to care for others in need, than for ourselves in need. and sometimes, it's even easier to solve other people's problems/health, than to solve our own problems/health.

we must have empathy for ourselves.

i send lots of hugs to all of us, in our difficult situations.

i would say:
be careful --- take care of your life.
it's not just that being screamed at/insulted is damaging...
it's that it takes your time/energy/steals opportunities...

there are all sorts of wonderful experiences/encounters/events/meeting people/getting inspired/life/opportunities, you can miss out on, because you're busy being screamed at, and then it takes weeks/months to recover from the screaming, during which time you're busy reading self-help books/comments, also missing out on nice opportunities in life.

in other words, the damage is greater than what we realize, i think.

as some people posted, ideally ederly LOs created a situation/made decisions, so that adult children are not put into a position where they have to make difficult decisions, and feel guilt/etc.

but almost all of us on this website, are in situations, where the LOs left it all to the adult children. so now the adult children have to make the difficult decisions.

somehow, one has to find a good balance.
how much do i help my LOs?
how much do i help myself?

loving parents want you to be happy and successful.
and if your parents aren't loving...well, if they would be loving, that's what they would want for you.

it's also extremely sexist, because 99.999999% of us are WOMEN, caring for others.
say NO.

don't let this sexist thing continue.

i don't mean don't help at all.
i mean, we women have a right to have a life too!!!!!
not just all these men going out and having a full life!!!!!!

Walk away when he is ugly. Tell him you will see him when he's in a better mood. Hang up if he's ugly on the phone. Record one of his tirades and play it for your sister.
Life is too short to deal with toxic people, even if they are blood relatives. Hugs to you sweetie for putting up with his BS.

I am sorry you are going through that. I know it is tramatic and stress inducing. Ive been in your situation.
Unfortunately the only one who is going to change the dynamics is you. They enjoy using you as a verbal punching bag. They dont have to change. You allow it. You are going to have to stand up for yourself better. That is the only way it will change. I think you are around 2 narcissists/bullies and have been your whole life.
You have to stop the abuse. Stop feeling guilty bc you are standing up for yourself. You will get less abuse if you do, but it will get worse before it gets better, bc they have been allowed to abuse you, and arent going to like the new you. They don't feel bad after dumping on you. Punching bag days are over. Keep repeating that in your head. As much as you need to.
I would do 1 visit. If your dad starts in on you, I would say I'm done putting up with this blame and abuse. Walk out immediately. Stop giving them free room in your head. Only YOU can do that. Keep telling yourself that is what normal people do in reality. They don't take abuse. If a stranger were yelling at you, would you take that? No you wouldn't. So why take it from your family? Oh that's different. No it isnt.
Your dad is being taken care of. He doesn't need you there. That is what staff is for. He will be ok when you walk out. You need less contact. If you want to know, call the nurse's desk. Tell them you can't take the abuse. They can call you when he has been moved back. You need to walk out every time he does that.
I would also call his doc and say you think he I'd depressed bc of the constant abuse/complaining. That is the way depression comes out in folks too. Doc can change his meds.
As for your sister she can go there herself. If she wants info she can call the nurses. She is an adult and can get the info from him. He obviously has a phone to call you. She can call him.
Block her, or if you don't have the guts to do that yet, screen calls and don't return them. She'll figure it out. A normal adult would block her texts if she got abusive. That is what healthy normal people do. Do you think Dr Phil takes abuse from his guests on the show? No he says we're done here. That's how healthy normal people react. You need to learn that. It will take time. You didn't know healthy. Now you will.
I think the dynamics have always been bad. You are the scapegoat in the family. You need to break the cycle. Narcs won't. They like abusing. They have trained you to feel guilty. Do you think the staff tolerates that? No they don't. That is the normal reaction.
I had the same. For awhile you will feel tremendous guilt. Remember you have been programmed to not stand up to that. You are going to tell yourself, this is what normal healthy people do. Not take abuse. Every time you feel guilty tell yourself I'm not going to do that. It is abnormal. And say I'm doing normal now. I have even said that to myself and my family. I even told them Im no longer doing crazy. They even teased me about that. But I still walked away. They knew they have sick dynamics. I did not respond. It is ABUSE. It is always ABUSE. It did get better but it took time. Don't be surprised when they both try to gang up on you. It's what narcs do. Then you won't be around. You aren't taking abuse.
Only you can change the dynamics. A fake apology then complaining should get the person hung up on, or you walk. EVERY TIME. NO EXEPTIONS.
Your husband can't fix your messed up family. Only you can change how you react. That's why he doesn't really do much. You need to.
Unfortunatly your family will always be sick. How you react must change. If you are longing for a normal family. its not there, never was. It hurts but it's the truth. I still morn what never was. It did get better but it took time.
Isnt it funny around staff, strangers, friends they can be normal and charming? So they do know how to behave. They can knock it off. You must make them. Good luck.

