Dad lives 60 miles away, he's 84. Mum died suddenly just over a year ago.
Care agency carers go in twice a day, and he has home help 2 -3 times a week.
Recently when I call he is very grumpy and when I ask how he is he just says 'bloody awful' ... he's sleeping a lot, and other than porridge for breakfast he is chasing to hardly eat, yet if he comes to stay with me he eats well.
I am struggling with my own grief following mum's sudden death, Ive a hectic lifestyle, a husband and 2 boys.
I'm convinced that his grumpy outbursts are reserved only for me - my sister gets none of them as she hardly calls.
Any sage advice?
Sometimes, a loss of this type makes you rethink your own "hectic" lifestyle. Maybe take the boys with you to visit their grandfather to reminisce about grandma and talk though grandpa's memories. I think that will help your Dad immensely. He's lonely, I'm sure, after losing his life partner. A broken heart can surely shorten life. Care Agency and home helpers are not family. My Mom and Dad and my in-laws are both gone now (in a matter of months for 3 of them ~ all in their late 80's) and I miss them terribly. 60 miles is less than an hour. Visit as often as you can. You won't regret it.
She said she was lonely so wanted to get a dog or cat. I talked her out of that....bad on so many levels at her age (86 and a fall risk--cat or dog would be a trip hazard, she'd not able to protect the animal if it gets loose, and not sure she was up to taking care of it-pet waste wise)...so I talked her into getting two budgies. It in no way takes the place of a person...I totally get that...but it gives her something to take some of her attention, and give affection to. Meantime, I'm always asking her if she can take the free transport over to the Senior Center (where there are all sorts of activities and outtings), and even maybe start going to church to meet people there. She keeps saying she's open to that, but so far hasn't gone. We'll see....I'll keep working on her about that.
If your father can't (won't?) move closer to you, and otherwise has his facilities, perhaps you can bring up some of the above as suggestions for him. Staying social is important for brain health.
Exercise is really important too. I bought my mom a rowing machine a few years ago, and she actually does use it daily...sometimes twice a day for 15 minutes at a time. I tell her the key is not to push herself, but just to maintain motion to keep mobile.
Agreed that (even though it's hard) you should not take it personally when he's grumpy. He is venting to you, as you are family and likely the only one he feels it is safe to vent to. Believe me, when he is gone, you will look back on this time and be glad you let him vent and didn't take it personally. You have your family...he has just you (not saying you aren't a wonderful person...just that you have your family to vent to, and he does not).
But boundaries are important too. Letting him vent and not taking it personally, doesn't mean you have to be his punching bag. Just let him know when it's too much, that you understand he is venting, but you won't take it if he goes over the line and you will talk with him tomorrow when hopefully he's in a better mood.
You are the familiar in his life and that anger has to go somewhere. It's not you so much as his situation. Could he/would he move closer to you so visitation could be more often?
You are responding as you do ... and need to give yourself options on how you want to respond. Feel through all your feelings and own them. Otherwise, others - from all walks of life - will be 'in charge' of your reactions. It is a learned process through awareness - of what's running you and deciding not to allow that any longer. It takes patience and commitment to be aware of how one feels and work to shift out of automatic responses.
The first step is realizing that you feel as you feel. No one is making you feel a certain way. Automatic responses are just that - we do not 'think' about the response ... we are / allow our self to 'just' be in it ... and accept it as 'they are doing this to me.'
Clearly, automatic responses are often life-long learned patterns of behavior. Realize you can change how you feel / 'take in' an other's words / behavior - see it 'out there' to examine,' not merged with who you are.
When a person realizes they have options on how to process through feelings, they own them and make decisions accordingly, owning their experience. It is empowerment. Be gentle and patient with yourself ... this is a new way of being / explore your inner self ... feelings. When you do this, they change.
It is essential for our own holistic health - emotional, mental, spiritual and physical health (in an already stressful situation). We need to do all we can to 'keep our self' together ... and continually re-adjust how we feel to find our equanimity ... to keep going.
Gena / Touch Matters
This is about adjustment & grief.
Dad has to re-look at his life over the next months & decide what to keep, what to let go of. Is staying in his home still the best option for him? Is he too lonely? What can he do about that?
The word "guilt" has attached to it responsibility. So it is the wrong word.
You aren't responsible. You didn't cause this. You can't fix this.
The word "grief" is so much more appropriate. Your dad is suffering and his pain is causing pain for all who love him.
