This week has been horrible, as you are all aware. Today the neighbors came by and low and behold, she acted normal. I told the neighbors what was going on and how I am placing her. It seems everyone is against it and thinks I'm a horrible person. They don't see what goes on 24/7, but I feel guilty on days like this when she acts normal. Am I going the right thing?
I'm having a difficult week to, dealing with a bit of guilt to, and a lot of family issues. So we all have those days
If you are placing her because her care is more than you can manage SAFELY.
If you are placing her because you want the best for her.
Then you are doing the right thing.
I always said when I was caring for my Husband that I was "ruled" by 2 major organs. My HEART and my HEAD.
There were some decisions that I had to rely on my HEAD to make and hope that my HEART would understand.
Those are the tough decisions.
If you are doing the best you can that is all anyone can ask of you...including yourself.
Tell your neighbors to go pound sand!
Only you know if you're doing the right thing, but know that your mother is only going to get worse.
So tell her neighbors that if they'd like to take on her care so she doesn't have to be placed, to go right ahead.
You need to get back to your life and your grandson, before you lose too much more time with him. You will NEVER get that time back.
So quit prolonging the inevitable.
Place Mom so you are both safe and you can be a less stressed advocate , and daughter to visit .
Don’t tell the neighbors your family business. They have no understanding of what it’s like .
No guilt . You did not cause your mother’s illness.
You have done your best.
She will be safe & professionals will handle her.
(your neighbors can shove it)
ALMOST THERE.....STAY STRONG!
You didn't cause your mom's dementia, and you can't fix it.
And you really can't expect others to have even the slightest idea of her condition.
And it isn't their business no matter how "nosy" they want to be.
Simply smile, tell them "You really aren't living with this, so I understand you mean well, but really, this is not your business to judge. I am so thankful you love and care for her, and I hope that means you will visit her and love on her with lots of frequency."
You can't make everyone happy. You need now to make you mom safe and make yourself and your life whole again. I know you have a pretty good "take", a "good read" if you will on human psychology overall. You understand that people WILL do this. It's easier to be mad at you than sad about her. You cannot possibly explain every little thing to every little person.
You are heading into grief here, but not guilt. Guilt infers cause and a refusal to fix things that are fixable. This isn't, and will only get worse.
You are very engaged on this site. I know you have read lots already on this old "guilt dilemma" and on how people judge others. We recently had an OP who was in 80s trying long as she could to care for hubby, whose own KIDS were judging her. Luckily you have the marvelous support of your DD.
So many people I know have been criticized for putting a relative in memory care. "Memory Care" sounds so mild....mom can't recall where she put her phone, and the toothpaste keeps turning up in the fridge, so her Terrible Daughter sent her to Memory Care instead of keeping her at home. Shame on Daughter!
But those things are like one-tenth of the story. Mom also poops in her dresser drawer, walks around naked when the cable guy is in the house, lets loose with shocking expletives to her toddler grandkids. Common decency doesn't allow us to spread the word about mom eating her arthritis gel or chewing on centipedes.
Cousin Minnehaha takes offense that poor auntie is now locked down in Memory Care, which she thinks is a terrible place full of ogres and torturers, when auntie only has "mild dementia" (IMO there is no such thing) and just misplaces her phone now and then.
If you're a caregiver, seriously consider telling would-be critics exactly what dear mom does. They might be more understanding and helpful. We caregivers are prone to suffering in silence way too much.
We might get more support from family and community if conversations went something like this: Neighbor - “How’s your mama? I haven’t seen her out and about for a while.” Us - “Well, today she didn’t get to the bathroom on time because she sometimes forgets where it is. She got her pants down and then had explosive diarrhea, so I cleaned her up, gave her a knockout pill to stop her crying, and spent three hours cleaning her clothes, the floor and the wall right down into the baseboards. Do you know anything that will get rid of the stink?”
If they don’t know, they won’t unless you tell them.
Please know that we are all rooting for you :)