He has Frontal Temporal Dementia, so although his memory is impaired somewhat, his big problem is in behavior - he has no inhibitions anymore, about sex, money, and other things. He still knows how to spend money, but can't figure out the details. I could hide his debit card, but there would be H... to pay! Does anyone else have this kind of problem?
Yes, DO work with a neurologist over this so you don't get caught behind the 8-ball on the medical situation behind this.
DO go to the bank and get him a special account like they probably have for teenagers (which is what they are at my credit union). A no minimum checking account with a very, very limited low balance debit card for it that will decline instead of overdraw. DO NOT setup your other accounts to dump money into it automatically. You need to control the balance without him knowing it, which is very easy to do online.
Don't overexplain this. Just tell him "hey here's your new debit card from the bank. I have to turn the other one in." and say no more. Cut up the old one.
Good luck!!!
If/when he runs out of "allowance" cash right away, question him where it went. Try and help him remember where he went each day, how much he may have spent, help him by jotting it down as he talks. When he can't figure it out, softly tell him his illness may be progressing. Then you can ease into the "I'm sorry honey, but you know you aren't great with handling money anymore" talk when the time is right, keep him clear out of the finances in the future. Let him blow his set weekly allowance after that, everyone needs some pocket money. You can have your credit frozen, google it for your state, so that no new cards/loans can be taken out via phone or computer. You'll get a pin number after freezing the credit, if you need to buy a new car or something you'll have to plan a couple of days in advance to temporarily unfreeze your credit reports, but otherwise no one can do anything new you don't know about. It's scary, but people will prey on guys like that. Never know what can happen, reverse mortgage/home equity line of credit you didn't know about, new credit cards with big balances, etc, etc. Act quick, you're protecting his future too, even though he's not going to like it.
Is there a way that you can get your husband engaged in something that doesn't require spending money? I know FTD is serious to contend with, since there are so many personality changes. But I still wonder if there is something that will occupy his mind and distract him from wanting to buy things.
If there isn't, I think you have to take care of yourself and cancel the credit and debit cards. I don't envy you this task, because I know there will be h*ll to pay. You can't let him spend you into pauperdom, though.
They don't know, aren't going to know, and the person can be very humiliated in this situation by being called out, even if it's done gently. They don't even know why they can't remember. Not only are you now missing money, but you have an ashamed and upset dementia sufferer on your hands who no longer has the ability to control their emotions or behaviors. I would be very careful.
I saw this with my husband's grandmother. One of her daughters simply had to "reality orient" and correct everything. She was always reminding grandma that "remember, you can't drive anymore because of your dementia" Or "you can't make the quilts at church anymore because of your dementia". "No, Daddy isn't coming to pick you up. He's been dead for years. You forgot because of your dementia." It just went on & on like a horror show for years. It set my teeth on edge to see grandmother look like a scolded child and cry because she could no longer do so many things and made constant mistakes. It was cruel. We just could not get this aunt to change her approach.
My advice is to structure life so he does not have to encounter the problem in the first place. Just do the things you need to without a lot of discussion or calling attention to the problem or the solution. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.
With a debit card, perhaps you could change the PIN so that it would no longer work. Or you could tie it to an account that has a small balance so that he can't bankrupt you. Or you could see if you could put a maximum transaction balance on it? I'm not sure if that's possible. I guess you could keep the receipts and return them, but boy what a hassle that can be.
What does his doctor say about his lack of inhibition? I would think that there would be something they could suggest. Good luck and maybe someone will be able to suggest something more.
This is going to create financial disaster for you. How old is your husband and how good is his memory? With my dad I slowly took over the bill paying, cancelled credit cards and so forth. Occasionally my Mom would slip up and say something about me controlling their money. He'd have a big fit, accuse me of trying to steal money , get all paranoid. At first I would freak out but I just diverted his attention, bob and weave and it would pass till the next time.
But your situation may be different. In any event, you're not going to be able to reason with him. It's going to take some tough stuff to deal with this.
Another option is to try to redirect the spending to worthwhile activities and/or organizations. You might try asking him if he has a favorite charity - animal rights, military, Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts - but do your research first as there are a lot of bogus charities with big hands out trying to get into pocketbooks.
Periodically mention the benefit of helping someone by helping that organization. Keep mentioning how so many people need help - cite the recent Nepalese earthquake. Wonder aloud if there's anything you could do to help them, and be prepared to suggest donations, gradually making this a topic instead of purchasing stuff.
Ask if you can write a check to his favorite charity for him. If you can get this far, you've done very well!
There's a principal we learned in Economics - can't remember the exact name of it now but it addresses the satisfaction people get from spending money. And it isn't just elders - look at women's clothing and shoe collections, and men's collection of tools, perhaps cars, motorcycles, etc. I'm not suggesting this is bad in and of itself, but when it's a primary source of emotional satisfaction, and has become compulsive, the habit has crossed over into a different realm.
We talked about this in the Alzheimer's Creating Confident Caregivers course I took; it's NOT an isolated incident.
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