Mom passed away January 5. She had only recently moved to an assisted living near me, 600 miles from her home. So, we spent a week emptying her assisted living apartment, then took off immediately for her hometown in order to do a memorial service. My sister drove all the way across the country, so we needed to do the service while she was there.
Now that the service is done, we are back in our own home, but have a lot of mom's stuff here. We were crowded before, worse now! My mom also still has her house and all her stuff (we had hoped to get her well enough to take her BACK) and now my brother, sister, and I have to deal with it all.
My husband thinks it should be done NOW. In fact, he sent three of our kids down there to do some packing and evaluation, and he thinks I should just have THEM dispense with stuff without me even looking at it. He thinks that for me to ask that we wait a couple of months, and for me to say that my brother should be allowed some choices in how it's done, is inefficient and wrong. He sees no reason I should set myself up as the "gatekeeper" who needs to see everything that is going to be disposed of.
I maintain there is no hurry, as the trust will not be dealt with until my brother, sister, and I create our OWN trusts into which the inheritance will go. I don't understand my husband's hurry, or his telling me if I don't do it the efficient way I shouldn't count on any help from him, I can just hire people to pack and haul stuff.
I am so angry at him. He just thinks he is being helpful. He is a project manager by profession, and sees everything in terms of logic trees and action plans. I keep telling him it doesn't work that way in this situation.
Any ideas? My heart is aching, we've just been through a horrible time with mom's death and a related investigation.
People grieve so differently and have such different feelings about how to deal with grief issues. Robert Frost wrote a poem about the separation between a husband and wife at the loss of their infant. Such a tragedy for grief to come between a marriage.
Pain can be so deep and people express their grief so differently. So many people seem to like to judge and issue directions to those who are grieving.
My husband had some idiotic idea that I needed to see my dad's body to know he was dead. Maybe that is something that some people need, but I didn't gain or lose anything. I was able to "realize" he was gone when I entered his home and he was not there.
Your husband may be imposing his will upon you because that's how he thinks grief should be "project managed". Who knows where he's coming from as grief is so very personal.
You have to give him as much allowance as you want for yourself. I had friends who nearly divorced after the loss of their infant. She felt he wasn't showing his grief enough and he worried that her grief was hurting their young children.
These are touchy times and sometimes we look for targets for our frustration. Hold your ground if you feel you are being rushed, but don't take hold it personally against him.
You hope he will support you in your time of bereavement, but if he can only do that if you do things his way, well you'll get by without his help.
He sent your kids down to pack stuff up? I am sorry, but that was not his place AT ALL. Those possessions are NOT HIS. Even as a project manager, he has overstepped his boundaries there. And putting the kids in the middle between what he thinks should happen and what you want is very inappropriate parenting, no matter how old the kids are.
This is not his project. It is not a project at all. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but, wow, I'm having a hard time. I hope you can do that better!
I am a business systems analyst. Cost-benefit analysis is my daily bread. I work all the time with project managers and really admire that skillset. I applied some of those principles a couple of months ago when I planned and carried out my own husband's memorial service. There is a place for that business-like approach. But let me say emphatically that the mourning process is NOT the place for it.
(Is your husband a teeny bit jealous over all the time and effort bereavement is demanding of you? Is he feeling neglected?)
You nailed it on the head- your husband is a Project Manager, myself being an architect I understand the proclivity to plan, plan, plan...and then plan some more.
But this is not the time for your husband to wear the "work hat" though I know, as do you, he really thinks this is being helpful.
This is a time for empathy and patience and understanding and compassion and support and LOVE !!!
I have no business telling anyone what to do or how to react to a situation as I know little about the exact details but if I were you I would take him by the hand, in a quite and "safe" environment, and tell him directly he needs to trust you on this- trust that YOU know what you are doing and rushing through the dismantling of your Mom's house is simply NOT an option. If you frame this message carefully he will back off. And if he does not you need to re-think the strategy though I can not imagine a truly good man ignoring your viewpoint.
I have been the designated "organizer"/"sifter though-er"/"project manager" for no less than very 4 important and deeply loved ones in my life and I can tell you first hand that YOU are the only one who can offer this final act of respect.
This is perhaps the last chance you have to put the proverbial pieces together, literally and emotionally, in order to grieve fully and completely in a loving and respectful way.
Stuff is only "stuff" but how would any of us like the remnants of our lives hastily gone through? I would not.
The process of going through the possessions of a loved one in a careful, thoughtful and loving manner is the ULTIMATE gesture of respect and love.
On another note, this is a VERY serious "task"- you may find things that are vital and significant and perhaps very valuable which others who have been assigned the "job' might not understand.
I am so grateful that I was the one who did this for the 4 people I lost. I found so many beautiful and valuable (not necessarily in terms of money) items that would have ended up in the landfill.
Please hold to your convictions- this is a huge burden AND a great opportunity rolled into one.
Good Luck BeachyBirdie !
WMR
I have recently been finding things Mom has kept in the attic from her patents who have been gone for years! I'm so glad she got sick and forgot about them because there are many treasures that she would have thrown out or given to my sibs, that they would have sold or thrown out.
WWI and WWII memorabilia that should stay in the family for sure, and things that I can donate to history museums. I also found my dad's uncle's discharge papers from WWII and a document signed by President Harry S. Truman! My brother would keep this for sure, but I'm going to give it to my dad's one surviving brother. I don't feel it is ours to keep.
So Beachy, have a nice talk with your husband and explain your feelings and if he doesn't understand, that would be his problem. This is something you have to do for yourself!
You are spot on !!!
*giggles*
Try to acknowledge his distress at things being out of his control and see if you can get him to verbally acknowledge your commitment of being the gatekeeper through to the end. Then the two of you might be able to be a bit more understanding of where each other is coming from and try to work out a livable compromise during this time of topsy turvy...