My husband finally got his 94 year old sister in a great nursing home run by a Catholic religious order of nuns who are devoted to caring for the poor. Before we got her accepted here (got her on Medicaid, too) she lived in a private senior hotel where she sat perched on her daybed, with diarrhea stains all around her on the floor, in a dirty nightie all day watching tv. She paid extra (money she didn't have - husband had to pay off her bills, get her electricity turned back on, phone re-connected, etc.) to have her meals delivered. She would fall (almost blind, walks with a walker) about every 2 weeks and they would call the city fire dept to pick her up. Well, you get the idea. She is highly intelligent, very private and has a haughty, demanding manner. She has always been a terrible complainer. Even the last time she saw their brother who was just dx'd with stage 4 lung cancer she spent 5 minutes complaining about the service in the senior hotel where she was then living in that they served the plate from the wrong side. You get the idea.
What galls me now is that she is doing SO much better - she's clean, well tended medically, they gave her their largest apt (which she insisted on!) bring her to meals in the pleasant dining room (she's in a wheelchair now having developed a pressure sore on her heel from her previous place) gets physical therapy 2 x a day - they stop in every few hours to bring her juice and see how she is. Everyone is very nice. She has a device with a nurse call button on it and it never leaves her hand. They come in the morning and wash and bathe her, put her on the toilet, dress her and bring her to breakfast, then they wheel her for therapy, then back to her room for some tv watching then lunch, more therapy, then back to her room, then to dinner, then back to her room where they come in later and prepare her for bed. The tv never goes off even all night. Bottomline - why the 15 complaints? Its insane her life is 1000% better. Small things irritate her, the staff comes in at different times, they all don't follow the same procedures, the coffee is often cold, yesterday they served a potato and vegetables with a grilled cheese sandwich!! Those 3 items don't belong on the same plate! OMG! There is nothing to do at night - they should have speakers and music and concerts - LOL - like she would even go!! Is this typical for life long crabby people - being 94 or 24 her brother tells me she was always a whiner but everything is so good for her now - surely even she must see that!!! Infuriating!! We both worked so hard to find the best place she could afford, get her all checked out medically at her favorite downtown hospital (had to rent a van to get her there $200.00 a visit) move her so she would qualify then get her moved and settled in. Now visiting her here is almost as bad as at the previous place - just a different set of complaints. When we left there yesterday we were sniping at each other - I guess from all the negativity we just came from - the room was toxic. Even now my blood is still boiling from her constant bitching. We only visit her ever 2 weeks and he doesn't even want to go then but I feel we owe it to her, i.e. visiting the sick. Next time we are going to try to just keep interrupting her when she goes on a rant and see how that works - sigh - we are dumbstruck by her still so negative and unhappy attitude.
You mention she's haughty and private. She may feel that she's entitled to better than she's getting, perhaps something like private, catered service. Does she come from a wealthy family?
I think it can als be a reflection of not being able to either physically or mentally solve problems in a more positive way. That's not a criticism; many people have difficult solving problems at a lot of levels. And life is so much more complex these days that it was when a 94 year old person was growing up. In some ways easier, in some ways harder.
If you feel up to it, you could tell her that you've worked hard to find a place she likes but are disappointed that she finds so many things wrong with this place.
You could point out the good things, but she'd probably refute them.
You might just have to tell her that you don't know what else you can do to make her happy (if that's even possible) but you feel as if (a) you've failed at that (b) you don't know what would make her happy or (c) you would like to enjoy visiting her but that's difficult since complaints dominate the conversation.
You'd have to weigh the potential outcome - she might get ever madder; she might become embarrassed that her complaining is so pronounced.
You write that she's always been a complainer. Maybe it's time to accept that she isn't going to change, and adjust your visits accordingly. Don't let her negativity bring you down. You've probably done all you can, and even more wouldn't change her outlook. And remember, it's not your responsibility to ensure that she's pleasant.
sometimes a resident of a facility will complain to family members
but with every one else they're fine.
they may claim its sooo lonely, but when youre not there...they are out visiting with others and socializing
just let her *itch and complain. just nod in agreement.
you did good. you did the right thing. shes being taken care of.
my mom complains too. not a lot, but sometimes I get annoyed too.
like they didn't make her bed "right"
coffee too hot, coffee too cold
they served her too much food. they are just trying to get rid of the extra food. :/
She can no longer hop in the car to drive to the mall to have lunch with friends.... most of her friends either moved away or have passed on.... her sense of taste is no longer there as we do lose our taste buds as we age... her eyes aren't as sharp and neither is her hearing.... my gosh, she needs someone to help her bathe. And today's TV shows are filled with flying rocket ships and huge animals, thus nothing she can relate to. Hopefully she can watch the old TV show and old game show channel. Any one would be grumpy.