It might help with your sister if you video a few of your dad's rants and share with her. Just sayin'. I'm the local caregiver & the one that hears the complaining, which is pretty mild stuff compared to what you have to deal with. The guilt it induces is awful. I'd also limit your contacts--you're just getting a barrage of criticism you don't deserve, so give yourself a break from it this holiday season. Not really anything you can do to shorten his time in rehab, so maybe best to duck-n-cover until he gets cut loose. Hopefully once dad gets back to rehab he'll feel better.

If I hear from my DH that his mom needs to be forgiven for her over the top nastiness to me ONE MORE TIME, I am going to slap him.

Yes, at 91, she's miserable and cranky. Never says ANYTHING nice or kind to me.

BUT, this isn't 'new'..this has been how she'd been for 46 years to me.

I walked out her door 2 years and have not looked back. DH is mad at me every time he guiltily goes to see her. "If you'd just come with me, it'd be easier". Yeah, it would b/c she would spend the entire hour reminding me how much I have disappointed her and ruined DH's life. He has NEVER stood up for me.

Enough was enough. My last 'conversation' with her had her asking me when my cancer was going to come back. (I was still pretty bald at the time). Really? I said I was sorry for HER that I didn't die, and then walked out, telling her I was giving her the last gift I'd ever give her--I would never see her again.

And I haven't.

It’s very difficult when someone has issues with personality changes due to age. Maybe he has always treated you as a scape goat and your sister as the golden child (classic narcissistic traits) apologies if this is not the case.

do not allow anyone to treat you like this. Tell your sister to come down and handle it if she is not happy with the status quo.

they both need you more than you need them, remember that, you have more power than you think.

best thing to tell your dad is it’s not your fault it’s the doctors and they are keeping you in. Lie, it’s the best form of self preservation.

https://youtube.com/shorts/4zQWWI-iCMI?feature=share

Hi DoingMyBest73,
You are strong. You are doing your best. Other family members need to step in and experience your Dad's condition or they will not understand. Please think of yourself during all of this and always remember that you are not to blame for any of it. You are truly doing your best.

I am always curious how people with cognitive issues they can't help are able to turn it off and on depending on who they are talking to. Makes me wonder if they can really control themselves since they pick and choose who they verbally abuse. It seems if they really had no control they would do it to everyone.

Wow, between your husband, dad and sister it sounds like you're caught up in a triangle of awfulness. First of all, it strikes me that your husband really isn't being supportive, he's being passive-aggressive. I mean, would he appreciate that same attitude from you if his dad was treating him that way? My guess would be no. To me, a truly supportive husband would try to help you find a solution. Obviously I'm not familiar with all of the dynamics of your family situation and relationships, but maybe your husband should take over your responsibilities for a few weeks and see how he likes it. He might have a really different perspective if he had to deal with the same things you do, instead of observing them from a comfortable distance.
Your sister sounds like the typical uninvolved sibling. If she really cared about her father (or you) again just like your husband she should be offering real help instead of just shirking responsibility and laying blame all on one person. It's so easy for others to be backseat drivers in these situations, yet when the rubber hits the road all of their sanctimonious squawking adds up to no real action. Would she step in if you just took a break for a month? My guess would be no, because talk is easy, action is much harder. If at all possible, I would try to sit down or at least chat with both of them and explain that they aren't doing enough. It's easier said than done for sure, but if it's at all possible for you to let them know that you can't go on with the entire world on your shoulders, then I would suggest doing that. If they won't talk to you or they won't be reasonable, then it might be time to wash your hands of this situation for a while. You can still call and check on your father's condition, because no one wants to be totally uninvolved with a loved one's care, but that should be it. Don't answer his calls, don't respond to calls or texts from your sister, and don't let your husband foist any guilt onto you. Just announce that you're taking a break, because you damn well deserve one. If you can, it might be best to actually take a trip or even a long drive without your husband. Let them all miss you for a while. The saying "You don't know what you have until it's gone" stands true, and when you come back onto the scene they'll have a better appreciation for you.
Again, all of this is easier said than done, and I understand that because I'm stuck in a kind of similar situation. I just hope that this helps at least a little and that you can take the break and time for yourself that you deserve. No one needs to feel like a punching bag, no one needs to carry the weight of the world alone, and you are absolutely doing your best. God bless.

