My 78 year old obese sister (lives alone in another state) obsesses with her health but does nothing to make it better. She has pains and falls and calls her friends and EMS to take her to emergency care. When they find nothing seriously wrong, she seeks pity from me, in another state, but makes no changes to her life style.
Should she go to Assisted Living?
Thankfully you live in a different state, so you have the option of not answering your phone when she calls, and letting her calls go to your voicemail. It will then be up to you whether or not you want to return her call.
Have you tried telling her that you're tired of her calls for pity, and until she makes some changes you really don't want to hear about her woes? If not, you may need to do just that. Good luck.
My sister in law is 64. She's been heavy her whole life and then became diabetic as a result. She did change her lifestyle, lost about 100 lbs and it still wasn't enough; she had her foot amputated to the knee a few months ago from a persistent infection in the bone and is now trying to walk with a prosthetic. Fortunately, her upbeat attitude is what helps her immensely. It blows my mind that she never complains or feels sorry for herself!
Anyway, if your sister moves into Assisted Living, nobody there is going to 'make' her eat right or exercise or do anything else to improve her health, either. That is something that she herself must want to do. When my mother lived in AL, she fell 40x because the staff can't prevent falls either! It's really a big fat mess when elders lose coordination and start down the 'falling' path, it really is.
Wishing you the best of luck.
That's a mental/loneliness issue (and not necessarily related to dementia).
Frankly, she'd probably be a good candidate for something like assisted living, because she'd have more interaction with people each day and might find other things to be interested in other than hypochondria.
You can't make her go, though.
She may benefit from exploring what she wants from her next decade. What brongs her joy? Maybe for things to be a bit easier? Meals provided, activities & people close by? If so, yes AL may be a good choice ;
(Although if the answers have any hints of moving in with you 😳 stamp out that notion pronto!)
If she asks for your opinion or your advice, you can be as frank as you like; but unless she does the kind thing to do is try to curb your (very understandable, if you ask me) irritation and frustration and voice what you know what she wants to hear - ideally without undermining any authoritative advice she has been given.
E.g, "oh dear, poor you. Didn't your PCP recommend you join that weight loss program to help relieve the knee pain? Do you think that might be a good idea? Maybe Marcia would take you and you could try it together." [Cue: 101 reasons why this would be much too difficult]. "Oh dear, poor you. Well, you be sure to good care of yourself now you're home again."
If you find her as irritating as I find my similar very much loved one at times, my tip would be to time your phone calls and cut them short - just make any unrelated excuse - when you've had as much as you can take. Otherwise you might become reluctant to talk to her at all and that would be a pity.
How kindly you feel towards her of course I don't know! But absolve yourself of any responsibility. You have no moral obligation to guide her choices.
Ask her if she feels like harming herself, or wishes she were dead. If she threatens to do self-harm or is suicidal, you need to call 911 and get her hospitalized for a psychiatric evaluation.
Otherwise you cannot tell her what to do or how to live.
Not to make light of it, but I had a senior who used to be 'found' on the floor and be taken to the ER, get a hot meal, warm bed for the day shift. His dentist daughter worked all day and refused to come get him. We discovered he put himself on the floor and never once actually fell!
I'd start with asking PCP for a home health evaluation including PT. Let them assess her and the home for safety and her mobility and strength. A plan could be made after that.
Good luck
At some point, if she continues to call paramedics to help her with normal activities of daily living (getting up), she will probably wind up in some type of nursing care whether she likes it or not.
Let’s face facts, obesity is a common situation and some people struggle to lose weight, others are plain uninterested in losing weight. You know your sister and her background story.
If you have repeatedly offered your sister feasible suggestions of ways to help her improve her life, and she has constantly ignored you, or disbelieves your ideas, then I wouldn’t even bother to suggest any possible solutions to her.
Yes, your sister may be seeking attention. She may want you to feel sorry for her. It may work on your nerves. Limit the amount of time that you listen to her. What else can you do?
As far as assisted living goes, I seriously doubt that she would change her habits if she isn’t interested in doing so. You can’t force her to change her ways. Maybe she is a food addict.
Best wishes to you.
Especially if it is becoming hard to access social activities in the community, due to health issues, mobility etc.
More company, with less personal space VS own home but less company.
What she 'should do'.. let's say *could do* is decide for herself. Being a sister who suggests it many not work (hasn't for me anyway). But no harm in planting the idea 😉
Attention seeking? Sounds like it. She goes to doc, gets advice, but ignores it. Until she decides to change her life circumstances, this will go on until she has a serious medical issue and then she may end up in a NH.
If you feel you can't really help her and don't want to be interrupted so much, let her calls go to voicemail. You can take her calls when you want to take them. You can call her back later, if you choose to after she leaves a message. Listen with half an ear, mumble some "comforting" or sympathizing words along the way, but find a way to cut the conversation short - ring your doorbell or set the oven or microwave timer and beg off the call.
You can make suggestions for ways she can improve herself, but she is the one who needs to make a decision to improve her life. It doesn't sound like she's willing to put in the effort and would prefer to get sympathy from others. Encourage her to consider taking her doc's advise and say you'd be willing to be more supportive IF she makes the effort to change.
* The question needs to be directed to your sister. It is up to her.
* What you do not address if how you respond to her seeking pity from you.
- What do you do?
- How do you handle these communications?
- How do you want to handle them?
* If me, and I see a pattern of self-pity / loneliness / depression - set your limits (10 minute calls, 5 minutes, 2-3-4 days/a week? Don't answer the phone? If she is obese, clearly she has a problem and this could be part of her reason(s) for going to the ER - perhaps medication(s) are part of the problem.
* Does she have a regular medical provider?
* Do not argue with her. If she needs a sounding board, set your limits. She won't change.
* She may be going to the ER for attention.
* Key here is how you want to be involved / how you expend your time and energy interacting with her / and her patterns of behavior.
Gena / Touch Matters