I see from your profile that your sister-in-law has Alzheimer's/Dementia, is that the person who are referencing? If yes, one cannot correct a person who has this type of memory loss.
It is time to use "therapeutic fibs". Just agree with her whenever she says something negative. Play along with her. A potato with a grilled cheese sandwich "OMG what were they thinking, who does that !!!" I bet you and your husband will feel better after visiting.
You should have heard all the complaints that MY MOM had the FIRST 4 MONTHS that she was in the nursing home for Rehab:
--"I am the FIRST person into the Dining Room and the LAST person out of the Dining Room." (Actually, Mom was the LAST person into the Dining Room and the First person out of the Dining Room." {SIGH}
--Mom complained about the wheelchair being too hard (We purchased a NEW wheel chair with a special cushion for her.)
--Mom complained about the CNAs being rough with her while using the Easy Stand Lift. (No, they were not--I watched the transfers several times.)
So on and so forth and etc. and etc.
You need to give your husband's 94 year old sister time to get used to the routine of the new facility and time for the staff to get used to her.
You stated that "she has always been a terrible complainer". Well, just because she moved to a different nursing home doesn't mean that her personality changed also. She will ALWAYS be a complainer--she will probably complain to God when she gets to heaven. :)
I know that is it hard, BUT you need to let your husband's sister's negativity "go in one ear and out the other ear". Nod your head. Say "Oh, really?" Make non-committal replies to her complaints.
DO NOT FEED OFF OF EACH OTHER EMOTIONALLY!!
Mom and I did that a lot, and like you, I would be angry and upset after visiting Mom! Once I quit responding to Mom's complains, she did calm down a little. BUT if Mom was really mad, she wouldn't talk to me at all. That got me in trouble with a certain "By-The-Book" Social Services Assistant. (That's a story for another post.) **Once Mom's medications were adjusted properly, she quit complaining so much.** Surprise!!!
Take a deep breathe before visit your husband's sister and try NOT TO REACT to her complaints. I think that you will find that you will not get as angry as you have in the past. God Bless.
Remember it takes time for folks to settle in and no elderly person likes change. Stop letting the negativity get to you. My favorite tactic when it gets too nasty is...."Look at the time, so nice to see you, gotta run....."
Freqflyer has it right...find the humor in her high standards of etiquette for nursing home dining! Breathe and stop stressing!
Your frustration with your mother-in-law's continual complaining is understandable. My mom is much the same. It sounds as though some of your MIL's complaining at the private senior home you described was justifiable, and it's wonderful you were able to move her to a better living arrangement to resolve those issues. But she's always been a complainer; I totally understand that feeling of toxicity in the presence of a self-absorbed chronic complainer. These people suck all the oxygen out of the room. Their conduct is socially repellent and emotionally exhausting. And you're right: as soon as you address the problem they're complaining about, they just move on to the Next Big Thing; i.e. the staff stole the stuff they can't find. The coffee is weak. The wallpaper is ugly. A perpetual state of butt-hurtedness. (Is that a word? Never mind; I just made it one).
UTI's can cause challenging behaviors and you might consider a urinalysis to explore that possibility, although given her lifelong habit of complaining, clearing up a UTI probably wouldn't help. Has she been tested for dementia? Dementia would likely exacerbate a complaining habit. You might look into an anti-anxiety and/or antidepressant to take off the edge, as they did for my mom. At least now we can redirect her for a minute or two.
You've started off on the right foot by limiting your visits to every 2 weeks. I would suggest that when you do visit, keep your visits short, try to divert her focus from her grievances, inasmuch as you can. If during your visit she won't stop complaining, tell her you'll come back sometime when she's "feeling better" and go! No guilt! You didn't cause her problem!
I'm convinced there's nothing to be done for chronic complainers. Whining is central to their identity. You can't change their behavior, only yours. Respond accordingly and take care of yourself! Don't move MIL from her current nursing home unless her care has been compromised. Moving will produce a whole new litany of complaints, as you've already seen. Whatever you do, do not move her in with you! Your life would become a living hell!
Again, you have my profound sympathy. I wish you and your husband the best!
I'm sure the staff counts themselves fortunate that she's just crabby and whiny, not combative, throwing things and cursing. My mom had a man in a neighboring room like that for a few weeks. He had the CNAs in tears or extremely angry most days. He'd literally look right at the CNA, knock his juice glass off the tray onto the floor, and say, "There! Now clean THAT up, you f--- b----!" Felt sorry for his wife, whom he was going home to after his PT rehab was done.
