Getting through childhood trauma while taking care of one who caused it. Any advice?
My mother and I have had a tumultuous relationship. In my teens, we barely managed to get along long enough for me to grow up and leave. I left home at 18 but had to return for financial reasons. At 19, I married and moved several states away. Finally, around the time I was 25, I began to put the hurts of my childhood behind me and forged a friendship with my mom. You see, I had always been the “bad child”. My brother and sister were treated somewhat differently and I was one who would speak out against injustices and acted out when they tormented me. For most of my life, I was gaslighted by my family. In fact, only when I was about 45 did my mom actually mention their tormenting of me and all I could think was “you knew?!?” Having been a parent now, I realize that it is often hard to manage children in this dynamic. On the one hand you have the two that tease and torment and on the other you gave the over-emotional and sometimes destructive response. You can’t let the response go unpunished but do you let the teasing and tormenting go as a result? I get it, we all did the best we could parenting and we made a LOT of mistakes along the way. I truly thought I put it all behind me. I’ve seen my family marvel at how much I’ve “changed”. I laugh to myself at this comment because the answer is that I didn’t change at all. I am who I’ve always been but no one is making me f***g miserable anymore!!
sSo, fast forward to today. My mother has Alzheimer’s and I had made the decision not to be her caregiver. I’m not a particularly nurturing person and I don’t have a lot of patience. However, my parents did no planning or saving for old age so she doesn’t have the income for caregivers. (Yes, I know we can get Medicaid). She is also terrified of facilities. I think she thinks of the nursing homes if the 1970’s and even though I’ve taken her to see facilities, she doesn’t believe me and her Alzheimer’s has taken the ability to reason from her. My nephew volunteered to take on her card but after 2 months was complaining and expecting that, in addition to free rent and all utilities being paid for them, we should pay his wife $800 a week to care for her. Mind you, she dresses herself and requires little other than reminders to take medicine, shower, and drink water regularly and to be driven to doctor appointments. With this request and few incidents that made me think she was going to act out in rage against her “card givers”, I have moved her to my home with my husband and me. The card part is very easy. I remind her of hat she needs to do and put water in her hand regularly.
thd hard part is listening to the same stories on repeat and her constant reminders of the traumas of my childhood. Today, she brought up one of the bad days and it was just almost too much. I wanted to shout at her and tell her that not only was she wrong about the incident but that it is extremely hurtful to me and I would thank her never to bring it up again. Of course, I know 5 minutes later, she would have forgotten the entire incident and it will come up again, as it already has, many many more times.
The problem is that I have worked through these things and put them behind me for 49 years and now I’m wondering if I’ll need therapy to do so again. I feel like I’m being gaslighted all over again and I can’t escape it. I find myself wondering just how long she will live and even some times hoping that it isn’t long. Then I feel horribly guilty and, as a Christian, I. Deep need of Hod’s forgiveness.
How do I get through the see next years?
14 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- Have gone no contact with NPD mother with dementia and feeling worried and guilty. Any advice?
- Anyone else severely burnt out on caregiving?
- How do I keep my gramma from getting up before my alarm and the ridiculousness that follows. It’s feels like she’s purposely doing all of these things. Any suggestions?
- How do you handle the constant rude, mean, nasty insults?
Drop the Christian guilt. Your mother burned her mother card a long time ago. She's the one who should be feeling guilty, not you. And you're going to sacrifice your marriage and happiness by having her live with you. You're putting her needs above those of your husband. That's not right. She's going to continue to drive you bonkers, and your husband will pay the price in hearing about her all the time, rehashing the same stuff and having less and less of you.
First, “Find a nice safe clean residential care site for me, and I’ll go there as soon as you can help me pack!” says NO ONE, EVER.
Second, you’ve acknowledged that she has dementia, but assume she has lucid thoughts about her own care site because you’ve taken her to one (or some).
Neither you nor she gains any beneficial result from “visiting” residences that she thinks she doesn’t want to go to, so stop taking her.
When the time comes, put her to the car and give her to whatever caregiving environment YOU have decided will work for her.
Moving on, are you SURE that you’ve gotten as far as you can with resolving your (justified) resentment of the sad parts of your childhood and youth? Maybe needing a tweak or two with a compassionate therapist/counselor?
yeah, we ALL have to deal with guilt. But guilt is a useless reaction to situations you can’t change.
SHOULD you have brought her into your home? Maybe not (or maybe so). But your current sense of entrapment (“…hoping that it isn’t long”…) may mean that with the best of intentions, you’ve bitten off more than you should expect yourself to chew.
“Balance” when caring for a difficult parent is ALWAYS important, and often hard to achieve. Is it time to talk to God candidly about what you’re thinking. If you’re a practicing Christian, you know that God doesn’t expect you to make decisions out of guilt.
