Why do people always say, “I hope you and your parents are well.” Well!?! They know they have Alzheimer's and Vascular Dementia and both are in the late stages. It is so annoying. I feel like saying to them, “No! They are not at all well! They both have fatal conditions and are living a horrendous life at the moment, thank you.”
That is what I want to say or scream at them but what should I say?
Yesterday, I was out with a friend; her mom, who is 99 has dementia; this lovely lady has 24/7 aides paid for by Medicaid.
My friend expressed displeasure that when she calls, her mother tells her that she is not yet dressed.
When my friend is known to be coming to visit, the aides make sure that "mom" is dressed and up in her wheelchair.
I mentioned that "mom" is still a person who is allowed to say "no thank you" when/if the aides say "would you like to get up/dressed now?"
This information did not go over well with my friend. I'm never sure WHAT to say to her.
In the same fashion, when my mom had dementia and was in a nursing home, my friend often said things to me that infuriated me.
I think having a parent who is declining in this way makes one angry at whomever says ANYTHING to you.
Understand that part of this may be a reaction to your own powerlessness and move on.
So, I hazard to say to you, say the same thing if someone asks how your parents are. Tell the truth! You don't have to blurt it out in an angry way. Just say something like this "to be honest with you, my parents are both in declining stages, it's very hard, I hope you never have to deal with this but thanks for asking" Maybe it would help them if they ever have to deal with the same thing in the future. The truth will set you free!
Especially this time of year, when greeting cards are being sent, we may see people that we do not see the rest of the year, we can expect people to greet us with or write good wishes.
I have people tell me I am lucky that my Dad is still alive. Yes, lucky to have had another year of abuse from him. To deal with an ever growing hoard. I let their comments slide.
If you want to answer honestly, what about, "it is challenging to watch my parents decline... and hard to take care of their ever growing needs"
I've met many other care givers since becoming one myself, and I don't know what to say or ask them without coming across as insensitive or insincere. I, too, would like to know which comments and questions were best received.
Many, "disappear" learning of medical ailments , lest they are asked for help
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