This is more of our ongoing saga... very sad and devastating for wife and her sisters.
They are still working on getting him into a memory care facility. Things are moving, including getting him set up for Medicaid, but in the meantime, he still has some lucid moments. The other day, along with "why am I in here" and "I want to go home", he told my wife: I don't want to be with your mother anymore. Of course, she has been desperate for him to get out... no one has really told them that there is no going back to the both of them living alone at home.
They have been (seemingly happily) married for about 60 years. It is easy to guess that his outburst is due to the dementia, but it was still heartbreaking for my wife to hear him say this.
I did not say this before, but when he was in the Navy, he worked on a hospital ship with some mental cases... presumably things were not as "enlightened" then, and he has a deep fear of being "locked up" like that. This is making the whole process of getting him to a safe place that much more difficult.
Anyway, no real question here... although hearing others' experiences is always helpful.
Thanks,
Bood
Dad wound up in a Nursing Home and Mom started to work there so that she could be with him all day. She worked hard doing the laundry and dragging heavy loads of clothes and linen. She would also visit him on her days off.
she was a "constance" in his life.
You can imagine my distress to hear her say, now that she has dementia, that she didn't want to be with him anymore, because he drank too much! My idea of their love for each other was shattered. When Mom asks about Dad and I tell her that he has passed, she doesn't even shed a tear. So I can understand your wife being upset. But, as they say, this too will pass. I wish you and your wife..PEACE.
That out of the way.
It is the dementia talking. And your wife realizes that but it is difficult knowing that her father is declining and it will not get better but worse and she will loose him.
That is tough to handle. And the VA has some great Support Groups for caregivers and she and you should look into them.
When my best friend got sick, we were not prepared. Because her husband was too ill to do things, I eventually became POA and Health Care Proxy for both of them (kids on each coast, none nearby.) She went to the ER and was admitted to the hospital for 2 weeks. Thinking she would go home, we didn't prepare enough ahead of time. The hospital gave us 30 minutes to decide on where she would go for rehab. Unfortunately, we chose the one closest to home, sight unseen, not knowing what we were getting into. It was beyond horrible!
She almost died in the nursing home rehab because the nurse wouldn't get off her butt and listen to me after many attempts, that something was seriously wrong; they just told me they accidentally gave her an overdoes of sleeping pills and it would take time. When the Occupational Therapy staff came into the room to do therapy, they hit the roof! Jean's O2 was in the low 60's. FINALLY someone listened to me and an ambulance was called.
Long story short, I had to fight and almost hire an attorney to prevent her from going back to the original nursing home. This time I had enough time to check on each one and found one that was decent enough - nothing is great.
Please, I know everyone is so busy, but please get things in order ahead of time! It very well may save lives.
As for wanting to leave his wife, I would let it go. He probably doesn't have the ability to remember what he said, and so there really isn't a reason to push it. Even if he brings it up again, you say that it isn't possible for him to stay with her anyway, so he will ultimately get the separation - it just won't be legal. No sense in making a lot of commotion about something that is going to happen whether he likes it or not. Sad, but honest.
Third, try to separate our MIL and FIL with different activities. Your MIL will be safe and grateful!
Fourth, and this is most important, have patience with him. He's brain is not the same, as it once was. Do not let what he says, make you feel sad, hurt, guilty, angry, as he is not thinking properly.
It's very hard, but this is part of the process of dementia.
I wish you and yours, the best during this time!
But my wife also says, 98% of their childhood was very good... he did provide for them, and really raised them all well.
So it is simply a measure of both the complexity of people, and the sorrow of the body outliving your mind.
It's not your wife's or his wife's fault. He the plan of action you are taking.
Her mother planned a full after wedding reception for 300 (not easy to pull off in 1910 Boone NC) and had borrowed crystal and china from all her friends and family. She been baking and prepping all week. An older sister had made the wedding cakes. Rose had dated Dillard for a few months but decided to break it off because her parents didn't approve (his family was tenant farmers and not land owners) and eventually agreed to marry Robert. Dillard had never really given up on Rose and after the rehearsal dinner got her to come out on the porch so they could talk. Rose left with Dillard and traveled to Beech Mountain where they were married the same day she was suppose to marry Robert. Rose's father was said to be so mad at her actions he wore the floorboards down pacing on the front porch and wouldn't allow Aunt Rose to visit his house for over 4 years. As she finished her story, I sat in a rocking chair across from Aunt Rose and Uncle Dillard and watched Uncle Dillard pull Aunt Rose close for a kiss and with a big smile on his face told me "I got my girl!" They had been married 76 years at that time.
"I don't want to be with your mother anymore" can be taken several different ways. He may not want to be with her because he realizes he's not right and doesn't want her to be dragged down caring for him. He may imagine he is going to one of his horror lockups and doesn't want her to visit him there. Many men of his era take the responsibility to "take care of" and be a wife's "shield" very seriously. My grandfather faced his coming death with total calm and only one regret: that he would be leaving his wife of 67 years behind in failing health and would not be able to make sure she was cared for as he wished.
You can't stick your fingers in your ears and go "la la la."
You can go into bright 'n' breezy mode and say "woah! - not the right person to talk to about this, Dad! Wait 'til Uncle Bob (or Rev Smith, or whoever) is here."
Assuming this is the *creation* of dementia and has no basis in reality is not quite safe, though. Of course we would like to think that our parents were model husbands and devoted wives and happy together.
They were also young people and consenting adults. They had their private lives. Who would want to hear the gory details? - but it is important for older people, with or without dementia, to be able to express themselves freely.
What's the plan for your MIL? Will she be living alone? What are her health issues (at, what, 80+ years old, there must be some)?
She was obsessed with her first love, whom she’d been engaged to when she was 19. Her parents put a stop to the relationship when she threatened to elope. The man went over seas and she never saw him again. She talked constantly about this man and even swooned over a local baseball player who she said resembled this man. Her love was named “Stone”, and she pathetically referred to this man as “Stone Clone”.
While we were at lunch, I could tell she was not “mentally present”. She kept talking about this first love. At one point, she said she wished she’d married this man instead of my father. I adored my father. He was a saint for tolerating my mother.
Im not going to say it didn’t hurt. I was devastated and was tempted to walk out of the restaurant and leave her there. But, I eventually considered the source. I put the comment Iin the vault and moved on.