And God ALWAYS grants forgiveness when it is asked for, accompanied by sincerity and good works.
My only guilt is for the thoughts about her life ending, not in other areas.
I agree that God forgives us when we ask and am so very thankful for that!
Let your siblings figure this out with your enabling mom.
When she became aged (85) and poor health began to show most due to her refusal to take care of herself, she & daddy moved back to town. They lived in a senior community in an independent apartment. They has alienated both of my brothers due to their difficult behaviors and personalities.
I knew I would never be mom's caregiver so sister and I hired part time caregivers and increased hours as needed. All of her needs were met and she was well cared for. I checked in every week. Many responsibilities I did from a distance and online. Many hours were spent doing these chores but it was worth eliminating more face to face time.
So as a christian daughter yes honor your mom and see that she is cared for but you do not have to touch everything. Her abuse is unacceptable and do not sacrifice your peace of mind and mental health for her. The stress, anxiety and constant conflict will definitely catch up with you.
For my sister (64)she had the most horrible covid case (2019) and nearly died on the ventilator. Now she suffers from covid long haulers syndrome. Myself(66), I had a stroke and heart surgery just this year. We had to finally move mom to a nursing home where she died in two days on Nov. 3!
I was told the stress of dealing with both my parents and husband's aunt (94) greatly contributed to my health declining. Prior to all this I was a very healthy and active 66 year old with no health issues,
Please do what is best for you. We did our best and have no regrets at all.
Dont use your religion as a reason to keep being mentally abused. Any religion that makes you think this would be acceptable should be kicked to the curb.
For your own mental health please cut off all ties with this woman.
I am working on my plan for this year called "Operation: Untether" to cut ALL ties with her!
My mom did the best she could, I guess. She used a LOT of intimidation and guilting and the biggy was the "I'm just going to kill myself" to keep us 'in line'.
We were good kids. She just had too many of us. (6). But that's NOT our faults.
My YB took her and daddy in 25 years ago. Daddy died 18 years ago today and mom was 'cared for' by the child she treated the worst. Don't think that didn't come back to haunt her as she aged. YB did take good care of her, but she was actually a little frightened of him. He and I were sexually abused by our OB and she knew it and did nothing to stop it. I've been in therapy, off and on for 20+ years to deal with it. YB turned it all inward and got angry. OB died and for me, that was closure, of a kind. For YB, he never worked through anything and while I applaud his decision to have taken mom in and done a pretty good job of caring for her, there was ALWAYS some little undercurrent of something going on. Mom lived in a level of fear of YB.
Mom died the end of August. YB had her apartment (which was added on to his home) completely emptied and cleaned 48 hours later. He went frantic and didn't stop for 2 whole days. A lot of things she wanted people to have were tossed or taken to GoodWill. And she was a little hoarder, so she had a LOT of stuff.
I don't know if he'll ever really be OK.
The OTHER G word is "grief". That is the one I would like you to use. Grief that you had the parenting you had. Grief that you waited so long and are still waiting to hear words you likely will never hear ("You are a good daughter"). Grief that life isn't fair. Grief that your Mother is suffering. Grief that your Mom had such severe limitations. Grief that you are NOT GOD, but a human being with your own limitations. You are not a Saint, and your being martyred here will not help anyone. Saints end up slaughtered and we pray to them then to fix everything for eternity; not a great job description.
Once you have those words straightened out consider getting counseling (AGAIN, Yes) to help to iron out what you CAN do, what you are WILLING to do, and how you will judge what you are doing as being either helpful to you and your Mom or not helpful. You will need help in seeing your own value, something most children learn from parents who TELL THEM all their formative years that they are valuable human beings. We have several chances at family in our lives. The one we are born to, and the one we make for ourselves.
So in short, you will have to help yourself, because you have not had a lot of help forming a strong foundations of knowing your limitations and honoring them. You have not been told your own beauty and you will have to find that yourself. And you may need to go to therapy throughout your life for reminders. There's no shame in that, and it honors your God to care for yourself. I had a strong foundation and a lucky life, and am now 80, but there were three times in my life I needed the help of therapy, and each time was an enormous help to me when I was in need of help.
I sure wish you the best. This is a new year. Make it a resoluton to be GOOD to yourself.
"Honor thy parents" does not mean take their abuse. The Bible also states that parents should not provoke their children to wrath. And to let the children come to Him. Do you think God is happy with you being hurt? That you deserve it somehow? NO! I think it breaks God's heart to see His child coming back for more hurt. Haven't you had enough of being the emotional dumping ground for her?
You're still hoping for a deathbed apology or an "I really did love you." This is not going to happen and you know it.