You feel hopeless to come up with a fix, and the truth is that you HAVE come up with a fix in that he is receiving care.
Be a bit more easy on yourself. There is reason enough to pain, grief, helplessness in our experiencing and witnessing the hopelessness and loss of end of life. There is no "fix-it" for this. You aren't omnipotent. I am so sorry for the pain of you all.
It’s hard to see our parents unhappy and upset about their circumstances. Please know that you have done your best to care for him.
Your family is your first priority, so there isn’t a reason for you to feel guilty. You can’t be in two places at one time. Your dad has help to care for him.
Perhaps he is lonely and would benefit from more socialization. Would he be more content in an assisted living facility? What were his interests before your mom died? Could he participate in activities at a senior community center?
If he relies on you, then naturally you are going to be the person that he lashes out at. Your sister isn’t involved in his life and isn’t around much.
People tend to lash out at the person they are closest to.
I’m sorry that you are catching the brunt of it all. Has he always been grumpy or is it just since your mom has died? If he has always been grumpy then you can’t expect him to change at this point in time.
Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.
Yes he is guilt tripping you because he can. He doesn't guilt trip ur sister because she can't be guilted. I am one of 4 and the one Mom always tried to make feel guilty. My brother called her the martyr. Dad does not seem to have any serious illnesses. Of course he is depressed, he lost his wife of many years. She probably did everything, so he is kind of lost. But you are not her and you can't take her place. What do these people do that come in 2x a day? What does the home help do the 2 or 3x a week that they come in? Does he allow them to do what they are there for?
Its ridiculous for you or him to think that you can drive round trip 2 hrs a day to meet his needs. Tell him you understand he misses Mom but he cannot expect you to take her place. He needs to rely on himself. Go to the Senior center and meet some new friends. See if one of the aides can get him out of the house.
I like when he complains ask him what he is going to do about it. Because Dad, I can't be there 24/7.
Get him more help and the depression screening. That seems to be part of the issue.
I would suggest to detach yourself from his cranky feelings when he expresses them. Say something like oh or I'm sorry and change the subject. Your dad is the only one who can help himself out of his own bad mood. Don't let him indulge the wrongheaded idea that it's your job to do that AND be his whipping post.
Welcome to the forum. I’m sorry for the loss of your mom.
About dads attitude towards you and sis, if he is like many elders I have a few thoughts.
I suspect you are the person who organizes dads helpers which although he probably knows he needs them, wishes he didn’t. You are apparently “in charge” so it must be your fault he is old, his wife died and he has the various women in his house who can’t cook like you or your mom did. 🙄🤔🤨
Without mom, his days are empty.
Sis, I’m assuming, is not the one doing all the work. She is company. She is to brighten his life. With her he can pretend his life doesn’t suck. She’s not all wrapped up in running his life. This is called “show-timing”.
His attitude and behavior are so very common and aggravating to you. You are trying so hard to help him and he doesn’t appear appreciative. Check out the link below on show-timing.
Poor guy. He is probably depressed and his situation is depressing. When my DH aunt was asked why she was going to bed, she would say, might as well. It wasn’t like her and an antidepressant really helped her.
Your dad might qualify for home health through Medicare. They would check on him weekly. His doctor would need to see him. Tell the doctor before the appointment what is going on so he can assess dad for depression. Medicare pays for a depression screening once a year. The Geriatric Depression Scale, is a list of yes/no questions that you can read over yourself and probably help you decide if this is what is going on. It’s on the attached link.
Also talk therapy and/or grief support might be helpful. Medicare will pay for therapy if you can find a therapist who accepts Medicare.
Let sister know how much dad enjoys her calls. Share with her these links so she better understand what you are dealing with.
https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/geriatric-depression-scale
https://coping.today/what-does-showtime-mean/
One last thing. Get dads weight on a regular basis, like once a week. Jot it on a calendar. This will help you judge over a period of time If he is losing weight and how much. This will be helpful to his doctor.
I’m really not much on taking meds but an antidepressant might help you as well. it’s helping me.
Big hugs and Happy Mother’s Day.
Sage advice? "Sorry to hear that, Dad." "That sounds hard." "What's your plan for that?"
Don't try to manage his food intake or get him to do anything different. If he's of sound mind, he gets to eat porridge and nothing else. Limit the amount of time you spend on the phone and visit if your presence isn't helping. Your own family needs you, and they should come first. You can't let him drain your happiness and energy.
Hang in there.