Rehab places are not always the best places to be for the elderly. They're not getting the attention they would get in a hospital - and most likely are getting the minimum of their needs met. This leaves the patient feeling a huge loss of control over their lives. Your Dad is feeling scared and neglected. Try looking at it from that angle.
Your father's rants are made to you because you are the one in control now and he is feeling scared and abandoned. I'm NOT saying he is neglected or that you're not doing a great job. I'm just trying to make you see how vulnerable he is feeling.
When he complains, just say things that make him feel like you hear his distress.
"Dad, I know you want to get out of there and I want you too also. So please make sure to do your physical therapy so I can bust you out of there soon!" "Don't worry, you'll be back in your AL home very soon, I promise!" Words of encouragement and hope will calm him and make him feel heard and may even motivate him.
I don't agree with those who say ignore him, put your foot down, etc. because those tactics would annoy and agitate anyone. Please realize that your sister really isn't get the full picture when both of you are screaming and complaining. Finally, keep in mind that our parents and siblings always trigger the worst responses in us - we'd do much better if we treated them as someone else relatives lol That's my 2 cents.

DoesMyBest is such an appropriate name. First, you are not the only one enduring this experience. My mother treats me the way your dad treats you. It hurts, especially since you are the one that is visiting and doing what is needed. Being a punching bag is physically, mentally and emotionally draining. Try to self-care (even if it is just 5 minutes of doing breathing exercises) In my experience, I have walked away, went outside and get some fresh air and refresh! Also, I pray a lot for patience and self-control to hold back what I want to say. It is difficult, challenging and heart-breaking to watch our loved ones age. Some escalate to such extremes without any remorse and some act differently because of mental disorders. Depression, anxiety, Alzheimer’s, dementia and unresolved issues are often complicated and unmanageable. Just be patient, compassionate and continue doing YOUR best.

1st of all why are you not getting help and support from your out of state sister. How convenient for her to look like the good guy with your dad when she calls you with her concerns. I'm sorry but if she really is concerned, she needs to step up to the plate herself by supporting you with all that you are doing for him that she is NOT! There are things she can do for him even though she lives far away to lighten your load. Make no mistake about it. Secondly, yelling and screaming is part and partial to a failing mind. Your dad is losing everything. His freedom, his personal belongings, His mobility, His right to make his own decisions, His memory. I always try to remember that when my 79-year-old mom does the same to me but I still can't stand it. It's emotionally, spiritually and physically exhausting and it pisses me off when I'm the one doing all I can do for her. She's rude and calls me filthy names but then an hour later acts as if she never did that to begin with. Your sister needs to get off your ass and help you and you CAN walk away when he acts like that. How are you going to be good to him, your husband or anyone else if you are not good to yourself first! You need to preserve your sanity in order to preserve your health! The only reason he is doing this to you and no one else is because this is what they do. They attack the ones that are closest to them that are doing the most for them. It's hard not to take it personal. Just breath and learn to walk away when he acts that way. It's not going to get any better on his part but it can get better on yours! Good Luck!

DoingMyBest73: Imho, oftentimes it is true that one person in the family dynamic gets treated likes the proverbial "chopped liver." However, you do NOT have to be the receiver of acrimony.