You can honor your mother by getting her on Medicaid and placing her as soon as possible. Ensure she has food, medical care, is safe, has basic needs met. Maybe visit when you're able. THAT'S ALL.
She selfishly assumed her kids would be her retirement plan, and it never fails that the child who was treated the worst, gets stuck holding the bag. You will never heal emotionally with her in your house. Life moves fast... you don't want to be on YOUR deathbed as a broken, suffering woman. This ends now.
A few years ago, after my dad died, I realized that I was working to keep a relationship with my brother and sister, WAY TOO HARD and I gave up. I no longer allow them any place in my life because they do abuse me and would only use me any way. I haven't spoken to my brother since 2013 and I have seen him only one time during that period and I walked away without speaking. I expect that I will never speak to him again and I hope that I don't see him, though I am prepared for him to attend our mother's funeral, if he does. He hasn't spoken to our mother for that same period of time unless forced to do so, so he will not be a caregiver. I have spoken to my sister only rarely and only about our mother's care (she notifies me or I her when a health problem is acute). Now, if she calls, I hand the phone to my mother or I ignore the call and have mom call her back later. She is very narcissistic and a recovering addict so she will not be providing care.
The choice to put my mother in care will come soon and I will work out Medicaid at that time, but I am not ready to do that.
Believe me, my marriage will not be sacrificed. My husband is entirely supportive. We took care of his mother and father as well so we have been down this road before. His mother was a nightmare but we both feel that taking care of her was the right decision and we have no regrets. It was, mercifully, a short period of time (2 years total including the last 2 weeks living under hospice in our home). We did this for his father who was wonderful. When the time came for his father to go into hospice care, we did it again. In both cases, we were able to let them die with dignity. It may have been more than his mother "deserved" but doing so gave my husband peace and I was happy to do it for him and for his father.
However, I will take your words to heart about him having to listen to this and have less and less of me because that is an important point and I don't want to do that to him. He deserves the best wife I can be and my full attention.
My mom will have to go into care sooner or later and I am coming to grips with that being sooner rather than later. It's been two months and I am starting to wear thin already.
Even if you had the patience of Job, hearing an elder with AD repeating hurtful stories over & over & OVER again, day in & day out, would drive you insane in short order. We mortals are not saints, we're mortals, not intended to BE saints.
"Christians" have no more fortitude and patience for elders with AD than Jews or Muslims or any other religious group of mere mortals trying to deal with the difficulties AD presents.
I prayed daily for my mother with advanced dementia to die, for God to take her into perfect peace b/c she was SO miserable and in SO much pain and praying TO die, that that was my prayer FOR her. I did not have to ask God for forgiveness for something that is the ultimate end for all of us: Death. We have no power to stop the process from happening, and it's not a punishment from God, but the end to life here on Earth and the beginning of the next life in the hereafter.
As your mother progresses with her disease process, she'll get worse and worse with the things she says as her filter dissipates more & more. I heard things come out of my mother's mouth that NO daughter should EVER hear from her mother under ANY circumstances. Fortunately, she lived in Memory Care AL so I could get up and leave her presence when the verbal attacks got underway. You can't do that b/c she's living in your home. What is your plan B for when you can no longer tolerate her tirades and cannot escape them? THAT is the question you need to answer and figure out the plan for.
Everyone loses with AD and dementia; you lose, she loses, your children lose, your husband loses, and most especially, the family loses as they watch pieces of you crumble & fall apart under the stress & misery of trying to cope with trying to care for your mother. Realize this and that you're not a 'bad' person for having these feelings, you're just human. Nobody is superhuman and devoid of feelings to the point where all these hurtful words don't penetrate into our souls.
Realize the disease is in charge now and IT is bigger than YOU, meaning, when the time is right, get mom placed in managed care. It's not a 'sin' or a crime or a declaration that you're not good enough. It's simply a statement that a village is required to care for an elder with AD now, not one tired, burned out and exhausted daughter.
Other than reminding me of much less happy times, she does not say and do hurtful things. I have long ago learned not to tolerate that, and I won't but the repeating does drive me a little bonkers at times even if it is other stories that don't trigger bad memories. I know my limits and I am just about there.
If my mother were in pain or speaking about being ready to go, I would feel no guilt about praying for that to happen as it is in loving someone that we need to be able to let them go. If her heart is right, she will go to heaven and that is far better than this life.
You know they claim there is a book of the Bible that was left out when they put the Bible together. Its deals with raising and dealing with children. Children are Gods gift. A gift you care for and nurture. Not abuse physically or mentally. You also don't allow others to abuse a child. You don't own them, God has loaned them to you to raise up to hear his word and become good men and women. If you have forgiven Mom, God has to.