Well Said. A big thumbs up. I agree that furnishing complainers with an audience is a form of enabling. I listen briefly to assess whether or not there's a legitimate concern and respond accordingly. After that, I don't stick around long for nonstop griping. All that does is reinforce the negativity, like wind and rain on sandstone.
So the next time when I arrived and I was busy putting away her food she came in and said
“ It’s good to see you...I guess “
I just burst out laughing and gave her a hug. I could tell she had thought about what she was going to say and was trying, so I just took it in stride.
I loved my mother very much but she was difficult when she got in her 90s. Very difficult.
We can’t expect them to change. I always had an agenda. Things to do. I wish I had taken more time to let her say whatever she wanted. I was too worn out myself to realize how much I would miss those little smartass remarks when she was gone.
BTW, my sister in law is 20 years older than my husband.
Back in the day the mom's didn't do much family planning.
Same thing with my own family but not quite as extreme. 13 years between me and my oldest brother, RIP.
Very good advice re: forcing my husband to visit her. She does have a bad effect on him, reminding him of their family life together. She always remained apart from the rest of them, staying in her room watching tv by herself.
All we can do is see her through to the end while sparing ourselves as much upset as we can.
Thanks again.
P.S. Its ironic that SIL was the main caretaker of their 99 year old mom (!) and did so in a begrudging way, fulfilling obligations such as bringing her denture powder, but she always was sure that DNR sign was prominently listed on the door plus she was actually cruel when visiting her, telling her she was senile, etc.
treat her mother.
I've met quite a few seniors that are just lovely and happy with everything. Sorry she's not more like this, but like others have said, narcissism tends to follow folks throughout their lives.
BTW, my sister in law is 20 years older than my husband.
ack in the day the mom's didn't do much family planning. Same thing with my own family but not quite as extreme. 13 years between me and my oldest brother, RIP.
Very good advice re: forcing my husband to visit her. She does have a bad effect on him, reminding him of their family life together. She always remained apart from the rest of them, staying in her room watching tv by herself.
All we can do is see her through to the end while sparing ourselves as much upset as we can.
Thanks again.
P.S. Its ironic that SIL was the main caretaker of their 99 year old mom (!) and did so in a begrudging way, fulfilling obligations such as bringing her denture powder, but she always was sure that DNR sign was prominently listed on the door plus she was actually cruel when visiting her, telling her she was senile, etc.
Tell her then she must be so pleased to be there, and get up and leave.
Yes they are in every rest home, doesnt matter how good it is. Its not what they are used to
[then we find out they never did have a good life]
so ignore it, and just let her ramble, and finish it off with the how lucky she is to be able to complain so much, so many other folk dont have so many things wrong.
Dont laugh until you get back to the car
about it except when visiting her. Then try to change the subject..If you have some old family photos, take a handful each time you go..Scrapbooks? Favorite cookbook? Her wedding photo album..Sing favorite hymns? Bring newspaper and read?
Grace + Peace,
Bob
She is currently still living on her own. But I am in the process of getting a gerontological evaluation to see if this should still be the case.
I see her once a week for an hour or so...and even the hour is too much.
Her phone calls are also contentious so I try to avoid that. She has a FB page (good and bad idea) but she messages me through there as well...When I am at work...she expects a response...and then says "I don't want to bother you at work, but..." and it's never important. However, she had an important physical issue last week, and she didn't tell me until a few days later. She played a good martyr game with me with that one.
My only solution is to make sure that she is safe...(FB tells me when she is online) and have limited phone calls and visits.
I will be 61 next month...I need to take care of myself as well. I have a healthy relationship with my kids and friends...and I am so thankful for that.
Some people like making others miserable. They perpetually complain, no matter what. When it was Mom, they said she suffered from depression - they also blamed it on dementia. I beg to differ; chronic unhappiness is not depression or dementia; she'd always been that way. Again, some people just love to make other's lives miserable. There is no pill that will fix it. It's a nasty, bad attitude. I hope your loved one eventually comes to her senses.
Another angle: complaining is conversation. Not what you want to hear? Yeah, but in her very narrow world (narrowing more by the day!), what else is there to talk about?! We can and should share with the person in the assisted-living or nursing home what's going on with ourselves and others they know - if they can listen, and be interested, that's great (a window for them to the outside world). But what do they have to share? That they're mostly clean and dry? That the food was adequate? That they didn't have to wait too long this morning for help to get off the potty? No, what's fresh in the minds of people with such limited lives tends to be what bothers them most.
One responder here said GO ALONG WITH IT -- Wow, they did that?! I love it - we CAN accept their side of the 'conversation' ! And maybe they'll be readier to hear what we bring from the 'outside'.