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I'm a daughter, and while I'm not the only child, I have been the caregiver for my folks -- the one who has looked out for them through some really difficult circumstances. Years ago, we had a family financial/legal issue that drove me crazy and gave me such dread, I was so worried for my folks -- and I felt my folks were enabling some really terrible behavior. I felt so much resentment about that. Thank God, the situation has long passed and so has my resentment, but in the midst of the troubles, these two experiences happened with me and my elderly parents, and they cause me so much guilt and remorse:



1) Years ago, I was caring for my mom (who was in the hospital and needed me to come pick her up) and my dad (who was at home, with dementia). I had to get Dad ready to go with me to pick Mom up from the hospital (and bring them back, so I could go to work), and Dad was having a very argumentative and angry morning, and wouldn't move (to get dressed). He was standing and refusing to budge, and in exasperation, I said, "Come on, Dad", and slapped him in the side so that he would move and get dressed. I didn't hurt him, but surprised him.
2) Again, years ago, while arguing with my mom (who is alert and no dementia) about a dreadful financial situation I felt she was enabling, we got into a terrible argument, and I slapped her (thankfully not hurting her). I didn't recall this until I was reading through an old journal, and, again, it has compounded my guilt.
I was able to apologize to my father (who has since passed), and to my mother, and she and I have a very close and sweet relationship. But my guilt is great and remains, and I wonder what to do with it?

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Dwelling in the past, on things that happened years ago with your dad who is now at perfect peace, will not accomplish a single useful thing NOW. What's done is done and cannot be undone, so all we can do is learn from these mistakes and strive not to repeat them, But to make better choices. Live in the present moment, knowing it's all we have that's relevant. Guilt serves no useful purpose but to remind us of our imperfections as humans. Move past all this and allow yourself some Grace to live in peace with the good choices you make on a daily basis.
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ConcernedSisA May 2023
Thank you for your gracious wisdom, which comforts me! The incident with my dear Dad was probably about 8-9 years ago, and Mom's was further back, around 15. I am very grateful that they were both able to forgive me, and knew of my love for them, and so thankful that, as you wrote, Dad is "in perfect peace." Amen.
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I will share with you one of my all time favorite sayings and I hope you take it to heart.

"NEVER BE A PRISONER OF YOUR PAST. IT WAS JUST A LESSON, NOT A LIFE SENTENCE."
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Way2tired May 2023
Very wise Funky . Thank you
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Not sure where you are spiritually, but in scripture God never says to stew in the past. Never, except to learn from or be inspired by it. Are you saying that those 2 slaps totally negated all the good, great and wonderful times you had with them? May you receive peace in your heart!
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ConcernedSisA May 2023
Thank you so much. In my middle ages I've become very anxious and many regrets have come to the surface. But I am a Christian, and yes, I believe in God's healing, forgiveness, and peace. Thank you for this affirmation of the truth!
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I shared last week how a brother of mine who knows how trying my mom can be (but lives out of state, so is not involved like I am) suggested either I take a valium each time I meet with my mom or I drop one into her coffee, to de escalate the tension that surely comes

I said dropping a valium in her coffee is illegal. He said so is killing someone.

I guess what I did take away is I somehow had to create space or boundaries each time I met with her to prevent the situation from getting so tense I do something violent.

I have not resorted to physical violence but have blown my top and said things I regretted, so have not always been successful. But I try to do shorter stays, more in public discussions, (where she treats me better too) and other tricks.
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Parents lose patience with kids sometimes. Well now we are the parents and they are the children that we care for , only they can be even more stubborn than children . It is what it is . We are human. Torturing yourself isn’t helping .
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ConcernedSisA May 2023
Thank you for this reminder.
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Acknowledge you lashed out when angry in those past examples. Own the anger. Make a deal with yourself to find better ways to deal wirh anger going forward. Catch yourself when heating up, delay, take big breathes, literally take a step away until calmer. Use your words to express how you feel. Go give your Mom a hug today.
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ConcernedSisA May 2023
thank you for this practical wisdom. Yes, these are good examples of how I can own my emotion but not lash out in anger again via a slap. While I don't think that I "hurt" my folks, as in causing much (if any) physical pain (although I suppose a slap does sting, and maybe hurt a bit), the slaps were shocks to them, I'm sure, because we'd had such affectionate relationships through the years. Ultimately, the slaps were so very dishonoring. Since then, I've tried to honor Mom, and be a blessing to her, and we have a lot of fun together. Yes, I'm trying to make every day precious with Mom.
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Accept that you aren’t perfect. I will let you in on a little secret, I am not perfect, nor is anyone else in this world. If anyone claims to be perfect they are lying.

I am sure that your parents forgave you. When we love someone, we forgive them. We realize that they didn’t do anything deliberately to harm us.

You don’t mention that they held a grudge against you, so all is forgiven. Now it is time to forgive yourself.

I would be willing to bet that you showed your love for them many, many times greater than you slipped up out of frustration.

Wishing you peace and sending hugs your way.
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ConcernedSisA May 2023
Thank you so much. I've been reading my old journals today and was reminded of the many sweet times I shared with Dad and Mom over the years, so I thank God for those.
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My look...I was the one who was there for my parents. I am the one that was there for every Hospital and Rehab stay. I was the one who was POA and made every decision concerning Mom. Yes, I felt guilty losing patience with her (she too lacked patience). Yes, I smacked her hand once like I would a small child for continually touching something she shouldn't and I felt guilty. But again, it was just me out of 3 children. So, I refuse to feel guilty. On the whole Mom was well cared for in my home, at the AL and later at Long-term care. My slip ups were only a fraction of what I did for my parents. I did not give up my life for them but they knew they could depend on me. They never took advantage of that. So, I think I was allowed to get angry ever now and then.
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ConcernedSisA May 2023
I hear you, and can empathize big time. You are right: "slip ups were only a fraction" of the greater story of your care for your parents, and I'm trying to see mine that way, too. Thank you for your encouragement.
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When one feels guilty, it's very hard to sleep peacefully. No matter what someone says to try to make another person feel better, ultimately you OP are the one who really knows whether you should feel guilty or not.

Let's say hypothetically, you should. In that case, do nice things for your mother (of course you already do that), but also for the sake of your conscience. You will feel when you reach the point of feeling OK with yourself.
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ConcernedSisA May 2023
Thank you so much. Getting input on this board has helped so much. I think the slaps were such a blow, emotionally, to my folks (and to me) -- a sort of betrayal, and that's maybe one of the most painful aspects of it, but YES, there is healing in being present for Mom and loving her well now.
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